9 Months Pregnant and AH just broke the ultimatum

Old 09-13-2012, 06:46 PM
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9 Months Pregnant and AH just broke the ultimatum

Hi,

I'm new to this support community and need some advice. I married my husband 11 months ago (hoping he would change), knowing he had a problem with drinking too much. He would average about 25-40 bourbon drinks per week. He travels a lot and drinks very heavily while on the road, and at home he'll often have 3-4 bourbons and just seems tipsy. He's very successful and functional as an alcoholic (kind of a golden child--35 years old, at work and in life). Many of his work colleagues and friends drink heavily with him, and are also successful and think this is no problem. He has admitted to me many times over the past year that he does have a problem, when he can see how out of line his behavior is, and how he has struggled to stick to his promises to me. He also has insisted that he is capable of cutting back on his own.

I don't feel close to him when he's drinking, he has a history of lying to me when he's drinking, and I just don't trust him anymore. When I got pregnant I was very upset about his habits and gave him an ultimatum: cut back to no more than 15 per week and no more than 4 on any occasion, or else I would leave, and the only way I would get back together is if he went through treatment and had changed. There were some improvements during my pregnancy, but also some really bad times. Just 2 weeks ago I had a very upsetting night where he was trashed, and I told him I was leaving. By the next day he talked me into giving him another chance, saying he was sorry and would get support from a counselor. Within 4 days he was drunk again, and there has been no attempt of getting support. Last night, he drove home drunk from 1 hour away, ignored my phone calls, and lied to me about where he was. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and I could have been calling him to take me to the hospital. It really upsets me that I can't count on him to be responsible, and that he knowingly broke our agreement. I also can't stand the fact that he lies to me. I don't trust him at all. We were under contract to buy our dream home at a great discount, and after last nigh I contacted the attorney this morning and had them cancel the contract, due to the fact that it scares me to buy a house with someone I don't trust and might need to divorce in the future.

Now, I'm thinking about the labor itself. I moved to Chicago for him, my family and close friends are all in Oregon, and can't come out here. I asked my Doctor today if I could fly back to Oregon for the birth, and they said no, it's too late at this point. Although the thought of not having my husband with me in the delivery room really upsets me and makes me feel sorry for myself, I also don't want to go back on my ultimatum, and just let him be my partner and keep giving him chances with no consequences. I've read that in order for ultimatums to work, I have to follow through on my threat. I have no desire to punish him at all, i just want things to change, and I am scared that they never will if I don't stop the cycle of letting him back in out of hope and wanting to be together, only for him to not make permanent change. I hate the idea that he wouldn't get to see his son born, and I know it would crush him. But maybe it's worth it to make him see that he really is going to lose us unless he changes? I don't know what to do. I can get through the labor without him, it just makes me sad. I want to do whatever it takes to have the best chance of repairing our lives. Please help.

He has a pattern of treating me in a way that is unacceptable (lying, and drinking way too much), he is ashamed the next day, and then when he thinks he is losing control and losing me, he cries, promises to be better. But it never changes. He obviously needs help, but at the same time I don't think he fully realizes how much of a problem he has. He thinks that it is just bourbon, that he could drink other beverages instead and not have a problem, or that he just needs to cut back rather than completely stop. I can't imagine that to be true.

He is at his first AA meeting tonight and contacted someone at his church about his abuse. But this is all typical, springing into action when he thinks he is losing me, and then there will be no permanent change. Should I break away until the change is permanent or allow him to be there for the birth? We live in a small condo together and I have nowhere else to go right now. I could kick him out, but it bothers me to be wasting more of our money on another rent, but maybe it's worth it. I know I can do this on my own if I have to.
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:59 PM
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PDX,
How awful!!! You have to dig deep and do what's best for you. I hear a lot of worrying about him right now. GOODNESS gracious, you are about to give birth to his child and he's not worrying about you too much. I'm just so sorry. Maybe he can get himself in some sort of shape to be there for you and the birth of his child. I don't know. I'm just so terribly sorry that you are in this position and have to go through this, particularly at this time.
Is there anyway that you can get some one you love and who loves you to come and be with you?
Now is not the time to protect him by not telling your family and friends what is going on. And don't feel like you don't deserve someone to be there or that you are not entitled to ask for help because you feel responsible for the situation. If you think there is any chance someone can come and be with you, reach out and ask.
I am sending positive thoughts your way. My heart is aching for you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 09-13-2012, 08:16 PM
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Welcome to SR...

