Help Catch 22
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Help Catch 22
Hi, I'm new to this board. My brother has been an alcoholic since he was 14. He is now 62. He is divorced and alienated (because of his drinking) from his two grown children.
Last December, my brother was found bed bound in his own excrement. He had been drinking a 26 oz. bottle of vodka a day. He was rushed to the hospital where he spent 5 weeks. He went through detox and had his liver drained of fluid 3 times. He sustained permanent nerve damage to his lower legs and now has kidney failure. While he was in the hospital his son and daughter were very supportive of his sobriety and visited him often. His son moved my brother from his apartment to a condo to a city close to where we live. His doctors told him he would die if he ever started drinking again, and he vowed that his drinking days were over. He was enjoyable to be around, and had started to rebuild his relationship with his children.
Then, we all discovered on our own that he had started drinking again. He denied it when confronted, but I arrived early one day to take him to the doctor and there was a half full bottle of vodka right where he was sitting. It turns out he started drinking when his friend, also a long time alcoholic, came to visit him and brought booze with her. Just last week, I found him bed bound again and very ill. I took him to the doctor where he admitted to her that he had started drinking again. His son and daughter won't have anything to do with him, so the doctor says it is up to me to check on him to make sure he's still breathing. I had a long talk with my brother and he admitted that his friend is a trigger for him. He told me he told her to stay away until they were both sober for at least 6 months. I contacted his daughter to tell her what was going on and she sent her dad's friend a heartfelt plea to stay away because she was a trigger and that her dad would die if he continued to drink. My brother told me he had stopped drinking once and for all and wasn't seeing this friend anymore. Well, what a fool I was for believing him, it was a lie. He spent all day Sunday with this so-called friend and I just got off the phone from him and he was drunk. I tried to reason with him that she was not a friend because she knows that if he drinks he will die. I'm at my wits end. I can't just walk away from this because he lives alone and will drink himself to death. Any advice would be most welcome. Thanks
Last December, my brother was found bed bound in his own excrement. He had been drinking a 26 oz. bottle of vodka a day. He was rushed to the hospital where he spent 5 weeks. He went through detox and had his liver drained of fluid 3 times. He sustained permanent nerve damage to his lower legs and now has kidney failure. While he was in the hospital his son and daughter were very supportive of his sobriety and visited him often. His son moved my brother from his apartment to a condo to a city close to where we live. His doctors told him he would die if he ever started drinking again, and he vowed that his drinking days were over. He was enjoyable to be around, and had started to rebuild his relationship with his children.
Then, we all discovered on our own that he had started drinking again. He denied it when confronted, but I arrived early one day to take him to the doctor and there was a half full bottle of vodka right where he was sitting. It turns out he started drinking when his friend, also a long time alcoholic, came to visit him and brought booze with her. Just last week, I found him bed bound again and very ill. I took him to the doctor where he admitted to her that he had started drinking again. His son and daughter won't have anything to do with him, so the doctor says it is up to me to check on him to make sure he's still breathing. I had a long talk with my brother and he admitted that his friend is a trigger for him. He told me he told her to stay away until they were both sober for at least 6 months. I contacted his daughter to tell her what was going on and she sent her dad's friend a heartfelt plea to stay away because she was a trigger and that her dad would die if he continued to drink. My brother told me he had stopped drinking once and for all and wasn't seeing this friend anymore. Well, what a fool I was for believing him, it was a lie. He spent all day Sunday with this so-called friend and I just got off the phone from him and he was drunk. I tried to reason with him that she was not a friend because she knows that if he drinks he will die. I'm at my wits end. I can't just walk away from this because he lives alone and will drink himself to death. Any advice would be most welcome. Thanks
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It's sounds like a terrible situation.
Are you involved in al anon???
Please get educated about alcoholism , how it effects the family and how the family enables the A by continuing to rescue them.
There are stickies at the top of the this forum page, they are must read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
We are here. Keep us posted. Katie
Are you involved in al anon???
Please get educated about alcoholism , how it effects the family and how the family enables the A by continuing to rescue them.
There are stickies at the top of the this forum page, they are must read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
We are here. Keep us posted. Katie
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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How sad and tragic. My sympathies are with you.
Do what you can to keep him from sleeping in excrement again. Visit. If you arrive and find him drunk, cold, passed out, with vomit on the floor and a half-empty booze bottle by his side, check his breathing, hold his hand and put a blanket on him. That's it. Detachment with love.
It's what we have to do for us & the most we can helpfully do for them.
Do what you can to keep him from sleeping in excrement again. Visit. If you arrive and find him drunk, cold, passed out, with vomit on the floor and a half-empty booze bottle by his side, check his breathing, hold his hand and put a blanket on him. That's it. Detachment with love.
