Lara

Hey everyone...I have been posting under 'ThisisLife' but back to my name, Lara.
It has been almost 3 months since H screamed at me (after 10 years of a very close relationship) to 'get the hell out of his life'. He was a year into recovery from cocaine addiction... as all you members advised me - he had probably relapsed...but whatever, he was living his life as he saw fit - and tha I had to respect his wishes.
As a result of SR I have come a long way in my personal healing and journey of breaking the chains of co-dependency and putting me first. Even though i havent' posted in a while I have been reading all your threads almost daily.
Yesterday was my birthday and I still wished H had called or sent me a message. I know - so stupid of me.
Over the past few weeks he contacts me occasionally - but I have 'worked hard' at going no contact. many times I wanted to pick up the phone or send a message - but would re-read my posts and your comments - and not pick up the phone.
I get it - that probably all to much for H - the relationship etc - that he needs to focus on himself and any addict in recovery is completely consumed with recovery - and or they are in active addiction.
I can presume as much as I want - I presume H is in active addiction. He last contacted me a few weeks ago when he said he was going back into rehab (after the horrific car crash) - but he has not gone back.
Just a few questions - well more like 'vents' - if you will all bare with me (and I know it seems that I am going backwards with my own recovery - getting over the addict):
1. If an addict is in recovery - working a programme - Why isn't it OUR business????? Yes, I know we need to respect their life and give them the dignity to manage their own recovery - and many people say that we are not entitled to expect anything from anyone... BUT what about human values??? Aren't we as human beings different from animals in that we SHOULD be concerned about our attitude towards others - and that we do have a moral duty, we should have a SENSE of DUTY towards others - that we do in a way 'owe' the people close in our lives - an answer - an explanation - a duty to protect those we love and behave in a way that demonstrates our love and respect for those close to us.... it seems so often that addicts (and I know NOT all addicts are like this) - but addicts use the excuse of addiction for being selfish, self-involved ****** with NO sense of duty or responsibility!!!!!!!!
2. When H screamed at me to get the hell out of his life.... I was told by members to respect his wishes - but does that behaviour deserve respect??? I did so much for H over the years (and I don't mean in a co-dependent way) - but as a friend. Yes, I KNOW, you don't assist people expecting 'pay back' - but aren't I 'entitled' to an explanation??? Where is H's respect of ME???? How could he treat me lower than a 'dog' - and just walk away. I am still hurting. I know that we are responsible for our own emotions - but where is H's respect of me???
3. So many times in the past, I would just go around to his house (when H would suddenly go off the radar - avoiding all friends and family) - he would literally tell his security at his house to not let anyone in. But if I arrived, he would always let me in - I would find him in a heap, an emotional mess. He would talk to me - I would be tough with him - but still - I was there for him. Now I know others would say this is enabling / co-dependent. But what about just 'being a friend' - offering 'support - even advice. I remember so many times after I lost my brother in a car crash that I would avoid people as just did not want to 'burden' them with my grief - but would be so relieved if a close friend would 'just arrive'.... I think about it often (no, not all consuming in a co-dependent way) but I do think 'what if I just arrived' - that he is too ashamed to contact me to talk - that I should be 'bigger' than the situation - and just arrive!
4. Why do I still care???? How can he just walk away - and not a thought - what a waste of 10 or so years.... how could he not be missing me? How could he not call me for my birthday. Why should it still bother me? What I would do to see my gorgeous brother walk into the room - to hug me for my birthday - but Martin is never coming back - killed in a car. But H - who loved me too - is still here - he could call me - he could walk into the room. I am alive. Why doesn't he care anymore.

Anyway....I am confused. I am shocked at my own sadness. I feel grief. And I am not sure where it is coming from. Thank you all - Lara

crazybabie

2. When H screamed at me to get the hell out of his life.... I was told by members to respect his wishes - but does that behaviour deserve respect??? I did so much for H over the years (and I don't mean in a co-dependent way) - but as a friend. Yes, I KNOW, you don't assist people expecting 'pay back' - but aren't I 'entitled' to an explanation??? Where is H's respect of ME???? How could he treat me lower than a 'dog' - and just walk away. I am still hurting. I know that we are responsible for our own emotions - but where is H's respect of me???

Lara. He has shown you no respect and your staying the H3ll away as he asked is actually YOU respecting YOU should you choose and view it as having shown him respect since he asked for you to stay away so be it either way just because he did not show any doesn't mean you can't... two wrongs NEVER make a right.


