Jilllian

Six months.
Go me.
Craved the Oxys a few times here and there, but nothing too terrible.

I started watching "Intervention" on Netflix today, and recognize all too well, the hold these drugs have on people. I hate them. I can easily empathize with those who get swallowed in by the drugs they swallow, that's for sure.

Oddly, I craved the pills when I saw shows dealing specifically with Oxy. I say "oddly" because there's nothing of that part of my life that I would want back (well, maybe except for the time I lost abusing them, which was a few years).

What strikes me the most is the actual intervention part at the end of the shows. You know, when the user's family and friends gather around and read touching letters of how much they love the user and how they want to save the user's life and have their "old" loved one back.

I thought about the fact that I'm so solitary, that had I required an intervention (other than on my own), there would be no one in my life who would bother to set up such an intervention.

I'm okay. Just made me sad. And introspective, I suppose.

I did it alone, and I guess that says something (other than I have no one).

I still no-want-those-pills, and that's what matters the most right now.

Thank you for being here, SR!

Dee74

Congratulations Jillian

I found once I worked on my addiction I could turn my focus to my life...do you want to be less solitary now?

D

sugarbear1

Congratulations!!!!!!

Happier

Good for you. Glad you are here on SR which in a way, ensures that none of us are really alone. I can relate to a lot of what you said.
You should be proud that you dealt with this because you wanted to and you did it for yourself! That is a very good example for a lot of folks that probably also think they may not have much support.
I say again.....good for you. You should be proud!

Jilllian

Thanks Sugarbear, Happier, and Dee.

Dee ~ I want to be connected with others, but I don't know how to be. It's so out of my comfort zone. People. Judgement. Whispers. Reliance. Fear.

I crave it and even fantasize about it, but pathologically, I think I'm too afraid of taking risks that could end up hurting me. How silly that sounds as I re-read it. I want to love and be loved. Yet at the same time I do nothing to foster relationships that could end up being great.

I am anorexic, which I'm sure came from a loss of control and trauma experienced years ago. Doesn't matter where it came from I guess, but that's my next battle. One I want to win.

This is by far the scariest demon of all. Beating oxy was cake compared to this, perhaps because anorexia has been a part of me for so many years.

But I'm ready to win this game too (I think). Batter up!

Dee74

I understand Jillian

I eventually decided if I didn't take that leap of faith (and yeah, the risk involved) I'd never move on...I'd be stuck in my present, and tied forever to my past.

Volunteering was the way I got myself out of the house and back into the community - & I was doing something worthwhile to boot

D

Sapling

That's awesome Jillian...I'm really happy to hear that!

Jilllian

Funny you mentioned that, Dee ~ I'm in the process of starting a local support group for mothers of children with autism (like me). A local nonprofit called and asked me to do this after reading an article in our small town newspaper about autism and area schools not being able to support these children in the ways they need to be supported. I'm scared to death, and have backed out of one meeting already last week.

The words I try to tell myself are "get 'er done."

Thanks for sharing that. It made my night.

finaltime

Jillian WAY TO GO!!! I am 7 months clean from oxy and vicodin and any type of pain med. I used to take whatever I could get my hands on. I am so proud of you. I am a lot like you where I also have/had to work on being social again. I find myself insecure in social situations and the only way I have to work on it is to just go for it. Put myself in the situations and deal with it. 99% of the time I feel great after. I am here if you ever need to talk. I post more in the Substance Abuse forum.

Impurrfect

(((Jillian))) - YAY for you!! I'm really glad to hear of your clean time and also about the local support group. I volunteer at a senior center, just feed them lunch, but it has given me SO much. Now I know why people recommend the volunteer thing.

The friend who told me about this center, told me yesterday, it was the best thing that happened to me because "you had your head SO far up your a$$, were stressed out and you needed a break".

I am so proud of your clean time, and I hope that the local support group gives you what I've found in volunteering. BTW, my niece is autistic and her mom and dad have found tremendous support from others who are dealing with the same thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ex D-Boy

great job!!!

One question I have to ask. Why even watch Intervention? For me that is a huge warning sign of my brain trying to make me vulnerable. I lived through the life no need to watch others go through that same ordeal and put all those things fresh back into my mind. Maybe it is helpful for you, I am not sure but its always good to question everything.

Keep up the recovery, Life is wonderful sober

Jilllian

Good question. I asked myself that same question today. I wanted to see shows on how women beat anorexia, but the show is paired with two different issues (like say "eating disorder" with "substance abuse"). It was weird to watch (the substance abuse part), and it made me uncomfortable. But it also in a way reminded me of a place I never want to be again. I didn't plan on getting a reminder like that when I watched the show (never saw it before), but I do believe everything happens for a reason, and that I was meant to watch it, strange as that may sound...

Good on you for being so self-aware. That's some serious awesomeness right there...

ex D-Boy

that doesn't sound weird at all Jillian. I know a lot of people who it really helps them in recovery when they 'keep it fresh' by watching shows like Intervention and stuff. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect on me! lol.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulder and you analyze all of your actions and thoughts. Keep that up and you'll do very well in recovery

Happier

Jillian, I watch Intervention too. Seems to help me by reminding me what active addiction looks like and reminds me of a place that I want to avoid going back to.
To each their own though as I understand how it may not be a good thing for others. Just didn't want you to think you were alone.

liv1ce

Jillian,

I have been isolated as well and have very few friends. I can count then on one hand and leave room to add a couple. During my recovery, though, I had my best friend who is my wife and I couldn't have done it without her. You did it all by yourself and congratulations for the whole thing.

I should add sr to my list of those who helped as this place has been a great place to come. So if you are wondering who will be your friend I think there are a bunch right here.