The anxiety is debilitating!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
The anxiety is debilitating!
I'm wondering what the chances are that he will use again?
I married my old high school boyfriend 2 weeks ago. We had been dating again (after 20 years) for over 2 years. I knew that he had had a run with drugs(crack) and he had been through drug court and rehab many years ago and was very honest about it. He was also pro sobriety, except for an occasional glass of wine. Over the past 2 years I watched him change slowly and cycle through some destructive patterns. He started drinking more, smoking marijuana. He began to change in personality, went from bein sweet and helpful to easily angered, violent and antisocial. He was also hanging out with a friend from his using period. I questioned everything that didn't sound quite right or I would just have a gut feeling. He told so many lies....
To make a long story short, the night we got married I found a crack pipe under his dresser, he said he found it an a friends car and meant to destroy it. I believed him, but later found bakin soda and a steel wool pad unde his car seat, he lied again and said he was tempted but never did it...the I found more evidence that said he had been doin it for sure. He tried to lie again but it didn't work. Since then, he's told me that he will not talk to his old friend anymore and he promises never to use again. He's been workin everyday and paying bills, brings me his timesheet that says when he's clocked in and out and has been his old self again. I'm very anxious that this god spell won't last. Any insight? Am I fooling myself, or letting him fool me again?
I married my old high school boyfriend 2 weeks ago. We had been dating again (after 20 years) for over 2 years. I knew that he had had a run with drugs(crack) and he had been through drug court and rehab many years ago and was very honest about it. He was also pro sobriety, except for an occasional glass of wine. Over the past 2 years I watched him change slowly and cycle through some destructive patterns. He started drinking more, smoking marijuana. He began to change in personality, went from bein sweet and helpful to easily angered, violent and antisocial. He was also hanging out with a friend from his using period. I questioned everything that didn't sound quite right or I would just have a gut feeling. He told so many lies....
To make a long story short, the night we got married I found a crack pipe under his dresser, he said he found it an a friends car and meant to destroy it. I believed him, but later found bakin soda and a steel wool pad unde his car seat, he lied again and said he was tempted but never did it...the I found more evidence that said he had been doin it for sure. He tried to lie again but it didn't work. Since then, he's told me that he will not talk to his old friend anymore and he promises never to use again. He's been workin everyday and paying bills, brings me his timesheet that says when he's clocked in and out and has been his old self again. I'm very anxious that this god spell won't last. Any insight? Am I fooling myself, or letting him fool me again?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I have never been a drug addict, but in my experience nobody in my family has ever been able to just quit using drugs like that, if they could they wouldn't be drug addicts. The nature of drug abuse and addiction is such that one cannot just stop without experiencing symptoms of withdrawal. I would be quite skeptical of anyone who claimed to quit cold turkey without any withdrawal. Like I said, I have no first hand experience with quitting drug use - but I would trust your gut. What is it telling you?
Welcome to the forum, I've found a lot of support here; our situations are all difficult and painful but we are not alone in this!
Welcome to the forum, I've found a lot of support here; our situations are all difficult and painful but we are not alone in this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Gawd. I'm so sorry. I'm going to warn you - I come down hard on this stuff because my ex is a crack addict. And I used to use too. I know about crack. It's evil and you can't control it.
So, he's already lied to you about it. That shows he can't be trusted. And with crack, one hit ALWAYS leads to another until you get some help or end up in jail or worse. Crack addiction is progressive. Addicts think "just one more". It's the nature of the drug.
So I'm not telling you to do this, but personally, I'd get an annulment - but that is because I went through HELL with a crack addict. And I was one myself so I know how addictive it is. That's just where my head is. But to each his own. I just hate to see people go through what I went through.
In the meantime, I suggest you read everything you can on this website about addiction, and crack addiction in particular. I suggest you protect your personal property and finances. Lock up your jewelry. Put some money into a savings account that he does not have access to. Err on the side of caution. CRACK can suck the life out of you and send you into financial ruin faster than you can say "What happened to my debit card?"
I also hope you set some boundaries quick - about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life, and what you are going to do if someone violates your boundaries. Make sure you are willing to follow through on them because otherwise your boundaries are just meaningless threats. And the more you don't enforce them, the more meaningless they become.
So in answer to your question "Is he going to use again?" My magic 8-ball says yes. That's just based on past experience. In answer to your other question "Am I fooling myself or letting him fool me?" well, what you do the next time you suspect he's lying to you or you find a crack pipe in his car will answer that question.
By the way, glad you found this site. Sorry for the situation that brought you here. But that's why we are all here.
So, he's already lied to you about it. That shows he can't be trusted. And with crack, one hit ALWAYS leads to another until you get some help or end up in jail or worse. Crack addiction is progressive. Addicts think "just one more". It's the nature of the drug.
So I'm not telling you to do this, but personally, I'd get an annulment - but that is because I went through HELL with a crack addict. And I was one myself so I know how addictive it is. That's just where my head is. But to each his own. I just hate to see people go through what I went through.
In the meantime, I suggest you read everything you can on this website about addiction, and crack addiction in particular. I suggest you protect your personal property and finances. Lock up your jewelry. Put some money into a savings account that he does not have access to. Err on the side of caution. CRACK can suck the life out of you and send you into financial ruin faster than you can say "What happened to my debit card?"
