Not so happy anniversary
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Not so happy anniversary
The last couple weeks have been weird and stressful (AH continuously trying to convince me to go to couple's counseling and then trying to do impromptu counseling sessions at home in lieu of me agreeing). I've been resistant and keep telling him that I'm not his counselor, I'm not qualified for this, and I don't see the value in trying to work through "our" problems if he doesn't work through his. Major disappointment and resulting depression on his part.
Then four days ago, AH started drinking again (denied it). Three days ago, I came home and he was PLOWED. I WENT OFF.
I'm not proud of myself for how I behaved that night, but I've been the adult in this dysfunctional relationship for long enough - I am allowed a foray into the oopsie zone every now and again. I later found out that he had gone through three half-pints of vodka in less than two hours. Criminy. I have no idea how he didn't go into a coma.
I wasn't going to ask if he had been drinking, because A. I'm not stupid and B. I'm not giving him any more opportunities to lie to me. "Ask no questions, tell me no lies." One of the many reasons I was so charged up about this particular "infraction" is because it was the eve of our 9 year anniversary. This was certainly not the way I wanted to be celebrating! Hell, I didn't want to celebrate at all - what is there to celebrate right now?! Hooray, we're exactly where we were a year ago today?
Anywho, so two days ago was anniversary day. He was (understandably) a wreck, so he stayed home from work. I called him mid-morning to check in & tell him that I can't make him not drink...but I choose for myself to not be surrounded by it anymore. It's not healthy and it's not fair, and I didn't want to be the person I was the night before. If he wanted to drink, he could just call or text me to say he's not coming home that night & he could go somewhere else. Essentially, the home-bar was closed. I asked him if he thought that was fair, and he said yes. I asked him if he would be home when I got home from work, and he said yes.
So...I got home from work that day, and he was very sheepish. I asked him again if the "if you're going to do it, don't do it here" was fair and if he understood, and he said yes. Not too long after that, he grabbed socks & shoes...he said that he had to leave because he drank that day. I asked if he was able to drive anywhere, and he said no. (Thank goodness he's at least smart enough to not drink & drive.) We both just kind of sat there at that point.
The fact that he had made what I consider a major step and had admitted drinking and had been honest about it totally threw me off. This has never happened before, and I didn't know what to do! I proceeded pretty delicately. I took a short-term path of inaction rather than taking a rash & poorly thought-out action. I swallowed my words for a while, and not too long after that, he came to me and he said that he felt like he was going to die. I thought that he was being overly dramatic and told him he wasn't going to die. Just a couple minutes after that, about 7pm, he asked me to take him to the hospital. He drank that day because he was withdrawing badly in the morning, and he is terrified of having seizures, and he could see himself going through that process again in the next 12-24 hours, so he wanted to go to the ER. Since I knew we'd be gone a while, I asked him to get ready to go while I gave the dog a quick walk.
And to the hospital we went. It was unfortunately a very busy night for the ER, and it took a while to just get seen by the triage nurse. She was NOT helpful or friendly and only offered very sharp criticism...if she had just had any bedside manner at all, her words and critiques may have fallen on something other than deaf ears. (Even though I agreed with a lot of what she was saying, she was quite a nasty lady!) It took what seemed like forever to actually get a room after that. The ER doc was a bit put off by the situation. AH had said he was having withdrawal symptoms...but his BAC (via blood draw) was apparently over 300! HOLY CRAP!
The doc said it was physically impossible for him to be having withdrawal symptoms with a BAC like that. And I can't believe he was even vertical & conscious & coherent! If AH had actually been totally honest, he would have told the doc that it was a few hours since he last gulped down a pint or so of vodka and he didn't want to keep doing that to keep away DTs.
What the doc offered was fluids, Ativan to calm him, and lots of vitamins by IV since all he had actually ingested in the preceding 36-48 hours was vodka. The doc prescribed Librium for a few days to get him through this weekend. Since the ER was so busy that night, it took us forever to get out of there. We didn't get home until after midnight. Which was just fantastic, because I hadn't had a chance to eat dinner before we went and I had to get up early for work the next day. It was late & neighborhood parking is nearly impossible to find at that hour, so I dropped AH at the building's front door & went to find a spot.
