Can I do this ...

Old 09-10-2012, 09:42 PM
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Can I do this ...

Hello my name is Sue I am the mother of a 24 year old addict and 4 years ago I lost a boyfriend to addiction. Since that time I have moved dealing with the death of Patrick and my father was too much for me to bear at the time I left my son was 22. Honestly though before I left my son was already on the way to losing his soul. We lived together for only a short time before he decided I made him miserable and needed to get his own place. I was evil I tell you because growing pot and doing drugs wasn't something that I was willing to come home to every day. Well after I left he got arrested twice once he got pulled over and they found pills the next time was for dealing pot now here we are a year after his last arrest and he is still on bail for the dealing and on probation for the pill possesion ...this happened in two states mind you ...but since that time he has gotten far worse I mean I have been told he is on heroin. Now I like so many others thought that paying his rent, bills, lawyer fees, food and fines would help him get through this time ...yeh rite I paid half his rent while he would lie to me on the phone and tell me he was working when he is back to selling drugs and had a roomate and he paid zero. My mother is in that area so he basically is holding her hostage too..she is constantly getting him food reminding him of court dates ect. Meanwhile they are both laying guilt trips on me that I should move home because of his problems. Honestly I would not be able to function if I was living there I am living 1000 miles away and the kids will call me constantly with some sort of chaos and telling me he is so bad because I moved away and that i need to move home so he can live with me. Well in the past two years I have learned to deal with my grief went back to school have a good job and would be happy if I wasn't so scared all the time.

He really hasn't gone to any real rehab since all this began and despite his arrest he has never been drug tested. I told him I am done paying his rent and bills since last month I had to pay so much for his fines and rent and food that I am now late with my own bills. I told him I just can't do it anymore so now today he is telling me he can't stay in his apartment because he cant afford it...ya think ...I won't say he should get a job because honestly until he cleans up I just don't see how he can work he really looks and acts very strung out. So he tells me he is going to have to live in his car. I told him I was sorry if that is what he thought he needed to do I would pray for him. The guilt is awful I am so far away so it's not like I could even look into someplace he could go from here. Although I have told him of one place that I know has inpatient and told him to go the hospital they would help him.

I just don't know if I have it in me to deal with my son living in his car ... but I have too I feel that his life is on the line and I pray that he either ends up in jail or rehab ...I just don't know
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:12 PM
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Sorry about the size of my last post it was my first one I wasn't aware of how big it would be ...
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:55 PM
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Welcome to SR, Schab. There are many mothers of addicts here working strong recovery programs for their codependency and they will offer you solid advice.

I am not a parent of an addict but I know enough about addicts to know that whether you are a thousand miles away or one mile away, you will not be able to talk him into, nor bribe him into, nor guilt nor plead nor threaten him into, recovery.

Keeping good boundaries and not enabling him helps him, because as long as life is working for him--food and shelter and drug money--then he will keep using. It is when using becomes a nightmare that an addict seeks help, and the nightmare can't happen if everyone is keeping the addict comfortable.

So stay where you are. All the experts say that our prescription is to take care of ourselves. To "find serenity and even happiness, whether the alcoholic [addict] is still drinking or not." That is a quote from Al-Anon, a recovery program for friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts. Nar-Anon is for friends and family of drug addicts. You can google those, with your state, and you'll find some meetings. There are great free pamphlets, at the meetings, on dealing with addiction in the family. And you can just sit and listen to people share their experience and recovery from the effects of addiction in their lives and within their families.

We are glad you found SR. And you even have the right font now.

On the opening page of the forum you will see links labeled "Sticky." It's a good place to start your recovery.

Your son is not a hopeless case. People recover from drug abuse. We have several members who are recovering addicts.

And the chances for an addict to recover are much better if his family first finds recovery. Even though he has enablers within the family, your own recovery will make a tremendous difference. You will speak to him and to other family members from a place of genuine conviction and solid education about the right and the wrong way to deal with an addict in the family. You will feel less guilt and stronger resolve. You will have faith in your choices. You will be able to say that word addicts hate most--NO--and not hate yourself for it. You will be proud, instead. And hopeful.

We will support you as life unfolds and change happens. Keep taking care of you. You have had a major loss, the death of your partner--I am sorry for your loss-- and you are re-building your life. You are on the right path.
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:56 AM
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So well put EnglishGarden! I have nothing to add to that but to offer my support & encouragement to you. This too shall pass.
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:25 AM
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Living in a car isn't that bad and hopefully it will make him realize that next it will be a shelter or the curb if he does not seek recovery.
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:52 AM
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No reason to feel guilty.

You did not cause this.
Your cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Drugs rewire the brain to protect and sustain addiction. Lies and manipulation are the tools of addiction. Manipulating people, especially family members, is common stuff. No one can be held hostage without allowing it.

"No" is a complete sentence.
"No, beacuse..." is the start of negotiation. . Don't go there.

You have no more control over your family members than you do your son.

Without experiencing consequences, there is no hope for recovery.
Give him the digity to experience the consequences of his choices.

The Salvation Army is a tremendeous opportunity for those who are highly motivated to change.
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Old 09-11-2012, 02:11 PM
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I am also the mother of an addicted son and want to welcome you too.

"We" are not their only hope or option. "We" are not the solution and if we enable we become part of the problem.

He has choices and doesn't have to live in his car. He can choose instead to call the Salvation Army and go to a rehab that will cost him nothing.

