Payne

I came onto the website again a couple months ago for a refresher, that was after a long and terrible night and I was more out than in my mind. Tonight I decided to give myself a gift, when I started I didn't know if it would be good or bad. I decided to read through my old posts to see where I was and where I am. My own time capsule of recovery!
This weekend while out with friends I found myself attracted to my best friends ex. She has since moved on to a man she absolutely adores. That night I asked her how she felt, and she said it would be fine. However when her ex and me truly began talking and our body language changed I noticed hers did also. So I pulled back until we could talk in a calmer environment as no guy was worth that friendship. Well I chickened out! I spent the next couple days talking to the guy without talking to her about it. Finally yesterday I got up the guts to ask her how she felt. The terrified little acoa in me was shaking to the core. However she's always been supportive and open. I was met by a brick wall with electic fences around it.
I immediately cut off contact with the guy, apologized for not being concientious enough of her feelings, and followed her request to not talk about it. Two days later I visited her as planned for dinner and for me to stay at her house since we live a city away. She was cold and distant and talked to me only when neccessary, which was brusque considering we had been talking just fine all day.
Now that I explained in depth the situation here's where the pride comes in. Yesterday when we weren't talking instead of freaking out and crying and "needing to fix" the situation and telling anyone who would listen about it praying for an answer, as i would have in my past. I went to a bar (I work there and have many acquaintances) ordered a water and read. This kept me from being alone and brooding. Once I had managed to relax and chuckle a few times with people, but before I felt the urge to talk about something that wasn't their business I excused myself. At home I didn't punch walls or yell at the dogs, or cut or drink. I simply handled some paperwork on my computer cleaned the house then read. My whole heart, head, and body wanted to act to scream to make her tell me everything was okay. And before I would have done that.
Today we talked perfectly normal but when I arrived I quickly noted how cold she was to me. I reminded myself that she is allowed to her feelings and moods also, and that I don't have to agree whether she is allowed to be upset, she is and I must still respect that. Her being upset/mad does not negate our friendship nor the fact that she cares. Before I would not have been able to form the thoughts much less manage to repeat them and sit across the table reading while she pulled out work in order to avoid me.
I nearly flipped out and left, but at the last moment decided that rash and uncalled for actions were the old me. I calmly asked if she would like me to go. She said no and went back to her work. Shortly after she quietly went and got us ice cream. We didn't talk while we ate like usual, we didn't laugh, but the friendship was there.
Before and in my old posts, everything was an inferno, act now or be left behind. React and re-react fix it all now. If you don't save the friendship from this moment it will be gone forever.
I realized tonight that bad moments happen, winter happens. It covers up the grass and the flowers and trees, and sometimes its a little cold. But if whats below it is true, all you have to do is wait, enjoy your hot chocolate, and the snow will melt when its ready. No one has a big enough hairdryer to rush it. Friends will get mad, they will get dissapointed and hurt because I'm not perfect. My friends respect when I'm an ACoA and go "nuts" I need to respect that sometimes those responses hurt them and they need time. It sounds logical and perfectly correct, but realizing how I used to react and how I do now. I see the differences. I'm still an ACoA who can't help but press the big self destruct button, but I no longer run around like a farce trying to fix it. Now I calmly type my password in and wait for the crisis to pass.