When I got in our door, the dog glommed onto me like velcro. AH told me that when he opened the door to our condo, the dog freaked the eff out and ran down the stairs, barking at every door & trying to find me! EEP! It's freakin 12:30am! So I peeled the dog off me, scarfed down some food, walked the dog, and then finally semi-calmed down & drifted off into a fitful sleep about 2:15-2:30am.
AH had what seemed like an Ativan hangover yesterday morning, so he again stayed home from work. He told me that he was too looped, so I got up at 5:40am and walked the fur-monster. I had apparently been clenching my jaw in my sleep, and I just couldn't UNclench my jaw that morning. So tired, so stressed, so just spent, and as a result of the clench-fest, so in pain (stupid TMJ!). I stumbled through my work day, and I'm shocked that I was functional at all. I had to put on my happy face big-time yesterday, as our entire office had to take turns going into classrooms of 50 or so people to answer tech questions & "represent" our office to the new students. OH MY GOD, that was freaking hard!
I floated through the evening when I got home from work. Made myself some food, played stupid Facebook games to numb my mind, watched some TV, and passed out sometime around 11pm-12am. Wonder Dog decided he REAAAALLLLY had to go outside about 4am and jumped up on the couch pull-out bed to communicate this rather loudly and emphatically. I again peeled him off me and tried to get back to sleep, but he was rather persistent. Apparently his persistence was loud enough to wake AH in the bedroom, so he got up and walked the dog about 4:40am. I awoke about 7am. Asked AH if he was going to his group IOP ("intensive outpatient program") session today, and he said no - he doesn't think it's doing him any good and he wants to talk to his counselor guy one-on-one. His next appointment with him isn't until next Thursday. I suggested that perhaps he not wait until then & try to see him earlier, because that's a LOOOONG time to go without any sort of treatment or support. He said he will go to his Quad A meeting on Monday night and will try to get in to see his counselor earlier in the week.
He's sleeping the morning away. I'm venting on the interwebs. I'm not really sure what to do or what to think. It really is a big step that he was honest about drinking on Thursday and that he wanted to go to the hospital for help, but his actions are going to have to keep talking. I'm listening.
Then four days ago, AH started drinking again (denied it). Three days ago, I came home and he was PLOWED. I WENT OFF.
I'm not proud of myself for how I behaved that night, but I've been the adult in this dysfunctional relationship for long enough - I am allowed a foray into the oopsie zone every now and again. I later found out that he had gone through three half-pints of vodka in less than two hours. Criminy. I have no idea how he didn't go into a coma. I wasn't going to ask if he had been drinking, because A. I'm not stupid and B. I'm not giving him any more opportunities to lie to me. "Ask no questions, tell me no lies." One of the many reasons I was so charged up about this particular "infraction" is because it was the eve of our 9 year anniversary. This was certainly not the way I wanted to be celebrating! Hell, I didn't want to celebrate at all - what is there to celebrate right now?! Hooray, we're exactly where we were a year ago today?
Anywho, so two days ago was anniversary day. He was (understandably) a wreck, so he stayed home from work. I called him mid-morning to check in & tell him that I can't make him not drink...but I choose for myself to not be surrounded by it anymore. It's not healthy and it's not fair, and I didn't want to be the person I was the night before. If he wanted to drink, he could just call or text me to say he's not coming home that night & he could go somewhere else. Essentially, the home-bar was closed. I asked him if he thought that was fair, and he said yes. I asked him if he would be home when I got home from work, and he said yes.
So...I got home from work that day, and he was very sheepish. I asked him again if the "if you're going to do it, don't do it here" was fair and if he understood, and he said yes. Not too long after that, he grabbed socks & shoes...he said that he had to leave because he drank that day. I asked if he was able to drive anywhere, and he said no. (Thank goodness he's at least smart enough to not drink & drive.) We both just kind of sat there at that point.
The fact that he had made what I consider a major step and had admitted drinking and had been honest about it totally threw me off. This has never happened before, and I didn't know what to do! I proceeded pretty delicately. I took a short-term path of inaction rather than taking a rash & poorly thought-out action. I swallowed my words for a while, and not too long after that, he came to me and he said that he felt like he was going to die. I thought that he was being overly dramatic and told him he wasn't going to die. Just a couple minutes after that, about 7pm, he asked me to take him to the hospital. He drank that day because he was withdrawing badly in the morning, and he is terrified of having seizures, and he could see himself going through that process again in the next 12-24 hours, so he wanted to go to the ER. Since I knew we'd be gone a while, I asked him to get ready to go while I gave the dog a quick walk.
