Me/him
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Me/him
When I met him he was a lot of fun.We walked around the city a lot, ate out
a lot. He told me he would go to Australia with me (he never did). He
spoiled me. Told me I deserved good things. Made me feel important.
Then he started to criticize me. Hated the clothes I wore. Insist I threw some shirt or pants out cause he didn't like them. He somehow seemed less and less adventurous. Sometimes when I asked him a question he would say "Are you stupid?". He never used to talk to me that way at the beginning of our relationship. It went downhill so slowly.
Then he went back to using 6 or 7 years into our relationship (He had been clean for 2 years when we met).
He accused me of cheating. Like on the day I had to take our baby to the clinic because of a ear infection...what a long long long day. Yeah, he figured we were out so long cause I met up with someone at a hotel??? Questioned why the baby was so sleepy. Wow! So unbelievable.
After him promising he would quit on and off and not doing it I finally moved out. It's great. Except for not knowing where rent $ is going to come from when my savings run out. I am not working. I want to ease our daughter into childcare and hope to find a job in a few months. I Joined a group of single moms hoping they could help/give advice,maybe even one of the mom can swap a bit of babysitting? I'm Trying to figure everything out. Going to Alanon twice a week (except this week cause I am sick). I'd probably go more but it's the only meetings around that have babysitting available.
I'm scared.
He is talking/making plans for treatment within a month. I hope he gets treated but honestly there is no way I can move back with him right now.
I don't know where I am heading but I cannot go back just cause I don't know what's ahead.
I am mad that he can control me in some ways like stopping me from crossing the border with our daughter to visit friends. I feel like that's so wrong for him to have this power over us. It makes me angry and sad too.I don't have many friends, how can he have the power to stop me from seeing them when all he is doing is using dope?
He used to blame me for his relapse. Told me that he felt so abandoned when our baby was little. Well, maybe he did. So did I. I am refusing to feel responsible for his relapse.
I know i have to see a lawyer but don't feel ready yet.
I'm angry sometimes. I used to just feel overwhelmed but now that I am away from him I feel angry at him for letting me down.
I didn't think I was gonna be doing everything for our daughter by myself. I feel so lucky to have her but it's hard sometimes.
a lot. He told me he would go to Australia with me (he never did). He
spoiled me. Told me I deserved good things. Made me feel important.
Then he started to criticize me. Hated the clothes I wore. Insist I threw some shirt or pants out cause he didn't like them. He somehow seemed less and less adventurous. Sometimes when I asked him a question he would say "Are you stupid?". He never used to talk to me that way at the beginning of our relationship. It went downhill so slowly.
Then he went back to using 6 or 7 years into our relationship (He had been clean for 2 years when we met).
He accused me of cheating. Like on the day I had to take our baby to the clinic because of a ear infection...what a long long long day. Yeah, he figured we were out so long cause I met up with someone at a hotel??? Questioned why the baby was so sleepy. Wow! So unbelievable.
After him promising he would quit on and off and not doing it I finally moved out. It's great. Except for not knowing where rent $ is going to come from when my savings run out. I am not working. I want to ease our daughter into childcare and hope to find a job in a few months. I Joined a group of single moms hoping they could help/give advice,maybe even one of the mom can swap a bit of babysitting? I'm Trying to figure everything out. Going to Alanon twice a week (except this week cause I am sick). I'd probably go more but it's the only meetings around that have babysitting available.
I'm scared.
He is talking/making plans for treatment within a month. I hope he gets treated but honestly there is no way I can move back with him right now.
I don't know where I am heading but I cannot go back just cause I don't know what's ahead.
I am mad that he can control me in some ways like stopping me from crossing the border with our daughter to visit friends. I feel like that's so wrong for him to have this power over us. It makes me angry and sad too.I don't have many friends, how can he have the power to stop me from seeing them when all he is doing is using dope?
He used to blame me for his relapse. Told me that he felt so abandoned when our baby was little. Well, maybe he did. So did I. I am refusing to feel responsible for his relapse.
I know i have to see a lawyer but don't feel ready yet.
I'm angry sometimes. I used to just feel overwhelmed but now that I am away from him I feel angry at him for letting me down.
I didn't think I was gonna be doing everything for our daughter by myself. I feel so lucky to have her but it's hard sometimes.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, February, I'm glad you joined us.
Because he goes to rehab doesn't mean you need to go back with him. If he is doing it solely for that purpose, then it is a futile gesture anyway and just another way to manipulate you.
You don't have to live like that, and you are wise to have found your own life away from his abuse and addiction.
Perhaps see a lawyer about your rights, knowing exactly what you can and cannot do legally will help you. Unless you have a legal agreement or a court order saying you cannot cross the border with your child, then you can.
I grew up on the border of Ontario and Michigan and that's the law there, but check how it is where you are.
Others will be along to welcome you too, and to share their experience strength and hope. You are among friends here, so make yourself comfortable, take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of useful information.
Hugs
Because he goes to rehab doesn't mean you need to go back with him. If he is doing it solely for that purpose, then it is a futile gesture anyway and just another way to manipulate you.
You don't have to live like that, and you are wise to have found your own life away from his abuse and addiction.
Perhaps see a lawyer about your rights, knowing exactly what you can and cannot do legally will help you. Unless you have a legal agreement or a court order saying you cannot cross the border with your child, then you can.
I grew up on the border of Ontario and Michigan and that's the law there, but check how it is where you are.
Others will be along to welcome you too, and to share their experience strength and hope. You are among friends here, so make yourself comfortable, take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of useful information.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am another who thinks it's lawyer time.
I don't know how things work in Canada and can only assume that one can obtain a court order for child support from the bip dad.
There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
It's fairly common for addicts to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own selfish choices. I admire your stance to not take the blame.
I don't know how things work in Canada and can only assume that one can obtain a court order for child support from the bip dad.
There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
It's fairly common for addicts to blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own selfish choices. I admire your stance to not take the blame.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Welcome, February! 
You sound like you're strong and grounded in reality about your situation. It hurts, but you're doing the right things - going to meetings, reclaiming independence from his abuse and addiction, and building a future for you and your daughter.
I agree that it's a good idea to talk to a lawyer. You don't have to do/file anything right away, but just so that you are informed with the truth when he tries to use your daughter to manipulate you.
I also struggled with a lot of hurt and anger about the entire situation surrounding the addicts in my family. I still struggle, but it's much better now that I am learning how to empower myself and getting support both in real life face to face and here online. Stay strong, there's a lot of support and love here. Keep posting, it helps.
You sound like you're strong and grounded in reality about your situation. It hurts, but you're doing the right things - going to meetings, reclaiming independence from his abuse and addiction, and building a future for you and your daughter.
I agree that it's a good idea to talk to a lawyer. You don't have to do/file anything right away, but just so that you are informed with the truth when he tries to use your daughter to manipulate you.
I also struggled with a lot of hurt and anger about the entire situation surrounding the addicts in my family. I still struggle, but it's much better now that I am learning how to empower myself and getting support both in real life face to face and here online. Stay strong, there's a lot of support and love here. Keep posting, it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Ann, to cross the border I need a signed permission letter from her dad. Notarized or not (though they could refuse it if it's not notarized). Some friends suggested I should forge his signature but I am not ready to do that.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
He used to blame me for his relapse. Told me that he felt so abandoned when our baby was little. Well, maybe he did. So did I. I am refusing to feel responsible for his relapse.
ZoSo
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