Payne

I know that being an ACOA means that I will have to battle those issues my whole life. However, I self destructed this week and was able to smooth some things over, but massively changed my life in the process. I'm absolutely codependent which is ironic cause when I was younger I leaned on no one. Maybe that's it though, I couldn't lean on anyone because I was busy with my AM.
Two years had come and passed in between the last time things had gotten this bad in my life. And here I find myself right back where I was. Right back in my old scared, passive aggressive, codependent, and TERRIFIED of everything ways and it's made me feel completely defeated. I thought I was doing so much better and watching so much.
I'm throwing a party with a friend tonight and I was cleaning up my back yard thinking how everyone needs to find someone who loves them for me. I'm entirely too broken to ask anyone to love that. All I could think it maybe I should just pull the plug on this whole thing before I disapoint myself and everyone again because it seems inevitable.
I thought breaking the cycle means that instead of brooding, the best thing I can do right now if share how I feel in a place that could give me productive responses.

NWGRITS

I'm the child of an alcoholic mother, as well. There's something different about AMs than AFs, and a book that really helped me was My Mama's Waltz: A book for daughters of alcoholic mothers. I don't think it could hurt sons to read it, too. I do know one thing for sure from growing up like that, and it's that you are NOT too broken to be loved. You may feel broken and alone, but you're not. I thought for sure I was the least deserving of love and affection from anyone, so I threw myself into the most destructive relationships I could find. Funny that I never dated addicts, but my partners of choice were some real blue ribbon winners. It took years and many, many mistakes, but I learned to love myself and could then give love and RECEIVE love from someone else. I'm happy now, with my second husband, our four kids (2 mine, 2 his) and a new baby on the way. It's not always easy, but it is possible.

SLady

My ACOA husband tried to take his own life when he was in his forties. It was a cry for help. At that time, he felt there was no purpose in his life, that he will never find someone to settle down with. And then he met me and next year will be our silver anniversary (25 years). So there is HOPE.

I really think you need to work on your self esteem. If you think you're too broken to be loved and do not deserve happiness, you will meet the wrong type of men who will treat you badly and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I know it is not easy but perhaps, you can join a class that interest you :- art / cooking / language course / dancing / cycling / sailing / rock climbing and meet up groups online. It will make you feel good about yourselves (raise your self esteem) because you accomplish something and it will widen your social life as well.

Avoid bars (for the obvious reason) and if I may say so, your girlfriend's ex (too much drama and out of respect for your girlfriend)

Payne

I absolutely agree about my friends ex, that was a horribly bad mistake and so against anything I would normally do. That was probably my cry for help, and we talked it out. Theres still a few ruffled feathers, but only time can heal that, that is not my normal M.O.

And I have been doing the same, I meet new people constantly and have some very fantastic friends, but I do need to build my self confidence. It's something I'm trying to work on. Last night was a night filled with very kind and supportive friends, but I need to learn to take up the brunt of my emotional healing on my own. Something that my improved self esteem should help me take control of my life again. I had gotten so overwhelmed i began giving up control and by giving up control i lost confidence.

Kialua

To be clear are you talking about killing yourself? That is never a good answer. You are young and like SLady said, things do change and there is always hope. Please join a group tonight and work on this. It is time to work on yourself.

Have you read the stickies above? If not please start there.

I read your other threads, and if I understand them correctly, frankly if that had been my friend, and she said go ahead and date her ex then got all b**** about it, I would be DONE with her . (does she have kids with him? Then I would NEVER see him) She is too high maintenance and not trustworthy. And if she can't get over it since you stopped seeing this guy she is not worth it. Move on. We have enough work fixing ourselves to care about some other person that doesn't know her 'yes' from her 'no'. We can only take someone at their word, don't jump through those hoops. I'd rather be alone than have to deal with this type of person. I wouldn't be mad about it or even tell her off, I would just not call her anymore. Ever. And I wouldn't answer her calls when she finally figures it out. It seems harsh to some but that's how I would deal with it. (having moved 10 times by 10th grade I got used to not attaching to people) It takes a lot for me to put up with people's irrationality. And I don't usually do it for long. But then again I don't really care if someone is trying to manipulate me through their moodiness. I just let them go on their merry way and it rolls of my back.

Payne

Part of me was pretty ticked she flipped switches, but we have been good friends for a long time and she has been very supportive for everything in my life. We talked on friday about how we felt about everything and really have come to a better place in our friendship. I can get mad she got mad, or I can attempt to see her view as she's done so many times for me also.
Funny, Kialua she's a lot like you. She moved a lot when she was younger and came from a different part of the country than me. Friendships are seen very differently between the two of us but in the end it always comes to be a very constructive difference that helps to pull me out of my rural acoa over dependent over loyal attitudes and her out of her big city no one matters, you can't let yourself care for anyone.
At the time yes suicide had been running through my head, it's a problem I've struggled with my whole life i've worked with several counselors none have seemed to fit. I have learned to talk about it when it gets strong and to put some distance from the moment like "Okay lets re-evaluate in a week" Its a very helpful tool in those moments.
Since then I've started getting proactive again on my recovery I had gotten bogged down exhausted and started pulling back. I'm assuring that I assess where I am and taking an honest inventory of how I feel and talking through with myself or a friend why it bothers me and coming to a catharsis with it which I do every morning.
On Saturday I was just so completely frustrated that I had come so far just to fall back into so many of my old habits, thats other old habits came out.

