Hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
Hi
My first post here I have 4 adult children, 3 are drug addicts. I know what you must be thinking, what terrible parents they must be, cause I think it a million times a day. But, my husband and I are the straightest, most boring normal people there are.I work 1 full time job and three part time jobs, My husabnd works full time, we dont drink, smoke, do drugs....your old fashioned parents. So I know this is stupid but why......I'm so depressed today...having a hard time coping anymore....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Nana....welcome to SR and while I am happy to see you here I am very sorry for the reason!
Many others will be along shortly but I wanted to make sure you were welcomed right away.
I would like to suggest to you that you read the "Stickies" at the top of this forum and read around on the posts. It is good to get a feel for the place and people.....an amazing resource of information and support.
The one thing I want to say to you based on your post....You did not cause it, You cannot control it and You cannot Cure it.
The very most important thing right now is for you to know is that You Did Not Cause This in your children. Over time you will be able to feel that....right now please take that on faith and accept the peace it brings as you learn.
Hugs....from the Mom of an AS.
Many others will be along shortly but I wanted to make sure you were welcomed right away.
I would like to suggest to you that you read the "Stickies" at the top of this forum and read around on the posts. It is good to get a feel for the place and people.....an amazing resource of information and support.
The one thing I want to say to you based on your post....You did not cause it, You cannot control it and You cannot Cure it.
The very most important thing right now is for you to know is that You Did Not Cause This in your children. Over time you will be able to feel that....right now please take that on faith and accept the peace it brings as you learn.
Hugs....from the Mom of an AS.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Welcome....so glad that you found us. One thing that you will discover about our wonderful group of people is that it's a safe place. No judgement - and we'll even call you on it when you judge yourself.
This is one place that you can come where no one is going to judge you for the addicts in your life. And - there are plenty of other places in the world where they won't too.
I've married a bunch of addicts and people are pretty nice to me about that......
Hope that you will stick around and let us get to know you!!!!!
I am no longer married to my husband who was my recent "qualifier". My 18 year old son has gotten into pot very heavily so I definitely have to use my program for that.
Again - welcome!
This is one place that you can come where no one is going to judge you for the addicts in your life. And - there are plenty of other places in the world where they won't too.
I've married a bunch of addicts and people are pretty nice to me about that......
Hope that you will stick around and let us get to know you!!!!!
I am no longer married to my husband who was my recent "qualifier". My 18 year old son has gotten into pot very heavily so I definitely have to use my program for that.
Again - welcome!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Cangel2 is right. Follow her suggestions. Also, in the rooms of Nar-Anon/Al-Anon, you will find EXACTLY what you need. The Experience, Strength & Hope you desperately seek. Welcome!
You're so brave to just lay bare your situation, and that is the first step: owning up to the fact that this family disease got us, that we are powerless over it.
Keep reading & posting. Seek out a meeting as soon as you can. Many of us here have been through where you are at today. Hang on to something good from today in your mind. Replay it & add some more good things! Focus on the Now, not regrets about the past or worries about the future. Stay in the Here.
You're so brave to just lay bare your situation, and that is the first step: owning up to the fact that this family disease got us, that we are powerless over it.
Keep reading & posting. Seek out a meeting as soon as you can. Many of us here have been through where you are at today. Hang on to something good from today in your mind. Replay it & add some more good things! Focus on the Now, not regrets about the past or worries about the future. Stay in the Here.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Oh, Nana...you didn't do anything to cause any of your children to use drugs. I am sure you were perfectly fine parents, but sometimes it's just unexplainable why some people turn to drugs and others don't. I have seen families where the parents did a wonderful job of raising their children, only to have them mess up when they got out on their own. On the other hand, I have seen families where I wonder how in the heck those kids ever made it out alive, and then those same kids go out and make a great success of their lives.
Please don't blame yourself. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. We're here to support you hon, so please, come back often.
Please don't blame yourself. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. We're here to support you hon, so please, come back often.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nana)) - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones that are A's. My parents did a great job at raising me. The only "addiction" I was exposed to was cigarettes. I was an RN, I knew all about addiction yet I still became an A.
Please, do not take on blame for your children's actions. I knew all about the addiction in my family (on dad's side - two heroin addict uncles), my mom warned me that I had it in my genes, yet I still became an A.
I hope you read around here, as you will find you are not alone. By all means, remember the 3 C's that ((Suki)) mentioned - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You CAN, however, find a way to live your life and let your children live theirs..meetings will help, but SR has been my biggest support.
It's not easy, a mom's instinct is to protect her child. Addiction throws a major kink in that thought. The great people here can walk with you and give excellent ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
I'll also tell you that my greatest blessing was that my family allowed me to dig a really deep hole, figure a way to get out of it and didn't cushion the hard stuff. It was all those darned consequences that led me to recovery and I will forever be grateful to my family for giving me the dignity to live my life. Found out that the using life wasn't all it cracked up to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Please, do not take on blame for your children's actions. I knew all about the addiction in my family (on dad's side - two heroin addict uncles), my mom warned me that I had it in my genes, yet I still became an A.
