My fincee is a herion addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
Posts: 9
My fincee is a herion addict
I'm confused. Im hoping to get some helpful replys.
My fiancee has always had a bit of a drug problem. It was mainly drinking, and quickly proggressed to cocaine and the Herion. He was doing "speed balls?" not too sure what that is. Anyway he went and got help after being arrested for stealing. He was locked up in jail for 2 weeks, and I told him the only way he can come home is if he went straight from jail to a rehab facility. He expecpted my request and did not want to loose his family. ( we have a baby) He had been doing very well. He relapsed he will not admit it. I don't know what to do. Do I leave? He became a bit violent when he is "sick"
His family doesnt help. His dad and step-mom do, its his grandma. She believes every single word he says. I need to get a handle on my life.
I dont know if im trying to vent, but I would love some feedback!\
My fiancee has always had a bit of a drug problem. It was mainly drinking, and quickly proggressed to cocaine and the Herion. He was doing "speed balls?" not too sure what that is. Anyway he went and got help after being arrested for stealing. He was locked up in jail for 2 weeks, and I told him the only way he can come home is if he went straight from jail to a rehab facility. He expecpted my request and did not want to loose his family. ( we have a baby) He had been doing very well. He relapsed he will not admit it. I don't know what to do. Do I leave? He became a bit violent when he is "sick"
His family doesnt help. His dad and step-mom do, its his grandma. She believes every single word he says. I need to get a handle on my life.
I dont know if im trying to vent, but I would love some feedback!\
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself and your child into a safe situation. Violence is NEVER okay, drug sick or not. The momma posse will be along shortly with good advice, but I wanted to welcome you to SR - I'm sorry for the reason that you found us, but I'm glad you did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Welcome to SR. So sorry you are facing this, but know that we have all been there and we understand. In my humble opinion, violence is a deal breaker. You and your baby should always be safe and in my experience, that is never the case with an active addict. Keep coming back.....it really does help.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Welcome, and sorry to hear about what you are going through. Here's a current thread started by someone in a like situation (except that the A is not her fiancee or violent). She's very smart and I think reading it will help you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...in-addict.html
Also, here are some useful sticky links for you to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-let-go.html
I wish you peace.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...in-addict.html
Also, here are some useful sticky links for you to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-family.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-let-go.html
I wish you peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
Posts: 9
I hear you with the violence. Its been scarey sometimes. I think if I end the relationship he may try to do something bad to me. I told him the other day when he grabbed me that I was going to get a restraining order. That I think was not the right thing to say. My baby was not home, and I thank my lucky stars for that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
A speedball is a combo of heroin and cocaine- often lethal.
The " you are not welcome here unless you ..." is an attempt to control another person. Such attempts usually lead to mutual resentments and do not work.
Active addicts/alcoholics and those new to recovery make lousy parents. Children learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them, at home.
"I will not expose my child to anyone in active addiction or who has demonstrated violence" is a boundary. Addiction is never an excuse for violence. When someone becomes violent, it's best to call the Police and obtain a restraining order.
A boundary does not seek to control another person. Boundaries are intended to protect the boundary setter and minor children from unacceptable behaviors.
The " you are not welcome here unless you ..." is an attempt to control another person. Such attempts usually lead to mutual resentments and do not work.
Active addicts/alcoholics and those new to recovery make lousy parents. Children learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them, at home.
"I will not expose my child to anyone in active addiction or who has demonstrated violence" is a boundary. Addiction is never an excuse for violence. When someone becomes violent, it's best to call the Police and obtain a restraining order.
A boundary does not seek to control another person. Boundaries are intended to protect the boundary setter and minor children from unacceptable behaviors.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
Posts: 9
not sure what your implying outtolunch. As I stated my child was not there. Maybe you misunderstood the post. I do not and will not expose my child to this behavior. We stated when he was in recovery that he will not be allowed to come home. How long does a restraining take to get? He lives in MY place, and he is NOT on the lease. Does he have rights?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Order of Protection | Family Shelter Service
If they cannot help you due to your location, they will be able to refer you to a local organziation, within Illinois that can.
A restraining/protective order trumps any rights to your home that your fiance may have, simply because he lives there.
If they cannot help you due to your location, they will be able to refer you to a local organziation, within Illinois that can.