I'm so sorry you are going through this dearest heart.

Be strong, mama, and remember you are not alone in these difficult times.

Detach with love, do what you gotta do and take care of yourself and your precious little baby first...
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:30 PM
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You are one strong women, I love this statement " I know I can do this on my own if I have to. "

Focus on yourself right now and your baby. I'm not sure that I would stop him from being there for the birth. No, we can't be enablers but we do have to remember that addiction is an illness. And right now, there is no cure. If you know that you can have a life on your own, letting him see his son being born would simply be a kind gift and it is his son, too, after all! But again, only you know what's best.

I hope he gets the treatment he so desperately needs and my heart goes out to you, this is really rough!
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Old 09-13-2012, 10:46 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. SR is a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You have a few weeks to go before you deliver your baby. Please keep your focus on your needs and the needs of your child. Allow the other adult in the relationship to care for himself.

You didn't arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take time to work on solutions. Your plan to stay in the condo a little longer seems like a good idea at this time. If you need to protect yourself and your baby from his drunken behavior ~ ask him to leave. Even if it is temporary (day, week, month), give yourself the time and space you need while you focus on taking care of yourself and your precious child.

Stick around, we care about you.
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:28 PM
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I am assuming this your first baby right?

I had a tough situation develop when I was pregnant that culiminated with my partner leaving when my baby was 3 months old. It was not drink related, he met someone else when I was 8 months pregnant.

But my advice to you...

The next six months with your baby will be tough.

Babies are hard work (very worth it though) and the lack of sleep, massive change to your life, the emotions you feel for this tiny bundle of love are unbelievable.

Just focus on you and the baby.
Not him.

You and the baby are the most important.
Not him.

Take any offer of help - it's not a sign of weakness or that your not coping. But if someone offers to walk your baby in the pram so you can sleep - snatch their hand off!!!!!!!!!

Keep close to your family and friends. Join mum and baby groups too if you can. You need other new mums round you so that you can share how you all feel, be company for each other, help each other out.

The problems you have with him need to be put on ice at the moment.
There is no point making massive descions now.
You need to have your safe nest for you and your baby.

If that safe nest is threatend by him or you still see no change, then make your choices and do what you need to do.

What I would also say is, from my experience, if things are truly broken, don't waste time trying to fix them.
If you go when your child is younger, they witness less and know less.
And please, please lean on your family, embrace them, let them build relationships as grandparents, aunties and uncles.

Please pm me any time and I send you lots and lots of love and care.
Being a mum is the best thing you will ever, ever do. Your going to be great!!!

xxxx
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. SR is a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You have a few weeks to go before you deliver your baby. Please keep your focus on your needs and the needs of your child. Allow the other adult in the relationship to care for himself.

You didn't arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take time to work on solutions. Your plan to stay in the condo a little longer seems like a good idea at this time. If you need to protect yourself and your baby from his drunken behavior ~ ask him to leave. Even if it is temporary (day, week, month), give yourself the time and space you need while you focus on taking care of yourself and your precious child.

Stick around, we care about you.
THIS!

You guys are at a very stressful time right now, I would suggest maybe not making any huge decisions for a few weeks, you are kinda in the middle of creating a little person and that is hard work.