And to the hospital we went. It was unfortunately a very busy night for the ER, and it took a while to just get seen by the triage nurse. She was NOT helpful or friendly and only offered very sharp criticism...if she had just had any bedside manner at all, her words and critiques may have fallen on something other than deaf ears. (Even though I agreed with a lot of what she was saying, she was quite a nasty lady!) It took what seemed like forever to actually get a room after that. The ER doc was a bit put off by the situation. AH had said he was having withdrawal symptoms...but his BAC (via blood draw) was apparently over 300! HOLY CRAP!
The doc said it was physically impossible for him to be having withdrawal symptoms with a BAC like that. And I can't believe he was even vertical & conscious & coherent! If AH had actually been totally honest, he would have told the doc that it was a few hours since he last gulped down a pint or so of vodka and he didn't want to keep doing that to keep away DTs.
What the doc offered was fluids, Ativan to calm him, and lots of vitamins by IV since all he had actually ingested in the preceding 36-48 hours was vodka. The doc prescribed Librium for a few days to get him through this weekend. Since the ER was so busy that night, it took us forever to get out of there. We didn't get home until after midnight. Which was just fantastic, because I hadn't had a chance to eat dinner before we went and I had to get up early for work the next day. It was late & neighborhood parking is nearly impossible to find at that hour, so I dropped AH at the building's front door & went to find a spot.
When I got in our door, the dog glommed onto me like velcro. AH told me that when he opened the door to our condo, the dog freaked the eff out and ran down the stairs, barking at every door & trying to find me! EEP! It's freakin 12:30am! So I peeled the dog off me, scarfed down some food, walked the dog, and then finally semi-calmed down & drifted off into a fitful sleep about 2:15-2:30am.
AH had what seemed like an Ativan hangover yesterday morning, so he again stayed home from work. He told me that he was too looped, so I got up at 5:40am and walked the fur-monster. I had apparently been clenching my jaw in my sleep, and I just couldn't UNclench my jaw that morning. So tired, so stressed, so just spent, and as a result of the clench-fest, so in pain (stupid TMJ!). I stumbled through my work day, and I'm shocked that I was functional at all. I had to put on my happy face big-time yesterday, as our entire office had to take turns going into classrooms of 50 or so people to answer tech questions & "represent" our office to the new students. OH MY GOD, that was freaking hard!
I floated through the evening when I got home from work. Made myself some food, played stupid Facebook games to numb my mind, watched some TV, and passed out sometime around 11pm-12am. Wonder Dog decided he REAAAALLLLY had to go outside about 4am and jumped up on the couch pull-out bed to communicate this rather loudly and emphatically. I again peeled him off me and tried to get back to sleep, but he was rather persistent. Apparently his persistence was loud enough to wake AH in the bedroom, so he got up and walked the dog about 4:40am. I awoke about 7am. Asked AH if he was going to his group IOP ("intensive outpatient program") session today, and he said no - he doesn't think it's doing him any good and he wants to talk to his counselor guy one-on-one. His next appointment with him isn't until next Thursday. I suggested that perhaps he not wait until then & try to see him earlier, because that's a LOOOONG time to go without any sort of treatment or support. He said he will go to his Quad A meeting on Monday night and will try to get in to see his counselor earlier in the week.
He's sleeping the morning away. I'm venting on the interwebs. I'm not really sure what to do or what to think. It really is a big step that he was honest about drinking on Thursday and that he wanted to go to the hospital for help, but his actions are going to have to keep talking. I'm listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Your story was just like mine, except I had 2 dog's in mine
Looking back now, I was living in what they call denial.
Always thinking positive, thinking it was a good start, thinking tomorrow would
be better - Boy, was I in a cloud....
This is how the rest of the stories goes, once he didnt go to the doctor or the counselor.
I even got threatned NOT to tell the doctor how much he was drinking!
After, he came home. Our lives went back to normal. The drunk, The sorry's, Im not feeling good, Oh, it's just the food that is making my stomach hurt, had a bad day
You know the stories!
