Having a very hard time coping
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 33
Having a very hard time coping
I know I wrote on here about my brother and his prescription pills abuse and how unacceptable his behavior has been lately. Looking at that post I realize that the only vision I gave of him is of this scary monster but that is not who he is. My brother has been my best friend for years and was a model child untill his mental illnesses came on. He was still a sweetheart then but fell into a deep depression and suffered a lot from depression and anxiety. One of the reasons why I feel so broken is because for so many years I saw someone I loved so much live in agony. I am not talking about a normal "sadness" that most people go through every now and then. I am talking about completely closing yourself off from the world where he watched no tv, no music, no friends, and just LITERALLY would stare outside the window all day. He has been diagnosed with a lot of disorders and in the past few years I have seen him lose his mind and his spirit one day at a time. Of course he has been to many mental hospitals, therapists and whatever u can think of to no avail. He would get better but then become depressed again. They have diagnosed him with schizophrenia, bipolar and a few other things.
As far as the violence goes, he has NOT been a violent person the way it came across. He has caused my parents money due to his treatments etc and accidentally pushed my sister once and she had to have surgery and therapy for her hand cuz she fell on it. And he became very upset about that because he didnt mean to hurt her. He started abusing prescription pills after his psychiatrist started prescribing him xanax. He became addicted and in combination with his disorders it was not very pleasant. He went to jail before and was released on parole and rehab. Went to rehab, came back SOOO SOOOO GOOD. It was like the old him was back. But then became depressed again, saw his psych and started abusing pills again. This month has been the WORST month for our family. There have been threats (if anyone mentioned calling the police if he didnt stop his tamper tantrums about the pills) and on an extremely bad day there was a fight and he hit my father. Without even understanding, the police decided to go ahead and send the police report to the DA to press charges and won't let me take them back.
I feel so broken inside. I don't know what to do. I know many of you will say "he is an addict. he deserves it for hitting his father and for how badly he has been behaving" but this is my brother and i love him very much and KNOW he can get better. I dont know how to make this better. We are talking to his lawyer but he is so busy and not always available when i need him. How can I cope???
As far as the violence goes, he has NOT been a violent person the way it came across. He has caused my parents money due to his treatments etc and accidentally pushed my sister once and she had to have surgery and therapy for her hand cuz she fell on it. And he became very upset about that because he didnt mean to hurt her. He started abusing prescription pills after his psychiatrist started prescribing him xanax. He became addicted and in combination with his disorders it was not very pleasant. He went to jail before and was released on parole and rehab. Went to rehab, came back SOOO SOOOO GOOD. It was like the old him was back. But then became depressed again, saw his psych and started abusing pills again. This month has been the WORST month for our family. There have been threats (if anyone mentioned calling the police if he didnt stop his tamper tantrums about the pills) and on an extremely bad day there was a fight and he hit my father. Without even understanding, the police decided to go ahead and send the police report to the DA to press charges and won't let me take them back.
I feel so broken inside. I don't know what to do. I know many of you will say "he is an addict. he deserves it for hitting his father and for how badly he has been behaving" but this is my brother and i love him very much and KNOW he can get better. I dont know how to make this better. We are talking to his lawyer but he is so busy and not always available when i need him. How can I cope???
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by Beautifulsoul 
I feel so broken inside. I don't know what to do. I know many of you will say "he is an addict. he deserves it for hitting his father and for how badly he has been behaving" but this is my brother and i love him very much and KNOW he can get better. I dont know how to make this better. We are talking to his lawyer but he is so busy and not always available when i need him. How can I cope???
I grew up with an alcoholic father. I have a brother who is an alcoholic/addict, and I have a son who is an addict in recovery. I understand how broken you feel - I have been there.
You cannot make your brother better. That may take you time to accept, but it is the truth. You can try and try and try, and all that will happen is that you will lose your own life in the process. You'll wake up 10 years from now still trying to help him - and your life will have passed you by.
