How do I communicate this?
How do I communicate this?
AH thinks that he can be a social drinker...he thinks that he can tell me "I will cut back" and "I will only have a few on the weekends" (a few is way more than 3 to him BTW and its not just the weekends) and that everything is hunky dory now and why am I still closed off? and "how come I can never do anything right for you?" He thinks going 2 days without a drink is a big deal and I should give him a big pat on the back...how do I communicate that I do not trust that he can be a social drinker and that no, that plan is not good enough? I was really hoping he would continue to go to AA and that hopefully he'd get the support and tools that he needs to do this on his own...but he's not showing any initiative to continue with that and I want to draw a line in the sand for him...but I don't know how to communicate what that line is...
onceuponadream, I found that drawing lines in the sand was an invitation to more drama. My AW saw it as just another empty threat on my part and to be honest she was right. One of the best things I learned here and at Alanon is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
When I finally stopped trying to manage her problems, drinking and other issues and focused on my own I finally started to heal.
Your friend,
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
When I finally stopped trying to manage her problems, drinking and other issues and focused on my own I finally started to heal.
Your friend,
How is your recovery coming along? Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? Opended your own checking account? Preparing for your future?
I ask because it is imperative that you get healthy and whole, he doesn't care about lines in the sand, he'll just take his foot and run them out.
He is either in recovery, not drinking or he is not...that's it. Very few...less than 10% recover for life. This is his life, his battle to fight, nothing you say will make a difference. He already knows what you think.
Take care of you,
I ask because it is imperative that you get healthy and whole, he doesn't care about lines in the sand, he'll just take his foot and run them out.
He is either in recovery, not drinking or he is not...that's it. Very few...less than 10% recover for life. This is his life, his battle to fight, nothing you say will make a difference. He already knows what you think.
Take care of you,
So is the only answer to leave? I feel like everyone around me is going to feel like I'm being dramatic if I do that...like I'm making a big deal out of nothing...I guess I need to stop worrying about what other people think...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
As an alcoholic, I can only say that as long as people kept putting lines in the sand and letting the tide wash them away, I kept walking over them (both the lines and the people).
When you make an ultimatum with an alcoholic, you need to be prepared to carry through with the consequences. If you don't, the alcoholic will just take advantage
When you make an ultimatum with an alcoholic, you need to be prepared to carry through with the consequences. If you don't, the alcoholic will just take advantage
How is your recovery coming along? Are you attending Alanon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? Opended your own checking account? Preparing for your future?
I ask because it is imperative that you get healthy and whole, he doesn't care about lines in the sand, he'll just take his foot and run them out.
He is either in recovery, not drinking or he is not...that's it. Very few...less than 10% recover for life. This is his life, his battle to fight, nothing you say will make a difference. He already knows what you think.
Take care of you,
I ask because it is imperative that you get healthy and whole, he doesn't care about lines in the sand, he'll just take his foot and run them out.
He is either in recovery, not drinking or he is not...that's it. Very few...less than 10% recover for life. This is his life, his battle to fight, nothing you say will make a difference. He already knows what you think.
Take care of you,
You will leave when and IF you are ready to. In the meantime, work on you, prepare yourself for whatever comes your way, be able to take care of yourself...that is all I am saying. If you decide to be a lifer with him, that's fine, just keep your bounderies and recovery in place.
What others think of your decisions makes no difference in the scheme of life, they are not walking in your shoes...there are no dress rehersals, this is it, one life, one time around.
Do what is best for you.
What others think of your decisions makes no difference in the scheme of life, they are not walking in your shoes...there are no dress rehersals, this is it, one life, one time around.
Do what is best for you.
"What you think I should do is none of my business"
You can not control his drinking, all you can do is take care of how it effects you.
Addiction is his life, the answer is, what are you willing to put up with.
Dream, I don't think anyone is saying stay or leave. I think the primary focus of the comments so far is focus on your recovery and leave his to him.
I was married for 36 years and dealt with active alcoholism for 15 to 20 of them, with periods of not drinking intermixed throughout. I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. At that point it wasn't even a choice anymore, I HAD to leave.
Your friend,
I was married for 36 years and dealt with active alcoholism for 15 to 20 of them, with periods of not drinking intermixed throughout. I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. At that point it wasn't even a choice anymore, I HAD to leave.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
From my experience, if he wants to drink he will and it doesn't really matter what you say about it. I was with my ex for 3 years where he made various attempts to cut back or control his drinking but we always ended up in the same place... he did what he wanted to do, hid the truth and lied to me about it so I wouldn't find out. I got mad, he became verbally abusive, we got sick of it and then broke up.
I wish I had tried al-anon a while ago but didn't realize I needed it until after we broke up. I wasted a lot of time getting angry and upset about things that were really not in my control.
In any case, you need to figure out if you can accept him for who he is because it's pretty unlikely you will be able to convince him to quit... he's the only one that can do that.
I wish I had tried al-anon a while ago but didn't realize I needed it until after we broke up. I wasted a lot of time getting angry and upset about things that were really not in my control.
In any case, you need to figure out if you can accept him for who he is because it's pretty unlikely you will be able to convince him to quit... he's the only one that can do that.
I feel like everyone around me is going to feel like I'm being dramatic if I do that...like I'm making a big deal out of nothing...I guess I need to stop worrying about what other people think...
Either way -- people will believe whatever they'll believe. In my case, leaving was the right decision. I'm happier than I've ever been (at almost 50) and haven't for a second regretted leaving.
It's really not about staying or leaving, it's about acceptance. Awareness-->Acceptance-->Action. Leaving is an action which comes AFTER acceptance.
So, rather than agonize over whether to leave or not, work on accepting it. All of it. He is an alcoholic. No amount of lines in the sand, rules you get him to agree to, or "communicating things to him" will change it. He is who he is. Once you truly and completely accept that, and also accept that you are powerless to change him, the action to take will become clear.
L
So, rather than agonize over whether to leave or not, work on accepting it. All of it. He is an alcoholic. No amount of lines in the sand, rules you get him to agree to, or "communicating things to him" will change it. He is who he is. Once you truly and completely accept that, and also accept that you are powerless to change him, the action to take will become clear.
L
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