Addicted to him

Old 09-08-2012, 09:02 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
Unhappy Addicted to him

My story starts five years ago when i met my now exbf. He was so fun to be around and we had a great relationship. We moved in together in my apartment and things were going great so his parents allowed us to move into the spare house they own that had recently become available. He lost his job soon after moving in so we were working off his low unemployment and my little hourly job that i was picking up overtime with. A couple months later i was laid off as well. We could no longer afford the place. I always knew he would take xanax with his friends sometimes to "hang out and relax" but then after i lost my job and his parents were constantly nagging about money is when i noticed he was starting to take them everyday. When he couldnt get more he would take advil pm to the point where one night he took so many I found him talking to himself and hallucinating so bad. I was petrified but took care of him all night. Even after i got a job and things got a tiny bit easier his drug use got worse. He received a DUI for getting pulled over and admitting to taking xanax. Yes, he was that messed up he admitted to a cop that he took some. Things went so out of control after that with his xanax use. I told him i would leave him if he didnt go to rehab. The next day he admitted to his parents he had a major xanax problem and wanted to go to rehab. We got him into a rehab and while he was there his parents were blaming me and making me feel so badly like this was all my fault. I was all to blame in their eyes to the point they kicked me out of my home. He lasted four days in rehab then came out and said he wanted to do it on his own and rehab wasnt for him. I was an idiot and still stayed with him. His parents and I rarely spoke and my bf did seem to have been clean for about six months. He then relapsed completely in front of me and accidentally that he didnt ever become completely clean but learned to control it. He flat out lied to my face for six months and i believed him. Even after the relapse night that i witnessed...i still stayed. A month later he kept going to his one friends house who used to be his dealer and would be strange around me everytime he would come back. About one week ago I asked him to do me a favor and pick my brother up from work and my bf gave me a huge attitude that he just got to his friends house (the old dealer) when i asked him why he was at his house every day and what was so important that he couldnt leave...he didnt respond to me for four days. That is when i decided that I would now shut his phone off (ive been paying for over a year) and take my only car that i had back from him. I told him last night not to contact me until he becomes completely sober and goes back to rehab and finishes.

The thing is, I am completely addicted to him. I cant stop thinking about him and if he is ok. I know i am killing him by paying for everything and letting him have my car. I dont know why i did it for so long. I just love him and think that he loves me enough to where he will stop because he wants to be with me. But, that isnt the case. I am hoping after a couple weeks without me he will start to hurt enough to want to go to rehab. His parents are completely in denial about the whole thing right now and is letting him stay in the second house free of rent because if they kick him out he tells them he will never talk to them again. I know it is the enablers who are killing him. It is just so hard to be without him even though he isnt the man i fell in love with. I guess it is just the hope that one day he will be again that keeps me around.
addictedtohim is offline  
Old 09-08-2012, 09:23 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((addictedtohim)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict AND a recovering codependent. I've had 3 relationships (one over 20 years) and all where A's (addicts/alcoholics). I started using alcohol, then drugs, just to be ale to deal with them which led to my own addiction.

His use is NOT your fault, no matter what his parents say. A lot of people, when facing an addict loved one try to find someone else to blame.

I chose to use alcohol and drugs, just as your exbf did. I'm over 5 years into recovery and I know that there is no one to blame but me.

When you say you are addicted to him (which I TOTALLY understand) you may want to think how hard a time you are going through "withdrawals" and accept that it's very similar to addiction of substances. FWIW, I've found it harder to work my codie-recovery than my addiction one.

I also understand the hope that things will work out with you both. Addiction is a life-long disease. I can slack on my recovery and go right back to using. I'm not saying give up hope, but I will say that his actions speak louder than words.

I hope you read other posts - you will find you are not alone, and you will find that some A's never find recovery. My last XABF was like that. Even though we shared the same addiction, and I knew it inside and out, he chose to quit using, I chose recovery and I knew I couldn't be around him without jumping back into old and bad behaviors.

It hurt, but I'd read enough here to learn I had to take care of me. He's going to do what he's going to do. We have what we call the "3 C's" here - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Best thing you can do is get all the support you can (al-anon and nar-anon are great, as is SR). It takes time and it takes grieving for the life you thought you would have with him. Good news is, you CAN get through this and you CAN learn to carry on with the life you want, regardless of what he does. Promise

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 09-08-2012, 10:02 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for the support. I was reading all last night and all day at people's stories. It is very comforting to know i am not alone.

I grew up with two alcoholic parents so enabling has always been something I just did. It is "normal" to me. This week has been the hardest week of my life not speaking to him and nicely telling him that he can not contact me until he goes to rehab.

We were engaged. He asked me one night while he was on xanax..i was just so happy he even asked (because he always said he didnt believe in marriage) that i still said yes knowing he was on drugs.

