Am I being too positive?

Old 09-15-2012, 04:26 PM
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Am I being too positive?

Today my addict got out of rehab. He looks great and seems to be doing fine, we went to see a dr right after he left the facility to get started with a maintenance plan.

When I dropped him off at rehab I knew that this could be his new fresh start. I am being very positive and telling him how proud I am of him and that I know he can do this. I asked him some questions about his past and he says he doesn't ever want to live that way again (well what addict doesn't say that) anyway, so I bought him this wonderful book to read about addiction and I have been giving him support with his sobriety.

I know he has only been clean for a short while and there is a chance for relapse but I am trying not to think that way. I am trying to put it in my head that he is going to do it! This will be the new him and he will finally be who he set out to be. Am I crazy?

He told me what triggers him to use and that he is scared. I know it is hard to get clean and the first few months can be very trying but I hope that I am not being stupid. I just really want to stay positive because if I don't I will go insane. I am trying to move forward with my life with or without him. I just hope he sticks to his word so that he will be moving forward right by my side.

Oh well, I know there isn't anything I can do. It is HIS life and HE chooses how to live it and I can't enable anymore.

Here goes nothing...
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Old 09-15-2012, 04:36 PM
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I thought he wasn't able to do the rehab program due to insurance reasons? Did he just complete the detox portion? If so, he will probably still need to attend some sort of program, NA, etc. to help him learn how to make different choices and deal with those triggers in ways other than using again.

I think it's great to be positive, and it can't hurt his attitude, but if I were you I wouldn't necessarily bet on him staying clean forever from here on out. Hope for the best, plan for the worst? I'm still trying to get my head around that and actually put it into place. It's difficult, because you just want to try to think positively all the time. The chances of him relapsing are so high (unfortunately) that I don't think it will do you any favors to be OVERLY positive.

I also think it ca be trying for more than just the first few months. Through the journey I'm on, learning more about my bf's addiction, I've talked to many people who were clean or whose loved ones were clean for YEARS and began using again. It's a rough road to stay sober.
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Old 09-15-2012, 04:42 PM
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Positive is great! Don't let the positivity get ahead of you and turn into expectations, which are just resentments waiting to happen.

Encouragement is great! Don't let the encouraging turn into pointing out his recovery path or walking it for him though. Restating what I suggested in my last post (on another thread), get and read recovery books for you, not recovery ones for him. Get him an unrelated funny book, one about a possible hobby interest of his, some book on his cart or wish list, anything but a recovery or addiction book.

Recovery is an inside job; his job. Let go of that. Let him do his job. If he succeeds, it's only going to be because he did it from the inside out.
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Old 09-15-2012, 05:42 PM
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My motto has been to hope and pray for the best, prepare for the worst. I don't mean to sound like "debbie downer" but I'm both an RA and I have loved ones who are A's - some are in recovery, some aren't.

Early recovery is tough, both for the RA and the loved ones. I, personally, didn't want to talk about my addiction at all, for a while. My dad would ask me "are you having any cravings" and I'd say "gee, I wasn't even thinking about it until you brought it up!". I was rude, snappy, emotional and just wanted to put the past behind me.

5-1/2 years later, I'm STILL dealing with my past (some consequences last a long time) but my family has learned what my life was like in bits and pieces. It took time for them to trust me, but I understood that - in large part because I'd been lurking here for a couple of years and I knew what the loved ones went through.

Now, it's kinda funny. On my last "birthday" I told my dad and stepmom, who I had put through pure he!!, "I've got 5 years clean today" and they both were really happy, but also said "5 years? I thought it was longer than that!".

That's because my ACTIONS speak recovery. I don't see any wrongdoing in being positive, I just think it's a good idea to always keep in mind that actions speak louder than words ever will. I wish you both the best of luck!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-15-2012, 06:56 PM
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If he is getting out of Detox, that is different than rehab and the only reason I point this out is that he may be clean but may not have the tools to stay clean. I pray that he does, but please protect your money and possessions until he has some quality clean time under his belt.

Of course it is good to enjoy any good days, and there is nothing wrong with thinking positive, but that doesn't mean to let down your guard and make yourself vulnerable again.

Just be careful, this is a testy time for anyone early in recovery.

Hugs
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Old 09-15-2012, 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by kyles View Post
I thought he wasn't able to do the rehab program due to insurance reasons? Did he just complete the detox portion? If so, he will probably still need to attend some sort of program, NA, etc. to help him learn how to make different choices and deal with those triggers in ways other than using again.

I think it's great to be positive, and it can't hurt his attitude, but if I were you I wouldn't necessarily bet on him staying clean forever from here on out. Hope for the best, plan for the worst? I'm still trying to get my head around that and actually put it into place. It's difficult, because you just want to try to think positively all the time. The chances of him relapsing are so high (unfortunately) that I don't think it will do you any favors to be OVERLY positive.

I also think it ca be trying for more than just the first few months. Through the journey I'm on, learning more about my bf's addiction, I've talked to many people who were clean or whose loved ones were clean for YEARS and began using again. It's a rough road to stay sober.
Yes i'm sorry it was detox that he finished today! He will start outpatient therapy and meetings on Tuesday morning. As well as attending AA daily and going to church. I guess we will see what happens.

Day 1 at home was good I just have to take it day by day.
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Old 09-15-2012, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
If he is getting out of Detox, that is different than rehab and the only reason I point this out is that he may be clean but may not have the tools to stay clean. I pray that he does, but please protect your money and possessions until he has some quality clean time under his belt.

Of course it is good to enjoy any good days, and there is nothing wrong with thinking positive, but that doesn't mean to let down your guard and make yourself vulnerable again.

Just be careful, this is a testy time for anyone early in recovery.

Hugs
Ann. I wrote on the above post about him going to outpatient and he is also doing a maintanence program.

All money and possessions are hidden and locked away (well whats left of them) I hope it only goes up from here but, I def have my guard up and now that I know all of his dirty tricks and lies I know exactly what to look for.
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Old 09-16-2012, 05:07 AM
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I would put down my cheerleader pom poms and take this time to work on myself. Go to meetings, read Codependent No More all the stickeys, Cynicals blog and more.

You are codependent,we codies get all excited when we see any glimmer of hope, I would be causiously optimistic and leave it at that. His journey has just begun, detox is a baby step, he has years of recovery ahead of him....IF that is what he chooses.
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Old 09-16-2012, 06:29 AM
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I think it is a good sign that he has a recovery plan of meetings, out patient and church. The more he continues on this path, the better his chances to maintain sobriety.

Making your own plan is good too, perhaps your own meetings, recovery reading and working on regaining your balance.

The future will unfold as it may, but working a good plan today will help both of you when you face obstacles ahead.

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