Holly21

My son is on probation with prison hanging over his head. He has already spent the last two years in jail. They stopped regularly drug and alcohol testing him and tonight I could tell that he had been drinking. Since it is a progressive disease I want to convince him to stop. Do I insist he go into a treatment facility and gamble that the Probation officer will violate him? Tell him to go to AA every day rather than his two times a week? Throw him out? I am so beside myself and really do not know what to do.

Trilogy

I vote for "throw him out". You do not have the power to convince him to stop.

Katiekate

YOu can't save him.

DAB

It's his life, he owns his problems. Do not be co-dependant.
Have a talk with him, tell him he can no longer live with you if he continues to drink.
He may need to lose everything before he can gain anything.

BobbyJ

As a parent, we alway's want to bail out our kids
With addiction, we alway's try to bail out, find the cure, fix it

How old is he? And what lesson's will he learn, if you continue to try to fix him
or clean up his messes?

Think about this: Say you help him clean this up now and he doesnt
help his self. Then in a few months, he jumps in a car and drives intoxicated.
Then, who suffers ..Him or the person he hit
How will you deal with that??

No change is No change - Maybe try this with a new approach.
Sit down and talk with him, tell him that you love him, but he's an adult
and the time has come, he must learn to fly on his own. You can be supportive
but lay down the super-mom cap and let him fly.

Sometimes, we try to make them fly so high, we are actually breaking
their other wing.........I know, because I did the same thing

Let him figure it out - Let him fall - If he doesnt reach his bottom
He wont be tired enough to stop or learn from his mistakes

My heart is with you!

NWGRITS

Yep. There is absolutely nothing you can do to save him. An addict has to want to quit on their own. The more you say and push for him to get better, the more he's going to resent you and make your life even more of a living hell. You need to let go and allow him to find his own way. If he ends up in jail, at least he had the dignity to do that out of his own choice to violate his probation. You swooping in to "rescue" him isn't going to make anything better. I put rescue in quotations because all you're doing when you're "rescuing" is enabling him and telling that his behavior is ok, and that you'll always be there to bail him out. My heart goes out to you.

Seren

Hi Holly!

It is so hard when it's a child. Even an adult child. My stepson is an alcoholic, polysubstance abuser, and crack addict. He has been in jail several times and in prison once.

One thing that helped me soooo much when I first arrived at SR is this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

wow04

As a recovering alcoholic/addict I completely agree with the above post. We have to hit bottom, before we get help. Everyone has different bottoms. My mom's rule was if I lived with her I could not use. When I really wanted to get clean and sober, I called my mom. Be strong and let him hit his bottom.

dollydo

Let him find his own way, your enabling and trying to fix him is not helping him.

He is old enough to be living on his own, why not ask him to?

Learn2Live

to SR Holly21.

We all would like to convince the alcoholics and addicts in our lives to do what we feel they need to do. However, most people I know want to live their lives the way THEY feel they want to live their lives, not how a parent, spouse, child, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or friend tells them they should. Although it seems that any rational person would hear our words and heed them, alcoholics and addicts are NOT rational people. If your son is not worried about going back to jail from breaking probation, what makes you think that a few "convincing" words or actions are going to change his behavior?

Is he a grown adult? How are you going to force him to go anywhere or do anything?

If you tell him to do anything, he may do it, but he's only doing it to get you off his back. AA does not magically cure anyone of addiction or alcoholism. The desire to quit has to come from WITHIN. And not within you or I, but within the alcoholic.

Do you enjoy living with your son? Does having your son in your home bring you peace and serenity? Do you enjoy living with a person who is serving jail time in your home?

We are all pretty beside ourselves too and know how you feel. What you should do is take the best possible care of yourself as you can. What you should do is get selfish and put YOU first and let the other adults in your life take care of themselves. If a person brings you worry, angst, and pain, they are not good for you and it is best not to live with them.

Titanic

Words are weak weapons against wine - or drugs, alcohol or addictions.

We may as well whet a wall.

Freedom1990

Hi Holly.

In the past two years while he was in jail, what did you do for yourself in order to heal from the effects of your son's addictions?

Alanon has been a tremendous resource for me in healing. I have learned to apply the principles of Alanon to all areas of my life, not just for dealing with my 34-year-old AD. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a super starter book. It really opened my eyes. I also have been in therapy off and on over the years (currently back in therapy).

I have tried convincing, talking to, begging, bargaining, and manipulating my AD into recovery. The end result was she continues to do what she does, and I had drained myself completely.

She's been in and out of jail numerous times. She lost custody of my two grandchildren (currently with their father). Her drug-seeking behaviors have never stopped. She has a sense of entitlement, and feels she is "exempt" from the laws most citizens follow.

My time is much better spent letting go and realizing God has a plan for her. I refuse to interfere with that plan. I continue to work on myself each and every day, and have reached a point where I am reasonably happy.

Sending you hugs of support.