I really left...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
I really left...
He was at a softball game. I packed everything and left. What did I do to deserve this? I'm a generally good person I think. I treat others the way I wold want them to treat me and I do what I can for those in need of my help. So why is it always me that gets screwed? Why? What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way? Stood by his side when he needed me? Stood by his side again when he needed me? Protected him as much as I could. And I get this? I can't take it anymore. I feel worthless and alone. I'm never going to be more important than alcohol, or his friends, or his ex for that matter. What good am I? 
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
You're too good for him. If you have a habit of choosing badly...if your picker is broke, then maybe you should get some counseling. Some of us naturally gravitate toward those who we think need us and it makes us feel important to be needed. Unfortunately, we cannot fix another person. They have to do that themselves and some of them never do.
You will be okay. Give yourself time to grieve the fantasy. In time, you will realize how unhappy you really were with him, and will be thankful that you got out when you did. Take care of yourself.
You will be okay. Give yourself time to grieve the fantasy. In time, you will realize how unhappy you really were with him, and will be thankful that you got out when you did. Take care of yourself.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Oh, sweetheart. You got tangled in the web of an A. It happens. The way you held on was exactly what he wanted from you, but now you're free. You can work on yourself and try to get answers to the Why. There is a reason we are all codependent when we fall for someone who isn't good for us. You are a perfectly good person, and you deserve someone who will be good to you. Step away from the dating scene and focus on your own recovery. Give recovery 100% and in time, you'll be ready to go out and find someone who is worthy of you. This guy totally wasn't. All is not lost.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
(((((((kate)))))))
One minute at a time. None of those things you are saying about yourself is true.
This is voice of someone who has been devastated by an alcoholic.
I know this voice, you will heal, you will feel good again, it takes time.
Right now is a time to feel your feelings but do not act.
Please keep posting. Katie xo
One minute at a time. None of those things you are saying about yourself is true.
This is voice of someone who has been devastated by an alcoholic.
I know this voice, you will heal, you will feel good again, it takes time.
Right now is a time to feel your feelings but do not act.
Please keep posting. Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
You will heal and move on, hopefully have learned invaluable lessons and will see any signs in the next relationship and choose a healthier partner.
He has a disease. It's not personal, it not about you. It's a monster. You will have a good life, he will struggle most likely for the rest of his life - at least until he finds a recovery that helps. My heart goes out to families but certainly also the addict. It's a hell of a life.
He has a disease. It's not personal, it not about you. It's a monster. You will have a good life, he will struggle most likely for the rest of his life - at least until he finds a recovery that helps. My heart goes out to families but certainly also the addict. It's a hell of a life.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
(((((((kate)))))))
One minute at a time. None of those things you are saying about yourself is true.
This is the voice of someone who has been devastated by an alcoholic.
I know this voice, you will heal, you will feel good again, it takes time.
Right now is a time to feel your feelings but do not act.
Please keep posting. Katie xo
One minute at a time. None of those things you are saying about yourself is true.
This is the voice of someone who has been devastated by an alcoholic.
I know this voice, you will heal, you will feel good again, it takes time.
Right now is a time to feel your feelings but do not act.
Please keep posting. Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
I am feeling the same, Katie. But at least we are STILL good people. And I cannot say that for my STBXAH! He texts me saying horrible things to MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY! I don't know how he sleeps at night. We cannot fix them, and could never be enough for them to change. That is what hurts 
But I am a prize. Now I can start loving ME and be that self serving, independent and NOT self pitying woman that I can be. How sexy is she?! Maybe you wanna do the same!
But I am a prize. Now I can start loving ME and be that self serving, independent and NOT self pitying woman that I can be. How sexy is she?! Maybe you wanna do the same!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I've felt like that too many times to count...and each time I went back after awhile for more of the same.
Just not this last time...yet...maybe never.
So what will make this time different from any other?
Nothing changes if nothing changes...
I am demanding respect. Until the madness is acknowledged, until the game changes, until my feelings are acknowledged, until there is equality...wait, maybe "until" should change to "unless", because "until" may never come.
So what do I do with myself now that we are separated again?
This might be the question you are asking yourself. Well don't let the panic set in. Take a deep breath and remember the only thing that needs taken care of immediately--this second--is if you see a small child running in front of a car. Everything else can wait to be resolved. That includes your feelings. You aren't going to have all the answers to your grief immediately...those answers are not like children running in front of cars...those answers don't come to you that quickly...and guess what...that is ok!
Give yourself time to piece your life together again, and to make yourself whole again. Don't be too demanding on yourself.
One of my biggest problems has been impatience with understanding myself.
It gets better if you are patient with understanding yourself. Give a gift to yourself---the patience to gain the understanding you need. Each day you take one day at a time, you will see yourself grow stronger.
Just not this last time...yet...maybe never.
So what will make this time different from any other?
Nothing changes if nothing changes...
I am demanding respect. Until the madness is acknowledged, until the game changes, until my feelings are acknowledged, until there is equality...wait, maybe "until" should change to "unless", because "until" may never come.
So what do I do with myself now that we are separated again?
This might be the question you are asking yourself. Well don't let the panic set in. Take a deep breath and remember the only thing that needs taken care of immediately--this second--is if you see a small child running in front of a car. Everything else can wait to be resolved. That includes your feelings. You aren't going to have all the answers to your grief immediately...those answers are not like children running in front of cars...those answers don't come to you that quickly...and guess what...that is ok!
