Depressed today :(
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Depressed today :(
TOday has not been a good day for me. MY mind has constantly been tuned into the AXBF. Why would we miss these people when they treated us so bad?! I hate these thoughts n wished they would go away. He certaintly isn't thinking of me.
To thine own self be true.
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How long has it been? For me, it has been about two and a half months. It takes a while to get over a breakup, even when they don't treat us badly. The thing to do during this painful time is investigate yourself. Let the pain instruct you.
For me, a large part of what I have been going through since the breakup has been to come to terms with what has happened. That is difficult when the other person tells you nothing. So, it's rather like a big jigsaw puzzle that I am piecing together day by day. What brings me peace, I realize is validation of my feelings. When someone here on SR describes behaviors or circumstances that bring me peace, I know that my feelings are being validated. When I read something in a book that describes AXBF and the situation I was in, I feel validated. It's a learning process. The more I read, the more I understand, bit by bit, the more I am validated, and the more clues come to me about what I need to work on. For example, I realize I need to build self-esteem and learn assertiveness skills, because it seems that's how I got involved with yet another alcoholic addict.
For me, a large part of what I have been going through since the breakup has been to come to terms with what has happened. That is difficult when the other person tells you nothing. So, it's rather like a big jigsaw puzzle that I am piecing together day by day. What brings me peace, I realize is validation of my feelings. When someone here on SR describes behaviors or circumstances that bring me peace, I know that my feelings are being validated. When I read something in a book that describes AXBF and the situation I was in, I feel validated. It's a learning process. The more I read, the more I understand, bit by bit, the more I am validated, and the more clues come to me about what I need to work on. For example, I realize I need to build self-esteem and learn assertiveness skills, because it seems that's how I got involved with yet another alcoholic addict.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
How long has it been? For me, it has been about two and a half months. It takes a while to get over a breakup, even when they don't treat us badly. The thing to do during this painful time is investigate yourself. Let the pain instruct you.
For me, a large part of what I have been going through since the breakup has been to come to terms with what has happened. That is difficult when the other person tells you nothing. So, it's rather like a big jigsaw puzzle that I am piecing together day by day. What brings me peace, I realize is validation of my feelings. When someone here on SR describes behaviors or circumstances that bring me peace, I know that my feelings are being validated. When I read something in a book that describes AXBF and the situation I was in, I feel validated. It's a learning process. The more I read, the more I understand, bit by bit, the more I am validated, and the more clues come to me about what I need to work on. For example, I realize I need to build self-esteem and learn assertiveness skills, because it seems that's how I got involved with yet another alcoholic addict.
For me, a large part of what I have been going through since the breakup has been to come to terms with what has happened. That is difficult when the other person tells you nothing. So, it's rather like a big jigsaw puzzle that I am piecing together day by day. What brings me peace, I realize is validation of my feelings. When someone here on SR describes behaviors or circumstances that bring me peace, I know that my feelings are being validated. When I read something in a book that describes AXBF and the situation I was in, I feel validated. It's a learning process. The more I read, the more I understand, bit by bit, the more I am validated, and the more clues come to me about what I need to work on. For example, I realize I need to build self-esteem and learn assertiveness skills, because it seems that's how I got involved with yet another alcoholic addict.
It has been since April but we both have still been communicating whether it be through hanging out w each other or having sexual relations. It took me a while to get over the intimacy part. Right before he moved out we both talked about he n I having space n having a long distance relationship n c where that goes. But once he had all of his stuff out I realized he was blowing smoke up my arse. It was all manipulation. He never meant a word of it. When he moved out I saw a different side of him that I had never seen before so it was difficult for me to put the puzzle together. He would call n check up on me about every other day n still try to be a part of my life but that changed about 2 months ago. We haven't spoken in over a month and he emailed me last week to see if I wanted sex w him! I have never been in a relationship before like this so for me its much harder to comprehend.. When i was in my 20's i was w a man that worshiped the ground i walked on n we dated on n off for 10 years. I was used to being treated like a princess so I don't understand why I held on w the Xabf?
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For me I suppose it is the memories...The good n bad...BOth of our children were involved as well.. I had spoken to his daughter's mom whom the X also used n took advantage of n they were never married. But she told me when the X n I broke up that her daughter cried for a week straight. hearing this literally broke my heart because he doesn't care who he hurts not even his daughter to get what he wants. Deep down he knew I wasn't putting up w his immature crap n he couldn't pull the wool over my eyes anymore.
