How do I get husband onboard?

Old 09-14-2012, 08:04 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
How do I get husband onboard?

Our adult AS lives with us with his significant other.

It is time to tell him/them to move out which is hard enough but my wonderful husband of 41 years just can't seem to 'kick him out' as he puts it.

My biggest problem right now is getting my husband to agree to tell him to leave so we can present a united front. So far the pattern has been-- son gets really high and does something stupid once or twice a year. He may be using at other times but not enough for us to notice. But each year when he has some kind of big stressor he steals something from us to pay for drugs. I know...I know... We get upset, he promises he'll stop, and he ends up staying. There is a lot more but you get the idea. We're enablers and weak I guess. It is just so hard. This last time I really thought he was trying not to use. Sigh....

But anyway, my main reason for posting is to ask you all for suggestions on how to get my husband on board. He agrees that what he is doing is unacceptable and told our son "We don't deserve to be treated this way." Yet when push comes to shove, I'm afraid he'll wimp out. I'm afraid I will too but I think I can do it this time if he is onboard.

Any ideas?

Thanks, Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 08:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
You don't say how old your son is, but you guys really aren't doing him any favors by keeping him from experiencing the consequences of his bad decisions. Maybe if you present it to your husband that way, he'll be willing to step out of the way of your son and his bottom. Addicts don't desire recovery until they are so miserable that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to better themselves. If your son has a nice home to live in, a soft bed to sleep in, plenty of food to eat and access to valuables to pawn or sell to feed his habit, why would he want to change? He has it made.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 08:18 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Yikes! Thats a tough one and unfortunately, one I have no advice for? I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is read around SR and it will become quite clear that enabling is THE WORST possible thing you can do for your son. He really has no reason to stop using, because you all provide him with everything he needs it sounds like. With no consequences, why quit? It's not harming anyone...not even your son. Maybe try to tell your husband that and see if it clicks. Hugs to you!
gurlie214 is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 08:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My husband and I didn't always agree about what to do when our son lived with us. So usually I waited and in time my son would do something so awful or destructive that it was a no brainer to kick him out. After that happened twice, I just took a stronger stance and I called the shot. My husband didn't quarrel with me about it because I think he knew it would be futile.

Take your stand, be strong, and set boundaries. Let your husband know what you are doing and if it's time for your son to leave, then it's time for your son to leave...before the chaos begins.

It very hard to be a mama of an addicted child, but we don't have to let the darkness of addiction drag us down too. "Let go or be dragged" is one of my favourite sayings here because it spells it out loud and clear.

Hugs from my heart to your.
Ann is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 08:33 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
This is really difficult. Just as you can't change your son, you can't change your husband.

I'd suggest attending a few AlAnon meetings together, then explaining to your husband why you feel you can't live like this anymore. If your husband is not willing to change his behavior, you'll need to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Each partner will take a different path to determining their own limits. My husband and I went back and forth for years with one of us enabling and the other being tough. It caused an incredible amount of stress on our marriage. What finally worked for us was to get a professional interventionist involved, He talked to us together and individually, and then held a family session with us the day before the intervention, making sure everyone was on board and united. It wasn't cheap, but it gave us a formal framework and process to follow, so that when we told our son that he could not do drugs and live in our house it was done with love (not anger) and there was no waffling.

Your husband may not be at the point yet where he can do that - and professional help may not be enough to get him there. If he's not on board, but does it anyway - and then your son gets killed on the street - that will create damage to your marriage that may never heal.

If you are thinking about kicking your son out so he hits bottom and gets better - that may not happen. Making a decision based on forcing an outcome is not a good idea. If your husband wants to keep him home to keep him safe- that may also not happen. Addicts die in their beds, and they die on the streets.

Whatever decision you and your husband make needs to be based on what's best for you. Do what will give you peace. Hopefully you can get there together.
SundaysChild is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 09:45 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It looks like your son, his wife and 2 kids have been living with your for 4-5 years, now. Under the very best of circumstances, this is not a healthy arrangement for anyone. It sounds like all it's accomplished is mutual dependence and keeps your son a perpetual adult child.