I hope you read around here, as you will find you are not alone. By all means, remember the 3 C's that ((Suki)) mentioned - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You CAN, however, find a way to live your life and let your children live theirs..meetings will help, but SR has been my biggest support.
It's not easy, a mom's instinct is to protect her child. Addiction throws a major kink in that thought. The great people here can walk with you and give excellent ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
I'll also tell you that my greatest blessing was that my family allowed me to dig a really deep hole, figure a way to get out of it and didn't cushion the hard stuff. It was all those darned consequences that led me to recovery and I will forever be grateful to my family for giving me the dignity to live my life. Found out that the using life wasn't all it cracked up to be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. You will find good support here, anytime.
Dr. Drew Pinsky defines addiction as a biological disease with a genetic component. He says that if a person doesn't have the gene, the person can't get addicted, even if that person abuses drugs and alcohol.
But when babies are born, we don't know which ones have the gene. If they do have it, it came from the family blood way back, and that is no one's fault. It is an invisible threat.
In our culture, drinking and drug abuse are very common, and now we have a major epidemic of prescription drug addiction. Public schools are full of drug users and young people are insecure, they want to fit in, they are wired to try to fit in. So they abuse substances at parties just as most others do.
But about one in ten of them carries the gene for addiction. And that young person can trigger an instant addiction with just one line of coke. Or trigger a love of alcohol that becomes an obsession, with just one drink.
And the parents are at home, sitting quietly reading the paper, having done all the right things to raise their children, and the child still becomes an addict.
We will be here whenever you need to post about what is happening in your life. You need people in recovery, for they can help you begin your own, and that will, in its way, impact your addicts for the better.
You absolutely did not cause their addiction.
Dr. Drew Pinsky defines addiction as a biological disease with a genetic component. He says that if a person doesn't have the gene, the person can't get addicted, even if that person abuses drugs and alcohol.
But when babies are born, we don't know which ones have the gene. If they do have it, it came from the family blood way back, and that is no one's fault. It is an invisible threat.
In our culture, drinking and drug abuse are very common, and now we have a major epidemic of prescription drug addiction. Public schools are full of drug users and young people are insecure, they want to fit in, they are wired to try to fit in. So they abuse substances at parties just as most others do.
But about one in ten of them carries the gene for addiction. And that young person can trigger an instant addiction with just one line of coke. Or trigger a love of alcohol that becomes an obsession, with just one drink.
And the parents are at home, sitting quietly reading the paper, having done all the right things to raise their children, and the child still becomes an addict.
We will be here whenever you need to post about what is happening in your life. You need people in recovery, for they can help you begin your own, and that will, in its way, impact your addicts for the better.
You absolutely did not cause their addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome, Nana04. As you can see, there's lots of support here.
As a mom, I understand the concept of self-doubt and second guessing.
It doesn't help that society reinforces the idea that when "something goes wrong" with the kids, it must be the fault of the parent(s).
I also understand and agree with other posters that we should not blame ourselves for the predisposition to certain behaviors of our children. That's where the three C's come in.
Keep coming back. This is a great place to learn and to share.
As a mom, I understand the concept of self-doubt and second guessing.
It doesn't help that society reinforces the idea that when "something goes wrong" with the kids, it must be the fault of the parent(s). I also understand and agree with other posters that we should not blame ourselves for the predisposition to certain behaviors of our children. That's where the three C's come in.
Keep coming back. This is a great place to learn and to share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Welcome ((nana04)). So sorry for your situation. I hav been coming here for help since 2009 and finally started going to an Al-anon group that consists mostly ofarents since february. I have an addicted son who is 22.
Please believe it was not caused by you. I think the above description by Dr. Drew Pinsky explains it well.
I hope you are able to keep coming back and to find a local in person support group as well. Both have helped me a lot!
((hugs)) from another mama. Be gentle with yourself. The sticky about the parents 10 commandments for breaking the enabling cycle helps me. I read it a lot and it's posted on my refrig.
Please believe it was not caused by you. I think the above description by Dr. Drew Pinsky explains it well.
I hope you are able to keep coming back and to find a local in person support group as well. Both have helped me a lot!
((hugs)) from another mama. Be gentle with yourself. The sticky about the parents 10 commandments for breaking the enabling cycle helps me. I read it a lot and it's posted on my refrig.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: huntsville ar
Posts: 39
Iam a parent and grandparent. I have 3 grown children. 1 is a heavy meth user: my oldest. I felt the same as you for years. Until i started meetings and reading anything i could about addiction. Read as much as you can. My heart goes out to you. Even now i still catch myself enabling him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find support and comfort here.
My heart always goes out to parents with an "only child" who is addicted and parents with more than one addicted offspring. It's a very hard disease to cope with because there's some part of us that want to believe that they can just stop. Or we feel somehow responsible for their addiction. Of course, neither of these things are true.
I found relief in meetings as well (Nar-Anon and Al-Anon). And here on SR.