It's what we have to do for us & the most we can helpfully do for them.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
This is horrible, but he's doing it because he wants to. No one is making him. He's using that as a way to deflect responsibility off of himself and onto someone else. The "detach with love" advice was spot on. There's nothing else you can do. If he's bent on drinking himself to death, you can't stop him. My heart aches for you. Please get to Al-Anon and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thank you all for your replies. What makes everything especially hard is that he was completely sober from December to about May. He became such a delightful, intelligent and humorous person. His children and me learned to love his soul when the alcohol was not there. I want to rescue not the drunk, but the person, we have so recently found and now lost. We feel that the catalyst to his return to drink was this "friend." My brother's daughter had sent a plea to her to keep away, and that seemed to spur the "friend" to do the opposite.....yes, I must read about alcoholics to figure that out--right now it seems like she is just a self-centered evil person who only cares about herself. I'm not ready to give up on my brother just yet...afterall, I just found him.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
This is horrible, but he's doing it because he wants to. No one is making him. He's using that as a way to deflect responsibility off of himself and onto someone else. The "detach with love" advice was spot on. There's nothing else you can do. If he's bent on drinking himself to death, you can't stop him. My heart aches for you. Please get to Al-Anon and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Originally Posted by llastchance8
As an alcoholic myself, I do know that he is doing it , not because he wants to do it. He is doing it because , he is sick.
Society needs to understand that fact. The true horror of this disease is that no cure has been found. Heartbreaking.
He needs treatment. IF the family can encourage that - it can give him an avenue to help himself. Sometimes, there is so much brain damage that they cannot stop. Sending hope for this family!
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Aa
Originally Posted by llastchance8
As an alcoholic myself, I do know that he is doing it , not because he wants to do it. He is doing it because , he is sick. Like Cancer or any other decease , alcoholism is a illness. That does not mean, the family of alcoholic should impart sympathy and enable him to drink more. Trying to stop his friend to see him, will not solve the problem. With or without friend, he will drink with any reason, the way we all alcoholics do. As he has been through detox earlier, he needs a support program like AA, AVRT, Smart Recovery lifering or anything. Without insisting much, you may try to create a situation where he comes across these kind of support program and might get interested. Wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Originally Posted by Emily123
Thank you all for your replies. What makes everything especially hard is that he was completely sober from December to about May. He became such a delightful, intelligent and humorous person. His children and me learned to love his soul when the alcohol was not there. I want to rescue not the drunk, but the person, we have so recently found and now lost. We feel that the catalyst to his return to drink was this "friend." My brother's daughter had sent a plea to her to keep away, and that seemed to spur the "friend" to do the opposite.....yes, I must read about alcoholics to figure that out--right now it seems like she is just a self-centered evil person who only cares about herself. I'm not ready to give up on my brother just yet...afterall, I just found him.
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Thank you all--I'm learning. He just phoned and left a message that he has food poisoning and can't go to the AA meeting, and I know it's a lie. He didn't pick up his phone last night so I was worried, and went over there to find him glued to the phone with this friend. It is disappointing because he really seemed interested and even excited about the meeting earlier in the week. It is hard not to blame the friend because I truly feel he would have at least gone to the meeting if she left him alone. He claims he has fallen in love with her so that makes the situation even more trying. I know her game now though....she actively works on him to alienate his family and then picks a fight and deserts him....that's when he goes to a bottle of vodka a day and makes himself super ill. His body cannot handle it anymore. So, I'm just going to do what you all have advised and just check on him, and stand back. I'm wondering I should attend the meeting by myself? It is open so think it's ok, don't know for sure though. Ah well, it's at a restaurant, I can always just go and treat myself to breakfast.
To thine own self be true.
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AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is for those affected by the alcoholic. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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I am so sorry for your predicament. It is so painful to love an alcoholic. The only advice I can offer is to pray for him and yourself (for strength and health and detachment) and take really good care of yourself.
It is too bad the doctor put the onus on you - there is really nothing you can do. No amount of love will help someone Hell-bent on self-destruction.
I pray that you will find peace, somehow. It does seem like meetings would be a lifeline for you at this point.
It is too bad the doctor put the onus on you - there is really nothing you can do. No amount of love will help someone Hell-bent on self-destruction.
I pray that you will find peace, somehow. It does seem like meetings would be a lifeline for you at this point.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Emily123,
Has your brother considered going into residential treatment? It would solve the "friend" problem and insure abstinence until he gets a grip on sobriety again.
The problem is not getting sober it is staying sober and that happens when the A is dedicated to real recovery and an actual program dedicated to that end. Your brother isn't there yet... hopefully something will change... but the only person that can change the outcome is your brother.