4. Why do I still care???? How can he just walk away - and not a thought - what a waste of 10 or so years.... how could he not be missing me? How could he not call me for my birthday. Why should it still bother me? What I would do to see my gorgeous brother walk into the room - to hug me for my birthday - but Martin is never coming back - killed in a car. But H - who loved me too - is still here - he could call me - he could walk into the room. I am alive. Why doesn't he care anymore.

Maybe your still grieving some Lara, I am still having times that I do, as for him he is an addict and he was doing what addicts do thus no phone call your better off you already know that just a friendly reminder.

Happy belated Birthday mine was 9/11 and my brother who died 3 years ago at age 27 his would have been today I miss his hugs as well.

Lara

Hey Crazybabie thank you as always for your wise words!!! Happy belated birthday to you too - mine too is infact 9/11 - but for a technical reason my thread was accidentally removed and then re-posted a day later.

I am sorry to hear you lost your brother. Three years is such a short time still....losing a brother is a life long 'journey' of learning to live with the loss... the initial pain, shock, trauma does eventually subside - but the 'missing' never goes away....

outtolunch

This sounds like manufactured rationalization to relapse into full blown codependency.

Just curious. Did the 3 people who were " critically injured " by the tons of steel he was operating, while under the influence survive? Will their lives ever be the same?

Can you consider grief counseling?

EnglishGarden

It's good to hear from you, Lara. I hope your little boy is doing well and that life overall is kind to you.

I understand your disbelief and your confusion. And the only response I can make--which I have used in my life--is that the addict is possessed. The addict's mind and personality have been removed by the force of the addiction and replaced with a different mind and personality.

And when someone is possessed in this way, when we try to connect, when we try to support and to love, we are engaging with the second, alien, and indifferent, mind and personality.

Lara, if you read the AA Big Book maybe it will help you. I think alcohol addiction and hard core drug addiction are different in some respects. But what is basic to both is the powerlessness of the addict to direct his own life, his own thinking, behavior and feeling. He is possessed. Until you accept and fully integrate this understanding into your own life, you will continue to be shocked, hurt, and angry. And you will continue to strategize in your mind ways that you can "break through" to your ex-partner. This will keep you connected to him in the most sinister way, for it will rob you of your presence in your own life and to your child. It will keep you in darkness and despair.

I, too, am overwhelmed with disbelief sometimes in my experience of the drug addict I love and with whom I have no contact. And I QUICKLY go down when I forget the addiction and begin to think of him as a normal, beautiful, wonderful man who evidently just does not want me, for if he did, if I was enough, if our love mattered, then he would be here, making amends and building a new life with me. My self-esteem plummets in seconds, I feel cold and nauseous inside, and my hope for any future happiness for myself evaporates. That's how quickly his addiction, which left its mark in me, can take me down. This is after two years' separation and silence.

The AA Big Book is Big Book Online Fourth Edition. It is a masterpiece of writing and depth. Maybe somewhere in it something will help you.

It is so early, Lara, after so much pain and shock in your life, and I think you are doing the best you can, and hope you will trust you can share here your inner turmoil and your struggle to find solid ground again. I know it has taken me a very long time to recover from the effects of loving a man so consumed by a force greater than himself.

Lara

Oh I hear you Outolunch!!!! Needed to read your comment for reality check!!!!! One person died.

Lara

Dear EnglishGarden - as always your writing is eloquently crafted and advice brilliantly stated. Your words have literally taken my breath away. You have so eloquantly put how I have tried to explain - yet my words seem garbled. I REALLY needed to read what you wrote. Yes, I have been doing very well these past 3 months. My little boy Liam is fantastic and a happy little boy. I thank God for him every day and thank God for SR - for rescuing me from my 'potentially life destroying choice' of chosing life with an addict.
I have not travelled to Zanzibar since that 'night' of abuse. My business partner has been doing the travelling for me - just to support get physical distance between us - it helps too! I can honestly say that if it were not for SR - I probably would have rushed back to Zanzibar to 'rescue' the man I believed I knew. But as you say - H is no more - addiction destroys - and that person I once loved is not there anymore.
It does help to read your wise words - that the sadness / grief arises when I believe that the person I once loved is still there - crying out for me in the darkness. But H is not there anymore... I suppose in a way we are allowed to grieve... but there is a point where we need to pick ourselves up and keep on walking... I thought I was doing so well... there have been a culimination of sad events this past week - my oldest girlfriend, since kindergaten lost her 38 yr old husband to brain cancer - and just watching the pain and the sadness for her and her two children.... you do wonder sometimes what the lesson is??? What is the lesson I am not getting?? But last night, I was looking at photos of H, me and friends - and wept and wept - like a blubbering lost soul - but said a prayer - sat on Liam's bed watching him sleep - tossled his curly head, gave him a kiss on the cheek - and thanked God for MY life!

