Emmaxbx

Im new to this but would be grateful for some advice.....

My mum has been fond of a drink from as far back as I can remember. From when I was a child she used to like a drink of wine most nights but still managed to hold down a full time job.

4-5 years ago the problem become more serious, she was drinking 2-3 bottles of white wine per day, and going into work the next day still drunk! Eventually she lost her job, claiming she was being bullied in the work place. Of course myself, my sister, brother and father knew that this was an excuse for her to stay at home all day and drink. She was now drinking the minimum of 4,5,6 bottles of wine over a 24 hour period, she was not eating and lost excessive amounts of weight.

My mum would change into a completely different person, almost like jeckle & Hyde, she would become violent towards my father, even claiming to other family members that my father was attacking him! Of course we know that is not true as my father is not the sort of person to attack anybody.

Things have been a lot worse this year, my mum stopped drinking for 2 days & had a seizure. She was admitted to hospital, but they would not give any information regarding the test results to my father (so we are non the wiser) to how all of this drinking is really effecting her. She discharged herself from hospital & carried on with the drink.

Our family have tried talking to her, re assuring her that we know she is sick and we would do anything to help. It has now come to the point that my father can't stay in his own house through the fear of being attacked!. Last night she had another seizure & refused to see the paramedic when they arrived. We have spoken with the police and local GP who have told us that there is nothing they can do until my mum admits she has a problem and asks for help.

I don't know what else we can do to save her, or make her realise what she is doing to herself and family. My dad is contemplating selling his house so that he can start a fresh, but doesn't know what to do to help his wife.

Please can anybody help?

Kialua

You didn't say if you were living at home, a minor or not. But there really isn't much we can do to help our alcoholic parent stop drinking. You could try an intervention but that has slim success. Or try to get her committed but you need a history of police events and a social worker.

Impurrfect

((Emma)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Unfortunately, your mom is the only one who can change herself.

I'm a recovering addict, live with my dad and my stepmom - she is an active addict. Even knowing all I do about addiction, I can't make her change.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but sadly it's the truth. You may want to check out some al-anon meetings, as they are for people who's loved ones are alcoholics. I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR! Unfortunately, there really is nothing you can do, as others have already mentioned. It can be so hard to let go of an alcoholic parent, I know. But, that's your only option in this case. You can't force her to "see the light." No one can. Get yourself into Al-Anon or ACOA if there's a meeting near you. And of course, keep posting here. We're here for you!

bjames

Not sure what state you're in, but in MA, a family member (or members) can petition the court to commit someone for up to 30 days if it is shown that they are a harm to themselves or others. You don't need to have any police involvement. You don't need an attorney, therapist, etc. You and your family write and sign affidavits and also go in front of the judge. The judge has your mom brought into court (unless she willingly shows up) and she is then evaluated by a court clinician, who gives his/her opinion to the judge. The judge then makes a determination based on your affidavits, testimony, and findings and opinions of the doctor. The judge has two options: let her go or send her to detox. Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

Kialua

Yes Bjames is correct. But to show she is a harm to herself sometimes is the tricky part. You should definitely get the ball rolling. Let us know how it goes.

We did this many times for my sister. She would clean up, med up and be sane enough to get let out after her thirty days and go her merry way. But she was finally diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and she was not an alcoholic.

Kialua

Oh, I just looked, Manchester is in England isn't it? And you said your "Mum". So our USA laws probably don't apply. But you should ask about commitment procedures and see what it entails where you live.

Kialua

I just googled "England sectioned involuntary commitment" and found this:

Q: How do you get someone in your family sectioned under the mental health act?
meaning people who can't think for themselves...

A: Get your family GP to come and see the person. (S)He can then make any necessary arrangements. If they don't agree with your diagnosis then you can try A+E as a last resort, but you're more likely to get things moving through a GP who knows the patient's case history. The only problem is that not all GPs are very competent or experienced when it comes to mental illness...
Source(s):
My stepsister had to be sectioned, but only after one GP let her go off and have a high speed car accident because she was able to convince him that she was ok. A second GP who had experience of mental problems got her sectioned within a day.