Know that your home is not their only option and the longer they continue to live there, the more challenging it will be for anyone to achieve some semblance of normal.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 09:48 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
BeavsDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by Hangin' In View Post
KariSue,

Welcome to SR. There's great support here, so I hope you'll stick around, read and post some more. If you haven't already read the "stickies" at the top of the page, do so. There's great info in them.

I'd recommend you try and find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your town and attend. Meetings have helped me tremendously and I know I'd still be miserable if I hadn't added them to my life.

One of the best things I've learned in MY recovery (I'm recovering because my daughter is an addict. She is addicted to drugs and I am addicted to her.)is to set my boundaries. I had to learn that my daughter living in my home only caused both of us great stress. You son is an adult, so I think you must treat him as one despite his using. Maybe give them a deadline to be out of your house, say 2 weeks.

Bottom line is your son will never get back into his recovery as long as you make his life comfortable while he is using. And I say that with such love because I have been that mother who was the chief enabler.

KariSue, you say you're stuck in the middle. Well, no one can move you but yourself. You can take yourself out as soon as chose to do so. It took me a while to realize that, but it's true. I learned about the "truth" of recovery at meetings and on this board. I hope you'll find a meeting.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family,
Hangin' In
This is the first person to ever respond to your situation, back in Jan 2008.

Anything added since then has been redundant.

Nothing changes...because nothing has changed besides the name of the significant other.

You guys are still as addicted as he is. Good luck.
BeavsDad is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:10 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by SundaysChild View Post
This is really difficult. Just as you can't change your son, you can't change your husband.

I'd suggest attending a few AlAnon meetings together, then explaining to your husband why you feel you can't live like this anymore. If your husband is not willing to change his behavior, you'll need to make some tough decisions for yourself.

Each partner will take a different path to determining their own limits. My husband and I went back and forth for years with one of us enabling and the other being tough. It caused an incredible amount of stress on our marriage. What finally worked for us was to get a professional interventionist involved, He talked to us together and individually, and then held a family session with us the day before the intervention, making sure everyone was on board and united. It wasn't cheap, but it gave us a formal framework and process to follow, so that when we told our son that he could not do drugs and live in our house it was done with love (not anger) and there was no waffling.

Your husband may not be at the point yet where he can do that - and professional help may not be enough to get him there. If he's not on board, but does it anyway - and then your son gets killed on the street - that will create damage to your marriage that may never heal.

If you are thinking about kicking your son out so he hits bottom and gets better - that may not happen. Making a decision based on forcing an outcome is not a good idea. If your husband wants to keep him home to keep him safe- that may also not happen. Addicts die in their beds, and they die on the streets.

Whatever decision you and your husband make needs to be based on what's best for you. Do what will give you peace. Hopefully you can get there together.
Of course, I want him to get better but that isn't the reason I want him out. I want him out so MY life can be happier. I'm tired of it all.

Thanks, I like the idea about the interventionist. I'm not sure I'd go that route but it is the kind of idea I was looking for when I started this thread. I did email an addiction therapist to help ME stop enabling but never followed through. I am still considering that.

Thanks so much.

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by BeavsDad View Post
This is the first person to ever respond to your situation, back in Jan 2008.

Anything added since then has been redundant.

Nothing changes...because nothing has changed besides the name of the significant other.

You guys are still as addicted as he is. Good luck.
Hey, you're not supposed to remember I was here before, lol. I come and go because for really long periods of time (like a year) he seems like he is done and then something bad happens and here we go again....

You're right though so 'US' is what I am trying to work on now and asking for advice.

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:37 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
It looks like your son, his wife and 2 kids have been living with your for 4-5 years, now. Under the very best of circumstances, this is not a healthy arrangement for anyone. It sounds like all it's accomplished is mutual dependence and keeps your son a perpetual adult child.

Know that your home is not their only option and the longer they continue to live there, the more challenging it will be for anyone to achieve some semblance of normal.
Oh no, he and his wife divorced quite a while ago. His kids live with their mom but he gets them in the summer and every other weekend. He also is in and out of my house (but mostly in) but this time when he leaves he won't be coming back.

The problem is when he was out and using then his now ex wife would let him do visitation and he had them in this not very good neighborhood and I was afraid he'd be high when driving them. Their mom is not an addict but she didn't seem concerned enough to only let them have supervised visits. So I let him live with me for that reason and I'm sure for other reasons but that was my excuse. I still think it was valid but maybe that was wrong. I realize I could have called Children's Services, etc. if I was worried about them but just went with having them visit at my house to avoid putting them through the trauma that getting involved with Children's Services might be for them.