Although you can't make him better, you can achieve serenity for yourself, and move on with your life. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Start attending AlAnon meetings. Do something everyday that is just for you. Eventually, you will feel better.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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Beautiful, I can relate 100% my oldest AS has a diagnosis of schizoaffective which is a combination of bipolar and schizophrenia he also has a diagnosis of antisocial personality.
He started seeing and hearing things when he was 6 years old, reality is there is nothing I can do for him he refuses his meds. and self medicates when he is not in jail or prison.
I use to lock myself and my other kids in a room and place dressers against the door when he was 12 to keep us safe from his tyrants.
There really is nothing you can do focus on you he is gonna do what ever he is gonna do
don't let your life be destroyed.
Sunday'sChild, is right I am not saying it is easy but I can promise you i t is worth it.
I love my son but that is all I can do.
He started seeing and hearing things when he was 6 years old, reality is there is nothing I can do for him he refuses his meds. and self medicates when he is not in jail or prison.
I use to lock myself and my other kids in a room and place dressers against the door when he was 12 to keep us safe from his tyrants.
There really is nothing you can do focus on you he is gonna do what ever he is gonna do
don't let your life be destroyed.
Sunday'sChild, is right I am not saying it is easy but I can promise you i t is worth it.
I love my son but that is all I can do.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hon, you are very codependent and in deep denial. Are you going to meetings? Are you in therapy? Have you read Codependent No More? These are things that you can do to give you some peace of mind.
You have your own life to live, you cannot walk in your brothers shoes...no matter how hard you try.
You have your own life to live, you cannot walk in your brothers shoes...no matter how hard you try.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Sigh. It is the fact that the police are now involved while he is on parole that tears me apart, because *I* filed the report. I know I can't do anything to help him not abuse pills. For some reason I feel this need to "save" him because he isn't mentally stable. How does one NOT try to save their loved one when they have a dual diagnosis? I know what you all mean though.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Just because he has some mental health diagnosis does not excuse unacceptable behavior. That does not give him the right to physically abuse anyone. If he got a professional diagnosis, I assume he was also given meds and/or advice to get therapy to help himself. If he chooses not to take care of his mental health, and chooses instead to abuse drugs and become a violent person, he deserves to face the consequences just as someone who does not have a mental health diagnosis.
What you did was the RIGHT thing. You have got to stop blaming yourself for what he is facing because even if you don't think so, he DESERVES to face these consequences. He has to learn that he cannot abuse people, whether it be physically, emotionally or in any other way.
It was more than likely just a matter of time anyway before he would be where he is now. The sooner he learns that he cannot break the law without consequence, the better for him and everyone else.
What you did was the RIGHT thing. You have got to stop blaming yourself for what he is facing because even if you don't think so, he DESERVES to face these consequences. He has to learn that he cannot abuse people, whether it be physically, emotionally or in any other way.
It was more than likely just a matter of time anyway before he would be where he is now. The sooner he learns that he cannot break the law without consequence, the better for him and everyone else.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Beautiful soul,
My brother is bipolar, among other things, in addition to his addiction issues. He has attempted suicide 4 times that I know of - the last time was pretty close. He has also had accidental overdoses which have led to other medical issues. I spent years rising to his latest crisis - talking to doctors on his behalf, rushing to his hospital bed. Last spring I got a call from a hospital that he'd been admitted. He had listed me as his "responsible person." They were calling for authorization to treat - he needed a surgical procedure, but was not "competent" to make his own decisions. I gave the nurse the ok to treat, made sure she understood his background, and got off the phone. I did not drive down to the hospital. The recovery work I'd done because of my AS had "spilled over" - FINALLY. I've been saving my brother on and off since he was 16...and he's 49 now.
33 years. That's a long time. I love my brother, I still have a relationship with him, but I will not participate in his addiction.
