wanttobehappy

Hi there,
I havent been on here for quite a while, but i am hoping somebody who has been in a similar situation can offer me some advice.
I will try not to ramble too much. My o/h and i have been together for four years, we have a daughter who is three soon. I did not realise he had a problem with alcohol until i was pregnant, it gradually become more regular, in the evenings only i believed at the time, but then came verbal abuse and
incidents of him smashing things in the house, police being called etc. I later found out he was also using cocaine, and only found out tonight that it was more than i knew at that time, to the point that he spent a heck of a lot of money on it weekly, and i always wondered why with a great job we never had any spare cash for holidays etc. I left with my daugher when he was drinking, I went back on promises to quit which happened for a while then it ramped back up again. I left last year for four months, he went into rehab for a few weeks, and i went back. It was ok for a while, then four months ago it happened again,and on this occasion it was the scariest and most upsetting. I left again, he went to rehab for ten days, so only a detox really, but has been going back to the clinic weekly or fortnightly for overnight stay or session. I am still living apart from him, but havent closed the door on the relationship, although up until about six weeks ago i was adamant that it was over for the sake of my daughter, and for myself. But, me being the hopeful, stupid girl that i am that so desperately wants to keep a family together, and hope every time he sorts himself out, ive let him spend time with us. I suspected this evening he had a drink as he was niggly and looking glazed around the eyes, and he admitted after a lot of pressure that he had drunk a bottle of vodka after work in the lane around the corner from the house, and that he had done so every night for the last three weeks. He then text his counseller to arrange a session this weekend. He really hasnt been in recovery at all, he said he had a few 'slips' then a few weeks without, now this every night. I feel such a fool, for thinking again it would be ok, and i feel terrible for confusing my daughter with him being there not being there etc. Its hard because he is a good father, and my daughter was so upset when we split having to split time with her between us, but i know living with an alcoholic is going to be a life time of upset if he doesnt get sober.
The most important thing of course is making sure she is ok, but i feel so guilty that she has to leave me to see him when we are apart, because she only wants to see him when we are together, she is quite clingy to me but loves daddy when im there. I also feel guilty that i am not or havent been a supportive partner, ive been to al anon and meetings at the clinic with lots of people who support their partners and go through the relapses, and cope with it. But i dont know if i can do that.
Has anyone else been in this situation, can you give me any advice, or has anyone been through this and come out the other side with a sober partner?
Thanks for reading

amy55

First off, you have 2 problems, or if you want to count it as 3, then 3

He is abusive, at least from what you said, verbally, emotionally, and physically, probably meets other abusive behavior also.

He is an alcoholic

He is a drug addict

If I were you I would call a DV shelter and find out your rights on custody, and if he was allowed visitation, if it could be supervised.

The longer he is with you, the worse his behavior will be. He feels safe abusing you, and it will, if not already be directed at his daughter. But it already is. He smashed things in your home, and the police were called. Did you see about getting a restraining order, or whatever they have in UK, I'm in US.

Alcoholism and drug addiction is also a very big deal, but I worry the most about abuse. Abuse does not get better. It's a control issue, the more you fight it, the more that it will increase.

My x was abusive and and alcoholic, not drug addict. More people will come along and advise you how behavior can change on cocaine.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

outtolunch

I don't think so. Active alcoholics/addicts and those new to recovery are not competent to parent.

Children learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them, ay home. Children tend to believe they are the source of the problems- they don't deserve normal. What has the revolving door, inconsistentcies and abuse taught your daughter, thus far?

Your daughter will grow up and always wonder why she was not worth protecting.

You have an opportunity and obligation to stop the insanity, regardless of what your husband does or not.

gurlie214

Dear wanttobehappy,
I am sorry you are going through this. I really am. Your situation is similar to mine. My RAH was addicted to cocaine for years and years (our whole relationship) and I was the last to know. He drank as well and I suppose could technically be termed an alcoholic also. It definitely went hand-in-hand. I found out about the cocaine about a year into dating him. He confessed to me and his mother, went to an 8 week outpatient program in North Carolina (where his mother lived), changed his job, his friends, everything when he came home. We proceeded to date 3 more years and got married 4 years ago. So we've been together 8 years. What I didn't know....the entire 7 years after his outpatient treatment, was that he never stopped using! He continued to drink, but I thought it was just a social thing and I assumed his problem had been coke, not alcohol, so saw nothing wrong with this. DUMB!! He never stopped. He used coke the entire relationship....I didn't know this person as anything other than an addict!

He was a highly functioning addict and has held down the same great job for 7 years....he would come home late occasionally and I could tell he'd been drinking, but foolishly never suspected the drugs! 6 months ago he came clean about everything! Told me he'd never quit, etc. He has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on coke (now i know why we never had any extra $$$). Of course, we have children together and everything got real complicated. He went to an inpatient rehab immediately for 3 months and got his #$% together. Begging and pleading with me not to leave him the whole time. Because he chose to come out of the blue and tell me all of this with tears streaming down his face, begging me for help, and willing to do anything it took, I stayed. I am glad I did. I realized that he didnt have to tell me anything. He clearly could have gone right on living with the deception, spending the money, covering his tracks, and OBVIOUSLY I never would have necessarily caught on! Duh! He said he hated himself for being a POS liar and wanted to change his life. He has done just that so far and I am working on ME in the process.

I do believe there can be life after addiction, although I remain "guarded" to an extent and probably will for a while. The key is, knowing this is HIS disease and not mine. Mine is codependency and it is beyond freeing to finally realize that and get a grip on myself! Hang in there and most of all, know that you are not alone!

coffeedrinker

so, this sounds maybe rotten and cynical, but:

you only have one life. it's short. your daughter as well, plus the fact that she is an innocent - didn't choose her parents.

there are so many paths to happiness, and living with an addict is rarely one of them.

why do you set yourself up like this? that is truly the million dollar question. seriously. you need to figure that out, and it's probably not going to be super easy.

i had an untrustworthy mom, and a hard-working co-dependent dad. but my dad was emotionally distant from me. did i choose men to be in relationship with, that were emotionally detached? you bet. every single time, and was oblivious to the pattern until WELL into adulthood. now that i'm much healthier, i choose people who are higher functioning. does this make sense?

when you set the bar higher, you find the people you are in relationships with - whether they be family, co-workers, friends, magically rise to those levels.
it's really true.

wanttobehappy

thank you coffeedrinker, that makes sense. I dont want her to grow up to think this is normal. From my childhood, i didnt have alcoholic parents, but my mother was very unloving and distant, she didnt really want a child, and my dad feared for my upbringing by her. so he gave up work to raise me. but he had severe depression and many nervous breakdowns. despite his problems, he was an amazing dad and i loved him dearly - he passed ten years ago at sixty years old i was 23. Even though he was a great dad, it upset me to see him when he was ill, and awful seeing my parents fight. i always said although i loved my dad, i wouldnt want to be with someone like that, because at those times when he was ill, it was very distressing, and seeing my parents stay together for me but not get on, was horrible. i also said i wouldnt put my child through that. Now here i am, a little bit of a different situation, but disfunctional. I had a few long term relationships with nice guys, and messed it up, walked away at the first sign of a problem, to end up settling down with somebody and having a destructive dysfunctional life!!!