Anyhow, I know you're right and thanks!

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 12:43 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Ann View Post
My husband and I didn't always agree about what to do when our son lived with us. So usually I waited and in time my son would do something so awful or destructive that it was a no brainer to kick him out. After that happened twice, I just took a stronger stance and I called the shot. My husband didn't quarrel with me about it because I think he knew it would be futile.

Take your stand, be strong, and set boundaries. Let your husband know what you are doing and if it's time for your son to leave, then it's time for your son to leave...before the chaos begins.

It very hard to be a mama of an addicted child, but we don't have to let the darkness of addiction drag us down too. "Let go or be dragged" is one of my favourite sayings here because it spells it out loud and clear.

Hugs from my heart to your.
I like your quote. I think I'll say that to him. We're going to dinner tonight to have a talk. I told him a few days ago how I wanted to do this. He hesitated but said he would think about it.

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 02:09 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
kmangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
If I waited on my husband to tell our adult son to move out, he'd probably still be living at home!

I bought a book by Alison Bottke (Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children) and that really helped me get my thumbs out and make some changes like get the car keys back from our son and discuss his moving out. Fortunately he had already decided to move in with his girlfriend, but what I told my son was that our home is not Plan B should it not work out between him and the girlfriend. He was not happy, said "Thanks Mom for being so negative". As it turned out, he tried to pull a fast one over on the girlfriend and he almost had to find a Plan B. Maybe by knowing he couldn't come back here he decided to straighten his act out (for the moment anyway). He seems to be doing okay now.
kmangel is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 03:05 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Maybe you need to leave and let your husband, son girlfriend and anyone else to live with him.

If you are unhappy, you need to do what is best for you.

This has been going on for a long time...and...if nothing changes nothing changes, it is all about what you want in your life, what your happiness IQ is.
dollydo is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 03:23 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrsDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
KariSue,

I have been going through something similar with my husband. Our situation is different from yours in that our son does not live with us. But we recently went through a situation where my husband had to suspend him from work because of how shall I say ‘improprieties’. I was unhappy with the way he handled it. And there was one point when after not speaking to him for a day, he finally said that he did not want our son’s issues, to become an issue between us; and we went away for the weekend and tried to reconnect and rebalance.

I think that when dealing with a child (regardless of age); parents often have different feelings of how to handle things. I am glad to hear you say that your reasoning for wanting your son to move is because of how the situation makes you feel. I don’t think it is ever wise to get in the mindset that an action we take (like asking them to move out) will have the desired consequence of forcing them to their bottom, and ending their use. I feel that often backfires.

My husband and I have talked with specialist in addiction, and in family counseling. One way it helped, was that is allowed us to share the same sources of information, and it kept us on the same page. It’s a really tough thing to balance I think. Staying true to yourself, but balancing that with the needs of your partner.

My suggestion is just talk, and talk. My husband and I have one firm rule, and that is we will base our decisions on what we both feel comfortable with; because whatever happens with our son based on choices we make; we have to live with that.
MrsDragon is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:38 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Maybe you need to leave and let your husband, son girlfriend and anyone else to live with him.

If you are unhappy, you need to do what is best for you.

This has been going on for a long time...and...if nothing changes nothing changes, it is all about what you want in your life, what your happiness IQ is.
You know what, I did float that by him a couple of days ago but I wasn't leaving him per se but the house. He isn't home much anyway as he works two jobs but my daughter has an apartment close by us. I told him I was considering bunking at her place because son is not working right now and I wanted to be away from him. On my husband's day off, I would be here at home. I am determined that this won't break us up.

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:45 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
I'm not so sure it's wise to leave your addict son alone in your home for days at a time. It would be much better if you could get your son to move out, then change all the locks. Just my two cents worth.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:47 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Oh, I agree, yet sometimes we all need a wake up call. Perhaps your husband needs to realign his priorities, a relationship can get lost when addiction is present...it is the disease that affects the entire family...and not in a positive way.

