Is this wrong? Advice please!

Old 09-14-2012, 11:15 PM
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Is this wrong? Advice please!

Hi,

ive not posted in a while.. i guess because things haven't been too bad.
well - 'because things haven't been too bad' is the exact thing i wanted to post about.
In my last posts i was at the point of wanting to leave my ABF, so hes been making a huge effort to make things work.
so life now goes like this... at work all week so no drinking Monday to Thursday at all (no sneaky drinks... nothing!) 1.5 bottles wine Friday and Saturday (but stops before he gets tipsy) and maybe .5 bottle Sunday. and that's his lot.
This now means: no lying, no arguing, no hidden bottles around the house, and full sanity has been restored in my life/house.
he now comes home from work and does a few d.i.y job etc per evening round the house. Gets involved in the house work and is generally very attentive, this is actually usual for him, he just had a bad couple of months.
So all is good.... 'for now'
and that's the part i wonder about... are we just hiding the real issue, its not gone, its still there isn't it? he's still an alcoholic, that doesn't change.
its difficult now to think about leaving as things are so good, and if he can stay like this, which i think he can, (although a relapse will occur, which would probably involve him getting steaming drunk over a genuine situation that has affected him maybe once every 4-5 months) that's what life with my ABF will be like.
What do people think? is this good/bad? am i fooling myself? are all the dangers of life with an A still there but just well hidden?
im confused! because part of me thinks that if he can stay like this, and i am genuinely happy like this... is it wrong?

And advice please?!
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Old 09-14-2012, 11:24 PM
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This seems like the HAMS treatment talked about in another thread. Here is my .02 I think if it's working, it's working. Even an A in abstinence recovery has a chance of relapse.

HAMS is Harm Reduction, Alcohol Abstinence and Moderation Support
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Old 09-15-2012, 03:25 AM
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What do people think? is this good/bad? am i fooling myself? are all the dangers of life with an A still there but just well hidden?
im confused! because part of me thinks that if he can stay like this, and i am genuinely happy like this... is it wrong?

Hey if it works for you and your OK with this it is really no one else's business.

"What Other People Think Is None Of My Business"
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Old 09-15-2012, 03:58 AM
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Scacra, what do you mean by "wrong"?? There really is no right or wrong, as in correct or incorrect. This is YOUR one precious life. Is this how you want to live it? Are you nervous each day, wondering when he is going to go off on a bender? Do you feel anxious or stressed living with him? If this life is good enough for you, then what could be wrong about it?

IME, moderation in drinking does not work. In fact, it is my A dad's motto and has been for as long as I can remember. And he is now in his mid-70s, still drinking a case or so a day, sitting there rotting in his chair, miserable and slowly dying. I imagine that if you thought BF is an alcoholic, he's still an alcoholic, and yes, their level of use will always go back to what it was before they tried to moderate their drinking. Alcoholism is progressive and as long as the alcoholic continues to drink, their bodies will require more and more alcohol to feel the same effect as before. Unless the alcoholic completely abstains, the disease will continue to progress.
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Old 09-15-2012, 10:11 AM
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If I were you, I'd not worry about if this is wrong and simply enjoy the peace it brings.
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Old 09-15-2012, 10:51 AM
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To me, relapse indicates there was a fair amount of recovery before the fall.

Moderating drinking is a different animal, and not what I would consider to be recovery.

I will say that I sold myself short for a long time and "settled" for dysfunctional relationships. I thought I wasn't whole if I didn't have a warm body next to me at night. I thought I needed a man in my life, regardless of the cost to me whether it was financial, physical, or spiritual consequences that I experienced.

If the moderation works for your ABF, that's great.