I also hope you set some boundaries quick - about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life, and what you are going to do if someone violates your boundaries. Make sure you are willing to follow through on them because otherwise your boundaries are just meaningless threats. And the more you don't enforce them, the more meaningless they become.
So in answer to your question "Is he going to use again?" My magic 8-ball says yes. That's just based on past experience. In answer to your other question "Am I fooling myself or letting him fool me?" well, what you do the next time you suspect he's lying to you or you find a crack pipe in his car will answer that question.
By the way, glad you found this site. Sorry for the situation that brought you here. But that's why we are all here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadly, the odds are that this won't end quickly nor will it end well.
What you might want to ponder is how you want to spend the next 5 years of your life, 10 years, 20?
Some do recover, we have some terrific double winners (recovering addicts who are also codependent) but we also have many very sad tales of how the disease of addiction gets progressively worse over time.
Only you can decide what you want for your life. Take a good read around and it may help you, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
What you might want to ponder is how you want to spend the next 5 years of your life, 10 years, 20?
Some do recover, we have some terrific double winners (recovering addicts who are also codependent) but we also have many very sad tales of how the disease of addiction gets progressively worse over time.
Only you can decide what you want for your life. Take a good read around and it may help you, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Married 2 weeks. This should be the best time and here you are, with him and the crack elephant in the room.
first things first- protect your assets:
Joint accounts are risky.
Guard your SS#, checkbook, credit card and pin #s.
Valuables- better to get them out of the house.
Get yourself checked out for STDs.
Maybe hold off on the name change thing...no sense rushing things.
first things first- protect your assets:
Joint accounts are risky.
Guard your SS#, checkbook, credit card and pin #s.
Valuables- better to get them out of the house.
Get yourself checked out for STDs.
Maybe hold off on the name change thing...no sense rushing things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
one of my most helpful reads...
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
your story is so so so familiar...met up with a beautiful man from high school...had not seen him in almost 30 years...dated for two years and I would have married him too, in fact I thought, at one point in the depths of my codependency, that my commitment to him would help him know how lovable he was so that he would quit "relapsing" on crack
the SH$T is evil
it destroys
and if you say he is "pro recovery" just what the hell-o does that mean??? he wouldn't be drinking wine!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
your story is so so so familiar...met up with a beautiful man from high school...had not seen him in almost 30 years...dated for two years and I would have married him too, in fact I thought, at one point in the depths of my codependency, that my commitment to him would help him know how lovable he was so that he would quit "relapsing" on crack
the SH$T is evil
it destroys
and if you say he is "pro recovery" just what the hell-o does that mean??? he wouldn't be drinking wine!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you all.
He is doing everything he is supposed to be doing for the
Moment, working...even tempered and back to the person I fell in love with. Now I'm just so anxious about him cycling back through again. And yes, my gut tells me that he will lay low for a while until I'm no longer watching so closely and he will be using again. But I can't do anything rash while he seems to be trying so hard. Question is.... Is he genuinely trying or just appeasing me so future use may go unnoticed?
Moment, working...even tempered and back to the person I fell in love with. Now I'm just so anxious about him cycling back through again. And yes, my gut tells me that he will lay low for a while until I'm no longer watching so closely and he will be using again. But I can't do anything rash while he seems to be trying so hard. Question is.... Is he genuinely trying or just appeasing me so future use may go unnoticed?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Perhaps a question you ask yourself besides "is is using or not?" is whether how you feel right now, suspicious and anxious, is an acceptable way for you to feel in this relationship. If it's okay for now, then you can put any action on hold for the time being. If you decide that how you feel right now is not acceptable in a relationship, then you can start to take steps to improve the situation.
Because you can't really do anything to affect whether he uses again or not - but you can do whatever is necessary to get yourself to where you want to be, and feeling how you want to feel. Shift the focus from him to you, and sometimes then things start to fall into place a little easier.
I drove myself crazy for a while hunting for signs - was she using? Has she switched drugs? Is she high now, or did she get clean? How can I tell if she relapses...? When what I really needed to ask myself was: "am I happy spending all of my time worrying about her, when that worry will do absolutely nothing to help her or change the situation?"
Because you can't really do anything to affect whether he uses again or not - but you can do whatever is necessary to get yourself to where you want to be, and feeling how you want to feel. Shift the focus from him to you, and sometimes then things start to fall into place a little easier.
I drove myself crazy for a while hunting for signs - was she using? Has she switched drugs? Is she high now, or did she get clean? How can I tell if she relapses...? When what I really needed to ask myself was: "am I happy spending all of my time worrying about her, when that worry will do absolutely nothing to help her or change the situation?"
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" Am I fooling myself, or letting him fool me again?"
I would say yes to both. I, too, would protect my money and get an annulment.
IMO just quitting and white knuckling it, has no future, he is not in recovery. He is just doing what addicts do.
I would say yes to both. I, too, would protect my money and get an annulment.
IMO just quitting and white knuckling it, has no future, he is not in recovery. He is just doing what addicts do.
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