Lara

Yes, it completely robs you of living in the presence! I have read a lot of Ekhart Tolle - powerful writing - the 'Power of Now' is brilliant and I know - true! When I am feeling vulnerable I pick it up again to remind me of how critical it is for us to live in the 'now'. And oh how addiction can so easily kidnap our thoughts - drag us into the past filled with the 'happy' memories and all the tragedy - and then addiction can easily hurtle us into the future - with all the 'what if's... what a waste of our precious life....But I find it takes huges amounts of discipline to keep in the present! Huge - and to stay away from the dangerous wallowing of self pity!

Lara

EnglishGarden you say you still love your addict. I don't know your story - if you have a moment - what happened? How have you coped with 2 years of no contact? So brave of you!

EnglishGarden

To answer your question, Lara, he was clean and sober 15 years, working a strong program in Cocaine Anonymous. His drugs were cocaine and heroin. I naively never imagined he would ever, ever relapse. He has children from a previous marriage and his life was devoted to them. I could not ever imagine relapse. Not this one.

He had a severe cycling accident in 2010, was very badly mangled, and he was put on morphine and painkillers. And he changed, so shockingly, within two months of release from the hospital.

And one day, when he stunned me with a whole new personality and personal assault, I just let go. I don't need to go into details. But I could see that my only choice was to let go. He seemed out of control emotionally and mentally. I do not know if he had relapsed. But he was the person in Jon's description "What Addicts Do" in the sticky.

No contact since then. He does not contact me. I do not contact him. There was no formal break-up. I think many here can attest that our last encounters with addicts are often jagged and chaotic and leave us feeling deeply unresolved and trembling.

I go to my meetings, continue therapy, read SR, and have given my future to God. I do not ever consider hunting down the addict. If he works a program, I will hear from him.

At first I struggled to believe it could be addiction. I thought he must not want me anymore, maybe he wanted someone else, maybe he thought I was boring and didn't stimulate him with enough chaos and drama, maybe he wished I was younger or skinnier or sexier or more athletic......This is what can happen to our minds.

My therapist, a 73-year old Jungian analyst with four decades of experience would tell me "He's not in recovery." "He's gone back." "He behaves like a full-blown addict and narcissist." I would say, "Are you sure?" Still in disbelief. Shell-shocked. Because when an addict turns, it is quick, like a scorpion sting, and when my addict turned, it left me shaking, sick, crying, and laid flat for a weekend in my home. I did not know what had happened, it was so sudden. I could not absorb the experience.

I stayed away, no calls or letters, no driving past anywhere he might be. I did know what to do regarding someone in active addiction. So I just assumed he was once again possessed and I took right action: no contact. Contact is futile. But that does not mean the nausea went away, or the confusion and emotional pain. I still think of him. Every day. Even after two years. But I have turned this story over to God. I am powerless. And it may be just a slow dissolve over time. There may never be contact again, never a sane resolution. When we become entwined with an active addict, we expose ourselves to deep, lasting sickness. That is why we have to do what we can to get better.

I take care of my life, and even though I still have waves of sudden pain or sudden anxiety when I forget that addiction is the core of what has come to pass, I do take care of my life and continue to try to grow and become more aware of who I am, what brought me here, and what needs changing and maturing in me. I have now reached midlife, and one would think a person would be on solid ground by now. But no matter anyone's life experience or age, contact with addiction can create immediate mental and emotional sickness. We must never underestimate how ill we can become should we choose to allow active addiction into our most intimate life.

I do understand your turmoil. I hope you will make all your choices based on whether it is good for you and good for your child. There is help out there for your former partner. You will never be his solution. This is going to take time and try to just make good choices for your family, from morning to night, and let the wheel of life turn.

Lara

[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3578945]To answer your question, Lara, he was clean and sober 15 years, working a strong program in Cocaine Anonymous. His drugs were cocaine and heroin.

