New, and frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 19
New, and frustrated
First, let me say I came across this wonderful place at exactly the right time, it has been quite the eye opener.
I have been dating my Abf since about February, and in June moved myself, son and small zoo in with him temporarily while we found permanent housing. What a shock! My sweet man, who has been a friend for several years, turns out to have a serious alcohol problem. He's also exceedingly anxious, clingy, mistrusting - mind you none of this came out until we were under the same roof. One day he just starts screaming in my face, then falls over, has a seizure, scares the poop out of me (thankfully ds was not home) and this is my introduction to his alcoholism. Since june the longest he has gone without a drink is 6 days (we are currently on day 5...holding my breath...). Alcohol makes him screaming violent, though not physical. As the alcohol wears off (and he really only has to have a couple swallows of vodka for this to happen) his whole body spasms (I've been calling them seizures, that's what they look like even though he seems lucid and can talk through the whole thing). In the past 5 years he has lost 50 lbs, and weighs about 130 right now - mind you I'm 120 and can carry him almost like a child when he passes out, so somebody's scale is lying I think. He refuses AA (went to 2 meetings, says his sponsor is a drunk
), almost had him check himself into rehab a month ago - bailed after we sat in the waiting area for 3 hours and found out he would be "locked up". He is on xanax for anxiety and camprol to allegedly help with the drinking but is completely unreliable about taking them. After he passes out from alcohol he has horrible apnea. I often find myself staying up for hours making sure he doesn't die in his sleep.
I've told him he's killing himself. His mother has told him the same thing, and even said that she knows he's going to die after I move out. Thanks for the guilt trip Mother...but that's beside the point.
The proverbial poo really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday he got up earlier than me (typical), went and ran "errands" (often a sign of things to come), came home and took a 4 hour nap (uh oh...) and woke up screaming. This time he was also slamming doors and throwing things around, which was new and pretty dang scary so I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I spent 4 hours in a parking lot terrified he was going to follow me (it's amazing how many white pickups you will see when you're trying to avoid one). Finally he called and said he was sorry, he missed me, all the usual lines. I figured at least he's over it so I headed back to the house.
Nope. I walked in the door, screaming started again. This time I grabbed my overnight bag and high-tailed it back to my car. I drove straight to the book store and grabbed 2 books - one on emotional blackmail and one on codependency then headed to an Al-anon meeting. I spent the whole night reading. When I got home he had calmed down, and still swears he wasn't drinking - which is doubly scary because if I choose to believe that, then I'm going to have a hard time telling when he really is drinking - he is really good at hiding. He didn't have any spasm/seizure things, so he probably was telling the truth. He then proceeded to have a completely peaceful sunday, and sat most of the day reading the book on codependency, pausing to say things like "hey, that's me" and "I thought I was the only one who felt that way".
We talked about boundaries. I told him if he drinks around me, I'm leaving. If he yells at me or comes at me in anger, I'm leaving. If he does either of the above in front of my son, I'm leaving. No second chances. He *seemed* understanding and agreeable. I wonder how long that will last...
The bottom line is as much as I love him, I am damn lucky my son hasn't been home for any of his...shall we call them...episodes. And the last thing I want is for him to be anywhere near it. I'm closing on my home in 4 days. The closer we get to moving, the worse he gets. I am a nervous wreck, but determined to get thru this. I can support him better by NOT living in the same house with him.
Has anyone else experienced/heard of this spasm/seizure thing? I can't seem to find anything quite like it online...
Thanks all,
Jen
I have been dating my Abf since about February, and in June moved myself, son and small zoo in with him temporarily while we found permanent housing. What a shock! My sweet man, who has been a friend for several years, turns out to have a serious alcohol problem. He's also exceedingly anxious, clingy, mistrusting - mind you none of this came out until we were under the same roof. One day he just starts screaming in my face, then falls over, has a seizure, scares the poop out of me (thankfully ds was not home) and this is my introduction to his alcoholism. Since june the longest he has gone without a drink is 6 days (we are currently on day 5...holding my breath...). Alcohol makes him screaming violent, though not physical. As the alcohol wears off (and he really only has to have a couple swallows of vodka for this to happen) his whole body spasms (I've been calling them seizures, that's what they look like even though he seems lucid and can talk through the whole thing). In the past 5 years he has lost 50 lbs, and weighs about 130 right now - mind you I'm 120 and can carry him almost like a child when he passes out, so somebody's scale is lying I think. He refuses AA (went to 2 meetings, says his sponsor is a drunk
), almost had him check himself into rehab a month ago - bailed after we sat in the waiting area for 3 hours and found out he would be "locked up". He is on xanax for anxiety and camprol to allegedly help with the drinking but is completely unreliable about taking them. After he passes out from alcohol he has horrible apnea. I often find myself staying up for hours making sure he doesn't die in his sleep.I've told him he's killing himself. His mother has told him the same thing, and even said that she knows he's going to die after I move out. Thanks for the guilt trip Mother...but that's beside the point.
The proverbial poo really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday he got up earlier than me (typical), went and ran "errands" (often a sign of things to come), came home and took a 4 hour nap (uh oh...) and woke up screaming. This time he was also slamming doors and throwing things around, which was new and pretty dang scary so I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I spent 4 hours in a parking lot terrified he was going to follow me (it's amazing how many white pickups you will see when you're trying to avoid one). Finally he called and said he was sorry, he missed me, all the usual lines. I figured at least he's over it so I headed back to the house.
