Weasel1966

I temporarily gave up yesterday.

I have made many right choices over the last few weeks. No doubt I will continue to make them.

I come here and offer support. Try to encourage with all my heart.

Temporarily? WTH? That's a load of sh!t huh?

The only thing temporary is my life if I don't get things together now. In this temporary moment.

Cravings are temporary.

But when Sunday's come, for me? they seem eternal.

I am trying to hide, in my words, how I really feel about myself right now. I read so many desperate posts and while they serve a purpose it's painful for the reader when they cannot make it better.

Rest assured I am better... Will be better.

If I beat myself down right now then how will I get back up?

It's true you know.... If i have some sober time, no matter how many days I string together, it's tough to reconcile how i could possibly make such a bad choice?.?.?

What excuse did I tell myself? Nothing! I simply closed my mind down and executed an impulse.

I have today to live out the repercussions.

You all provide such support that I feel guilty posting this...... But....

If I don't, then I not only hide from you.... But I hide from myself.

That's unacceptable.

Gotta go shower and shave... Try to feel alive... Go to the bank to take money out of my savings to cover yesterday and eat something.

I know when I make the right choices it feels so damn good.

There are many more right choices to make.... Starting with today. Starting with this post I will let go of the negative.

I am sorry Ken. I will try harder to take care of you. Love you. Be there for you. You deserve it.



Ken

soberjim

Hey Ken...I enjoy reading you posts..Your notes all seem so...honest.

Glad you posted. We are all struggling. You had a hard day yesterday, but you are back...making the right choice.

Jim

Weasel1966

Thanks Jim.

I feel that if I was not honest then what do I have to offer myself? Illusions? Delusions?

I wont ever give up. Just need to ammend the plan again. And again and again untill I have the formula that works for me. I hope I have it right this time.

K

FredG

When I did my step 4 - 7, one of my shortcomings was my cravings. When I asked to have them lifted, He was gracious enough to grant that. Don't say it will work with you, but you never know till you try.

That being said, the lack of cravings also created a hole, if that makes any sense, that needed to be filled with something. For that I used the new friends I had made at the meetings. For a loooonnng while, I was pretty much a fixture at their homes, when I wasn't at meetings.

Weasel1966

In AVRT the plan is simple. Keeping that as the first thought is where I go bad sometimes.

Fallow

Hi Ken

The support you provide...your comments have been a great help to me.

Thanks for that.

Im thinking about how not only are the cravings temporary, but the relief we may feel if we give in is always going to be temporary as well.
Sounds obvious but I tend to forget that at the crucial decision making moment.
It happens so fast sometimes!

Im sorry to hear you not feeling well today.

Glad you came right back tho!

Next Sunday just stick to cooking

Talk to you later

Weasel1966

Thanks fallow... I appreciate that.

I am going to listen to myself and say what I say to others to myself.

I cannot imagine ever giving up. I cannot imagine I can keep drinking either.

Not going to let sadness get the best of me today.

I did not make th e bratwurst last night. Going to make it tonight.

Ken

Veggiejojo

Hi Ken,

Great attitude, your right - don’t beat yourself up and let go of the negative. Sometimes people are great at giving advice and support to others but aren’t so kind to themselves. I’ve not been on these forums very long, but it’s already apparent you are very well thought of by the guys on here.

If Sunday’s your weak spot, can you shake your routine up at all? get out and do something you wouldn’t normally do - there must be loads going on in New York city, even on a Sunday,

x

MrsKing

Ken, I know this may sound silly, but 'Sunday' is just the name of a day. Have you thought about maybe not calling it Sunday? This probably sounds ridiculous... but I'm just trying to think of ways that Sundays may not trip you up any longer... there's nothing special about Sunday, as there is nothing special about any day of the week... it's just a name. Don't let the name of a day get the better of you, you're stronger than that.

Wishing you the best.

Weasel1966

Veggiejojo - Thank you!

Mrs King - I am one of those people thats steeped in routine. So much so that I do the same things the same way nearly every time. LOL kind OCD... well more than kinda I guess.

I hear you. I tell others its only a day ending in Y right? There are 6 others like it so nothing changes. No on a Monday is the same as a sunday.

I will be trying something new this weekend. You can be sure of it. No more sad monday posts for me!

k

MrsKing

I'm glad you're doing something new this Sunday

What are your plans?

Weasel1966

I love to sit in Washington square park in the city. That's the one with the big arch and fountain. There are always performers and musicians and people watching at its finest. Even the nuts are fun to watch.

So about 2 in the afternoon I will head in so I am busy. Then walk the west side by the water until sunset.

If I tucker myself out I can come home and relax after the tough time has past.

That's not always an option but I only need to get through one Sunday at a time so I will plan the next one when I have this one sober.

artsoul

Good for you for posting, Weasel.
It's hard getting back up but there's always something we can learn from a fall. I see you doing that today - good job.

mecanix

In my drinking days i don't think i ever closed my mind down, i just did some denial of the facts long enough to get me drunk enough not to care.

Bestwishes, M

hypochondriac

How much time have you managed to string together sober Ken? I only ask because after the first few months the cravings really do lessen. It is so worth just white knuckling it for the minutes/hours that your cravings last because it will get better. Maybe you just need to sit here on SR all Sunday so you are reminded why not to drink and don't have any temporary lapses... Keep on at it xxx

Weasel1966

Hypo.... Not nearly enough!

I have had more sober time in the last 30 days than ever. I slipped a few times.

I have to get some tests done and need a full 30 days and there is no room for games. I am angry I drank and need to put off the dr visit. This is a serious thing.

Weasel1966

Since January 1st, 2011 I have been keeping a calendar.

It has shown my progress... And there has been a lot of that!

Green is sober.
Yellow is drunk.
Red is drinking and drugs.

I see patterns and trends.

So how does this help me?

So far this month I have one yellow and a sea of green.

It makes me feel good to look back and know that there were months early on that had many consecutive reds strung together by yellows.

MrsKing

Sounds like a great day

PippoRossi

Hang in there, Ken. This is a long and winding road we are traversing.

SoberForMySon

Your words ring true. Best to you.