It helps to write about our journey......to know others understand. We are not alone.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
My heart always goes out to parents with an "only child" who is addicted and parents with more than one addicted offspring. It's a very hard disease to cope with because there's some part of us that want to believe that they can just stop. Or we feel somehow responsible for their addiction. Of course, neither of these things are true.
I found relief in meetings as well (Nar-Anon and Al-Anon). And here on SR.
It helps to write about our journey......to know others understand. We are not alone.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
Welcome to SR. You will find good support here, anytime.
Dr. Drew Pinsky defines addiction as a biological disease with a genetic component. He says that if a person doesn't have the gene, the person can't get addicted, even if that person abuses drugs and alcohol.
Dr. Drew Pinsky defines addiction as a biological disease with a genetic component. He says that if a person doesn't have the gene, the person can't get addicted, even if that person abuses drugs and alcohol.
If any of us were locked up and heroin, meth or cocaine/crack were forced upon us, everyone of us would eventually becomes addicted, regardless of our genes. Alcohol is a different story.
Drugs have the power to rewire the reward systems within our brains and thus our biology.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Dr. Drew remarks in many interviews he's given, "no gene, no addiction."
In this particular interview--www.videojug.com/interview/dr-drews-addiction-advice-3--Dr. Drew says, "The way I look at it is if you don't have the gene you don't get addiction."
Other researchers, though, may disagree with him about the science.
In this particular interview--www.videojug.com/interview/dr-drews-addiction-advice-3--Dr. Drew says, "The way I look at it is if you don't have the gene you don't get addiction."
Other researchers, though, may disagree with him about the science.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I agree with you out to lunch. But I think it's more complicaetd than that. Some of us are able to recover and some of us have a much harder or even impossible time recovering. That is where the gene comes in IMO.
Sure, lock someon in a room and force them to use crack or heroin for long enough and they will definitely become physically and psychologically dependent on it - an addict. They will crave it. They will physically need it. But when you let them out of that room, and give them the choice NOT to use it anymore, some of them will choose recovery and they will bust their butts to get off the drugs and stay clean, despite the pain and discomfort. But many of them won't. They'll choose to keep using.
The extent to which a user is able to find recovery is probably strongly related to genetics. Some of us have an easier time rewiring our brains to sobriety than others (and easier is a relative term - it's not easy at all).
That's why using drugs is like playing russian roulette. You just never know if you are going to be able to survive it. You just don't know what's going to happen in your brain once that bullet hits your head.
Sure, lock someon in a room and force them to use crack or heroin for long enough and they will definitely become physically and psychologically dependent on it - an addict. They will crave it. They will physically need it. But when you let them out of that room, and give them the choice NOT to use it anymore, some of them will choose recovery and they will bust their butts to get off the drugs and stay clean, despite the pain and discomfort. But many of them won't. They'll choose to keep using.
The extent to which a user is able to find recovery is probably strongly related to genetics. Some of us have an easier time rewiring our brains to sobriety than others (and easier is a relative term - it's not easy at all).
That's why using drugs is like playing russian roulette. You just never know if you are going to be able to survive it. You just don't know what's going to happen in your brain once that bullet hits your head.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 3
Thanks
Thanks for all your support...I would give my life if only my son would get clean....my oldest daughter is beyond help, my other daughter got arrested is now on house arrest and doing what she needs to do but my son is my biggest heartache....have been thro so much with him and he did well this last year then fell off...just had a baby two weeks ago but hasnt changed anything...has two children already to another girl that the other grandmother has custody off and took to Florida...goes toa suboxene dr but abuses on weekends, mainly zanax which makes him mean....hes my baby...I'm so depressed....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Nana, please know you are NOT alone. You need to understand also that you cannot alter your children's destiny even with all the love and suffering you have. I too have a 22 year old son who has done unspeakably bad things to us to feed his addiction. I have let him go, he is in jail and that is the safest place he could be right now. It is very hard to do this, but if you can LET GO, your sanity, your peace and your needs can be met.
Please keep posting and keep reading. We all care.
Hugs,
Teresa
Please keep posting and keep reading. We all care.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 24
I feel your sadness Nana. Keep reading here at SR. I have a daughter who is addicted to pills and am also now caring for her 1 yr baby. I pray every day that she will seek the recovery she so desparately needs. Reading and posting here has kept me from going totally insane with worry. I pray for all the mama's here who have children struggling with addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I'm so very sorry. It's not your fault. If there were something that we did that caused it, things would be simple. We would stop doing it and our kids would be fine. Children from all walks of life can be affected. Addiction has no favorites. It will suck anyone in who has the propensity for it and who takes that first drug. It is cruel and heartless. How I wish there were a "cure".
It's especially tough on moms cause we want so much more for our kids, no matter the age. My son is 42 and still breaks my heart.
Just hang around here and you will find compassion, understanding, and support. We care.
It's especially tough on moms cause we want so much more for our kids, no matter the age. My son is 42 and still breaks my heart.
Just hang around here and you will find compassion, understanding, and support. We care.
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