Give yourself time to piece your life together again, and to make yourself whole again. Don't be too demanding on yourself.
One of my biggest problems has been impatience with understanding myself.
It gets better if you are patient with understanding yourself. Give a gift to yourself---the patience to gain the understanding you need. Each day you take one day at a time, you will see yourself grow stronger.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by Kate5858
... What did I do to deserve this? I'm a generally good person I think. I treat others the way I wold want them to treat me and I do what I can for those in need of my help. So why is it always me that gets screwed? Why? What the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way? Stood by his side when he needed me? Stood by his side again when he needed me? Protected him as much as I could. And I get this? I can't take it anymore. I feel worthless and alone. ... What good am I?
Originally Posted by Kate5858
I can't do this. All I do is cry. My heart is in a million pieces. Im so depressed. I feel like my life isn't even worth anything.
This too does pass though, dampening in intensity and frequency as time goes by. Going to Al-Anon will hasten that process immensely! All that will be left eventually is an occasionally itchy scar.
The rest of you IS worth MUCH more than that scar.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I've been where you are. You have to believe in yourself. It does hurt like hell but it won't always be that way. Post here, see friends or loved ones...don't give in to the belief you are nothing. Be proud of yourself for having enough self respect to make a change. Day by day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 41
Bless you Kate....you will be fine!
I got a police order to remove my AH on Monday and I cried buckets...all night long, had no sleep, dropped the boys off at school came home and did the same again. I cried all Tuesday night until I heard the birds chirping...then fell asleep...dropped the boys off at school Wednesday...took a train to go to the courts to get a VRO and guess what I cried on the train, while walking to the court, while in the court and round the shops and again back home. But I would rather be doing this than crying out of frustration and going through the sheer worry and panics when my AH would leave the house in a rage and say he would rather be dead and then not know if he was alive or dead or when he would come back home. It will get easier....this is your new routine and it takes a while to get used to it!
Today I have not cried....I have laughed and I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow and listening to the birds!
Its like when I started yoga...I was told at first it would be hard to get into the positions and with time and practice I would get there...your body wants to do this and will adapt!
I got a police order to remove my AH on Monday and I cried buckets...all night long, had no sleep, dropped the boys off at school came home and did the same again. I cried all Tuesday night until I heard the birds chirping...then fell asleep...dropped the boys off at school Wednesday...took a train to go to the courts to get a VRO and guess what I cried on the train, while walking to the court, while in the court and round the shops and again back home. But I would rather be doing this than crying out of frustration and going through the sheer worry and panics when my AH would leave the house in a rage and say he would rather be dead and then not know if he was alive or dead or when he would come back home. It will get easier....this is your new routine and it takes a while to get used to it!
Today I have not cried....I have laughed and I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow and listening to the birds!
Its like when I started yoga...I was told at first it would be hard to get into the positions and with time and practice I would get there...your body wants to do this and will adapt!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Kate5858
I can't do this. All I do is cry. My heart is in a million pieces. Im so depressed. I feel like my life isn't even worth anything.
At the risk of sounding harsh, why in the world would you allow anyone to make you feel this way about yourself? You got hooked to an alcoholic, went on the crazy train ride of addictions and codependency, mustered the amazing courage to pack your crap and leave, and now your life isn't worth anything?!
Sheesh - what a moment of PRIDE for you, and instead you think your life is not worth living?
Well...all I can say is you go girl! So inspiring to many here! I hope you allow yourself some time to grieve, but not allow this to wreck you any further. Honey, it is so not worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
We don't always get what we deserve.
Sometimes, we get a whole lot of SH*T for no particular reason at all.
Cry until you're done crying. Then remember that NOBODY ELSE defines your worth or value. The people who treat you badly? Don't deserve your company. There ARE good people in the world. The trick is finding them -- especially when you've been smacked around (emotionally or otherwise) by an addict. As Suki said, you tend to not choose wisely. I've been there (dated 2 addicts, married a third). I was able to unlearn and go on to be the happiest I've ever been -- and I'm almost 50.
Chin up, my friend. You have a lifetime of good ahead of you. And there will come a time when you think of your ex and think, "Thank GOD I didn't get stuck with him! What was I thinking???" Trust me -- you will.
Sometimes, we get a whole lot of SH*T for no particular reason at all.
Cry until you're done crying. Then remember that NOBODY ELSE defines your worth or value. The people who treat you badly? Don't deserve your company. There ARE good people in the world. The trick is finding them -- especially when you've been smacked around (emotionally or otherwise) by an addict. As Suki said, you tend to not choose wisely. I've been there (dated 2 addicts, married a third). I was able to unlearn and go on to be the happiest I've ever been -- and I'm almost 50.
Chin up, my friend. You have a lifetime of good ahead of you. And there will come a time when you think of your ex and think, "Thank GOD I didn't get stuck with him! What was I thinking???" Trust me -- you will.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Oh, I know how you feel...
There was nothing in his life more important than going out with the friends and getting drunk. He was on a first name basis with every bartender in town. He would drink with the friends and then be angry at me the next day after being hungover.
There is nothing wrong with you.... you deserve something better
And you will feel better soon, I promise!
There was nothing in his life more important than going out with the friends and getting drunk. He was on a first name basis with every bartender in town. He would drink with the friends and then be angry at me the next day after being hungover.
There is nothing wrong with you.... you deserve something better
And you will feel better soon, I promise!
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