Have you tracked down an alanon meeting yet? These groups are a BIG lifeline and help when going through the tough times you are experiencing.
Has your brother considered going into residential treatment? It would solve the "friend" problem and insure abstinence until he gets a grip on sobriety again.
The problem is not getting sober it is staying sober and that happens when the A is dedicated to real recovery and an actual program dedicated to that end. Your brother isn't there yet... hopefully something will change... but the only person that can change the outcome is your brother.
Have you tracked down an alanon meeting yet? These groups are a BIG lifeline and help when going through the tough times you are experiencing.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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@Hopeworks
My brother refuses to go to a rehab center. He did attend a 30 day treatment center about 10 years ago. When I took him to his doctor last week, she said he has to go to the hospital but it could be at least two weeks to find one who will take him. She said if he won't go willingly, he will be taken forcibly?? Don't know about that but he could be a danger to the others in his condo complex. He can get quite crazy when he's heavily drunk (ie in his old apartment, his neighbour found him many times totally naked in the hallway and locked out of his apartment. The police have even been called on him once but they just put him to bed to sleep it off. There are young children living in the next unit where he is now, and that can't be a good situation. At the very least, he might get evicted and he will not have anywhere to go. I will not have him here.
I ended up going to the AA meeting myself today, and everyone was very welcoming but they also strongly urged me to go to Al-Anon. I will consider going because I'm starting to realize that I'm more stressed and upset about my brother than I initially thought. A lady at the meeting today said she thinks he might be too far gone for AA meetings. I sure hope not, but will just have to accept it if it is.
My brother refuses to go to a rehab center. He did attend a 30 day treatment center about 10 years ago. When I took him to his doctor last week, she said he has to go to the hospital but it could be at least two weeks to find one who will take him. She said if he won't go willingly, he will be taken forcibly?? Don't know about that but he could be a danger to the others in his condo complex. He can get quite crazy when he's heavily drunk (ie in his old apartment, his neighbour found him many times totally naked in the hallway and locked out of his apartment. The police have even been called on him once but they just put him to bed to sleep it off. There are young children living in the next unit where he is now, and that can't be a good situation. At the very least, he might get evicted and he will not have anywhere to go. I will not have him here.
I ended up going to the AA meeting myself today, and everyone was very welcoming but they also strongly urged me to go to Al-Anon. I will consider going because I'm starting to realize that I'm more stressed and upset about my brother than I initially thought. A lady at the meeting today said she thinks he might be too far gone for AA meetings. I sure hope not, but will just have to accept it if it is.
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Emily, so sorry for your situation, and I imagine you are super worried about your brother right now. I am glad you went to the AA meeting. I went to quite a few myself and they were very insightful.
I know it is hard but detachment is so necessary here. It's not about giving up on someone. It's about giving them the respect and dignity to make their own life choices, even when we KNOW those choices are poor. When I first came here and to Al-Anon, I was horrified at this concept, and it took me a long time to wrap my head around what it meant and what that looked like.
I have a dear friend who is an alcoholic. I've watched her sink lower and lower, and it is the hardest thing to do for someone you care about to stand aside. But it is her life, not mine. So I am available when she reaches out for contact. I have helped her out on occasion but only with things that I feel comfortable doing. That's detachment. I don't tell her what to do nor do I try to fix her problems. That's detachment.
However, I do tell her how much I believe in her, which is true. The woman I knew is strong and fearless. The woman today is in the throes of addiction, but I believe that same woman I knew is in there somewhere!
If your life is becoming unmanageable trying to save your brother from alcoholism, time to detach. You can still love, hope, and support without becoming enmeshed with him.
Good luck to you.
~T
I know it is hard but detachment is so necessary here. It's not about giving up on someone. It's about giving them the respect and dignity to make their own life choices, even when we KNOW those choices are poor. When I first came here and to Al-Anon, I was horrified at this concept, and it took me a long time to wrap my head around what it meant and what that looked like.
I have a dear friend who is an alcoholic. I've watched her sink lower and lower, and it is the hardest thing to do for someone you care about to stand aside. But it is her life, not mine. So I am available when she reaches out for contact. I have helped her out on occasion but only with things that I feel comfortable doing. That's detachment. I don't tell her what to do nor do I try to fix her problems. That's detachment.
However, I do tell her how much I believe in her, which is true. The woman I knew is strong and fearless. The woman today is in the throes of addiction, but I believe that same woman I knew is in there somewhere!
If your life is becoming unmanageable trying to save your brother from alcoholism, time to detach. You can still love, hope, and support without becoming enmeshed with him.
Good luck to you.
~T
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