oooriotgrrrl

Fell off the wagon tonight. Went to a festival in my city, everyone around me had a beer in hand. I was full of anxiety and boredom, shaking my bottle of water back and forth.

Ended up @ a techno bar that I've frequented in the past. The place where I've drank more than I should and got carried away with substances I shouldn't have.

As soon as I sat at the bar, my old friend and bartender poured me a shot...and I took it. Then I ordered a cocktail, then a beer, then another cocktail. Then...I contacted my dealer.

I'm ashamed. I have to "start over," again. Failure. I was almost at 28 days.

I've only been going to 1 AA meeting a week and have yet to find a sponsor. I know what I need to do.

Crazy ass question - has this happened to any of you? How did you frame the relapse in your mind, to make sense of it and move on?

It wasn't even worth it. I'm afraid that I just don't know who I am without partying, I've created an entire identity around it and has shaped how I define myself - for better and worse.

instant

You have 28 days out of 29 clean. Not a bad average. Sounds live you caved then went for it. How would you approach iy differently if you had your time again??

boredom , and feeling left out led me bad so many times. They are uncomfortable but harmless.

hypochondriac

Sorry to hear that riotgrrrl

To be honest I tried enough times to stop drinking without changing my lifestyle that when it came to making a serious attempt I knew that wasn't going to work. I'm not saying you can't go to festivals anymore, just until you are sure that if someone puts a drink down in front of you that you're not going to drink it. Any social event I had to go to in the first 3 months was excruciatingly difficult. Now not so much. It is hard changing habits so there is no shame in making it easy on yourself x

MrsKing

Don't beat yourself up about this or make yourself feel guilty. Try not to dwell on it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take a look at what you're doing for your sobriety and consider what needs changing or adding to make it easier for you.

Maybe now is not the right time to be heading out to bars where drinking is all too familiar and is expected of you. I'm not saying that you'll never be able to do that (I find it fine now, at five months) but for now perhaps it's best to choose social activities that involve no alcohol.

What are you doing at the moment to aid your sobriety? Going to AA is a good idea. You may also want to check out other methods just to get an idea of what fits for you. AVRT is one that I and many others here use. If you fancy checking it out, there's a crash course online.

Please don't think you're a failure - you're not. Today is a new day and you CAN do this.

All the best x

Sapling

Hey oooriotgrrrl....You know the deal. I'm at 14 months sober right now....What I had to do was stay away from certain people, places and things/situations for the first six months....I'd been drinking a lot of years and I needed the tools to be able to deal with those. You got it...Up the meetings...I committed to doing 90 meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor to take me through the steps as soon as I could. You're not a failure....Maybe you just weren't done yet....For me to be willing to make this work...I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink....The gifts this program have given me blow my mind everyday....Life saving and life changing.

Pondlady

Start again....stay with us. You don't have to visit those places from your past where you drank and drugged.....you can visit fresh new places Start again...stay with us.

oooriotgrrrl

Thanks, everyone. I'm still here. I'm not giving up on myself.

MrsKing, I'm going to look more into AVRT - fascinating concept.

doublej

i can so relate to that. Realize that there are many parts of you that don't rely on alcohol to be special. They are the real you, the stronger, better you ... I had to identify those parts of myself, and build my new identity around that. You might find that it's easy to do, because those are the best parts of you!

I was the life of the party, or thought i was, and that so much of my persona hinged upon me drinking. The more i dried out and had some clarity, i realized that I could still be funny, still entertain friends, still engage in meaningful conversation, etc. Am probably much better at all of things actually. I saw that I was still in there, and you are too.

Just pick yourself up and get back at it, you had it beat for a month and will again. You know now that you can do it. Best of luck

bjames

I had about the same amount of time when I relapsed back in July. Only I turned it into DAYS of drinking like a fool, becoming worse than ever. You're smart to get help NOW!

ivehadenoughnow

Well then! Its not all bad! You get to join the September Class of 2012 Riot! With all due respect to the other classes I think we pretty much rock! I've started and stopped many times. If there is one thing I've learned through that process, or even through things like exercise is that if I mess up or have a bad day I don't throw in the towel and say, "oh the hell with it." You scored a 96.5% on the last 29 days on your exam and that ain't bad. Don't make it an excuse to flunk out of school if you know what I mean.