My recovering alcoholic wife had a drink a couple weeks ago - first one in 8 months and she is about 8 weeks behind you in her pregnancy. I kinda freaked out for a few days and was racing around my head trying to figure out what to DO about it. The answer was:
1. Nothing to do, she had a drink, felt a kick, puked it right out and hasn't had another. Meanwhile I lost a week of my life to being nuts because it scared the crap outta me.
2. Get myself to al-anon finally and this place where I could talk to others who have the same frustrations and fears but more practice and perspective on dealing with it.

So take a breath.... It is good that you established a boundary with him but it is your boundary. If enforcing it will be harder on YOU than it is on HIM then you can be flexible - it's your boundary, you get to move it to suit your needs TODAY which are different than 11 months ago (just a bit, huh!?!?!?).

Take care of you and the critter and maybe go to an al-anon meeting if you can find one with comfortable chairs. He went to an AA meeting and is making noises about doing the right things. You did not cause, can't control and can't cure his disease and it is a disease, not HIM that is making life miserable.

Sounds like you let him know that he has a wife who needs him and a baby about to be born and that if he wants the two of you in his life then he needs to stop. Maybe that's enough for now if he doesn't drastically rock the boat.

Do some reading too. Like me, you had no idea what alcoholism is when you said he should cut back. They can't cut back - they can stop and not drink or they can drink. Every alcoholic or spouse or loved one of an alcoholic herewill tell you that an alcoholic has zero ability to keep a promise to stop at X number of drinks unless X is 0. Once the first one is in, the disease is driving, not the patient.

OK. Enough worrying about what you can't control and can't do much about tonight. Now for the really important thing: YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!! So what Stroller/carseat combo are you going with? Now that is a seriously momentous decision that you control and NEED to figure out this week. Like figuring out if you should or should not try to peee one more time before bed when you don't have to but know you will one kick from now. Laughing yet? C'mon, remember to laugh... hell, remember what your feet look like? Betchya can't!

Hang in there, focus on the baby and enjoy this time. Hubby's alcoholism will be there to deal with later. It's important, not urgent
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:50 PM
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend View Post
THIS!


OK. Enough worrying about what you can't control and can't do much about tonight. Now for the really important thing: YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!! So what Stroller/carseat combo are you going with? Now that is a seriously momentous decision that you control and NEED to figure out this week. Like figuring out if you should or should not try to peee one more time before bed when you don't have to but know you will one kick from now. Laughing yet? C'mon, remember to laugh... hell, remember what your feet look like? Betchya can't!

Hang in there, focus on the baby and enjoy this time. Hubby's alcoholism will be there to deal with later. It's important, not urgent

So true!!!
And can you work it? Even after 3 hours of sleep? - my car seat still puzzles me?

And have you figured out where the speed bumps on the road are if you go over your due date and you might want to assist gravity?!!!

And have you got supplies of pineapple juice when you just want your baby to get a move on and put an appearance in?

Is the camera already and charged for those first precious photo's?

Have you picked babies first outfits for when you both come home?

It's soooooooooo exciting!
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Old 09-14-2012, 03:55 AM
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What joyful advice to focus on your coming baby and let your AH take the backseat (maybe literally!).

This is a glorious time in your life, and you are entitled to enjoy every (sleepless!) minute of it.

BothSidesNow
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:37 AM
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Is there someone from home that can come stay with you for awhile for emotional support? That would be my first priority. Make sure they know what's going on with you and what's at stake. You really, really aren't alone.

If not, I highly recommend getting close with some folks at Al-Anon. They can help you through this time, processing your feelings about the relationship and helping you formulate new plans. Chicago should have a huge network.

A lot of this depends on your A, whether he gets moody and violent, and/or how you feel and what you can live with without going insane. Having a good support system would be helpful. Perhaps consider going home to Oregon shortly after the baby is born.

I was pregnant last year while my RAH was going through the worst times of his alcoholism and trying to quit. He relapsed three times and lost two jobs over the course of my pregnancy, would disappear for weeks at a time, steal money, so much. It's awful to think about. He ended up pulling it together, but that's another story.