Emmaxbx

Thank you for all of your advice. Sorry I did forget to say I don't live with my parents anymore. When I was pregnant with my 1st son (6 years ago) I couldn't take the stress of living with my mum anymore. I now live 15 miles away with my partner & 2 sons.

My dad has visited out local GP on a few occasions, he knows that my mum needs help but didn't seem interested when my dad asked about having her sectioned. I am going to have a look on the Internet today to find out about the laws in the UK & see if there is some sort of loop hole. I think it's more than an alcohol problem now as she is threatening suicide (not that I think she would go through with it) she also talks to people who arnt actually here anymore.

It's just so sad that no body seems to care or willing to take her into a clinic to get her the help, everything has to be with her say so.....

I really appreciate all of your comments.

Emma x

Kialua

Well good luck. You have to be the 'squeaky wheel' to get the oil. It took us many years, around 20, to get my sister help. The sad fact is there are just too many that need help and not enough funds to help them.

Do keep us posted as it will help others in your predicament, in the future when others google for similar help it may surface.

I'm glad you are not still living at home, that is the hardest thing being a minor in the control of alcoholic parents.

olecranon

Your situation is almost identical to mine. My mother drinks a box of wine every day and wakes up the next day still drunk. Just like yours, my mother becomes a totally different person and is abusive towards everyone around her but especially my dad who, again just like yours, is often forced to sleep outside his own home to avoid her abuse. Just like yours, my mother has no job and just sits around all day, every day getting drunk and just like yours, she has been in the hospital repeatedly because of her drinking. My father also drinks but is not even half as dysfunctional as she is. It's amazing how similar our situations are and I do understand the pain that you must be going through.

This is my advice because I honestly think it is the only way to make a difference. Next time she is drunk and being verbally abusive or threatening, call the police and have her arrested. Warn her that you wont tolerate her mistreatment of you or your family anymore. Send her to jail as many times as you need to. Eventually, the judge will force her to stay in a detox facility against her will which is the only way to get her to stop as she absolutely will not do it willingly. If she comes back and continues her behavior, call the cops again.

I know that this is an almost impossible seeming option but it is the only way. Even if your mother says all sorts of horrible things to you because of it, just know that it is not only the best for her, but also the best for the rest of your family. You have to be strong and know that you are justified. Anything is better than continuing to live in fear, even if it means risking splitting your family apart which is something your mother has already been doing for a long time now anyways.

This might be difficult as well, but try not to feel bad about it and know that you're not the one at fault here. Even though you're the one putting her in jail, know that it is her actions that caused all of this in the first place and that all of the blame rests on her. To do this is a form of standing up to her as what she's been doing is a form of bullying. You have to be willing to overtly defy her. Remember that you have every right to do this and you don't have to put up with her abusive behavior for another second. She has no power over you.

Jimuk

Emma, how sad for you and your family, your poor father watching the woman he loves destroy herself.

I afraid i think olecranon is right. Would your dad be strong enough to bring a charge against her for domestic violence? Record her at her worst on a phone and then have her arrested. On release she maybe sober enough if shown the recording to shame her into some form of action for herself.

I'm an alcoholic, my partner had me arrested. Tough love works sometimes.

Good luck to you and your family.

Emmaxbx

My dad has called the police 3-4 times previously and they never do anything. It just seems like a lost cause & we really don't know where to turn. I have shown my dad all of your messages, he is going to contact domestic violence on monday. He has video's and txt messages on his phone for proof.

It has come to the point now where I don't let my children have any contact with her, and I don't contact her anymore. I just wish she would admit that she has a problem!. I don't know how her body is still going! Surely drinking 5/6 bottles of wine per day much be killing her inside.

Again thank you for your messages, myself & my family appreciate it.

Emma x

Kialua

Even if the police do nothing there is still a record that can be helpful. This is what we hadd to establish with my sister. Otherwise its just your word against hers. This is a wise game plan. Call as often as you can to establish a pattern. And don't back down with the police.here in US, MN the police have to press charges on a domestic violence wether or not you do.