trublnshangrila

I fell in love with a beautiful alcoholic man last summer, free-spirited, loving, and giving. I took it slow getting to know him but it was difficult; he was independent and distant with many walls. I know this sounds ridiculous but I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame and when he said he "wanted to settle down," I was thrilled. He told me he had no girlfriends, no ties.
I waited months for him to return to my area for work and when he did, I paid him a visit and he greeted me with enthusiastic hugs and romantic kisses. Drunk, as he almost always was.
Suddenly, the story became he was "hooking up" with two VERY young girls, one an alcoholic like him, another recently divorced with bipolar disorder whom he described as "crazy." I was especially hurt & humiliated because he had not had the "ability," ahem, to have sex with me!
I don' t know if he was trying to sign me up as another harem member, but I made it clear I would not have sex with him if he was sleeping with other women. The "settling down" now became "I'm a nomad and probably not going to get married."
Since that conversation, I've been dust. The last time I saw him, he actually said, "I don't give a sh*t if I see you or not, we're not dating." He's so much worse, drinking at least 12 beers a night until he passes out, mean, isolating.

I have very little experience with alcoholism. This man knows I love him. Can someone please tell me how I deal with the heartbreak?

suki44883

You cry, punch pillows and do whatever you need to in order to get the grief out. Then, you go on with your life. You don't see it now, but he has actually done you a huge favor. He is not relationship material and he has told you how he feels. Believe him.

You will get over this.

trublnshangrila

I so wish he had told me this from the very beginning and cut the b.s. about settling down. I set myself up big time for a fall and feel completely foolish.

suki44883

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you aren't the only one this has happened to. Some went through it for years, so consider yourself lucky. We have all had to learn our lessons, but now that you know that he is a liar and a manipulator in addition to being an addict, maybe you'll not feel so bad. You deserve better, hon.

candi7

Maybe he's a narcissist.. look that word up and consider it. They will hook/bait and discard men/women like trash! They are commitment phobic! They will bait/hook women/men with what the women/men want to hear to get what they want-Narcissist Supply.. There is primary and secondary supply.. They will have sex, but their is absolutely no intimacy-no touchy feely moments..it's just a mechanical thing.. it means nothing to them but to get off.. women/men are just objects. Sweetheart-the spouse, S.O., girlfriend/boyfriend-gets treated the worse in the matter-SO BE HAPPY! They will beat you down mentally, physically and emotionally-till theres not much-and if you stay-they may have a nice moment-and tear you down some more... And Cheat on you on a regular basis! And turn you down for sex all the time and withhold things that you hold dear-maybe a hug, touch, kiss, dates, gifts (HA and give it to the sluts)... Sorry, I don't think you want that -do you?.. If he's a true Narc- you need to cut all contact.. If he's not one-sorry for the long rant...

ZiggyB

I know this doesn't sound very helpful, but count your blessings that he doesn't want to see you anymore.

who knows why he said all that stuff in the beginning, like others said people will try to deceive you in order to get what it is they want. He is not emotionally available to anyone and you deserve something better than this cr*p.

trublnshangrila

Thank you for taking time to comfort me. I am no contact (besides a setback when he showed up at the bar I go to one night a week, wth?) but I struggle almost daily with staying away from him. I remember all the hurtful things he has said & done and try to love myself despite his efforts to damage my self-esteem

trublnshangrila

Candi7, I do believe he preyed on my naivete similar to his preying on those unhealthy young girls whom he says accept his terms, his lack of commitment, travelling and basically doing whatever he damn well pleases...

dandylion

Dear trub, have you thought of going to alanon to learn how this happened---and how to spot it/avoid it in the future? It will also give you something very productive to do during your grieving time.

What have you got to lose?

dandylion

sweetteewalls

Candi7! That was a great description of my AH! =) Comforting to know I'm not so "crazy" after all???

Tuffgirl

I felt foolish for a long time, especially since I had two kids watching my drama unfold.

But you know what? Like me, you made decisions based on the information you had at the time. Now you have more information. It wasn't your fault for believing in someone. But he proved himself unworthy, so let go of the idea of heartbreak and be grateful you didn't marry the guy and have a couple kids. Phew - bullet dodged.

Now go life your life - its going to be great, I promise!

candi7

You are a smart woman! Keep up the good work!

trublnshangrila

Yes, I've thought about alanon but do I really qualify? it's not as if we had a "real" relationship...I keep thinking people are going to look at me like, "huh?"
That being said, I realize a healthy person would probably not have been attracted to, let alone pursued him! Am I right?

candi7

In Alcoholics Anonymous.. they say.. Some are sicker than others-These men are sickest I think!

candi7

Yep, All about the control over the weak! They are soo commitment phobic and always doing their thing!

ZiggyB

The last day I saw my ex we had a big argument and I confronted him about his drinking, I started to cry and he screamed at me "stop crying, you stupid b*tch" and then he threw my stuff around, got me into the car and proceeded to scream at me for another few miles until I was able to get out. Dealing with his rage was by far one of the worst experiences of my life. So believe me, I understand about the hurtful things trying and recover your self esteem. This was two months ago and thinking about it still upsets me, I'm just trying to forget about him and focus on myself.

outtolunch

Me aagin.

Here to apologize for my attempt to inject humor was insensitive and may have offended some of you. What was I thinking?

My point was and remains that it is impossible to know this guy's true history beyond that he is not the kind of guy worthy of your time.

Clarity4us

Here is a FB page about dealing with Narcissitic men. It is something every woman should learn in the dating world. Check it out- there is a book and website as well. Great helpful information!
I can't post the link because I'm so new here.

But it is called Surviving a Narcissist by Lisa E. Scott

Google it- you can find it there.

Titanic

Thanks for the tips! I'll have to refine my "lines!"

NYCDoglvr

Learn to run away from alcoholics who will take you down with them. The disease is progressive. Stop and think that perhaps you deserve someone without these monumental problem, which you can never fix.