At the time, I knew that if he continued to drink (like, life decision) that I would leave. But I needed him, his company (what I had of it) and his income during that time, and I made the decision to stick with it until I was in a better place to make the big decision about whether to stay or go. So one of my boundaries was that I took over finances and budget altogether. If you have control over your own paycheck, I would do that. Not to be vindictive or teach him a lesson, but to protect yourself financially. If I thought he'd been drinking, he couldn't stay at our house. He respected this without a lot of drama (it gave him permission to hole up somewhere and wallow in booze, for one) but it meant that I had to be cool with him being "missing" indefinitely. Eventually, I WAS.

I would really take this time to focus on yourself and what you need. You might want him in the delivery room -- you might find out later that he was kind of useless in the delivery room, like mine was -- but not if he's been drinking. So much of this is fungible. It's okay to rewrite your stated boundaries if they're not going to work. Just have the big picture -- your safety, your sanity, your child's safety -- in mind.

Good luck to you. This is so difficult. I did it, other women have done it, you can do it. You will find reserves of strength you didn't know you had. Bless you, mama.
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:39 AM
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Also, be REALLY KIND TO YOURSELF. Pamper yourself to the point of ridiculousness. Think warm blankets, hot drinks, elastic waisted pants, pet kitties and puppies in your lap, pedicures, massages, books, slippers. If you can afford it, DO IT. It sounds crazy and pampered and vain, but my therapist recommended this at the time and these rituals became very important at the end, when I was huge and uncomfortable and miserable with my marriage.
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Old 09-14-2012, 06:54 AM
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Someone something said on this board that really helped me get a grip when I was spinning my wheels: "Just do the next right thing." You don't have to get everything right, this isn't a beauty pageant, sometimes we're going to do and say the wrong thing or do it clumsily, or lose our marbles, and it's easy to come down hard on ourselves and feel like failures if we don't perform perfectly.

Just do the next right thing, whatever that is.

I apologize for peppering you with comments, but this is too familiar to me and I feel you. Have you picked out baby names yet? That was my favorite part when I was anticipating my baby girl. Babies are the best.
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:04 AM
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Thanks for the support and suggestions so far. I really appreciate it. I know that I need to focus on myself and the baby right now, and maybe it does make the most sense to let him begin his initial journey alone of getting support to quit. Maybe I should not preoccupy myself with following through on my ultimatum immediately, which I now understand was insufficiently defined in the first place.

In reading more about this problem, it really saddens me to learn how predictable the pattern can be with alcoholic partners. It makes me feel little hope for our future, which makes it difficult to focus on the baby and be happy about anything. I knew there was a problem, but I underestimated the seriousness of it. I told myself that he has more control than most people, and that he would never be willing to lose his family to his drinking. I allowed myself to not think of it as an incurable disease, rather a choice. I definitely need to educate myself more on what it means to be an alcoholic, and what it means to live with one. Then I guess I can redefine my boundaries.

In the meantime, do you think it is going to blunt our chances of success if I let him back into my heart by accepting and sharing his affection? My walls are up right now while I try to figure out what it means to take care of myself and the baby, but to be honest, I don't feel happy or relaxed in this state.
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by pdxinchi View Post
In the meantime, do you think it is going to blunt our chances of success if I let him back into my heart by accepting and sharing his affection? My walls are up right now while I try to figure out what it means to take care of myself and the baby, but to be honest, I don't feel happy or relaxed in this state.
You love your husband and hate his disease, right? So it's your call but it sounds like you really want his love and support right now. Why not just be blunt and honest and say that you really want him there for this and need him by your side?

If you need to set the boundary at "...but only if you are not drinking" then do that.

I've been spending a lot of time on that question for myself - I kinda arrived at "I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic". If my wife has a relapse then the reality is that I would be handling my responsibilities plus hers and I simply won't do that AND worry about, argue with or negotiate with someone while they are intoxicated so she would need to go get help (or not) while I do what I need to do.


