Cheese33

I'm brand new here and this is very hard for me to talk about. My husband is an alcoholic. I've known that for a while. I thought if I loved him enough and supported him enough, things would get better...but my life has been nothing but a roller coaster for the last two years. I'll start from the beginning to give you some history.

My husband and I met online just over two years ago. He was perfect...I had never in my life been so happy. I had been divorced from my previous husband for two years before we met. My new husband and I fell hard and fast in love and within a month were living together, engaged two months after that, then married a year after getting engaged. We he was first coming over and I offered him a drink, he turned it down. Coming from a family with a lot of alcoholism (Uncles, Grandfather, Grandfathers brothers...almost every male on that side of family) I had a warning bell go off in my head. I nicely asked him why...if there was something I should know...? I would not have turned away from him knowing he was a recovering alcoholic, but if he was I didn't want to drink in front of him. He assured me there was no problem, he just didn't drink. About a month after we got together he told me he has a criminal record...that he'd had a very violent like so far and had only been out after an assault charge for four months. That surprised me, but I am not going to judge a person because of their past...I knew he wanted to get away from that life and change his life around.

I enjoy having a glass of wine now and then and he knew that...so the night we got engaged he suggested getting a bottle of wine to celebrate. I felt a little weird...that bell was going off again...but he made it sound like he was wanting to do something for me, and I'm sure he truly thought he was. Things were still going good...but the we started sharing a bottle of wine more and more...then hard stuff and beer when we had company. He always needed me near him...we did everything together. In bed he couldn't go to sleep unless some part of his body touching me...even if it was his hand against my leg. He was also very jealous of any male friends that I had and would get very upset if he knew I'd been on MSN or someone had texted me. We started fighting...bad fights. His mood would change instantly and he'd go from being happy to screaming at me...his temper through the roof. I call it his 0-100 (referring to speed). I started to find empty cases of beer hidden places like closets (under stuff), behind stuff in the garage, and in the window well behind the house under something else. Money would be missing a lot because it "fell out of his pocket". I should mention here that he likes to go to one of the local sports bars to drink and play on lotto machines there...especially when he's angry. We ended up having to move from where we were because of being late on rent too many times.

We had a wedding coming up and I just chalked his drinking up to the stress of that along with the stress of my kids meeting his...etc. Only my two youngest (then 9 and 14) were living with us. We fought a lot over that because I saw him pulling away from his kids that he was just starting to get to know since he'd been gone out of their lives for about 7-8 years. He'd been drinking and started screaming at me that all the problems in the world today are because of single mothers that feel too bad to discipline their children etc...we got into it pretty good since I'd been a single mom for the past two years. He ended up shoving me, catching my chin at the same time and whipping my head back. I ended up with a sprained neck and was off work for two weeks. One night around that time he threw a container of fish food at me that missed and hit the wall...hard enough to dent it.

I tried to get him to see that the only time he lost his temper or we fought was if he'd been drinking...even if it was only a couple of beer.

He lost his job because of his temper, I found out later he was drinking before work. He was off work for a few months and kept drinking as long as there was money in the bank. Utilities were not being paid, rent bouncing. We got in a fight one night about how it wasn't fair the pressure that was on me to be supporting everyone by working at a job that was making me miserable...but couldn't leave because I was only one with income. He went out looking and had a job within a few days. We found a new place to live and he was out of money to drink since he had just started at new place. Things seemed to be getting better, his drinking and our fighting not too bad...for just over a month. Then he got angry and pushed me again...I fell on the metal door frame, ending up with a completely black bruise that litterally was a foot long and 6 inches wide on my butt. He helped me up and apologized over and over. The wedding was just over a month later and across the country. I was really worried that he would get drunk in front of my family and lose it over my mother who he clashed with.

After we got home, the drinking started again soon as there was money coming in...he hadn't drank in a couple weeks cause all our money had gone for the trip. He was drinking between 6-8 beer before work and up to 12 after. He at this time started to get involved again with a chat site he'd been an admin with before. He lost his temper at work and quit...trying to teach them that he knew more about job than them and expected to be catered to to be begged back. I got home from work and saw an msn screen open with a girls picture I didn't recognize. I nicely asked him who he was talking to and he lost it on me screaming. Before I knew it I was up against the door with his hand around my throat. He stormed upstairs and I went after him trying to calm him down...he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed.

It became very clear to me that he was not going to stop drinking. I was feeling very low...He had no place else to go that I could drop him off at and I couldn't afford to move. New years eve he told me that when he was done what he had he was going to quit. He said that he knew his drinking was not a good thing and that it needed to stop. He decided to try champix to stop drinking and smoking both. He was doing very well, no fighting, but he was also still off work and had no money. That lasted for two months until he got a job out of town. He did good until his first pay...then he was late calling me and I had suspicions. I checked his bank account (which he gave me numbers for but doesn't know I do) and saw that he'd been to the liquor store. My heart fell through my feet. He was gone for a month and then got home one night before I got home from work. I could tell that he'd been drinking. A few days later he went to get a case of beer and got mad at me because it upset me.