Your problem is not unique- we on SR have parents, lovers, spouses, friends, children, and siblings whose disease sucks us in until we are crazy, too. Love cannot fix this disease.
You did not call the police to hurt your brother- you called to keep yourself safe. If he his arrested it will not be your fault. He needs to be accountable for his actions.
My brother is bipolar, among other things, in addition to his addiction issues. He has attempted suicide 4 times that I know of - the last time was pretty close. He has also had accidental overdoses which have led to other medical issues. I spent years rising to his latest crisis - talking to doctors on his behalf, rushing to his hospital bed. Last spring I got a call from a hospital that he'd been admitted. He had listed me as his "responsible person." They were calling for authorization to treat - he needed a surgical procedure, but was not "competent" to make his own decisions. I gave the nurse the ok to treat, made sure she understood his background, and got off the phone. I did not drive down to the hospital. The recovery work I'd done because of my AS had "spilled over" - FINALLY. I've been saving my brother on and off since he was 16...and he's 49 now.
33 years. That's a long time. I love my brother, I still have a relationship with him, but I will not participate in his addiction.
Your problem is not unique- we on SR have parents, lovers, spouses, friends, children, and siblings whose disease sucks us in until we are crazy, too. Love cannot fix this disease.
You did not call the police to hurt your brother- you called to keep yourself safe. If he his arrested it will not be your fault. He needs to be accountable for his actions.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What came first...the chicken or the egg? A very large percentage of addicts have mental issues, yet they are not physical abusers. IMHO your brother is a very dangerous man, perhaps being in the clinker for awhile will wake him up.
You did not do this to him, he did it to himself.
You did not do this to him, he did it to himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Beautiful, it appears to me you are feeling guilty and I get that I really do... I have called the police on my son before watched them put him in the car and watched his mouth screaming mamma as they drove away did I feel guilty YES....
After work on my own issues I was finally able to see I did what had to be done and it was a loving gesture. My sons illness in no way excuses his behaviors.
When he was younger and in the juvie system he had a special needs probation officer because of his diagnosis I asked her to please treat him like any other minor in the system she didn't he did not have to do everything the others sent to boot camp and other various programs had to and guess what he was taught by this that he was different he thought he could use his illness and get by with things.
Cold hard truth is once he turned 18 and could be put in jail he was treated just like everyone else she did him an injustice IMO.
I am hearing a lot about him and little about you , since you asked how can you cope well how about reading Codependent No more it can't hurt anything right?
Try some meetings again nothing to lose?
After work on my own issues I was finally able to see I did what had to be done and it was a loving gesture. My sons illness in no way excuses his behaviors.
When he was younger and in the juvie system he had a special needs probation officer because of his diagnosis I asked her to please treat him like any other minor in the system she didn't he did not have to do everything the others sent to boot camp and other various programs had to and guess what he was taught by this that he was different he thought he could use his illness and get by with things.
Cold hard truth is once he turned 18 and could be put in jail he was treated just like everyone else she did him an injustice IMO.
I am hearing a lot about him and little about you , since you asked how can you cope well how about reading Codependent No more it can't hurt anything right?
Try some meetings again nothing to lose?
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
It is not hopeless. There is always hope. The only thing you have to accept is that the family are the least equipped to help an addict, because of our savior mentality.
As far as the mental illness, I am of the firm belief that using makes mental illness far worse. I have read somewhere that a proper diagnosis cannot be done until someone is clean for at least a year. Your brother may have been using far longer than he admits. Addicts tell terrible lies to protect your addiction and try and get sympathy.
The sad thing is that all of us want the person back before the addiction. I have a photograph of my AS at 13. He is beautiful and healthy. Nothing like the living death he is now. It is one of the few things that still move me to tears. It reminds me of the beautiful person I have lost.
All we can do is to pray that our loved ones will be returned to us at some point and for us to find peace even if they aren't.