...the "or not" is not callous, it just means that what I would want is for her to go to a hospital or rehab or some other medical treatment facility but I have to keep reminding myself that if and when this becomes an issue she is an adult, I can't make her get help and all I can do is decide what I am need to do and let her figure out what she needs to do.

Remember those three C's - Didn't cause it, Can't control it, Can't cure it. That part is easy and logical.... the harder one is "and everything I do in an attempt to help is likely to make it worse'. That's the one we all go nuts over sometimes :-)


Keep coming back and go to al-anon. If you are down and need support, who better than a collection of frustrated codependents to turn to ;-) Where better to find people just dying to help SOMEONE LOL.


Laugh too... it helps
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:26 AM
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Makes me want to jump in my car, drive to Chicago (not too far) and drive you to Oregon.
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Old 09-14-2012, 02:26 PM
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"I can do this on my own if I have to."

You can't. You will need some help. Someone with you at the hospital, someone to leave the hospital with you, someone to help you during the first week at home with the child, someone to call on during the first month with the child.

An alcoholic who cannot control his drinking will be an unreliable source of support.

I suggest you call Oregon and get someone out to Chicago for the delivery and the first week home. If no one is available, then I suggest you call a local home health agency and have a C.N.A. lined up to help you.

Those of us who have delivered babies know how vital it is not to be completely on one's own during labor, childbirth, and the week following.

If your husband shows up when you need him during those times, and he is sober, I would accept his assistance and participation. However, if he takes even one drink during the time of labor and delivery and the first week at home, he will not be able to stop drinking. He will not show up as promised. Or, if at home, he will not "cover" for you while you get some sleep. (You will be exhausted). He will instead be drunk, if he takes one drink. An alcoholic cannot stop at one. I would not count on him but I also urge you not to use this event in your life as leverage to control him or try to force him to get clean and sober. It will not work. When you fully understand addiction, you will understand why.

Please secure solid help now, for labor, delivery, and the first week home. He may be a part of the events, but he may also be completely unavailable. Alcoholism is the inability to control the compulsion to drink. It is a disease that causes a person to drink against his will. So you cannot count on your alcoholic husband.
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:41 PM
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My RXAH, left when I was 2weeks away from having our first child together. We both have children from previous relationships.

I immediately went into stress overload. Lost 16 pounds in 10 days, my BP shot through the roof and I could not sleep at all. My DR told me to knock it off or I could stroke out.

I went to my first AA meeting that night because Al-Anon is only once a week here, and I swear everyone at AA new I was a lost soul. They were so incredibly comforting to me.

Anyways, as to the birth of your child and what to do. I text and called my AH work and left messages everytime the date was changed for my scheduled C-section which was twice before I ever had our DD. The only response I got from him, is he would be there for her, not me.

Then, surprise, I had to have emergency C-section due to my BP, and the toll it was taking on our child. I too felt he really wasn't entitled to be there for her birth. HOWEVER, I made an attempt to call him at work. I called the office number. Nobody answered. Good Enough for me. I called my Mother and she came and went in with me.

The result of not making a big effort to contact him was this. He has HUGE and I mean HUGE resentments toward me for cutting him out of the birth. I didn't cut him out, I just didn't go over the top to try to get him chased down at work to be there. He was really pissed off at me.

We have a long story, but ultimately he went to rehab about 5-6 weeks after our daughter was born. He worked on himself. I worked on me. We are now very happy together, but on occasion it does still come up. He is hurt by my lack of action.

SOO, I would suggest this. If he isn't blasted out of his mind, don't cut him out of the birth. Try to have a back up plan, if you aren't able to reach him, or he isn't in a condition to be there. Maybe have a friend to be there, as well as him, and then if he isn't able then so be it.

Birthing your child is a life event. It is the beginning of so many things. He may well be an alcoholic, but that doesn't mean he will have any less love for your child. Maybe he will follow through this time on getting help and getting sober. Maybe not. Thats his decision.

