EnoughEnough

Day 6 of him not drinking, Friday is the big move to my own home. He appears to be in good spirits, very positive language, super supportive about the move, etc. I'm personally in walking on eggshells, don't rock the boat mode. I hate to be cynical, but I've seen him do this before and it typically is followed by a crash - generally on the pretense of something I have done or said wrong (i know, I know...). We haven't ever seen a day 7 so it's hard to stay optimistic, especially with all the big changes coming up. He is horrible at dealing with change.

Here's my question - he said for several days he's going to go to counseling, get help, all that good stuff but hasn't really done anything of substance yet that I can tell. I want to ask what he has done, what his plan is, but am holding back. Partly because I don't want to possibly rock the boat, partly because I think I need to be detaching and not controlling his decisions, so it's really none of my business? On the other hand, I really want to believe, I want to see him succeed...

What is the healthy line I should be taking? Old me would be asking, darn the consequences. New me...well, I'm a new student to this and have some lessons to learn. He seems almost giddy happy - there is no in-between with him - he is either way up or way down. My own emotions are in a whirlwind and I want to do what's best, primarily for myself and my son, but I don't want to unknowingly sabotage him either (which leads me to the why do I even care line of thought...but I love him, but he's not healthy, but I should take care of him, but it's not my job...)

Somebody yesterday called it a roller coaster. Boy, that really hits the nail on the head! Maybe once we are moved it will settle some...is there some sort of manual for this stuff?
Jen

suki44883

He says, he says, he says...but he hasn't done anything. Words mean nothing. Actions tell you the truth. If he was serious, you would see the actions. You haven't. You don't have to ask. You know the answer.

Milly39

Talk is cheap - watch and wait - as we say here on SR... More will be revealed

Katiekate

Here's my question - he said for several days he's going to go to counseling, get help, all that good stuff but hasn't really done anything of substance yet that I can tell. I want to ask what he has done, what his plan is, but am holding back. Partly because I don't want to possibly rock the boat, partly because I think I need to be detaching and not controlling his decisions, so it's really none of my business? On the other hand, I really want to believe, I want to see him succeed...

Well, if you ask, that will be his excuse for drinking aye????

EnoughEnough

I guess I already knew the answer...just needed to hear it "out loud"

Thank you!

Hypatia

Do you think you could maybe hold off asking until after Friday and wait until the move is totally finished? By that time you might not even feel a need to ask any more.

I am currently going through a similar situation where I keep wanting to ask my husband how his rehab is going. I have to keep reminding myself that it is his rehab and I have nothing to do with it. He will tell me stuff, or not, but I cannot expect him to report to me about everything he's doing there. Some of it may be painful or embarrassing, while some of it is likely still confusing him and he's working it out. Some things may involve other people at the rehab who have a right to their own privacy without fearing that anything they share with my husband will get passed on to me.

So I am taking it one day at a time. Heck, one conversation at a time, one email or SMS at a time. I keep telling myself that right now I will not ask, and that is enough to stop me.

It is kind of the same as what I assume a drinker goes through. I don't have to promise myself that I will never ask. Just make myself not ask right now this minute, this time. And it is working so far.

m1k3

To quote "Game of Thrones", words are wind.

Your friend,

ZiggyB

Yeah my axbf said he was going to counseling too but that never happened. True what he does with his life isn't your business but you have to decide if the relationship is worth all of the mayhem and stress it causes. And will he ever do what he says he will? Sounds like probably not. Anyway good luck and try to take care of yourself right now too.

EnoughEnough

I think deep down I don't expect him to go anyway. He still thinks he can handle it on his own, and I know he can't (but don't know how to or maybe shouldn't? tell him that). He doesn't believe it when his mom and I describe his verbal abuse when he's been drinking, the seizures, the shaking, the apnea, loss of time, loss of weight...he doesn't even believe video recordings of him doing these things or the scale he stands on. Still thinks he can have just a half a pint and nobody will know (like it ever stops there).

We know. And we still love him.

The combined stress of anticipating the move and worry about him possibly picking up the bottle at any moment is making it hard to really focus. Last night was easy - my son had rehearsal after school so we didn't get home until he was already in bed. Tonight we will be home for several hours before bed, so the pressure is on.

I can't wait to move. I literally cannot see anything beyond this weekend right now...this is madness! /end rant

Jen