Weasel1966

I have always had faith I guess. Never considered what it would be like to not have it. As an addict I see people all the time asking god or their higher power to lift the addiction or cravings from them.

I never asked that addiction be lifted. I have always prayed focused on giving me the knowledge to understand it. For my heart to be healed so drinking or drugging was not something I needed or wanted. The fact I am writing this is proof that what I need is being provided.

I have found that seeking an answer to a prayer is not a bolt of lightning. It's acceptance that what I asked for will be provided. In its right measure.

There are many times in my life where things could have gone terribly wrong. When drunk or high I made many stupid choices that could have lead to real tragedy. Looking back I wonder why I was being protected again and again. I don't consider myself special but I certainly was taken care of by something greater than myself.

Is being an addict gods plan for my life? It comes down to free will. That's what he gave us. These have been my choices and not anything predestined. I am an addict.

I cannot even type that and not cringe. I am an addict. Guess that's why in AA they start sharing with that sentence. Hi, my name is Ken and I am an alcoholic and addict. It liberating to admit and confining to experience.

I have faith. It comforts me that I will understand myself enough to help myself. Actions and reactions will build me up and not tear me down.

To even consider that I am worth something in that my higher power should lend a hand is confusing to me. There in lies the essence of my addiction.

It's in myself that the addict has no faith.

freshstart57

Ken, a compelling post, as always. It is most interesting to follow you on your journey here, and thank you for taking us along with you.

It is sounding to me as though you will find some comfort and acceptance, two things that seem to be lacking in your life, within 'the rooms' of AA. Please keep looking until you find what you need. I have no doubt that you will arrive in that place you are seeking.

Best to you.

Weasel1966

Thanks fresh!

I am happy and greatful to be here on SR. And have the ability to express and share what's going on in my efforts to rebuild my life.

Overall things are getting better each day. Enjoying the excitement of what's next.

Thanks for the support.

DAB

I too have always felt protected though my addictions.
At one point I started to lose faith though and it wasn't until I started attending AA regularly that I started to get it back.
AA has laid the foundation for me to get my life back on track and move forward instead of always trying to re-live the past.

Weasel1966

Protected seems to be an understatement.... From overdosing, car accident, bar fights, falling down, getting arrested, the list goes on of near misses to tragedy.

It's not the fact that these things did not happen.... Many did... It's the frequency with which they should have happened and didn't that make me shake my head. Even if there is no god the odds were never in my favor but I defied them.

legna

Being an addict is not cringe worthy in my opinion.

Oftentimes I hear people talk about the spiritual part of the program. To me, this is like talking about the wet part of the ocean. It is a spiritual program period.

As with any spiritual path, I have found that it's alot like a trampoline, the lower one goes, the higher the rebound that is possible. An addicts path tends to go as low as anyones. Today, I am grateful I am an addict for this reason.

While I wholeheartedly respect your beliefs and encourage you to form your own concept of a higher power, let me share what I tell my sponsee's:

There will come a time when you have no defense against the first drink or drug and the only thing that will stand in your way is your spiritual condition. Now is the time to insure that your foundation is strong.

You stated, "There are many times in my life where things could have gone terribly wrong. When drunk or high I made many stupid choices that could have lead to real tragedy. Looking back I wonder why I was being protected again and again. I don't consider myself special but I certainly was taken care of by something greater than myself."

I have suffered irreversible brain damage through my addiction. My wife, in her active addiction, killed someone and was sent to prison for life without the possibility of parole. As an aside, we got that overturned four years later to life with the possibility of parole four years later and she just came home ten months ago after twenty-four years. I lost a brother to this disease, a sister is following him into death even now. In the thirty-four years since I've stepped into the program of Narcotics and Alcoholics Anonymous, I have watched hundreds of people I cared about die.

Those who didn't are, in my opinion, the lucky ones - not the protected ones. I could be wrong, you may have been handpicked to be protected, but I think that when I bestow certain interventionist qualities upon my higher power, I am in danger of relying on Him, Her, or It when in fact I need to do the work.

I enjoyed your post and look forward to hearing about your continued journey.

NoFireWater

I often feel like there was an angel on my shoulder as well. Situations that could have led to heartache, car accidents with harm to someone else, etc. definitely cringe worthy.

I think you hit it on the head about your heart needing to be healed so you won't feel the need or desire to drink/drug to wipe out reality anymore. I think it will take a lot of sober time to figure out the causes of all the angst, anxiety, and depression but it will come if we keep at it. I also think the less drinking, the less stressful situations we have to deal with, so it will get easier.

Have faith in yourself that you can do this!!

Weasel1966

Legna, that's a powerful response. Thank you for that.

I see you are new so welcome to sr. I use this as a vital tool.

mecanix

Acceptance and understanding i'm an alcoholic helped me. I don't particuarly enjoy the fact , my ego was put in it's place, i believe it has been essencial to attaining and maintaining sobriety tho'.

Bestwishes, M