Admiral

Hello, I have been completely clean for 31 days now, and while there have been some difficult times, for the most part It hasn't been all that hard. I know from past experiences that I can go for seven to twelve weeks with mild or non existent cravings, but I also know that sooner or later they will come back and they will be powerful.

This is what gets to me;
"Failure to plan is planning to fail."

What have I done to plan? I've told myself that I will not use ever again and that anything outside of that commitment is a lie from the addictive voice. I've come to recognize the inner workings of addiction and my triggers, I come here every day to the forums and to the chat. Other than that I haven't done anything and sometimes I feel afraid when I hear people talk about how we are powerless over alcohol and the only way is to turn to a higher power... I get these ideas in my head that I'm only fooling myself and that I will in fact never succeed without some extraordinary spiritual awakening or massive change in my life.

Change comes in many ways, shapes and forms and I guess I just feel afraid that I still "Don't get it" and that I'm just going to fall back into old habits. I've set goals for myself, I feel strong and empowered at the fact that I am healing every day, I want to feel good about these things but this voice keeps popping up and telling me that I'm not doing it right and that I'm falling short and will fail again some day.

24hrsAday

I feel strong and empowered at the fact that I am healing every day

^ you can do it admiral One day at a time!

Sapling

I don't know.....I guess for myself I needed that change....Not to mention the support of other alcoholics....I needed a new life...That's what AA gave me...Is that what you need?....I don't have a clue. I guess you could try it and find out....I don't think it's for everybody...But it was exactly what I needed.

MrsKing

If it's working for you then don't stress about it. Don't doubt what you're doing - that in itself is your addictive voice.

I'm five months sober, and I'm doing exactly the same as you

IndaMiricale

I need to be taught how to learn without alcohol, I had never really been sober in my life.

I needed AA and the people before me to guide me and give me suggestions. Then its all in my court to follow thru.. And I love the new life with AA in every aspect of it..

I hope you find your road ...

hypochondriac

Admiral, I could have written your post on any day since I stopped drinking! I am constantly doubting myself, thinking I'm doing it all wrong... I don't know whether I should be thanking that voice though because at least it keeps me from getting complacent! I think change can be gradual too, keep doing something positive for your sobriety every day and you will be on the right track. I know that the support I have needed has changed as time has passed. Months down the line I stopped feeling quite so guilty for not doing the stuff other people thought I should be doing and just stuck to what I felt like I needed x

Admiral

No, I don't feel drawn to AA at all, I've read over the steps and I've read some of the big book, it just doesn't make sense to me. Even the wording of the book itself feels clumsy and awkward, like I can't wrap my head around the authors writing style. I could try to force it on myself but I know better, I don't hesitate out of fear, I hesitate because the material and program really don't make a whole lot of sense to me, like I get it, but I don't think in that way and I downright disagree with some of the stuff.

I don't feel an absence in my life, I don't feel the need for a major change, just this inadequate feeling that I'm not doing enough, or that I'm not doing it right, and that feeling comes purely out of fear I think, not from an actual belief that it is true.

I have come to learn a great deal about myself and addiction from coming here, and I plan to continue coming here every day, I just hope that is enough.

Sapling

I saw this line on a site about going to your first AA meeting...I'll post it here. I don't really care if you go to AA or not....It doesn't matter to me. I didn't know if it would work for me....I had to go to find out....I was willing to try anything and here were people that were talking about being sober for 20...30....40 and even 50 years. That's what I wanted....I know if I drink it will kill me. But I had stopped before and made it about 10 months on my own....And I have never been so miserable in my life....I was worse than when I was drinking....And I went back to drinkling, almost to the bitter end. That was 10 years later I went to AA....And that is where I learned to live without alcohol....That's what those 12 steps taught me....That was something I couldn't do alone. Anyway...This is the line I was talking about.

Fear is the great enemy of recovery from alcoholism and indeed from any serious addiction.

It's from this site.

Your First AA Meeting<

pipparina

Admiral, you've been sober for 31 days. Sounds to me like you get it. If you are reaching out to other sober people, checking in on here, and not drinking, your doing a lot of the right things.

I felt the same way when I was counting days. Like I didn't get it. An AA member with something like 20 years told me "there's nothing to get. Just don't drink".

As you collect more time, more will come to. Give your brain some time heal and don't complicate it for yourself.