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Ways of thinking

Old 09-12-2012, 02:06 PM
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Ways of thinking

I have been thinking for a while about why I carried on drinking when I genuinely wanted to stop... Now I am sober and take action to make sure I stay that way I just can't think (other than the usual 'moderation' insanity!) why I didn't do something earlier. But when I was doing some CBT worksheets with my counsellor it all started to make sense...

I thought I'd post this here if anyone else could relate to the following ways of thinking which tend to keep us caught in the drinking cycle. I could only think of a few examples of times when I'd used these excuses, but I keep thinking of more every day and I wish I'd had something like this when I was still actively drinking...

• “But… everybody was doing it.”
Rationalisation is what we do when we try to excuse ourselves from full responsibility for our actions. We think of explanations that seem to fit or that seem to logically explain our decisions or behaviours. We look at the outcome of our actions or at a conclusion we have reached, then we pull evidence out of the air that we think will explain everything while allowing us to “look good” in the eyes of others. We often use rationalisation as an attempt to justify our bad behaviour.

• “It was Fred’s idea…”
Blaming begins with an error in how we think about things that happen in the world and things that happen involving other people. We try to convince ourselves that all bad events are caused by somebody or that somebody intentionally set out to cause the bad event that has caused us a problem. This makes us want to point the finger instead of finding a solution. By blaming someone else, we don’t have to consider our own actions or responsibility. Let’s face it, blaming others often is a backhanded way of trying to excuse our own behaviour.

• “I just don’t understand…”
Confusion – when we don’t want to face a situation, we may think that if we appear puzzled and confused to others, they will let us off the hook. For example, we may say we just don’t understand the question or an assignment, then not pay attention when someone tries to help us out. This way of thinking allows us to pretend to be confused about assignments, rules, requirements, expectations or facts. If we are confused, then we think we can avoid meeting our obligations or taking responsibility for ourselves. We may also use confusion when we want to avoid taking full responsibility for things we did in the past. For example, someone claims to not remember or to be confused about how drugs came to be in their possession.

• “He did that just to **** me off…”
Assuming – making assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, or motives is a way of thinking that allows us to justify our resentments, insecurities, and paranoia. Rather than checking out the facts by asking others about their feelings or intentions, we go with our own assumptions, which are usually negative and blaming. The payoff is that we can righteously overreact or behave badly without being bothered by the truth of a situation. We use assumptions to justify our behaviour and to avoid taking responsibility for jumping to conclusions.

• “It was just one drink…”
Minimising can be summarised as “trying to make a molehill out of a mountain.”
When we minimise, we attempt to make others believe that what was, in fact, a pretty big screw-up was really no big deal. Usually, the words “just” and “only” will be part of our attempts to minimise our actions. When we minimise, we are usually attempting to avoid or reduce the consequences of our behaviour. The payoff is that if we believe our own minimising, then we don’t have to feel remorse or make amends for our actions.

• “I should be given another chance…”
Entitlement allows us to feel that we are somehow “better than” or more deserving of special treatment than someone else. In other words, we allow ourselves to believe that the rules just don’t apply to us because we are unique and therefore entitled to special consideration. We may further believe that everything should be made easy for us and we should not have to make any effort toward our goals. Most of all, when our thinking involves entitlement, we believe that we should not have to pay the consequences for
our mistakes, poor decisions, or lack of effort.

• “I was completely sober…”
Lying is the one way of thinking that doesn’t require a lot of definition for most of us – we all know what lying is. We use lying to distort the truth or to confuse or make fools of other people. Sometimes we lie because we fear the consequences of the truth. A lie of commission is when we make up a falsehood on purpose – a regular old lie. A lie of omission is when we tell part of the truth, but leave out important details (for example, telling your partner that you attended your drug team appointment, but leaving out the
part that you didn’t actually wait to see your drug worker). Interestingly, many people refuse to believe that this second type of lie really is a form of lying.

• “Poor, poor me…”
Victim stance – sometimes we think we can fool or control others by getting them to feel sorry for us. When we use this way of thinking, we attempt to present ourselves as the true victim of a situation so that others will see us as powerless and not responsible for our own behaviour. The payoff is that if we can trick others into seeing us as some kind of victim of circumstance, we don’t have to be accountable or responsible for our behaviour or choices. In this way, the problems that we usually end up causing for ourselves can be blamed on our past, our family, the system, or on the cruel, hard world.

• “I don’t need this stupid group, I already know this stuff.”
Grandiosity is the belief that we are superior to others, that we should never be questioned or challenged, and that we are right about everything (which means everyone else is wrong). No one can teach us anything because we believe we are smarter, better, more capable, or more “in the know” than other people, even if the facts don’t support it. We think that our lives, experiences, knowledge, needs, problems, concerns, and opinions are the only ones that really matter.

• “That’s an interesting question, but the real issue is…”
Sidetracking is another way to describe this thinking error. We use it to control the conversation, change the subject, and shift the focus away from a topic that makes us uncomfortable. When we use sidetracking, we are trying to distract people from the real issue being discussed. We think that by throwing people off the subject, we can avoid being confronted by the facts of our behaviour. Here’s a classic example: “Why did you start dealing drugs?” Response: “Well, the drug laws are stupid. People in Amsterdam can smoke cannabis whenever they want. This country needs to get real and change its
laws.” See how it works? We are asked an important question that we really should consider and instead of staying focused, we lead the other person on a verbal wild goose chase.

• “This is so boring!”
Boredom is used as a thinking pattern when we want to give ourselves permission to not stay focused, to avoid participation or study, or to avoid taking responsibility for our own learning. It involves the belief that if we label something as “boring”, “stupid” or “lame”, we don’t have to deal with it. Instead, we can complain, whine, act out, waste time, and otherwise try to control the situation, while at the same time hide from issues
and problems we need to address. When we label something as boring, we are actually trying to blame someone else (the teacher, the group leader, the treatment service) for our own resistance to learn something new.
Source: The ITEP Manual: Routes to Recovery Pt. 2. NHS.
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:08 PM
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Kza
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Boredom and victim stance.
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:09 PM
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Guilty.....Good stuff Hypo!
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Old 09-12-2012, 02:35 PM
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Thanks for sharing, I ticked all those boxes!
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Old 09-12-2012, 04:08 PM
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One word sums it all up for me. Delusional
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