He was off work for almost 5 months after that...except for 3 weeks that he worked until he got angry and quit. During this time he got more and more involved in this chat room and talking to a fellow admin...a woman. He was drinking at least a 24 of beer a day at this point, before I would get home at 7. I started to get worried about what he was talking to this other woman about since I know how his mind tends to migrate to the perverted side when drinking. I went on his computer and read his msn...thinking that I would find out that it really was just about site stuff and I could stop worrying. Well...I read him telling this woman that he'd had a thing for her years ago and now they had a second chance to flirt, that he hopes she dreams of him, intimate details about our sex life...I could go on. When I got up the courage to confront him (scared of his temper) he said it didn't matter cause she lives in australia and us in canada. We came very close to breaking up over the next few weeks because of the fighting, him screaming at me over irrelevant things, calling me stupid and f&#^ed in the head cause I didn't see he was right as usual...he came to give me something he'd picked up for me, started fighting again, then grabbed the mattress I was laying on flipping it up and sending me flying, the next night cuffing me upside the head.

I wrote him a letter before I left for work that day telling him that enough was enough. This was not fair to me and was not fair to him...that one of us had to leave before I ended up getting hurt. I was going to give it to him when I got home. After I got home from work he was a different person...he told me that he knew the drinking was out of control. He said that he wasnt going to cash his final pay cheque yet cause he didn't want me to be stressed at work that he was drinking. I was hopeful but sceptical at the same time...had he finally realized that this was destroying our marriage?

It lasted for a week and a half. I got home and could tell he'd been drinking, but knew it wasn't beer. Beer seems to be what makes him into the angry abusive mr. hyde. I could smell the vodka. For the new few weeks he would pick up a 40 oz bottle and drink it within a day while I was at work, two days at the most. I didn't know what to do...obviously he was still drinking and hiding the bottles in the garage, but it wasn't making him as angry as the beer. I thought maybe when he money ran out and he had no choice...that maybe he was trying to quit slowly.

No drinking at all for a month and a half...he had no money either. On his birthday he finally got hired at a new place...so he decided to take money from my account and buy a 6-pack to celebrate. After all, it was his birthday. When he picked me up from work, he came clean right away...told me that it had tasted awful because he felt so guilty about it. He said that he knew he shouldn't even have that first one cause he knows he can't stop once he starts...said it wouldn't happen again.

That was a week and a half ago. Today was his first pay from the new job. He got home about three hours before I did. Soon as I walked in I could tell just by his voice when he said hello...I didn't need to smell the vodka on his breath or check the bank account to confirm my suspicion.

Sorry so long...but I needed to explain the up and down of our history. I love this man very much, but do not like him when he is drinking at all. I am scared of him when he's drunk. I don't give up easily and want to support him...but I cannot handle going though the abuse and the screaming being told how stupid I am again. I used to be an easy going, dance in the living room kind of girl but now I'm just sad all the time.

What do I do? How do I help him?

NWGRITS

Welcome to SR, Cheese33! First of all, there's nothing you can do to help him, really. The only thing you CAN do is get to Al-Anon and start taking care of yourself and your kids. An A is going to do what an A is going to do regardless of what YOU do. Educate yourself on alcoholism. Then, with that and the help of Al-Anon (and individual therapy, if your insurance covers it), figure out if it's worth it to you to stay. Seeing what I do above, I'd say to cut your losses and run. Protect those poor children from the toxicity that is living in an alcoholic home. But only you can make that decision.

willgethrough

RUN as fast as you can! This person is physically n mentally abusing you! YOu have your children that need you! This man is wearing you down n taking your soul down w him....The abuse will not stop....IT WON'T! Your children deserve a healthy, happy environment n not one with so much toxicity!

seek

Yep. He's an alcoholic.

Hopefully you did not marry him yet.

I hate to think about what your kids have witnessed.

android1

Start making a getaway plan now. He is putting you in physical danger, all it takes is one time to hit you and he could do permanent damage. Get him out of the house and get a restraining order.

Yoy can't love him out of it and you can't talk him out of it. And the more you try to the crazier you will get! It will continue to drain you physically, emotionally, and spiritualy.

Cheese33

Unfortunately with him being off work so long I have used up almost all of my savings that he didn't know about. I can't afford to leave, but I can't afford this place during the winter on just my wages.

I know deep down that I should leave, but what keeps me here is how I feel when he's beside me when he's sober. I do love him very very much...sometimes I wish I didn't cause then leaving would be easy.

He has never done anything around the kids...he's careful about that at least. They go to their father's every weekend so he saves his blowouts for then.

I was thinking of writing him a letter...saying this is it...either the drinking and flirting online is OVER and we go to MC or one of us is leaving. Writing it out gives me the chance to think more about wording and not standing in front of him bawling like I've been known to do...