Dear EnglishGarden
Thank you for your post and reply and time taken. Your story is heartbreaking. I have so much to comment on - I will reply in detail in a few hours time - my little man Liam is waiting for his bedtime story (Dr Seuz is a firm favourite). You sound like an incredibly strong woman - who had a powerful inner strength and good foundations - that you seemed to know 'so quickly' that you had to go no-contact. It is a privilege to 'meet' someone like you through SR - I do believe strongly in God. And I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason. And I thank God for H - and in a way - if H didn't abuse me that night - turn on me like a scorpion (as you say) I wouldn't be on the path of healing...
God bless you - I will write in the morning

EnglishGarden

Lara,
It's not strength. It's fear. I just can't be devastated again. There is a common saying on here, "no contact=no new pain." We put ourselves at great risk when we try to connect with someone possessed by addiction. The Big Book of AA is quite clear in describing how alcoholics and addicts tear their loved ones apart.

I am just not strong enough to endure the pain.

Kindeyes

The years are never a waste. There are life experiences and lessons in those ten years.

gentle hugs
ke

crazybabie

There is a common saying on here, "no contact=no new pain."

I never saw that saying before thanks I needed that.

Titanic

Grief entails denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance. Not in series, but in a big melting pot where one or more boil to the surface seemingly by chance.

And you have more than one person to grieve about in recent times! This is not an easy kitchen to be in. Just give it time to boil, lower to simmer and then let the flame be but a nostalgic memory. Serenity to you, Lara and all!

Lara

Me too!!!!

Lara

I am still going no contact - the distance keeps me sane.. and after almost 3 months (the first time in over 10 years I have not spoken to H almost daily) - I really feel each day I am getting 'better' - as in I don't think about him as much. Yes, I do - but not that all consuming thought process. I still wake up at 3am with a sense of dread - that something might have happened to H... for the first time in 3 months I will be travelling to 'his' island. I leave in 4 days time. It is a VERY small place. I am working really hard to keep the 'no contact thing' going. But my nerves are slightly shot. I don't know what to expect. I am shocked at my own sadness. Word from his brothers is H is regressing badly. I am blown away at witnessing the magnitude of this disease and in H's instance, the sudden progression - the massive spiral down in what I believe is a relatively short time. The main reason I am going 'no contact' I feel is more out of fear. Fear of the loss if H dies. The reality we are facing is he could die. Of an overdose or bad mix. This happens frequently on this island off Africa. I try to keep him in the far recesses of my thinking - to protect me.
But please, if someone has a moment, can they answer my questions above... For me to 'move on' I also need to try to understand what I am dealing with as best as I can... I need closure of some sort...

Lara

Dear EnglishGarden... I am battling a bit - and have re-read your post for the upteenth time. I am going to print it out and keep it with me. Your writing resonates with me. It is powerful. You write with such clarity - yet I can read your pain....
All my love and prayers - thank you for your wisdom. I am sorry that your wisdom and the ability to help me - comes with such a high price - that you have been through such pain in order to share this with me....

outtolunch

As it relates to my own codependency, it is a disease of my ego. I have used my need for closure, a solution instead of ambiguity, to rationalize some of my own irrational behaviors in an attemt to validate myself.

It took time for me to grasp that closure is a gift that only we can give ourselves when we are ready to do so. It's irrational to expect those who we allowed to hurt us to validate us. It takes a lot of self-love to let go and move on.

Have safe trip and avoid being a passenger in a car driven by anyone under the influence of anything.

Lara

Outtolunch I think that is just it - I am looking for ways to validate and rationalise MY poor choices. I knew years ago that H was an addict. Yet I stayed - against all my better judgement. I ignored the 'gut feeling that something was wrong'. God and the universe did everything to protect me - short of hurling huge neon flashing signs reading "turn around you are going the wrong way" - the signs were difficult to ignore. Yet I kept making excuses... and now, after a long journey, I am feeling a little shattered, a little worn out, a little tired, a little damaged. Waiting to be swooped up in a magical world of cotton wool and love, and to be told it will all be okay. I have faced dark places before. Much darker than this. Places where I had not choice - I had to explore. Like the death of my brother. But this place, addiction, is one place that God in his mercy is allowing me to leave - to walk away. I made a mistake. And I think the greatest validation of all - which I will never receive - is that it was okay to love H. It was okay to give up what feels like half my life for him.
It is truly time to move on.

Thank you.