(started getting ugly - sex was gone - lies started to get worse)
Then another visit to the ER. Time pases, now he got on a health food kick
Started drinking lots of juice and water
(stories got worse, work was going down the toliets, friends were gone)
The whiskey was now being hid in water bottles and disguised with grape juice
(his health got worse, he become violent, he started to steal money from me)
I ran for my life, he checked himself into rehab, he drank again
(he moved away, so he could drink some more - blamed it on the job)
I am now beyond exhausted - I stepped out of denial - Got a divorce
( he went back into rehab - got sober and he still lives in denial that he
has a problem)
end of my marriage
I no longer, wish, wait, hope, live in denial with him or anyone!
It's up to you, what part of this story - YOU want to find help for YOU!!!!
Find a Alanon class - they are free - and it was one of the best things I did for
me - was to sit in a room of others - that understand exactly what your saying!
You may not want to talk, you may want to listen - Its all up to you!
But it's wonderful support for you!!!
Because, if your like me - I was exhausted!
At some point you have to ask yourself:
What am I going to do about me????
He is a grown man- Let him figure his "dogdoo" out by himself
You have to take care of you - Because, theres no way in heck it will be
him taking care of you - Right!??!?!
My heart is with you!!! - Dang! - I know that word "tired" and your there!
Looking back now, I was living in what they call denial.
Always thinking positive, thinking it was a good start, thinking tomorrow would
be better - Boy, was I in a cloud....
This is how the rest of the stories goes, once he didnt go to the doctor or the counselor.
I even got threatned NOT to tell the doctor how much he was drinking!
After, he came home. Our lives went back to normal. The drunk, The sorry's, Im not feeling good, Oh, it's just the food that is making my stomach hurt, had a bad day
You know the stories!
(started getting ugly - sex was gone - lies started to get worse)
Then another visit to the ER. Time pases, now he got on a health food kick
Started drinking lots of juice and water
(stories got worse, work was going down the toliets, friends were gone)
The whiskey was now being hid in water bottles and disguised with grape juice
(his health got worse, he become violent, he started to steal money from me)
I ran for my life, he checked himself into rehab, he drank again
(he moved away, so he could drink some more - blamed it on the job)
I am now beyond exhausted - I stepped out of denial - Got a divorce
( he went back into rehab - got sober and he still lives in denial that he
has a problem)
end of my marriage
I no longer, wish, wait, hope, live in denial with him or anyone!
It's up to you, what part of this story - YOU want to find help for YOU!!!!
Find a Alanon class - they are free - and it was one of the best things I did for
me - was to sit in a room of others - that understand exactly what your saying!
You may not want to talk, you may want to listen - Its all up to you!
But it's wonderful support for you!!!
Because, if your like me - I was exhausted!
At some point you have to ask yourself:
What am I going to do about me????
He is a grown man- Let him figure his "dogdoo" out by himself
You have to take care of you - Because, theres no way in heck it will be
him taking care of you - Right!??!?!
My heart is with you!!! - Dang! - I know that word "tired" and your there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I feel for you. I really do. I've been there. I've gone through everything you've described. I was tired and angry and felt trapped like an animal in a cage.
And then I went to Al anon. And I learned a few really important lessons.
1. My exah had a disease. And his disease is a progressive one...meaning it will only get worse over time. And even if my exah did manage to quit drinking for a period of time, he always went back to it and every time he went back, it got worse.
2. There was nothing I could do or say that would change things. I could yell and scream and cry and beg and pout and ignore and hit and slap and throw things (I did all of these things) all I wanted but none of it mattered. It just made ME sick.
3. The only person I can fix is ME. That's it. I was just as sick as he was only I didn't know it. I was so full of rage at him and at me for 'putting up with it' that I couldn't see straight. I made really bad decision after really bad decision based on anger and fear and sometimes hate for my exah and myself. These decisions got me nowhere. They just kept me locked in the dance of an alocholic/codependent relationship/marriage.
4. When I stopped paying attention to what HE was doing, and started paying attention to ME and what I needed, things started to get better. And it all started with Al Anon.
You aren't trapped.
You are free to create the life you want for yourself.