You were so dead on with the grieving of a life i thought we were going to have because I kept picturing how our wedding would be once he was recovered for awhile. What hurts the most is the lies and misleading things he done. He made me feel like a bright future was in front of us when he never stopped using.
addictedtohim is offline  
Old 09-08-2012, 10:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Still Standing
 
Nina Kay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
addictedtohim,
I just wanted to say welcome to SR. You've come to the right place. Many here feel the way you do. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Nina Kay is offline  
Old 09-08-2012, 11:06 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
To make matters worse. I just received a facebook message from a childhood friend telling me we are no longer friends because i have ignored her for over a year. I tried to explain the situation but she didnt want to hear it. I guess this is what I get for trying to change someone who didnt want to change himself. I lost a very good friend because i pushed her to the back.
addictedtohim is offline  
Old 09-08-2012, 11:20 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Still Standing
 
Nina Kay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm so sorry. I know how much that hurts. I've pushed many people away because of my trying to deal with & stay sane while dealing with my addict grown son.
Nina Kay is offline  
Old 09-09-2012, 12:09 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by addictedtohim View Post
The thing is, I am completely addicted to him. I cant stop thinking about him and if he is ok. I know i am killing him by paying for everything and letting him have my car. I dont know why i did it for so long. I just love him and think that he loves me enough to where he will stop because he wants to be with me. But, that isnt the case. I am hoping after a couple weeks without me he will start to hurt enough to want to go to rehab. His parents are completely in denial about the whole thing right now and is letting him stay in the second house free of rent because if they kick him out he tells them he will never talk to them again. I know it is the enablers who are killing him. It is just so hard to be without him even though he isnt the man i fell in love with. I guess it is just the hope that one day he will be again that keeps me around.
Hi 'Addictedtohim'.... welcome to SR you will get so much support here and advice - not all of it is easy to accept at first. Please try to find some of my threads "Liar, Liar Range Rover on Fire" & "Is there ever hope of a loving relationship'... and you will see the brilliant advice... my name was changed on my request to 'ThisisLife' but my name is Lara... If you can't find the threads let me know and I will ask Anna - forum leader to assist
Lara is offline  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:41 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The hopeful fantasy of the guy you wanted is now someone who is:

Immature
Unemployed.
No car
No phone
Sponges off other people who care about him
Hangs out with his own kind
No intention of ceasing drug usage


Nothing wrong with hoping the best for him.

Now it's time to get on with your own life without this baggage.

Have you considered grief counselling?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-09-2012, 11:52 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
I have considered it. I actually spoke to my dad about it this morning. I lost my grandmother who meant the world to me six months ago and I never got to mourn for my loss of her. The exbf actually left me at the wake and took my car because he was so messed up on drugs and i was "being mean" to him.

I actually watched my grandma take her last breath in the hospital so it was a very traumatic time that i completely repressed because i didnt want to deal with him and her loss. Last night it hit me harder then ever after i wrote this and tried to go to bed.

I do not have a ton of money because i am paying for my own college degree and counseling can be pretty pricey. I called a couple places and they are saying about $125 a visit. yikes. If anyone has any insight please feel free to let me know.
addictedtohim is offline  
Old 09-09-2012, 06:52 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Group counseling is more affordable than one on one. Contact your county mental health services or a local hospital for some options.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-09-2012, 08:16 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
If you are currentry taking classes, then check through your college. Every college I've attended has had counselors available. They also may able to direct you to low-cost counseling.

If you are employed, your employer probably has a counseling program for employees.
bluebelle is offline  
Old 09-10-2012, 03:27 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The fact that you are letting him drive your car while he is completely drugged up scares the heck out of me - because that used to be me.

Until he wrecked my car because he fell asleep at the wheel - with a crack pipe in his mouth. Got busted by the police. Ended up in jail that time. I paid several thousand dollars to get my car fixed.

What was crazy was that about a year later, I got pulled over and they asked me where he was because he had a warrant out of his arrest. I asked the police how they knew I knew him. Turns out that my license plate number associated with him in the police data base. I sold my car shortly after that. But yes. These things can and do happen.

I'm just glad he didn't kill someone when he was driving my car. I never would have forgiven myself. Please don't let him drive your car anymore. Set some boundaries. You will come to regret it if you don't.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 09-11-2012, 07:42 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
"I am hoping after a couple weeks without me he will start to hurt enough to want to go to rehab. " Don't count on it. It typuically doesnt work that way. You will soon learn that no person is enough to make someone stop using drugs. It has to be the addicts desire to stop. Period. It has to be their choice. Trust me, it's hard to watch and extremely tough on the ego (why am i not enough for him to want to quit?) Been there, done that. But it just isn't reality when it comes to drugs.
gurlie214 is offline  
Old 09-11-2012, 07:55 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-11-2012, 08:16 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7
You are all very right. Since i havent spoken to him hid sister is now testing me saying i should love her brothe no matter what and i should love and support him. She doesnt understand how hard it was to live the way I did for over s year with an addict. The verbal abuse alone, forget it. It still really hurt to hear that I was a terrible gf when in reality i was the victim. A week and two days since ive spoken to him feels like a life time but I feel more and more stronger everyday with all the support. Thank you.
addictedtohim is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:43 AM.