Nope. I walked in the door, screaming started again. This time I grabbed my overnight bag and high-tailed it back to my car. I drove straight to the book store and grabbed 2 books - one on emotional blackmail and one on codependency then headed to an Al-anon meeting. I spent the whole night reading. When I got home he had calmed down, and still swears he wasn't drinking - which is doubly scary because if I choose to believe that, then I'm going to have a hard time telling when he really is drinking - he is really good at hiding. He didn't have any spasm/seizure things, so he probably was telling the truth. He then proceeded to have a completely peaceful sunday, and sat most of the day reading the book on codependency, pausing to say things like "hey, that's me" and "I thought I was the only one who felt that way".
We talked about boundaries. I told him if he drinks around me, I'm leaving. If he yells at me or comes at me in anger, I'm leaving. If he does either of the above in front of my son, I'm leaving. No second chances. He *seemed* understanding and agreeable. I wonder how long that will last...
The bottom line is as much as I love him, I am damn lucky my son hasn't been home for any of his...shall we call them...episodes. And the last thing I want is for him to be anywhere near it. I'm closing on my home in 4 days. The closer we get to moving, the worse he gets. I am a nervous wreck, but determined to get thru this. I can support him better by NOT living in the same house with him.
Has anyone else experienced/heard of this spasm/seizure thing? I can't seem to find anything quite like it online...
Thanks all,
Jen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, Jen. What a roller coaster, eh?
I don't have direct experience with the seizures, but it sounds like he was trying to detox. However, I don't know and I am not a doctor, so that's just my humble opinion.
Glad to hear you are closing on your own home...and that you can take your family and put some distance between you and this man. He is unreliable to say the least, and at worst, potentially dangerous to you and your kids.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
I don't have direct experience with the seizures, but it sounds like he was trying to detox. However, I don't know and I am not a doctor, so that's just my humble opinion.
Glad to hear you are closing on your own home...and that you can take your family and put some distance between you and this man. He is unreliable to say the least, and at worst, potentially dangerous to you and your kids.
Keep reading, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I have never heard of sober ragings with spasms/seizures. I have heard of seizures when an A tries to not drink and goes through withdrawal.
Any man that is substituting alcohol for food to the point your abf seems to be, to have lost that much weight, sounds like he is an advanced alcoholic in the latter stage of life.
Mixing Xanax with alcohol intensifies the effect and is dangerous.
He views you buying a house as leaving him. He also knows his chances of finding someone else to put up with him are slim to none. His best chances are to find another raging alcoholic.
You can't cure this guy, and his problems are rather severe.
I wish you could just cut him loose. I foresee personal protection orders to keep him away from you. This one has the potential to get violent. Do what you have to to protect yourself in the future in your new home. Dead bolts, cell phone near you as you sleep, and a baseball bat. Sorry to write that, but I think he sounds mentally disturbed.
Any man that is substituting alcohol for food to the point your abf seems to be, to have lost that much weight, sounds like he is an advanced alcoholic in the latter stage of life.
Mixing Xanax with alcohol intensifies the effect and is dangerous.
He views you buying a house as leaving him. He also knows his chances of finding someone else to put up with him are slim to none. His best chances are to find another raging alcoholic.
You can't cure this guy, and his problems are rather severe.
I wish you could just cut him loose. I foresee personal protection orders to keep him away from you. This one has the potential to get violent. Do what you have to to protect yourself in the future in your new home. Dead bolts, cell phone near you as you sleep, and a baseball bat. Sorry to write that, but I think he sounds mentally disturbed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He could be detoxing, he could have other medical issues, but until he chooses to address HIS medical problems with his doctor, there is nothing you can do for him.
As horrible as it sounds, he does have the right to drink himself to death. He has the right to disregard his health.
You moving out in 4 days is an absolute blessing.
Take care of you and you child.
There really isn't any support you can offer someone who does not want to help themselves.
We will be here for you.
As horrible as it sounds, he does have the right to drink himself to death. He has the right to disregard his health.
You moving out in 4 days is an absolute blessing.
Take care of you and you child.
There really isn't any support you can offer someone who does not want to help themselves.
We will be here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 19
How soon would a "detox" take effect? It seems like if he has a fifth or more (vodka is his drink of choice, small bottles of wine on Sundays), he rages for about 5-6 hours then starts with the spasms. Those last 2-3 hours then he passes out. Last I heard his liver numbers were high but not off the charts, and his doc seems to think xanax and camprol will cure the world. So does his mom - she feeds him more xanax when he starts spasming.
I know I can't "fix" him, but I am curious about what he's going thru. I guess understanding the progression of the disease in some way helps me to accept my role, if any, in the whole thing? I do realize there's a chance he will go off the deep end once we move out, and I'm never really sure if he's trying to get better or not. I did tell him it's not my responsibility and I can't control whether he decides to get better or not.
Jen
I know I can't "fix" him, but I am curious about what he's going thru. I guess understanding the progression of the disease in some way helps me to accept my role, if any, in the whole thing? I do realize there's a chance he will go off the deep end once we move out, and I'm never really sure if he's trying to get better or not. I did tell him it's not my responsibility and I can't control whether he decides to get better or not.
Jen
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What a high tolerance. A fifth of vodka might kill you or me.
Sounds like these "spasms" are one of the side effects of his drinking, since they happen before he passes out and detoxes.
He might also have diabetes or something like that. alcohol is sugar.
Your role in the whole thing? Hon, don't take on any responsibility for this raging alcoholic, just protect that son of yours...and HIS MOTHER.
Sounds like these "spasms" are one of the side effects of his drinking, since they happen before he passes out and detoxes.
He might also have diabetes or something like that. alcohol is sugar.
Your role in the whole thing? Hon, don't take on any responsibility for this raging alcoholic, just protect that son of yours...and HIS MOTHER.
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