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I'm sorry you're depressed, I was not feeling well today either. I miss my axbf but I am not about to call him and grovel at his feet for more abuse. The answer to why they treat us so bad is they have a disease that makes them act selfish and mentally ill. You should try cutting off all contact with him and move on with your life. As for why you keep holding on to him, well that's an answer you need to figure out for yourself. People will treat us badly if we allow them to, it's up to you to set your boundaries as to what you will allow...
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I have broken up with my xabf so many times I can't even keep track anymore.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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This thread speaks to some of what you're feeling: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-divorce.html
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I'm sorry you're depressed, I was not feeling well today either. I miss my axbf but I am not about to call him and grovel at his feet for more abuse. The answer to why they treat us so bad is they have a disease that makes them act selfish and mentally ill. You should try cutting off all contact with him and move on with your life. As for why you keep holding on to him, well that's an answer you need to figure out for yourself. People will treat us badly if we allow them to, it's up to you to set your boundaries as to what you will allow...
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I'm sorry you're having a bad day
The more distance I put between me and my XABF's (I had 3 - slow learner) the better it got, but it still took time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The more distance I put between me and my XABF's (I had 3 - slow learner) the better it got, but it still took time.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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I never dated addicts, but I was the one addicted-- to love, or more what I thought love was supposed to be. Growing up in an alcoholic home, you learn that living crisis-to-crisis is normal. Abuse is normal. Codependency is normal. Breaking that and finding out what love is really supposed to be was HARD. It's unlearning all the bad and replacing it with good, which starts with yourself. Take this time to focus on you, learn about codependency and healthy boundaries. It gets easier to stay away with time. One day and then the next, and the next, and so on.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
I have broken up with my xabf so many times I can't even keep track anymore.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by willgethrough
It was hades when he moved out n I realized my worst fears came true! His true feelings for me were actually revealed. For me this was what hurt the most. I kept telling him throughout the relationship if he wanted out to go but don't lie or manipulate me. He kept telling me he wanted the relationship n wanted us to move forward. I trusted him lies n all... When he moved out all he wanted from me was sex. He didn't want to get back into a relationship n he clearly made that apparent. I kept giving in to the sex just cause i wanted to be close to him n wanted that connection like we use to have. Then afterwards he wouldn't call or try to get in touch..That is what hurt the most. This is what made it easier to go NC. He still owes me a lot of $ but I have to realize I will never get it back n just to let go.. It is hard because I gave so much to him during the relationship n spent n spent n he gave nothing. I was clueless. Today I am much more aware. I am aware I will never go down this path again..
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Were we dating the same guy? That was what the end of my last relationship before rock bottom looked like. No, you probably won't get the money back. I never did, and I just accepted that early on in my recovery. Addicts and other manipulators are really, really good at what they do.
YES they are! THey are masters of conning people n with my X he knew I was naive n a pushover. He told me once never to play poker. I never understood that comment until recently. I fear that he will never get better. He has parents that are huge enablers n he knows any time he gets into trouble they will always bail him out. He said to me a week ago that he hasn't drank but he is constantly smoking weed n taking whatever he can get his hands on. When he relasped last year (drinking rubbing alcohol) I always wondered if his family blamed it on me cause perhaps I was too hard n nagging all the time. I can't concern myself with these thoughts but they creep in.
Bunnies!
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Originally Posted by willgethrough
YES they are! THey are masters of conning people n with my X he knew I was naive n a pushover. He told me once never to play poker. I never understood that comment until recently. I fear that he will never get better. He has parents that are huge enablers n he knows any time he gets into trouble they will always bail him out. He said to me a week ago that he hasn't drank but he is constantly smoking weed n taking whatever he can get his hands on. When he relasped last year (drinking rubbing alcohol) I always wondered if his family blamed it on me cause perhaps I was too hard n nagging all the time. I can't concern myself with these thoughts but they creep in.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NJ
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I am about to be in your shoes..I am moving out of my apartment this weekend where I currently live with AXBF into my own new apartment that he will not be welcome in.
Right now, I am feeling excited, sad, scared, and exhilirated. I just wanted to share my excitement with you because I bet at one point you were looking forward to leaving as well. What did you look forward to doing once the A was out of your life?
For me, I look forward to not worrying or finding bottles of liquor/flasks stashed all over my home. I look forward to not having anxiety every time I come home late at night because of his unpredictable state. I look forward to not being manipulated into thinking that "I am the one doing this to our relationship".
I look forward to having friends over and not worrying that he is going to embarass me. I dont have to answer to him anymore. The A, who is reclusive and only wants to stay home and watch movies, will no longer dictate my social schedule. I can do anything/go anywhere I want. I can take music lessons. I could learn to play golf. I could go hiking! All things on the "maybe someday" list will get accomplished.