Whether that life involves divorce or just a healthier way to live with the disease of alcoholism in your marriage is entirely up to you. Some people can stay and manage to live peaceful, happy lives whether the alocholic quits drinking or not. Personally, I am not one of these people although they do exist here at SR and out in the real world. But the one thing we ALL share no matter what decision we made in the end, we learn that we are POWERLESS over another person's drinking and we learn to take care of ourselves.
My heart goes out to you.
I hope you find your path to peace...because the path you are on right now can lead to your spiritual, emotional and physical demise. Codependency is no joke. It can be just as deadly as the alcoholism.
Sending strength and hope...
Mary
And then I went to Al anon. And I learned a few really important lessons.
1. My exah had a disease. And his disease is a progressive one...meaning it will only get worse over time. And even if my exah did manage to quit drinking for a period of time, he always went back to it and every time he went back, it got worse.
2. There was nothing I could do or say that would change things. I could yell and scream and cry and beg and pout and ignore and hit and slap and throw things (I did all of these things) all I wanted but none of it mattered. It just made ME sick.
3. The only person I can fix is ME. That's it. I was just as sick as he was only I didn't know it. I was so full of rage at him and at me for 'putting up with it' that I couldn't see straight. I made really bad decision after really bad decision based on anger and fear and sometimes hate for my exah and myself. These decisions got me nowhere. They just kept me locked in the dance of an alocholic/codependent relationship/marriage.
4. When I stopped paying attention to what HE was doing, and started paying attention to ME and what I needed, things started to get better. And it all started with Al Anon.
You aren't trapped.
You are free to create the life you want for yourself.
Whether that life involves divorce or just a healthier way to live with the disease of alcoholism in your marriage is entirely up to you. Some people can stay and manage to live peaceful, happy lives whether the alocholic quits drinking or not. Personally, I am not one of these people although they do exist here at SR and out in the real world. But the one thing we ALL share no matter what decision we made in the end, we learn that we are POWERLESS over another person's drinking and we learn to take care of ourselves.
My heart goes out to you.
I hope you find your path to peace...because the path you are on right now can lead to your spiritual, emotional and physical demise. Codependency is no joke. It can be just as deadly as the alcoholism.
Sending strength and hope...
Mary
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
The beginning of the end of my marriage was our 6th anniversary. The day was suppose to be a happy joyous celebration... Instead, i spent it watching my ah get completely smashed at our neighbors house. He then turned on me in a verbal tirade that was completely deplorable... In front of our neighbors.
That was the first pure of denial stripped off. The beginning of my eyes opening to the reality of my situation. As much as that moment sucked... I'm grateful for it. It shoved reality square in my face... Forcing me to see my life, as-is.
It's been almost 2 years since that day... My life is worlds away from the hell it once was.
That was the first pure of denial stripped off. The beginning of my eyes opening to the reality of my situation. As much as that moment sucked... I'm grateful for it. It shoved reality square in my face... Forcing me to see my life, as-is.
It's been almost 2 years since that day... My life is worlds away from the hell it once was.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have no ESH related to this story other than to say my life was once as chaotic as you described. I was super-responsible me, trying to maintain everything in my life, plus putting out fires created by the addict and his spouse, just exhausted and getting nowhere. Until I went No Contact from them (and unfortunately their children). That is when I learned what peace and serenity really mean. I live a simple, quiet life, and I avoid taking on more responsibility than I can handle. There's no one here to force their chaos and irresponsibility on me any longer, thank goodness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
@BobbyJ, I certainly am exhausted. I have no energy left. I have no passion left. He's been hiding his drinking (downing bottles of vodka & hiding them around the house) for so many months now that I've lost count. He's been in his "intensive outpatient program" (IOP) for a few months, but I don't think it's doing him much good. It started out as three times a week meeting with other addicts and a counselor - somewhat like AA, but without the rules of taking your turn, etc. They told him that after x number of those meetings, he was ready for after-care & could just go once a week. He's been going to therapy to try to work on some of his underlying issues, but he hasn't fully committed to it, has missed so many sessions, and now his therapist is on maternity leave and he has just barely started a couple of sessions with one of the IOP counselors, who is pretty much only focusing on only the addiction parts of his issues & not his other issues (he has a lot of anger, abandonment, trust, anxiety, etc. issues rooted in his younger family life). To put it simply, he's still a hurt teenager and hasn't truly processed or dealt with any of the pain he's experienced since he left home as a kid. And know that I've enabled him to remain that way.