A restraining/protective order trumps any rights to your home that your fiance may have, simply because he lives there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. What a rotten situation that you are having to face. My child is 7. His father is a crack addict. He was around when my baby was young but I got sick of the lies and the disapearances and the stealing and the drugs. I just couldn't trust him. I couldn't force him to quit using drugs, but I could set some boundaries about the kind of life I was going to live and the kind of people I would allow in my house and around my son. My boundaries also included the distinct actions I would take if someone violated them.
One of boundaries was "I will not allow people who I suspect are using drugs in my house or around my baby. If I suspect you are on drugs I will ask you to leave immediately. If you do not leave, I will call 9-1-1." The most important thing I did was follow through on my boundary. I had to be tough. I did it for my son and for myself. I wanted more out of life. It was really important to me that my son have a stable childhood and wasn't exposed to a drug addicst or criminal behavior. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.
I don't see that you stated your child wasn't there. Must have missed something. Does your baby live with you?
You say his family isn't helpful. But what about yours? Do they know this is going on? You are a single mom of a 7 month old baby. Who is supporting you through all of this? You and your baby deserve better than a speedballing fiance who has drug enduced rages.
That's not cool.
If you want a restraining order, call 9-1-1 the next time he is high and threatening you. Then tell the police he is dangerous and violent and speedballing, and that you want a restraining order because you are scared for your safety.
One of boundaries was "I will not allow people who I suspect are using drugs in my house or around my baby. If I suspect you are on drugs I will ask you to leave immediately. If you do not leave, I will call 9-1-1." The most important thing I did was follow through on my boundary. I had to be tough. I did it for my son and for myself. I wanted more out of life. It was really important to me that my son have a stable childhood and wasn't exposed to a drug addicst or criminal behavior. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.
I don't see that you stated your child wasn't there. Must have missed something. Does your baby live with you?
You say his family isn't helpful. But what about yours? Do they know this is going on? You are a single mom of a 7 month old baby. Who is supporting you through all of this? You and your baby deserve better than a speedballing fiance who has drug enduced rages.
That's not cool.
If you want a restraining order, call 9-1-1 the next time he is high and threatening you. Then tell the police he is dangerous and violent and speedballing, and that you want a restraining order because you are scared for your safety.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by sunshine3381 
I'm confused. Im hoping to get some helpful replys.
My fiancee has always had a bit of a drug problem. It was mainly drinking, and quickly proggressed to cocaine and the Herion. He was doing "speed balls?" not too sure what that is. Anyway he went and got help after being arrested for stealing. He was locked up in jail for 2 weeks, and I told him the only way he can come home is if he went straight from jail to a rehab facility. He expecpted my request and did not want to loose his family. ( we have a baby) He had been doing very well. He relapsed he will not admit it. I don't know what to do. Do I leave? He became a bit violent when he is "sick"
His family doesnt help. His dad and step-mom do, its his grandma. She believes every single word he says. I need to get a handle on my life.
I dont know if im trying to vent, but I would love some feedback!\
My fiancee has always had a bit of a drug problem. It was mainly drinking, and quickly proggressed to cocaine and the Herion. He was doing "speed balls?" not too sure what that is. Anyway he went and got help after being arrested for stealing. He was locked up in jail for 2 weeks, and I told him the only way he can come home is if he went straight from jail to a rehab facility. He expecpted my request and did not want to loose his family. ( we have a baby) He had been doing very well. He relapsed he will not admit it. I don't know what to do. Do I leave? He became a bit violent when he is "sick"
His family doesnt help. His dad and step-mom do, its his grandma. She believes every single word he says. I need to get a handle on my life.
I dont know if im trying to vent, but I would love some feedback!\
Where you have a baby, the first consideration is always going to be protecting your child. Your fiancee is a sick, sick guy, and as long as he's continuing down the path he's on, he is simply incapable of being a responsible parent, let alone being a responsible partner.
I can't tell you whether you should leave or not. It's not my place. You need to make a decision based on what you know to be true, not what you wish to believe. There is a big difference between the two. I would encourage you to read as many posts as you can here, plus the sticky notes on our home page.
Good luck,
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
Posts: 9
(from previous statement: My baby was not home, and I thank my lucky stars for that)
I am thankful for all the help. I need to do whats best.