Take care!
dollydo is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:54 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by MrsDragon View Post
KariSue,

I have been going through something similar with my husband. Our situation is different from yours in that our son does not live with us. But we recently went through a situation where my husband had to suspend him from work because of how shall I say ‘improprieties’. I was unhappy with the way he handled it. And there was one point when after not speaking to him for a day, he finally said that he did not want our son’s issues, to become an issue between us; and we went away for the weekend and tried to reconnect and rebalance.

I think that when dealing with a child (regardless of age); parents often have different feelings of how to handle things. I am glad to hear you say that your reasoning for wanting your son to move is because of how the situation makes you feel. I don’t think it is ever wise to get in the mindset that an action we take (like asking them to move out) will have the desired consequence of forcing them to their bottom, and ending their use. I feel that often backfires.

My husband and I have talked with specialist in addiction, and in family counseling. One way it helped, was that is allowed us to share the same sources of information, and it kept us on the same page. It’s a really tough thing to balance I think. Staying true to yourself, but balancing that with the needs of your partner.

My suggestion is just talk, and talk. My husband and I have one firm rule, and that is we will base our decisions on what we both feel comfortable with; because whatever happens with our son based on choices we make; we have to live with that.
Thank you, your post is so helpful!

Well, good news. We went out to dinner and this last episode that my son pulled finally was my husband's last straw. Our son will be gone by October 1!!! Plus that, my husband had a idea/plan that we both feel good about. I am hesitant to say what the actual plan is because many here wouldn't agree but so what, who cares, it might help someone else. So here goes.

We decided that although he doesn't deserve it, we will give him one last bit of help. We are going to let him find an apartment but he can't go over a certain dollar amount and we WILL NOT co-sign anything. Our name will be on nothing. Starting in October, we will pay 3 months rent on a cheapie apartment. After that, we are D.O.N.E. No more money ever and he will never, ever move in with us again. If they want a bigger place, they can save up and get one. It might be wrong to 'help' but he will be out of here forever, we can both agree on it. I really wish my husband would have thought of this 3 years ago. We are going to tell him Monday to make sure we sleep on it and are still fine with it in a few days. I know I will be.

Kari

P.S. To be fair, they did have money saved up to move out but then he hurt his back (herniated discs) and couldn't do his physical labor job. They had to spend all their money on doctors and MRI's, etc. Now he has insurance but didn't have it before they used up all their money.
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-14-2012, 04:57 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I'm not so sure it's wise to leave your addict son alone in your home for days at a time. It would be much better if you could get your son to move out, then change all the locks. Just my two cents worth.
I agree. It was more just a way to let my husband know I was dead serious. I figured it would never happen. However, if it had I'd have put what I valued in storage and found a way to make it work.

Kari
KariSue is offline  
Old 09-17-2012, 09:53 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrsDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
KariSue,

Your welcome; thought its seemed we had similiar situations with our husbands.

Was wondering how your both feeling after the weekend ?

I believe the solution you worked up together is very good. May not make implementing it less emotional; but it might. Hopefully since it was a mutual agreement; you and your husband can lean on each other for support, and there will be less tension now.

Good Luck.



Originally Posted by KariSue View Post
Mrs Dragon. Thank you, your post is so helpful!

Well, good news. We went out to dinner and this last episode that my son pulled finally was my husband's last straw. Our son will be gone by October 1!!! Plus that, my husband had a idea/plan that we both feel good about. I am hesitant to say what the actual plan is because many here wouldn't agree but so what, who cares, it might help someone else. So here goes.

We decided that although he doesn't deserve it, we will give him one last bit of help. We are going to let him find an apartment but he can't go over a certain dollar amount and we WILL NOT co-sign anything. Our name will be on nothing. Starting in October, we will pay 3 months rent on a cheapie apartment. After that, we are D.O.N.E. No more money ever and he will never, ever move in with us again. If they want a bigger place, they can save up and get one. It might be wrong to 'help' but he will be out of here forever, we can both agree on it. I really wish my husband would have thought of this 3 years ago. We are going to tell him Monday to make sure we sleep on it and are still fine with it in a few days. I know I will be.

Kari

P.S. To be fair, they did have money saved up to move out but then he hurt his back (herniated discs) and couldn't do his physical labor job. They had to spend all their money on doctors and MRI's, etc. Now he has insurance but didn't have it before they used up all their money.
MrsDragon is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:16 AM.