Only you can decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life or not.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:31 AM
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hi All,

just an update... this 'compromise' we have is till working, we are both happy and my A is still sticking to his word. no lying, no sneaky drinking, nothing like that.
he seems much more relaxed and talks to me about how he is feeling, its taking his heart and soul to do this, as his every waking thought is about wanting to drink... but hes doing it, and has yet to let himself/me down.
his career is flying and his parenting skills too... he is a stable trustworthy loving man whom 'for now' i trust. my anxiety and fear is subsiding and life is 'normal'
so for us, and for now.... its our way of life. Maybe were naive, maybe were avoiding the inevitable, but, if it means were both happy and he is drinking that little bit less, and none of his loved ones are feeling pain caused by him, then ill take that.
feel free to leave opinions good or bad! i just wanted to share how we tried to work through the hell that we all experience.. that brings us to here.
Im no fool, i dont know if this can last, but this is our last chance, so i felt i/we had to try.
i can hand on heart say for the 4-5 months.... ive been genuinely happy and haven't felt like i was sharing my life with an alcoholic. The feeling however long lived is good.
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:43 AM
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Well, repeated and extensive social research consistently reveals that there IS such a thing as non-abstinent recovery. While such a thing would not work for me personally, I can't argue with the fact that it exists.

Apparently, your husband's recovery is of this sort. And yes, that is okay.
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:58 AM
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Only the truth....
Thanks, i didn't realise there is such a thing... ill research that and see what i find.
As i say, who knows, maybe it wont last but its good that something is working for now.
Thanks for your post, wishing you good health.
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Old 11-18-2012, 09:44 AM
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Based on my experience only, I have three things to share.

Enjoy your time with the man you love. If today is happy, be happy.

Continue to work your recovery and create, know, and exercise very strong and healthy emotional and concrete boundaries. Not as easy as it sounds IME. If you feel like this is could use some work, $$ for a counselor will be money well spent no matter what.

And this one might get me flamed but again, it is based on my experience only - do not have any more children. If this doesn't work at some point in the future, near or far, the repercussions for the children are heartbreaking. I can't go back in time and change the reality my children live today. It isn't the end of the world for them but it isn't fair either. It hurts my heart every day and I feel like they have been cheated and I continue to have to make choices that seem to cheat them out of what they deserve.

We can't predict the future for your boyfriend. When my husband was in a similar place it didn't work long term so that is my frame of reference.
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Old 11-18-2012, 10:05 AM
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scacra, if it works for you, then its working. At the point that it stops working, then take a look at the situation and decide what to do next. There is no point in future-tripping right now...it only creates anxiety for you. Take it one day at a time, enjoy the good times, and live without fear that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. Have faith in yourself that if it does, you will be strong enough to handle it then.
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Old 11-18-2012, 10:48 AM
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Thumper... thanks for the post. Just to let you know.. i dont have children. My A does, from his previous marriage and i see what it did to them. As much as i love him, i believe his disease makes him incapable of being a good father (consistently) so i would not do that to a child, and as much as i want a child (im 36) i know that with him there is a huge chance it would be misery for the child or me as a single parent, and i wont allow that to happen.
i can be there for his children and help him love his children in the right way, im happy to be part of that, but i wont allow another child to 'maybe' be put through the same.

and as sad as this maybe, i dont feel i can totally blame him for my lack of children as we have only been together 2 years and i was childless at that point too.

thanks for reading and advising everyone.
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Old 11-18-2012, 03:58 PM
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I suggest reading about alcoholism. It is a progressive disease and there's nothing anyone can do to halt it but stop drinking.
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Old 11-18-2012, 11:22 PM
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Thanks for the post NYC.
i have read more than you can imagine about the 'disease' of alcoholism, and there are so many critics of each theory. Some believe abstinence is the only way, some believe in non abstinence recovery, some believe its a disease, some believe its just bad behaviour.
All i can tell you is my experience, my partner over the past 2 years has not progressed but slowly decreased his habit. He used to drink sat/sun all day until he was unconscious, he used to drink every week night, he used to hide drink, lie about drink and hurt people he loved again and again due to drink.
slowly but surely over the last 2 years ALL of the above have stopped, and were left with a Friday night drink, a Saturday night drink (but not drunk) and a a few glasses of wine on a Sunday.
Im under no illusion that hes still an alcoholic. fact. but if he can maintain this and keep progressing in the right way, it must be better for his health, him as a person, me, his family his job etc... and 2 years of cutting back is progressive, but in a different direction!
im prepared to support him with this and take the risk for the happiness its brings so many people right now.
in the back of my mind i have my own worries, i always will have, and totally accpet your view.
ill keep updating.
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Old 11-18-2012, 11:39 PM
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I've seen this pattern many times with my xabf & each time he was doing well it didn't last.
Then the pattern repeats.
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