Sobersunshine

Hi. I've been sober for 6 days. I've been trying to quit for a long time, did so a couple times in the past few years but it only lasted a couple weeks. I didn't do the work, didn't go to AA, thought I could just drink normally, etc. anyway, this time I really want it to stick, and I will do whatever it takes. I'm in AA, I have a counselor, am seeing my dr. regularly, and I'm on SR of course.
I had planned to stop over the long weekend last week, and I had taken two additional days off (tues and wed) to withdraw with the aid of a benzo prescribed by my dr. (who I told about my alcoholism). I did plan to go to the hospital if things got too bad. (fortunately they didn't.)
Well I went to a friends and got drunk on fri nite. Fel crappy the next day so drank more. Felt even worse the next day, drank. Monday comes and I am disgusted with myself for not going through with my plan, so of course I drink. 375ml of rye and several beers. At midnight I am lying on my bedroom floor, dizzy, depressed, scared, crying, hugging my dogs and apologizing for being such a bad caretaker to them and coming home and drinking instead of talking them for walks. I am a complete mess. I feel like I will never be able to change and I will always be a drunk and eventually I will die from this. Dark dark place.
So I called my boyfriend. (we have been dating for about a year. Hes basically a good guy. He drinks, but I don't think he's an alcoholic. He binge drinks tho. So maybe, but that's not really for me to decide.) he comes over, holds me, I tell him everything,mthat I'm an alcoholic, I need to stop. He tells me I can do it and he'll be supportive. He stays with me overnight.
The next morning I feel HORENDOUS. Major panic attacks, pounding heart, feeling of impending doom. Feelings that alcohol could take away.... Fortunately I was out of rye but I did have some beer left. I took a beer out of the fridge and opened it. I stared at it for a long time with my pounding heart. Then I took out the bottle of benzos my dr. gave me. I had to make the choice, beer or the benzo. I chose the benzo and put the beer back. The benzo helped a little but it was an awful day. But I didn't drink. I haven't had a drink since that horrible night.
Sorry this is getting so long..... Anyway, back to the bf. he went to work that day. He works 5 minutes from where I live. He practically has to pass my house on his way home. (he lives about 20 minutes from me.). Well, he asked to me to go lunch that day (day one of sobriety). I said I wasn't up to it. This was via text. He texted me a couple more times to check on me but didn't call or stop by.
Same thing the next day, and for the rest of the week. No phone calls, or visits, just texts. He did offer encouragement and said he was proud of me, and that he wouldn't drink around me. W did talk on the phone a couple days ago but then he said he and to go. He did invite me over to his place yesterday but I was getting ready to go to my first AA meeting so I said I couldn't. He just texted me nowat 2pm to see how the meeting went.
So I don't want to be too hard on him but I have to admit I am a bit disappointed in his lackluster support. I think he is trying. I know he loves me. Maybe he doesn't know how hard withdrawal and getting sober is. I am fairly new in this town. My family is 2000 miles away, I only have one friend here that knows about my alcoholism, although I do have other friends. But still, not a huge support system. My bf I was hoping could be more supportive. I mean I wasn't expecting a parade but maybe flowers, a visit? I know I'm trying to make him something he's not. And it's hard for me to ask for what I need. Sigh. I think this relationship may be over. I thought my drinking was hurting the relationship and I'm sure it was, but now with sober eyes I am beginning to see that this may not be the guy for me. He's not terribly affectionate, almost never says I love you (I say it), rarely initiates sex (but is ok with it if I do) , and seems to want to please his friends and family more than he ever wants to please me.
Plus, like I said, he's a drinker and most things we did involved alcohol....
Well, sorry for the long, rambling story. Just feeling a little disappointed. In the not-so-distant past, when he disappointed me, I drank. Well I'm not going to do that!
And he is a good guy, I don't want to bash him. And he's very busy right now. As well as working a regular job in town, he farms, and it's harvest time. Thoughts, advice, appreciated. Thanks for listening.

SoberForMySon

I think he sounds pretty good actually, but I would guess he has NO idea what a big deal and how hard this is. You probably did like I did and never let on how bad it was, and even appeared normal to him. Just my guess. I would talk to him.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't know what to do so he's been keeping his distance a bit. Have you tried explaining to him what kind of support you need? More importantly what are you going to do for yourself, can you find a support group somewhere nearby?

Huey

He's probably quite frightened by your alcoholic admission. Perhaps it feels a little 'close to home', that can be worrying for a binge drinker.

Sobersunshine

Thanks guys for the insight. I hope I didnt come across as sounding too much like a witch. I haven't exactly been the best gf this past year, and he's stayed with me. SFMS that's sounds exactly right, what you said. I hid it well! He had no idea how much I was really drinking. Zigggy, yes I'm getting outside help in AA. Huey, yes, that could be true. I will talk to him more about what I'm going through and what specifically he can do to help. Sorry for the whining.mthanks again.

sugarbear1

My boyfriend was living with me, by 15 days of sobriety, I wanted him out of here! My personal journey of recovery is mine and he was kinda in the way. We stopped seeing each other for about 6 months, although I ran into him here and there.

I needed time to focus on me and my program of recovery. Emotionally, I am very immature, which can really wreck a relationship.

We are still together today and things are a bit different, and better. He's not one of us. He won't drink in front of me, and the day he had bought some, he hid it under something in the car so I wouldn't even see it! I guess that is supportive.

Sometimes a break is needed, at least I needed one.

I can't speak for you, this is just my experience.

The women in AA helped me a lot!!!!