His sister is under the impression that his alcoholism is a symptom of his mental health issues. She doesn't believe it's a disease, or at least that's the impression both AH and I get. I look at alcoholism like adult onset diabetes - you can be predisposed to it, and it's your own actions & choices & what you put into your body that bring it on, but once it's there, you're SICK. I'm doing my best to try to be supportive of him as he works through things and gets treatment, but what he's doing so far is not working. I'm encouraging him to go to more AA meetings (he HATES the hellfire-and-brimstone meetings and just goes to the one Quad A meeting a week...sometimes), to have more frequent therapy sessions, and to speak with a doctor who can perhaps medicate him if he needs it for his mental health & anxiety issues. But I can't be any more supportive and I can't make him do anything. And I'm losing the energy and will to be supportive at all. I'm still trying to figure out how I can focus more on me and improving my life, which is about the only thing I *can* control.
@Outonalimb, thank you for your words. Rereading your post had me tearing up a bit just now. I do feel trapped in so many ways - I'm pretty much alone in this city, a time zone away from my family, no real friends to speak of. All I really have now is my work and my dog - those are the two things I can count on. I'll take all the strength & hope you can muster to send my way!
@Gettingby - I don't know what it is about special occasions, but they traditionally have sucked HARD the last few years. I'm sick of being embarrassed by my AH's behavior and sick of missing out on things. We stopped going to friend gatherings altogether (and now there are no friends left) - I'm a strong woman, but I have my physical limits...I can't always be expected to pour him into the car or hold him up while walking to get him home! Just about all the major milestones & holidays for the last couple years have been ruined by him. Our anniversary, my birthday, almost every holiday, long weekend...hell, even most regular weekends. Once he's blotto, he's not verbally or physically abusive to anyone but himself...even though the abuse isn't aimed at me, it still hurts me. Trying to "counsel" a drunk while they're drunk about all the things they hate about themselves is just insane, although I did it for a long time. Sometimes I did it because I felt that it was the right thing to do to help him and be supportive, and sometimes because I didn't recognize the signs and didn't know that he was drunk. He got quite good at being functional while plowed.
@L2L...oh, super-responsible me...when will she ever learn?! I've always had that mommy-mode thing, where I feel compelled to take care of those around me & make sure everything is "just so." Unfortunately, the only person I'm NOT taking care of is ME. I'm good at counseling others with their issues and encouraging them to do what is right for them, but I suck at doing that for myself. I think I'm going to have to start thinking of & talking to myself in the third person so I can counsel myself properly. What would I tell someone else in my situation?!
His sister is under the impression that his alcoholism is a symptom of his mental health issues. She doesn't believe it's a disease, or at least that's the impression both AH and I get. I look at alcoholism like adult onset diabetes - you can be predisposed to it, and it's your own actions & choices & what you put into your body that bring it on, but once it's there, you're SICK. I'm doing my best to try to be supportive of him as he works through things and gets treatment, but what he's doing so far is not working. I'm encouraging him to go to more AA meetings (he HATES the hellfire-and-brimstone meetings and just goes to the one Quad A meeting a week...sometimes), to have more frequent therapy sessions, and to speak with a doctor who can perhaps medicate him if he needs it for his mental health & anxiety issues. But I can't be any more supportive and I can't make him do anything. And I'm losing the energy and will to be supportive at all. I'm still trying to figure out how I can focus more on me and improving my life, which is about the only thing I *can* control.
@Outonalimb, thank you for your words. Rereading your post had me tearing up a bit just now. I do feel trapped in so many ways - I'm pretty much alone in this city, a time zone away from my family, no real friends to speak of. All I really have now is my work and my dog - those are the two things I can count on. I'll take all the strength & hope you can muster to send my way!
