Struggling with recover
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Moorhead, MN
Posts: 6
Struggling with recover
Hello everyone,
I want to start by saying I am thankful for the threads on this website. It feels good to know I am not alone and not going crazy!! I have been married to my DH for 8 years now. We have 3 beautiful children ages 5, 3 and 2. I'm a registered nurse but mostly a stay at home mom. Throughout my marriage, my DH has been struggling with his addiction. 4 months after our wedding, he was in treatment for narcotic and antianxiety medication abuse. Mind you, that was his 5th time in treatment since he was in his 20's. He is now 42 yrs old. After that treatment, he was started on Suboxone for chronic pain and that led into a slow but huge relapse over the last year. He's been smoking pot daily for the last 4 years. He spiraled out of control this spring and decided to stop his Suboxone and substitute with Heroin. When I found out about the heroin, I kicked him out of the house. He then moved to a hotel to do his drugs, heroin, coke, pot, etc. Eventually, he seeked treatment and has now been sober since April. He worked an intense outpatient program and is working AA. Yay for him.
I am now trying to reassure myself that I want to stay with him. He is a great provider for me (he is a business owner) and the kids and has started to be more involved at home. But I find myself questioning my love for him. I have been hurt so much the last 8 years that I find it very hard that his sobriety will last. He also has a lung disease that may involve a lung transplant years down the road. He is in the hospital now with pneumonia (his 5th time in the last 12 months). During his hospitalizations, he always gets hooked on the narcotics again. Last year after a lung biopsy, he spent two weeks shooting up his oral dilaudid and then went cold turkey and spent 3 days withdrawing at home. All the while, I'm struggling with taking care of 3 kids who want to know what's wrong with their daddy!! He then went back on his Suboxone and then to the heroin. I feel like I'm settling by staying with him because I know he can provide for me and the kids but there's not much of a desire to be with him. I have been seeing my own counselor for 3 years now and we have done marriage counseling this past year. I find myself daydreaming of what it would be like to be with a different man. I am also working on myself (lost 55 lbs after baby #3, reconnecting with friends and family, setting boundaries, etc). Will these feelings pass the more in recovery he gets?? Are these feelings normal?? Any feedback would be fantastic!
Thanks :-)
I want to start by saying I am thankful for the threads on this website. It feels good to know I am not alone and not going crazy!! I have been married to my DH for 8 years now. We have 3 beautiful children ages 5, 3 and 2. I'm a registered nurse but mostly a stay at home mom. Throughout my marriage, my DH has been struggling with his addiction. 4 months after our wedding, he was in treatment for narcotic and antianxiety medication abuse. Mind you, that was his 5th time in treatment since he was in his 20's. He is now 42 yrs old. After that treatment, he was started on Suboxone for chronic pain and that led into a slow but huge relapse over the last year. He's been smoking pot daily for the last 4 years. He spiraled out of control this spring and decided to stop his Suboxone and substitute with Heroin. When I found out about the heroin, I kicked him out of the house. He then moved to a hotel to do his drugs, heroin, coke, pot, etc. Eventually, he seeked treatment and has now been sober since April. He worked an intense outpatient program and is working AA. Yay for him.
I am now trying to reassure myself that I want to stay with him. He is a great provider for me (he is a business owner) and the kids and has started to be more involved at home. But I find myself questioning my love for him. I have been hurt so much the last 8 years that I find it very hard that his sobriety will last. He also has a lung disease that may involve a lung transplant years down the road. He is in the hospital now with pneumonia (his 5th time in the last 12 months). During his hospitalizations, he always gets hooked on the narcotics again. Last year after a lung biopsy, he spent two weeks shooting up his oral dilaudid and then went cold turkey and spent 3 days withdrawing at home. All the while, I'm struggling with taking care of 3 kids who want to know what's wrong with their daddy!! He then went back on his Suboxone and then to the heroin. I feel like I'm settling by staying with him because I know he can provide for me and the kids but there's not much of a desire to be with him. I have been seeing my own counselor for 3 years now and we have done marriage counseling this past year. I find myself daydreaming of what it would be like to be with a different man. I am also working on myself (lost 55 lbs after baby #3, reconnecting with friends and family, setting boundaries, etc). Will these feelings pass the more in recovery he gets?? Are these feelings normal?? Any feedback would be fantastic!
