DesperadoBlond

After a longer period of constant relapsing I experienced the worst withdrawals of my life. I was more or less completely paralyzed by horrible anxiety. Even now, on day 5, I experience the kind of paranoia and anxiety that I used to deal with daily when I was drinking a fifth of vodka a day (and then some), like a year ago from today.

Back then I didn't realize that my anxiety got worse from drinking.

I've always been a person who's been plagued by anxiety and insecurity. For a while, drinking red wine on the lunch hours (and then more in the evening) made me feel juuuuuust perfect. I didn't believe the people who told me it was no long term fix.

Obviously my whole life got more or less messed up and I lost most things of my own (apartment, job, health(?)).

These last few days, I have finally been feeling like I am ready to try and tackle my anxiety issues from another angle. I'm trying to maintain a list of things that bring me anxiety and then I try to figure out ways to eliminate them as far as possible from my life.

I am almost 30 and I have a profound desire to get off this crazy rollercoaster I've spent almost 10 years on. I'm usually very bad with long term fix kind of things. I get bored and don't keep doing the right things if they have to be done in small steps that don't immediately lead to something.

I guess what I'm missing right now is still "an action plan to keep me from relapsing". I've been doing urge surfing for the past couple of days and it's been working well.

DesperadoBlond

On a lighter note, I was also kind of shocked back into reality when I realised that I am going to have to get botox and lipo and fillers in my face very soon if I keep up the drinking. Even after a couple of beers my face looks bloated.

Don't want to see any pics like that ever again.

Sapling

I'm only speaking for myself here.....But for me that list was short. Alcohol was the only thing on it.

DesperadoBlond

Hi Sapling!

Happy that eliminating alcohol for you was the solution to your anxiety.

I, on the other hand, have always been dealing with all kinds of severe anxiety. I know it's not all about the alcohol, because I had abnormal anxiety before I ever started drinking.

Either way, I am suddenly feeling capable of trying to address my bouts of anxiety from a different angle. Most of the worst stuff I was so scared of has already happened.

Sapling

Have you talked to a doctor about it?

DesperadoBlond

Spoke to a psychiatrist about it. His conclusion was really that I need to work on my self confidence. His advice was for me to start imagining (on a daily basis) what my life would be like without the anxiety I so frequently experience.

I've moved to a different country since and here getting to speak to a psychiatrist is much more complicated. Takes months to get to one. I tried to get on the wait list but the doctor thought I was not in need of any help.

Sapling

The thing that really helped me was working the steps of AA.....I was so loaded with fear that it was crippling for me....And those steps address that. I got done taking a good honest look at myself.....I came to realise that fear was the biggest contributer to my drinking. I'm not saying AA is for you....Or it's the only way....But it sure worked for me.

Hevyn

Hi Desperado. I was the same way, with the anxiety - all my life. I'm much older than you - and I never realized there was a connection between the drinking & my emotional state. I assumed it was helping me to relax, but it was actually preventing me from dealing with my issues and trying to fix them. I just masked everything.

It's so good that you're taking a look at your feelings & what their cause might be. I just poured alcohol on my troubles, with disastrous results. I'd love to go back to 30 and do it differently. Proud of you for taking this step. You will make it.

hypochondriac

You sound like me DB I wanted immediate results too, even quitting drinking I thought should fix everything more or less straight away! I had to let go of that to stop me from going insane. Just take each day as it comes and do what you have to do to stay sober. I mix up the long term plans with the short term ones to stop myself getting frustrated. Have you looked into support yet?

Regarding anxiety... I'm a few years older than you and I was absolutely shocked that my anxiety was getting worse as I got older! I was socially awkward as a child and painfully shy and all that but in my late 20s I was getting daily panic attacks, vertigo, dizzy spells, a whole load of anxiety related health problems... I was bordering on agoraphobic towards the end. I stopped doing a lot of stuff because I didn't feel safe unless I was at home drinking. It was all alcohol. I didn't really need to stop doing all those things that seemed to bring on panic attacks, I just needed to stop drinking!

Sapling

Exactly....I always thought drinking was calming me down when all it was doing was throwing gas on the fire.

DesperadoBlond

Hi Hevyn!

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

Yes, I too just poured alcohol on my anxiety (and yes, it was there before I ever started drinking). For a long while it did feel like 3/4 of a bottle of red wine a day was a good way of keeping my anxiety at bay. But we all know how it goes, you keep needing to drink more and more...

I too have hopes for things working out better this time. I've always been very stubborn and I do have a hard time believing what other people tell me is best for me. This time, suddenly, the desire to do something different comes from myself...

Sapling

MMMmmmm.....Where have I heard that?

DesperadoBlond

Hi!

Yeah, sounds just like me! Awkward/shy child and youth. Then I found alcohol in my early 20's. Towards the end of my twenties it got so bad I hid in my apartment. Scared of people knocking on my door, too paranoid to listen to my voicemail, could only make it out the door to go buy more wine...

Maybe I finally got to a point where I am getting older and wiser?

DesperadoBlond

Heard that being said many times, but I guess I chose to ignore it and didn't really believe it either because I know I had anxiety attacks before.

DesperadoBlond

The panic attacks are the worst. I was just promoted to a great job (I was still a heavy drinker at the time) and that's when panic attacks set in on top of a whole lot of other stressful things.

Sapling

This describes me to the T....I could have written it...Just replace wine with beer. Speaking for myself....It wasn't that I was getting older or wiser....It was that I had absolutely no control over alcohol....As Bill W. said in the Big Book....Which also described me to the T.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

pg 8 bb

Sapling

I'm going to say one more thing to you DesperadoBlond....I think it is awesome that you are looking at this at 30....I should have....But I drank another 20 years after that....If I could get one thing through that stubborn head of yours.....It would be this....If you keep drinking it will get worse....I can promise you that....It cost me everything and almost killed me.

Michelle76

Once again, I am hearing My story. Thank You so much. Seeing these posts are giving me strength right now to keep going forward so my sanity can be restored!!!

ivehadenoughnow

I think the drinking can cause much of these issues with some people but not all. I think shy away from social situations much more if I run into someone in the grocery store with a hangover the next morning than with a clear head. My face will blush for no reason, and I just don't like it. I'm not awkward by any means but I do get embarrassed quite easily followed by blushing. I think I'm incredibly self-conscious about it which is why I became a master at selling via the phone.

sugarbear1

I stopped drinking and was full of anxiety. I made it to 12 days and I wanted to hurt me or someone else very badly. I had been attending AA meetings and heard a woman speak, spoke with her after the meeting on a Friday (I really wanted to run out of the room then) and she set aside Sunday and Monday and guided me through the steps. Those steps removed my anxiety and my obsession to drink. Days 14 & 15 and I am now at almost 16 months of sobriety. I suggest working those 12 steps.

It was how I gained self-confidence.

I really wish you well on your sober journey!

Love & hugs,