Think long and hard about why you wouldn't want him there. Make sure that if you decide that he isn't to be there, they are really valid reasons, like he is drunk off his ass, or something like that.

Part of the reason I didn't make a big attempt to have my RAH chased down, is because I was pissed, I was hurt, I was "sick" if you will from all the codie crap, and I too was harboring big resentments toward him for leaving and choosing alcohol over me and our child. Don't do what I did. I don't have huge regrets over my decision, but there will come a day when our daughter asks him if he seen her be born, and I will have to answer that. ---Seriously I may have done everything possible to let him know and he may not have came, and then it would have been on him. As it is, I didn't do anything other than 1 phone call, so now it lies on me.

Hope that helps a little. Sorry your going through this.
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Old 09-14-2012, 08:43 PM
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All good advice for a very bad situation ... reminds me of XA #1 and father of my two children.

I was a couple weeks to my due date and he wanted to go help a friend bring a boat down the coast and this was going to be an all day affair. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him being hours away but he went anyway and sure enough I went into labor and had to get a friend to take me to the hospital.

He had to get someone to pick him up and they had to drive way too fast to get their on time for the delivery... about 45 minutes! Of course, I had to go through the worst of labor alone.

Being at that birth meant the world to him... we divorced years later but he would have been crushed to have missed it despite his irresponsible decision to leave town so close to possible labor.

So... I lean towards not getting too draconian on the birth part of it. However, there is no reason not to establish a no alcohol boundary if that is what will make you most calm and relaxed.

If you prefer to be a bit wishy washy at this time you have EARNED that right! There is nothing wrong with changing boundaries due to extenuating circumstances! It is ALL ABOUT YOU and that baby... whatever works for you right now.

You nor the baby need stress... it is not good for either of you. So... if you prefer him to move out ask him to do that for you. If you prefer him to sleep on the couch send him that direction. If you want him next to you rubbing your back and feeding you bon bons and peeling grapes then so be it.

And don't worry about whether you are doing the codie thing right or wrong or changing ultimatums and boundaries! There will be plenty of time to figure it all out one day at a time once the baby has made a safe landing and you are back on your feet.

Do try to get a good friend to come and hang out with you... that is a great idea.
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Old 09-15-2012, 07:47 AM
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Two thoughts cross my mind.

The first is that, absolutely, at this point it's time to put on the blinders. Have that precious baby and focus on you and that baby.

The second is: do not despair. Remember that people with addictions do recover. Not all of us, of course...but quite a few of us.

This forum, wonderful as it is, tends to attract people whose loved ones have not recovered or are newly abstinent.

So...have that baby and keep your eyes on that prize but do not give up hope.
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Old 09-15-2012, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass View Post
Makes me want to jump in my car, drive to Chicago (not too far) and drive you to Oregon.
How many hours is that if you stop to pee every 15 miles?

Take onlythetruth's words to heart. It is easy to be mad at your husband right now. I have a feeling you would not love him if he was entirely worthless.

How'd his AA meeting go? Did he go to a second? Third? Trying to quit the drinking?

Remember, he's going to be in your life forever to some degree and in your life a lot probably for the next 18 years sober or not.

Hating alcoholism is a very healthy emotion. That's the illness he has - alcoholism. If it was cancer you would not be angry with him. I know this is harder... we think "yeah, but if my spouse had cancer they would not have CHOSEN it!". I get that thought, I keep my sanity by seperating the disease from the wife. My wife did not choose alcoholism but we did choose each other and I love her. She's fighting it.... day 14 without a drink and the day she slipped broke a string of 8 months without a drink. That one day in the middle sure did cause all hell to break loose but the other 256 days she won.

Hang in there, keep yourself calm and focus on today and the baby... hubby's battle with alcoholism will last a very long time and won't be solved today or this month or this year... CHOOSE to enjoy this special time.

Prayers to ya :-)
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