Yes Kitty. My family is super supportive. In fact that is where my child stays while I work a full time corporate world job. (i work my butt off)
His parents are supportive. They know what he is doing, and they have told me this is not the first time something along these lines has happened. Its his grandma. She is a total inabler, but will not let him move in with her. I have set a lot of boundries. He broke them just recently. I told him if your high or drunk you are not able to come home. His response " f-u. I will come home and what are you gonna do about it.
I am thankful for all the help. I need to do whats best.
Yes Kitty. My family is super supportive. In fact that is where my child stays while I work a full time corporate world job. (i work my butt off)
His parents are supportive. They know what he is doing, and they have told me this is not the first time something along these lines has happened. Its his grandma. She is a total inabler, but will not let him move in with her. I have set a lot of boundries. He broke them just recently. I told him if your high or drunk you are not able to come home. His response " f-u. I will come home and what are you gonna do about it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I told him if your high or drunk you are not able to come home. His response " f-u. I will come home and what are you gonna do about it.
You can't control whether or not he comes home when he's high or drunk. You can only control what your reaction will be when he gets there. He obviously doesn't have very much respect for you or your child or think that you are going to actually take action and change your situation.
Quite frankly, he doesn't sound like a very nice guy or the kind of guy I'd want being a father figure for my child - Cocaine. Heroin. Needles. Jail. Crime. Disrespectful. Tendency to be violent. Why are you with him again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
Posts: 9
The consequence was I was calling the police. Thats when the violence happened. I do not know why i am with him. I do not think it is a good place for my beautiful baby! I am going to leave him. Wish me luck
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
Good luck, sunshine3381. I think you've made a good decision to leave him. While addiction might be able to be worked through, I think abuse is too much. That's not something worth waiting around to see if it changes. You commented in my thread, so you know my bf is also a heroin addict. He did speedballs on occasion too. That's even worse than straight heroin alone. I'm sorry you and your child are going through this. Don't let him manipulate you. Don't feel bad or harsh for leaving him. I would never live with my boyfriend or let our baby live with him if he was an active addict and/or abusive. It's definitely not a healthy or safe environment for either of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: illinois
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Thank You. He is now in panic mode. He want to go to detox and after care. I really just don't know if I have it in me to do this AGAIN!!!
Just to clear it up also. When I ment violent behavior I was referring to throwing things around the house, putting holes in walls, stuff like that. (Kyles) I very much love and care about him (hes the father of my child)
Thats the thing with the minipulation. He tries to make everything my fault, and " he didi nothing wrong". So now here I am stuck in this situation. He can be great when he is not drinking or high
Just to clear it up also. When I ment violent behavior I was referring to throwing things around the house, putting holes in walls, stuff like that. (Kyles) I very much love and care about him (hes the father of my child)
Thats the thing with the minipulation. He tries to make everything my fault, and " he didi nothing wrong". So now here I am stuck in this situation. He can be great when he is not drinking or high
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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They can all be great when they're not drinking or high. The problem is, they do drink and get high. You are not stuck and I am glad you plan to leave him. Be careful though...if he has violent tendencies (even if he hasn't yet hit you), it can be dangerous if he knows you are leaving. The best thing would be to make all the arrangements quietly and then take the baby and go while he is away. Be sure to take all important documents such as birth certificates, car titles, mortgage papers, etc. Put aside some money that he can't access. If you are going to go to your family, arrange to have some clothes and such for the baby and yourself. Make a plan and then when it is time to go, you won't have to rush around gathering up what you are going to need. Good luck. Let us know how things go. 
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Location: illinois
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Originally Posted by suki44883
They can all be great when they're not drinking or high. The problem is, they do drink and get high. You are not stuck and I am glad you plan to leave him. Be careful though...if he has violent tendencies (even if he hasn't yet hit you), it can be dangerous if he knows you are leaving. The best thing would be to make all the arrangements quietly and then take the baby and go while he is away. Be sure to take all important documents such as birth certificates, car titles, mortgage papers, etc. Put aside some money that he can't access. If you are going to go to your family, arrange to have some clothes and such for the baby and yourself. Make a plan and then when it is time to go, you won't have to rush around gathering up what you are going to need. Good luck. Let us know how things go.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Well, getting him out is something you can deal with once you and your baby are a safe distance away. The landlord may be able to aid you with that since your boyfriend is not on the lease. In any case, getting yourself and your child away is the most imperative issue. The other stuff can be dealt with later.
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