Thanks :-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Whiteirony, what a rollercoaster it has been for you. I am so sorry for all the pain and difficulty that you have had to deal with.
Welcome to SoberRecovery. This forum has been a godsend for me, and I hope that you will post often. I imagine that when morning rolls around here in the US, you will get many more responses.
It is a hard question that you ask, especially with the needs of 3 small children to answer as well as your own. From what I understand, the first real year of recovery is difficult for both the addict and their spouse/family.
It is great that you are looking into yourself and finding resources that are leading you into a much happier healthier life. It may take more time to see how your husband continues to progress.
Take care,
BothSidesNow
Welcome to SoberRecovery. This forum has been a godsend for me, and I hope that you will post often. I imagine that when morning rolls around here in the US, you will get many more responses.
It is a hard question that you ask, especially with the needs of 3 small children to answer as well as your own. From what I understand, the first real year of recovery is difficult for both the addict and their spouse/family.
It is great that you are looking into yourself and finding resources that are leading you into a much happier healthier life. It may take more time to see how your husband continues to progress.
Take care,
BothSidesNow
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
I don't know if your feelings will change as he recovers. They are your feelings. They are not wrong, ugly or mean, they are how you currently feel. I know you have been through a lot with this man. You may have reached your bottom on how much you are willing to live with. That is okay too.
I think we as partners of addicted loved ones can reach a personal bottom. Sometimes our bottom arrives before theirs does.
I'm glad you have a counselor to share your feelings with. Have you considered attending Alanon or Naranon meetings for face-to-face support?
Alanon meetings have helped me keep my focus on myself. This has allowed me to be a healthier ME so that I can make good decisions for myself and my children.
Have you talked with a lawyer about what your rights are as a spouse of an addict? You mentioned that you stay because he is a good provider. He may still be a good provider, but with a different address if you choose to exercise your right to remove yourself and your children from the front row of his addiction drama. A few free consultations with lawyers will let you know what your rights are according to the laws of your state.
Keep reaching out!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
I don't know if your feelings will change as he recovers. They are your feelings. They are not wrong, ugly or mean, they are how you currently feel. I know you have been through a lot with this man. You may have reached your bottom on how much you are willing to live with. That is okay too.
I think we as partners of addicted loved ones can reach a personal bottom. Sometimes our bottom arrives before theirs does.
I'm glad you have a counselor to share your feelings with. Have you considered attending Alanon or Naranon meetings for face-to-face support?
Alanon meetings have helped me keep my focus on myself. This has allowed me to be a healthier ME so that I can make good decisions for myself and my children.
Have you talked with a lawyer about what your rights are as a spouse of an addict? You mentioned that you stay because he is a good provider. He may still be a good provider, but with a different address if you choose to exercise your right to remove yourself and your children from the front row of his addiction drama. A few free consultations with lawyers will let you know what your rights are according to the laws of your state.
Keep reaching out!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sometimes, there has been too much damage to a relationship for hope to return. Sometimes, it just takes time. None of us here can tell you what to do.
You say he has been sober since April...that is just a drop in the bucket. If he continues on this path, maybe see how he is doing and how you are feeling after 1 year. You may like this newly sober person (if he keeps it up), you may not.
In the meantime, you can make your own plan and consult an attorney about your rights in a divorce if that is ultimately what you decide.
You say he has been sober since April...that is just a drop in the bucket. If he continues on this path, maybe see how he is doing and how you are feeling after 1 year. You may like this newly sober person (if he keeps it up), you may not.
In the meantime, you can make your own plan and consult an attorney about your rights in a divorce if that is ultimately what you decide.
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