Huey

Try and stop putting yourself in drinking situations. If you keep going to the hairdressers you'll always end up getting your hair cut.

freshstart57

OooRiotGrrl, AVRT was the answer for me, it told me that I could take responsibility for my drinking, and responsibility for my sobriety, too.

It won't do a thing for you without a dead solid commitment from you to stop this, and the commitment to do whatever you need to do to make this happen.
AVRT teaches you to set off the alarm, flashing lights and sirens when that shot is placed in front of you, but it will do no more than that, it won't stop you from picking it up and dumping it down your neck. You have to do that part.

auden67

Good, don't give up! I worried too about who would I be without the partying? Truth is, some of that I had to and am figuring out. But, I will say that the vast majority of my friends and family probably like me more now, and I am 100% a better friend and family member. Lifestyle is just the way we live our lives. My lifestyle used to be partying, and now its not. I'm still myself.

But, I'll tell you right now, stay out of bars where they know your name until you are good and confident in your resolve. I use the AVRT themes of I will not drink and I won't change my mind. I gave up the idea that maybe I could go back to drinking. My brain is differently wired due to too much booze, and now I've got to deal with that. But if you don't have that resolve locked down, then AVOID those shot-pushers and familiar old treads.

Many of us have voids to fill, but booze just runs right through! No matter how much you drink, it won't fill you up or make you whole.

Prettynoose

I screwed up last night too. I was almost at three weeks. Now it's back to square one and I feel worse than ever.

I have no good reason to drink, just a compulsion that I can't shake.

Gabriel

Well, I understand what you are going through. Last Thursday, despite my attempts to not drink, I fell off the wagon. IT was my mother's birthday and I could not give her a sober one. She doesn't even drink but one thing I have learned from all of this is that 1) I don't like the post-panick attacks after drinking and 2) My identity has to change to accompany sobriety.

Much like you and others here, my identity was formed around my drinking. People who use to call me to come to parties would probably be shocked if I told them I was an alcoholic or that I don't/can't drink anymore. The way I am putting this into perspective is 1) I'm tired of writing in my journal, looking back to the same date a year or two prior, and seeing no change 2) This is really hurting me and others around me 3) I have been sober, long enough to realize that I enjoy living a sober life and when I drink nothing but pain comes out of it. When I am sober, my frustrations are at a low point, I don't regret not being able to remember things and I know it's for the better.

I, too, miss going to festivals but I just cannot put myself into spots where I know my triggers are going to be set off. Don't give up! I'm glad you're not...I'm not...and get to some more meetings. Much like you, I know what I need to do but in all honesty, drinking is no longer fun for me.

All the best,

~G.

2granddaughters

Sounds like your night out has made you more aware.

Alcoholism is out to kill me... make me suffer horrendous pain then kill me.

AA saved my life. It will save your as well.

We have a member of Detroit's "Sober Soldier Group" coming to speak in a week or two.

All the best.

Bob R

oooriotgrrrl

You all are so awesome. I'm so grateful for this forum and to have AA. I went to a meeting tonight and got numbers from a couple of women. Until I find a sponsor, I'm going to call as many of these ladies as I can.

I'm not giving up! Hugs and kisses to you all. Thank you.

Sapling

Good for you...You never know...You might have the number of your sponsor on that list you have. Keep coming back!

Orbea

Good luck!

I must ask...why do you still have your dealer's contact info? Delete it!

IndaMiricale

People and Places Huge in the beginning of my sobriety..

Good news is you realize and picked yourself right up.. Call those women and just be open minded to all of it. I love my AA life , am ever so grateful today for it.

I go almost every day and have for a 1 1/2. I need the saftey and comfort.

Keep going and keep growing..