I know it is easier said than done, but try and remember the life you longed for when in the relationship for the A. And more importantly, make it happen!
Right now, I am feeling excited, sad, scared, and exhilirated. I just wanted to share my excitement with you because I bet at one point you were looking forward to leaving as well. What did you look forward to doing once the A was out of your life?
For me, I look forward to not worrying or finding bottles of liquor/flasks stashed all over my home. I look forward to not having anxiety every time I come home late at night because of his unpredictable state. I look forward to not being manipulated into thinking that "I am the one doing this to our relationship".
I look forward to having friends over and not worrying that he is going to embarass me. I dont have to answer to him anymore. The A, who is reclusive and only wants to stay home and watch movies, will no longer dictate my social schedule. I can do anything/go anywhere I want. I can take music lessons. I could learn to play golf. I could go hiking! All things on the "maybe someday" list will get accomplished.
I know it is easier said than done, but try and remember the life you longed for when in the relationship for the A. And more importantly, make it happen!
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Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((willgetthrough)) - My XABF's always found new enablers in no time. Heck, the first one had 2 other gf's when I was committed to him for 20 years and I accepted it as I thought I couldn't LIVE without him. I heard, from a mutual friend a few months ago, that he married one of the girls.
At first, my mind went straight codie - why didn't he marry ME, what was wrong with ME? I came here, posted about it and dealt with the thoughts. It wasn't long until I was shaking my head - there was nothing wrong with me, other than I was a bit less codie than the one he married (okay a LOT less codie, and I was raging, so that gives you an idea of how she was). I realized that I had changed and he wouldn't be able to HANDLE the "me" I am today because the first time he said "if you don't like it you can leave" I'd be saying "see ya!" instead of turning into an emotional mess and trying to get on his good side again.
He still occasionally comes to mind but I've now discovered I have absolutely NO vested interest and his wife can have him. I was telling the mutual friend how I always wanted to "fix" him and she and her daughter laughed and said "oh trust us, he's STILL not fixed".
It takes time, but you truly can come out on the other side a better person because of what you've been through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
At first, my mind went straight codie - why didn't he marry ME, what was wrong with ME? I came here, posted about it and dealt with the thoughts. It wasn't long until I was shaking my head - there was nothing wrong with me, other than I was a bit less codie than the one he married (okay a LOT less codie, and I was raging, so that gives you an idea of how she was). I realized that I had changed and he wouldn't be able to HANDLE the "me" I am today because the first time he said "if you don't like it you can leave" I'd be saying "see ya!" instead of turning into an emotional mess and trying to get on his good side again.
He still occasionally comes to mind but I've now discovered I have absolutely NO vested interest and his wife can have him. I was telling the mutual friend how I always wanted to "fix" him and she and her daughter laughed and said "oh trust us, he's STILL not fixed".
It takes time, but you truly can come out on the other side a better person because of what you've been through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by willgethrough
Hi Impurrrfect, I never ever want to go through this emotional roller coaster again..THis is why I have decided to stay relationship free for a year or more! What makes me sad however, is the XABF has already went back on his dating sites n looking for more victims! REALLY! That showed me right there I meant nothing to him n he could care less about the relationship we had.
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Remember that whatever another person does or doesn't do doesn't in any way reflect what YOUR value is as a woman or a human being.
You are valuable and worthy of love.
From somebody who knows to appreciate you.
You are valuable and worthy of love.
From somebody who knows to appreciate you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
I have broken up with my xabf so many times I can't even keep track anymore.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
Each time was the same. He still wanted to know me. Still wanted to be friends. Still needed me in his life.
But, it never worked that way. As long as the connection was there and feelings, hanging around each other always ended up with us having sex then getting back together.
For me, it was just a matter of the right issue to finally say I was done, and that was I found out he'd cheated on me with his xgf and had been lying to my face about a bunch of things.
It was easier at first when I had lots of anger, but as the anger left my need for him came back. I can feel the addiction to him, the chaos, the drama. And, I can feel the withdrawal symptoms from not being around him. It's been a hard few weeks and i have good days and bad.
I try to use lots of distracting techniques. I find I'm more susceptible to thinking about him when I'm tired or not feeling good so I try not to let that affect me. And, I found that by focusing on me and my future, it leaves me little time to give a crap about where he is or what he's doing.
I am hoping NC will be the key to finally breaking the pattern I've gotten myself into. I keep playing with the same tactics I've used in the past and as long as I do I will continue to get the same results. Which is him back in my life in some way, shape or form.
It's hard to go NC, let go and move forward. It's scary as hell actually. But, I think once you get past a certain point it becomes easier.
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