@Gettingby - I don't know what it is about special occasions, but they traditionally have sucked HARD the last few years. I'm sick of being embarrassed by my AH's behavior and sick of missing out on things. We stopped going to friend gatherings altogether (and now there are no friends left) - I'm a strong woman, but I have my physical limits...I can't always be expected to pour him into the car or hold him up while walking to get him home! Just about all the major milestones & holidays for the last couple years have been ruined by him. Our anniversary, my birthday, almost every holiday, long weekend...hell, even most regular weekends. Once he's blotto, he's not verbally or physically abusive to anyone but himself...even though the abuse isn't aimed at me, it still hurts me. Trying to "counsel" a drunk while they're drunk about all the things they hate about themselves is just insane, although I did it for a long time. Sometimes I did it because I felt that it was the right thing to do to help him and be supportive, and sometimes because I didn't recognize the signs and didn't know that he was drunk. He got quite good at being functional while plowed.
@L2L...oh, super-responsible me...when will she ever learn?! I've always had that mommy-mode thing, where I feel compelled to take care of those around me & make sure everything is "just so." Unfortunately, the only person I'm NOT taking care of is ME. I'm good at counseling others with their issues and encouraging them to do what is right for them, but I suck at doing that for myself. I think I'm going to have to start thinking of & talking to myself in the third person so I can counsel myself properly. What would I tell someone else in my situation?!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((((((((((((Cecelia))))))))))))))) I think that is one of the most beautiful names, btw....
Just like the alcoholic, I think codependents have to hit their 'bottom' too.
My bottom was when I found myself standing in the middle of my livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs-full of absolute rage and fury- over my exah's continued drinking. I literally saw red at that moment. I felt so out of control I scared myself. I could have picked up a baseball bat or a knife or something at that very moment and actually killed my exah. I was that angry - that out of control. And then I looked at my 12 year old son who walked into the room and I felt like the absolute WORST mother in the world. I had to go and lock myself in my bedroom to regain some control. I was afraid of myself at that moment. Afraid of what I might do....what I felt entirely CAPABLE of doing...and I would have felt justified in it.
I look back now and I see how absolutely insane I had become. I was reeling out of control. Although I had been in this place before, this time it was worse. I actually think codependency is a progressive illness too because just like the alcoholic, our actions and thoughts become more and more illogical and unreasonable.
I hear you talk about how many programs your AH has been involved in...and I hear you voice your opinions about whetehr they are helping or not...but what are YOU doing to HELP YOU today Cecelia? Have you given Al Anon a try? What are you doing to help the only person you can help? You??
Just like the alcoholic, I think codependents have to hit their 'bottom' too.
My bottom was when I found myself standing in the middle of my livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs-full of absolute rage and fury- over my exah's continued drinking. I literally saw red at that moment. I felt so out of control I scared myself. I could have picked up a baseball bat or a knife or something at that very moment and actually killed my exah. I was that angry - that out of control. And then I looked at my 12 year old son who walked into the room and I felt like the absolute WORST mother in the world. I had to go and lock myself in my bedroom to regain some control. I was afraid of myself at that moment. Afraid of what I might do....what I felt entirely CAPABLE of doing...and I would have felt justified in it.
I look back now and I see how absolutely insane I had become. I was reeling out of control. Although I had been in this place before, this time it was worse. I actually think codependency is a progressive illness too because just like the alcoholic, our actions and thoughts become more and more illogical and unreasonable.
I hear you talk about how many programs your AH has been involved in...and I hear you voice your opinions about whetehr they are helping or not...but what are YOU doing to HELP YOU today Cecelia? Have you given Al Anon a try? What are you doing to help the only person you can help? You??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm not sure if I've hit bottom already, or if I've gone into bottom's basement and gotten lost down there at this point. (I *do* have a terrible sense of direction, lol!) I can honestly say that the only things I'm doing for myself at this point are working and coming here. I am still so unsure if Al Anon will be helpful for me. I'm hesitant to try it. For those who have gone, is there a strong focus on religion?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I can only tell you about Al anon based on MY experience with it. In my experience it is a SPIRITUAL program...not a religious one. We practice the twelve steps...the same twelve steps practiced by alcoholics. The first three steps are:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step one was pretty easy. When I hit my bottom, I knew i was powerless over alcohol (i.e. my husband's drinking). I knew my life had become unmanageable.
In step two I 'came to believe' that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. At al anon meetings, you will often hear peolple referring to their 'higher power'. For many, this is God. But agnostics practice this program also. For these people, this higher power is nature or some other force or spirit of nature or the universe that is greater than them. This is why the program is so unique to each individual...it encourages us to find our own higher power...