Kialua

You haven't told us but I wonder how old you are. How long have you been dealing with this? Feel free to read my blog. Have you read our stickies above? I seem to always tell people to read them but they are so helpful, they are like breathing fresh air. Please read as many of them as you can. Water the new seed within in you with knowledge and you will get power.

Have you worked any of the steps program in respect to ACoA? How have you dealt with forgiving your parents? Do you rely on your higher power without bargaining and demands? These are just a few questions that once resolved will be your foundation for the healthy life you deserve.

Payne

I'm 26, I've been to al-anon at first accompanied by the above mentioned friend for support and tried to keep going for several months after different groups different flavors but never found much personal growth or appreciation for them. So I began really working on.getting to know as much as I could personally. I have read all the stickies and go back to them frequently. I have tried several counselors and therapists but have gotten a cold response from.many of them as my mother was a "functio.ing" alcoholic. I truly have forgiven my parents but it became clear to me yesterday who I.have not forgiven is me. I'm working very hard on not attempting to create my outcomes or manipulate the world around mebut instead to take life as it is and try to be the best I am.in every day. Today I wrote a post about my most recent revelation, my need to forgive myself. I find myself often taking a lot of fault even when I don't need to because the easiest thing for me to believe is its my fault. I believe that anger, bitterness, lack of drive, fear and hurt has been a large factor in my self destrructing this year and my steps back.in my recovery.

Kialua

I can agree with this, one can liken anger and bitterness as taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Try working the 12 step program for ACoA's. There is a thread here somewhere that people have worked it.

My father was a functioning drunk, never missed a day of work in his life. I think most counselors understand this and you just haven't found the right one. Make that be the first understanding and if they don't agree that functioning drunks are just as damaging for their children as non functioning drunks move on until you find one.

There may be ACoA groups in your area.

Payne

I'm more inclined to.work my own program. I know outside help is massively helpful when it fits but I guess I just got so many bad fits I got turned off from.it. ill definitely revamp my personal steps though thanks! I'll look for the steps link, feel free to share them for me. I'm definitely in and have been in a better place than I was Saturday. Your words have definitely helped bouy my rededication to my recovery.

tromboneliness

YES. That is (at least for me) the biggest, baddest, toughest, most intractable part of this whole recovery thing: Despite the medallion that says 16 Years (which reminds me -- it's time to order my 17-year medallion, because the odometer turns up in a couple of weeks), I still use almost everything that happens in my life as a stick to beat myself up with. I don't trust my own judgment. I think every decision I've made in my adult life turned out wrong. I think I can't do anything right. And -- at the end of the day -- I have this persistent feeling that if it were possible, I would alter history such that my parents would have opted not to have a second child; after my older sister, that is. (I hasten to add that I'm not going anywhere -- I have never been suicidal, nor am I likely to jump off a bridge at any time in the foreseeable future -- nonetheless, I have always felt, and I mean always ever since I was a child, that it would be preferable if I had just never happened in the first place. My psychiatrist, who is one of the most positive people I know, has a hard time grasping this, because it's not "depression" or some other "condition" that can be treated; it's just the way I've always felt, since Day One.)

Forgiveness, as my favorite 12-step clinician likes to say, is giving up hope for a better past. I'm not there yet, because this, especially the self-forgiveness part, is The Hardest Thing There Is in ACoA recovery.

Do you have a sponsor? I think a really good sponsor is better than any therapist. I have one who's worth his weight in gold -- everything I say, he nods his head knowingly, because his life experience is very similar to mine. He can relate to what I'm saying, because he has been, and still is, there. We have gone through the 12 Steps using the ACA Workbook (the yellow spiral-bound book you can get from adultchildren.org). It is the best thing I've ever done. But it's intense: I would not recommend trying to go through the workbook by yourself. Find a good sponsor and ask them to go through the workbook with you.

T

Payne

Thanks t that's great advice. I'll really have to give another go at the community because anyone.outside of.it has the hardest time "getting" it and I usually feel more crazy when.I finish than when I start. They try to be "patient" and "understanding" but normies will never understand, and it makes me feel like a burden sometimes. Like that crazy uncle who hits on all the teenagers and everyone "puts up" with him. Mind you not always and I get some amazing support and friendship, but there are a lot of moments.

Kialua

You will stop viewing yourself as burden when you realize that your feelings are valid, and that you didn't choose those feelings, you were taught those feelings. Now is the time to step out of what you learned to survive and what was pushed on to you, and choose new feelings and new behaviors. It all starts with you, and your working the steps, alone or within a community. We understand, we have lived where you live. You can do this. But you have to try, again.

Payne

Thank you. You're support is appreciated.