NWGRITS

Read Codependent No More. You can write all the letters you want and it's not going to change anything. Trying to treat an A like a normal person is futile, because they don't think like normal people do. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's only going to get worse. Before long, that person you love when he's sober will cease to exist, and you're already in physical danger. Talk to someone you trust and start working on a plan to get out. If not for yourself, than for your kids. They deserve so much better than this.

suki44883

He doesn't have to do anything in front of the kids for them to know things aren't right. Children are like little sponges; they absorb everything. Problem is, they have no way to release all that absorption because they are so young. Please read some of the posts over on the ACOA forum. It isn't pretty. Growing up in an alcoholic home causes problems that will be with them for years after they are on their own.

The fact that he has already been physically abusive to you on more than one occasion is cause for me to strongly suggest that you get out as soon as you can. It doesn't matter how nice it feels when he lays next to you and when he is being sweet. That is a fantasy. The real him is the abusive asshat who wants to drink.

Do you have any family around where you can go? I'm sure they have something in your area like a Domestic Violence Center where they can help you and your children get away from him. No one deserves to be slapped around, cuffed upside the head, tossed off a mattress or shoved into walls and doors. Your home should be the one place you can go and not be afraid. I sincerely hope you will do whatever is necessary to get yourself and your children out of there.

lillamy

Big hugs to you. I was there. For many years. I thought my love, my prayers, my devotion, my loyalty, could save him. I might as well have tried to love cancer away.

When I thought about leaving, all I saw was impossibilities. I didn't have the money. He'd hire an expensive lawyer and take the kids. Etc., etc., etc. For me, in retrospect, all that meant was that... I didn't want to leave badly enough. Yet.

When I finally did make up my mind to leave, things became ugly in a hurry. I had planned on saving up some money, looking for a place to move to, packing in secret, etc. About a month after I made up my mind, he had noticed the difference and became violent toward me. And I left. With the kids, the clothes on my back, and whatever I could grab going out the door.

My AXH had had no prior convictions. No run-ins with the law. And yet, he got to a point in his alcoholism where his judgment was so off he threatened to kill me. I'm not telling you what to do, but I would be concerned with a person who has prior violent behavior, that the hurdle toward going there again might be lower than it was for my AXH. And he went there.

Losing everything you have is better than losing your life. I know it sounds dramatic and unreal to see it that way, but that was the choice I ended up having to make. I got some of what I lost back in the divorce -- but it took a very long time. But my children and I are alive. And that's what really counts. If you had asked me two hours before I drove away if my AXH would ever become violent, I would have said a definite no. It happened terribly quickly. And in retrospect, I wish the kids (and I) wouldn't have had to live through that terror. I wish I had left earlier.

That's my story.

CeciliaV

^This! I'm still trying to learn this lesson myself, but there's nothing that a spouse or loved one can do to make an A stop drinking. That's up to them.

And let me get this straight...he was the one that hurt you and put his hands around your throat, and you went after him to calm *him*? I hate to say it, but short of a miracle turnaround, you need to leave this abusive man. My advice here is to find a safe place for you and your children to go, whether that be a friend's or family member's house or short-term rental. Follow the advice of others here & make a getaway plan. Keep a bag stashed so you can get out on short notice if you need to. Keep your important financial documents together with your getaway stash so you can grab those quickly, too. Start socking away a few bucks here & there as best you can...it will add up. If you need to and if you can, get a short term second job so you can speed up funding a new place on the fly. It will be hard, but if you keep your and your children's safety in your mind as a goal, it will make it a bit easier to get through.

I'm not sure where you are in Canada, but I did a quick googling of 'abused women resources in Canada" and I got oodles of hits. There's shelters, temporary housing, support groups, financial assistance, etc. If you're in the GTA, there's the Violence Against Women subset of Family Services Toronto, and they have a long listing of resources here.

Get to planning, get to saving, get to safety. Sending you hugs and strength.

Learn2Live

Please leave. Please get away from this person. I lost count but I think you have described no less than SIX times he has assaulted you. The alcohol did not make him assault you, HE did. Please understand that these feelings of love you have for this person who assaults you are misplaced feelings. Please call the battered womens/domestic violence line in your country and get IMMEDIATE help.

marie1960

"I know deep down that I should leave, but what keeps me here is how I feel when he's beside me when he's sober. I do love him very very much...sometimes I wish I didn't cause then leaving would be easy." (Cheese 33)

One of the most painful things I have ever had to accept was; "that sober, wonderful guy" was lost to addiction. I can only share my own experience with you, but as time goes by you will see less and less of the guy you fell in love with.

As long as you allow the addiction to rule your world, it will. I can say, in time, it will consume you. This is not a healthy way to live.

Please proceed with caution, this guy is a loose cannon, and he has the potential to cause you great bodily harm.

Violence of any kind is a dealbreaker for me.

Where there is violence, love cannot survive. He has no respect for you or himself. Please take all protective measures to keep you and your kids out of harms way.

I reread your post, and there are huge red warning flags all over it, it appears you have fallen in love with something he is not.

Time to get real honest with yourself, ( and that was the part I hated the most), I could not, for one day longer, live aboard the crazytrain.

Keep posting we are here for you.

seek

He is addicted to booze and you are addicted to him (the way he make you feel when he is next to you . . .hello?)

For your sake and the sake of your kids, please get out.

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is also a good program and could help you break free of him and understand why you would settle for an abusive relationship.