As far as the mental illness, I am of the firm belief that using makes mental illness far worse. I have read somewhere that a proper diagnosis cannot be done until someone is clean for at least a year. Your brother may have been using far longer than he admits. Addicts tell terrible lies to protect your addiction and try and get sympathy.
The sad thing is that all of us want the person back before the addiction. I have a photograph of my AS at 13. He is beautiful and healthy. Nothing like the living death he is now. It is one of the few things that still move me to tears. It reminds me of the beautiful person I have lost.
All we can do is to pray that our loved ones will be returned to us at some point and for us to find peace even if they aren't.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
"Is it really hopeless?"
It will continue to be hopeless for you if you (like your brother) are only focusing on the negative, only looking for the "easy" way out, only trying to point the finger of blame elsewhere.
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired yet? If so, try AlAnon or NarAnon, work on recovering from your dependency on your brother. If not, continue to feel hopeless . . .
Funny saying at our NarAnon "Give us a try for 6 meetings, if you don't like it or don't get something out of it, we'll gladly refund you your misery."
It will continue to be hopeless for you if you (like your brother) are only focusing on the negative, only looking for the "easy" way out, only trying to point the finger of blame elsewhere.
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired yet? If so, try AlAnon or NarAnon, work on recovering from your dependency on your brother. If not, continue to feel hopeless . . .
Funny saying at our NarAnon "Give us a try for 6 meetings, if you don't like it or don't get something out of it, we'll gladly refund you your misery."
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Originally Posted by Beautifulsoul
Is it really hopeless? :-( Is there any hope for addicts?
His parents had already lost one son in a car accident (he was only 15), their only daughter had colon cancer in her early 20's, and their oldest son recently died from drug related issues.
I swear it's a roll of the dice.
My old friend lives in the right state for his issues. His parents aren't wealthy but the state has efficient programs for their sons needs. Still, they had to let him fall so he could access them.
My state is absolute crap for this stuff, but we've got the resources to help our daughter. Still, we had to let her fall a few times so she'd want to access them.
The only thing I've discovered that I can do for my daughter, is to be strong. Not denial kind of strong, not suck it up and feel no pain kind of strong, but honest with myself kind of strong.
Admitting my pains and having the strength and courage to work my way through them, has helped my daughter more than anything. She just told me that last week, when she had to gather her own strength and courage.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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My brother started using to self medicate. His mental illneses were and still are very bad. I also have anxiety issues myself and have also suffered from depression in the past so i KNOW how painful it is. It would be easier for me if he didn't have these issues. I just pray that God is looking after him and all broken people in the world. Hopefully one day they will decide to save themselves.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
Beautiful...
My brother also has a dual diagnosis, however I question the validity because it was made while coming down from bath salts. In the end I ask myself if it matters. He is an addict. While I know there is a link between mental illness and drug abuse, many people manage without turning to drugs. You said that you suffer from anxiety, but yet you are not an addict. My brother chose to use, and like Sunday, I dropped everything and ran to his side many times over the past several months. It never made a difference, and each time he had the chance he used again. I have finally given myself permission to let the guilt go. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I gave my brother to God. He is the only one who can bring my brother to a place of recovery. Try not to blame yourself, even though that is easier said than done. Don't sacrifice your own mental health trying to save someone that only your HP can save. God bless!
My brother also has a dual diagnosis, however I question the validity because it was made while coming down from bath salts. In the end I ask myself if it matters. He is an addict. While I know there is a link between mental illness and drug abuse, many people manage without turning to drugs. You said that you suffer from anxiety, but yet you are not an addict. My brother chose to use, and like Sunday, I dropped everything and ran to his side many times over the past several months. It never made a difference, and each time he had the chance he used again. I have finally given myself permission to let the guilt go. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I gave my brother to God. He is the only one who can bring my brother to a place of recovery. Try not to blame yourself, even though that is easier said than done. Don't sacrifice your own mental health trying to save someone that only your HP can save. God bless!
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