dontjudgeme920

Hello,
I am moving out of my apartment I share with my ABF this weekend. I have been making these plans for the last 3 months.

We started dating in the fall of 2007, and at the time, he was 28 and living in his parent's basement. I was 21 and had just moved back in with my parents after college. Since I was fresh out of college, I was still partying and going to bars. Nothing about his drinking really rang any bells to me.

During the first 3 years of our relationship, he lived with his parents and had no plans to move out. In that time, I had a great relationship with his parents. I also got to know his 5 siblings, nieces, nephews, inlaws, and even aunts and uncles. His family seems a lot more close knit than mine, so I always enjoyed their company.

His mother hinted to me on at least 2 occasions that he has a drinking problem, but for some reason, I chose to ignore it/not take it seriously. In those first 3 years, I saw his drinking as him just being a man-child and sowing his wild oats.

We moved together in the fall of 2010. I noticed within a few days that he was not just a party boy that hadnt grown up. He was drinking whole (750 mL) bottles of Jack every single night! I was heartbroken, and I also felt stupid that I turned my head to the signs for so long.

A very long story short, I issued an ultimatum and am carrying it out by leaving him. It has been a very emotional few months but I am ready to move on. I feel like the only thing I didnt "try" was to reach out to his family. Surely, they know he has a drinking problem but we have never discussed it. I never wanted to ruffle any feathers by calling them, but my question is, do I owe it to them to contact them? What would I even say?

If any of you have children who are alcoholics, have you "warned" their significant others? How do you deal with that?

I love this board, and thank you for your help!

MamaKit

Don'tjudge,
Good for you for sticking with your boundaries. Darling, I think his family already knows. And if they are in denial or defensive, it gets you no where. I think your leaving is telling them everything. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck and take care of you.
MamaKit

suki44883

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by reaching out to his family, but they cannot control his drinking any more than you can. It's a pretty sure bet they already know about it anyway.

Take care of yourself and let him figure out his own issues. The guy is over 30 years old, not some 8 year old kid who need his parents to fix his problem, which they cannot do anyway.

SoaringSpirits

If any of you have children who are alcoholics, have you "warned" their significant others? How do you deal with that?

Not my child, but my brother is 50 and a great guy, sadly also an alcoholic. When he started seriously dating a woman, I pulled her aside and told her. Felt an obligation to give her a heads up. She was kind but I could tell she poo-poo'd it. Well, a couple of years later and they live together and..... you guessed it.

I don't think it hurts to reach out and say something, but don't expect to have any effect. If nothing else, you can have some closure by telling his family how much you enjoyed knowing them and that you wish them and him well.

Good for you for getting out.

ZiggyB

I reached out to his best friend and she told me I couldn't control anyone else's drinking... kind of ironic since he was doing a lot of his drinking with her but she was right anyway.

PeacefulMe

It is my experience that the blood relation trumps everything else. I am in process of divorcing AH after 21 years of marriage and was very close to his whole family inclucing his parents and siblings although they are all out of state. Not a single time since our separation have I had any contact from any of them. I did not call them but did send Christmas cards and am now sending birthday cards to his parents. I did get one Christmas card from his mom but none from any of his siblings. I'm sure AH has told them all manner of distorted stories about me or me being to blame blah blah blah so I feel like it could only be uncomfortable to try and maintain a close relationship with them as they will always stick by him due to being family. It hurts after 23 years together to think that one can just be thrown away like that but I saw the same thing when a couple of his siblings divorced. They did not have any contact with the ex-spouse. I think it is fine if you want to send them a birthday card or Christmas card or something like that, give them a little update on your life but don't make the mistake of even trying to discuss the A's 'problems' as they either already know or if they don't they are in denial and it will make you look bad. There is likely nothing to gain by discussing the situation with them. Keep it on a very superficial level and see what their response is................put it in their ballpark.

Learn2Live

Trying to talk to the family has never worked out well for me, no matter how close I was with them. Best to just say your goodbyes, but keep it about you, not about him. If they ask why you're leaving, keep it short and sweet but don't lie or cover up for him. That's my advice.

Lulu39

Mine too Peceful and my situation is almost the same as yours. My STBXAH leaves in a little over 48 hours.

In the past, his mother said that when he was being an asshat drunk to call her and she would talk him down - she has seen him go off at me. I gave up calling her 18 months ago as she is always drunk too. His brother and sister in law said the same as his mother - but they were always too busy when I called for help.

He spent my birthday evening (after he finished abusing me) on the phone to his mommy (who he professes to hate) telling her what a bitch from hell I am and it seems she now agrees with him. I could hear them plotting and planning. She called yesterday morning and hung up when I answered! I called her back and told her that if she makes it a habit to call my home and hang up I will report her as a nuisance caller. I've paid for her brat for the last 23 years. I've worked while he lost jobs and screwed up. I've taken him to hospital, put him into detox, driven him everywhere when he lost his drivers licence, hell when I was pregnant and he lost his licence and lived near my brother, my brother even drove him to and from work at a bar , collected him from work at 1.00am - you know the drill.
But he is her baby. so now he can be her problem, their problem.

I am waiting for the stories about me being a bitch from hell who kicked poor little baby out to start filtering through - I have no family in this town and he does. Should be interesting...

KRA

I reached out to xagf's family, not to keep in touch, but to let them know that I was leaving and that x no longer had me to care for her. I wanted them to know that x had some mental health issues and that if they ever had concerns about x, they could/should call 911 or her pyschiatrist. I also let the next door neighbor know. I wasn't trying to maintain a relationship. I just wanted them to know that x had problems, that I was no longer there to pick up the pieces.

KRA

Your x's family will always choose him over you, no matter what horrible things he does to them. My opinion is that it is going to be very difficult to maintain a relationship wih them.

Cyranoak

***

lizloh

I contacted my MIL only because my STBXAH is a big fat liar and has been drinking and driving. Call it a parting shot, but I do love him and do want him to get help and not have his family (really a good family) to be ignorant to his drinking and driving, all he does is lie to protect his arse like a 5 year old.
What an ass he sounds like, and if his Momma tried to warn you then forget it, they know. Just run.
Your story is VERY similar to mine. Drank often when we met, thought nothing of it. I should add, no license and 2 DUIs (was I blind?!?) I was enarmored. Sweet, funny, handsome as the devil. He will look me in the eye and say the sky is pink. Has little to no respect for me, and is unable to take any responsibility for his actions. Therefore I am the big bad guy!!!! Much luck, girl! You are here, and that is huge! This place makes me feel like I am NOT the crazy one after all
I read this is Psychology Today
Addicts and gamblers are lesser versions of themselves and are unable to tell the hard-truths. It rings so true in my situation, and helps me to look past the man I love and see the addict he proves to me his is time after time.

angelwithhorns

Hello all-

I was reading the threads. I reached out to my xabf's sister to let her know of his problem. I felt comfortable reaching out to her because she was someone he and I were both close to. I very simply text messaged her and told her that I loved her brother very much and that I was concerned for him. I let her know that I felt like he had a drinking problem, I told her she could do with the information what she wanted but for my own closure, I needed to let someone know. She surprisingly text messaged back very remorseful and said that their family had dealt with his drinking problems before and that 'it was not good'. I know none of us can make him get help, but I have a little tiny bit of closure knowing I've done everything I could possibly do to help.