And in step three we are urged to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (or our higher power) as we understand him.
I was raised with religion. I spent twelve years in Catholic schools. I made all my sacraments....But I didnt' ahve a relationship with God until I was in so much pain that I had to search him our and find out who he really was for myself.
God IS at the center of "MY" program....but that's just the way it works for me. The program can be adapted to fit your own personal belief system and faith. LIke I said at the beginning, it is a SPRITUAL program not a religious one.
I hope this made sense.
I hope you'll give it a try. After YEARS of struggling to find a way out (which consisted almost entirely of hanging out here at SR), I finally surrendered and went to a meeting and I can very honestly say my life has changed immeasurably for the better. I still struggle. I still love an alcoholic (even though I divorced him). Working the steps in Al anon, finding a sponsor, and going to meetings, helped me find the peace and centeredness that eluded me for so long.
Whatever you decide to do...whether its al anon or just individual counseling, I urge you to do SOMETHING thats aimed at just helping YOU get healthier. You're worth it....
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Step one was pretty easy. When I hit my bottom, I knew i was powerless over alcohol (i.e. my husband's drinking). I knew my life had become unmanageable.
In step two I 'came to believe' that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. At al anon meetings, you will often hear peolple referring to their 'higher power'. For many, this is God. But agnostics practice this program also. For these people, this higher power is nature or some other force or spirit of nature or the universe that is greater than them. This is why the program is so unique to each individual...it encourages us to find our own higher power...
And in step three we are urged to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (or our higher power) as we understand him.
I was raised with religion. I spent twelve years in Catholic schools. I made all my sacraments....But I didnt' ahve a relationship with God until I was in so much pain that I had to search him our and find out who he really was for myself.
God IS at the center of "MY" program....but that's just the way it works for me. The program can be adapted to fit your own personal belief system and faith. LIke I said at the beginning, it is a SPRITUAL program not a religious one.
I hope this made sense.
I hope you'll give it a try. After YEARS of struggling to find a way out (which consisted almost entirely of hanging out here at SR), I finally surrendered and went to a meeting and I can very honestly say my life has changed immeasurably for the better. I still struggle. I still love an alcoholic (even though I divorced him). Working the steps in Al anon, finding a sponsor, and going to meetings, helped me find the peace and centeredness that eluded me for so long.
Whatever you decide to do...whether its al anon or just individual counseling, I urge you to do SOMETHING thats aimed at just helping YOU get healthier. You're worth it....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
I am not really qualified to reply because I am an alcoholic, not the spouse of one. All I can say is, in my humble opinion, is that I think you should at least TRY alanon. Like I said, I've never been, so who am I to say. What I do know is that it has helped a lot of people and it may help you too. It certainly cannot make things any worse. And I can tell you this. I went to my first AA meeting last night. Full of doubt, Leary about the religious aspect, not really sure what I was getting into. I did know that what I had tried in the past was NOT working. Well, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am going again tonight. Again, I don't know much about alanon, but I think being with other people that understand what you a going through can be very helpful. And I don't think it's very religious, others may be able to address that more. Good luck to you and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by Sobersunshine 
I am not really qualified to reply because I am an alcoholic, not the spouse of one. All I can say is, in my humble opinion, is that I think you should at least TRY alanon. Like I said, I've never been, so who am I to say. What I do know is that it has helped a lot of people and it may help you too. It certainly cannot make things any worse. And I can tell you this. I went to my first AA meeting last night. Full of doubt, Leary about the religious aspect, not really sure what I was getting into. I did know that what I had tried in the past was NOT working. Well, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am going again tonight. Again, I don't know much about alanon, but I think being with other people that understand what you a going through can be very helpful. And I don't think it's very religious, others may be able to address that more. Good luck to you and hugs.
Good luck and hugs to you as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Ceciliav-no hellfire in al anon. I went to catholic high school but have never been very religious. The meetings I have gone to (trying to find my most comfortable spot) none of them have been heavy religion based. A few mentions of your higher power-but that is whoever you chose it to be. Go to a meeting-hell I went to my first one in hysterical tears. People understand-and they care. People have even mentioned being atheist in one of te meetings I went to. Don't let religion hold you back. Let us know how it goes. Best of luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