If he chooses to continue on his path of addiction, it will only get worse over time...and the worst place for any mother to be is in a front row seat to the drama.

If other family members try to make you feel guilty, then they need to find help for themselves too. Love cannot save our addicted children, if it could not one of us would be here.

Take a read around, the sticky posts at the top of this forum have some helpful reading. Make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends who understand here.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.
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Old 09-11-2012, 02:50 PM
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Yes I have been reading around it has made me feel better I just didn't see to many people that lived so far away. That is what I struggle with because I feel like perhaps I haven't done enough. He sent me only one text so far today stating he needed a place to live I did not reply some days its harder than other. The anxiety I feel from all this some days is unbearable I dread hearing my phone ring, text or emails. I realize however one way or anther I will be getting that one more dreaded call of either he will be in jail, deal or the best case in rehab. I just keep telling myself to stay strong I just can't do this anymore. I am not an addict yet I am broke, on edge and paying for legal debts.
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:17 PM
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Schab, my son has been missing and lost in his addiction for over 8 years, so he may as well be a thousand miles away. The thing is, when he lived with us in a loving home and had a warm and safe place to be and a job in my husband's business and encouragement to attend meetings and look after his recovery...he still used, stole, lied, and created so much chaos that we had no choice but to insist he leave.

We did this many times. Each time he moved back we thought it would be different. Each time he made promises that he couldn't keep and no matter how much we loved him, no matter how much we tried to guide him to a better life and no matter how much we supported his sobriety which was usually brief but sometimes lasted a year or more...no matter how much we gave, it didn't change anything.

If love could stop our addicted loved ones from using, not one of us would be here. So please don't feel guilty.

What helps me get through my days is to say a prayer each morning and give my son's care to God. Then I embrace the day and all the beauty it brings and live life well, as life was intended to be lived.

In time, you too can find the peace I know today. Meetings helped me find my balance and the 12-step program gave me a wonderful program that has helped me in all areas of my life.

I hope you find peace too, because it is heart breaking to be the mama of an addicted child.

Hugs
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Old 09-11-2012, 07:21 PM
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Dear Schab,

I have no more to add to what has already been shared. I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin) who is now almost 40 days clean. This is very early in recovery. I know it, but more importantly, he knows it.

I have no advice to give except that I reached out for all the help I could get. Meetings, SR, faith community--I was going under with him (at one time I was severely anorexic and suicidal), and I needed to save myself before I could ever hope to help anyone else.

My son has been a polyabuser (real word? real hell) for years, and has suffered abuse from his bio-father--to the point of being encouraged to commit joint suicide--as well as having had a diagnosis of clinical depression since he was in middle school. Plenty of serious obstacles. And many of them continue to arise. Such is the difficult nature of life on this planet.

But where there is life, there is hope. He is working a strong, if early, recovery (one must start somewhere). He has become an avid reader, an avid golfer, exercises vigorously every day, monitors his diet (starchy carbohydrates and sugar are "nutritional triggers" for him), has two job interviews scheduled (was offered a job a few weeks ago that he declined because the training interfered with the outpatient program he is in). He has completely rearranged his sleep habits (this is a young person who has not been awake before 4 in the afternoon in three years). Insomnia still hounds him, but he gets up, does what must be done, and moves on. I could go on, but the point I am making is that no matter how bleak it is--and it can be pretty f****** bleak--there is hope.

But you must take care of yourself. You must gain strength and calm. You do this with the help of other people. No matter what, you take care of yourself. This is the greatest gift you can give your son, believe it or not. No matter what happens, your health, sanity and well-being comes first. If it doesn't, no one wins.

I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart. There is much wisdom and love and compassion here on SR. These people saw me through the darkest time in my life, and I have never met one of them.

Keep posting. God and the "Mama Posse" (and every other brave, noble soul on here--all travelers on the journey) will walk with you and see you through.

Blessings to you.
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Old 09-13-2012, 02:59 PM
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So today the phone calls and emails from home started. First my son's landlord calling to tell me my son didn't pay the rent..which I knew because he spend any dime he gets on drugs and then my mother telling me she is going to let him store his stuff at her house. I told her I would pay for the storage but she should not be allowing him to do that...then she emails to tell me she was bringing him food and boxes! Now I tell her I will only contact him with the name of a couple of inpatient rehabs but that I really can't do much more. I am completly drained from all this worry...my mother say he isn't interested in ..inpatient...my reply was too bad when and if he is ready to go he will need inpatient and at least if I give him the information I will feel like I did something. Ya see my son has terrible ADHD and to be honest can barely keep track of his court dates. He has a hard time comprehending written instructions therefore probation, community service and scheduled appointments for him can be overwhelming. Even before drugs the anxiety he had over appointments ect was hard for him. Having said that he is nearly 25 and was arrested for dealing drugs and I am not surprised that he got arrested he isnt a very subtle guy....I just pray that I make it through all this I am so worried for my son's life and my mothers too. He has robbed from all of us and this addiction is just awful. He has never been in a real program I just hope soon he will get it....
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Schab33 View Post

He has robbed from all of us and this addiction is just awful. He has never been in a real program I just hope soon he will get it.... [/FONT][/SIZE]
Until an addict experiences the consequences of his/her choices, there is no hope. When we cushion the consequences, we enable addiction. That becomes our role in the whole thing.

Getting out of the addicts way and letting the chips fall where they may, instead of trying to cushion and make it comfortable to stay stuck ,creates opportunity for the addict to consider change. Some will and some will not. We have no control over the outcome.
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