Good with the bad

Old 09-06-2012, 05:15 AM
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Good with the bad

Just a brief question. How do people find a place in their memories for the good stuff and the bad stuff that happens in a break up/relationship with an alcoholic? This is the hardest part for me: how do you negotiate the good with the bad? I feel like I wish I had two memory banks sometimes. Any thoughts?
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:27 AM
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This is going to sound odd, but I got a lot of help from a book called "How Can I Forgive You, and the Freedom Not To" by Janis Abrahm Springs. For me I did not have room for the good for a bit because it had finally hit me how bad it had gotten (it is amazing the depth of feeling when denial goes away).

This was a straightforward book that for me gave me a lot of permission to feel what I was feeling, and to not "beat myself up," that it did not look a certain way.

I am still not there yet, and that is okay as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the next.
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:33 AM
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Thanks for the tip on the book. Yeah, I spent so much time being in denial and then being extremely angry about how hard I fell when I realized the extent of his betrayals and now I'm at a place where good memories creep in and I don't know what to do with them. They feel like hauntings because they don't make sense in relation to the sheer awfulness of the bad stuff. It's a mental leap to reconcile both the good and the bad I guess. I will take a look at the book!
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:44 AM
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I also should say that in conjunction with the book I brought up topics like this at Al-Anon, therapy etc.

I also got a lot of relief from grief work and stages of grief. The Grief Recovery Handbook (there are often classes in the community on this) was really, really helpful too.

Time helped, and not beating myself up about the emotions did too.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:15 AM
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How I view this issue is that we are all basically selfish in life, alcoholic or not. With that comes the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes our wants coincide with another's wants, and at those times--good times happen, and pleasant memories are formed. When our wants differ from our partner's wants, conflict occurs, and this is where the bad memories form.

When we separate, we feel this loss and disconnect, and we start to experience withdrawal symptoms. Those symptoms often include remembering the best memories, and downplaying the worst memories. No doubt alcoholics do the same--when experiencing withdrawal--remember the best times drinking, and forget the worst.
There is an innate protective mechanism in our minds to not experience withdrawal, hence, loss.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:25 AM
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I don't seem to have this problem. We had some fun times, but nothing I would consider good. Every time we tried to take a trip or do something there was always issues. I'm actually having a harder time trying to remember anything good at all. I have nothing to pine over from that standpoint. He was always a pain in my ass for everything I wanted to do.
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:02 AM
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That part kind of sucks for me as well. I had lots of great times with my axbf, when he wasn't on some drinking binge he was a really great guy.

So I have been trying to be grateful for the good stuff while remembering there is a reason we are not together. Mind you, I was pretty angry and depressed for a while but I don't want to stay bitter forever.
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:26 AM
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What an interesting question...

For me, I love the good times I had with my ex. We really got along well and he was a wonderful companion when things were going smoothly between us. Those are the times I miss the most.

The bad...it reminds me of just how bad things got between us, so I can remember that there was much not addressed or completely swept under the rug in regards to having a marriage. And for me, it was too much, which is what made it "bad" in my perspective. Bad enough to outweigh the good, at least at that moment.

How to reconcile both - well - its just life. Good things have a down side to them too. I really like my job, but I have some issues with it that I know I can continue to ignore or step up and address. Same with my relationships. Nothing is perfect; we are all flawed in our own ways.

Over time, things balance out way more than they do when we are in the thick of it all. Memories fade and have less emotions tied to them. I think time is the ultimate reconciler.
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Old 09-06-2012, 10:55 AM
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Itsmylifenow..................DITTO! I was thinking just this same thing the other day. Spending labor day weekend by myself was boring! I didn't miss him, my kids just had their own things going on and I was bored. Not lonley mind you. I was trying to remember if he and I had done something fun last year. This is the memory I am left with......we had planned a fishing and camping trip not too far from home. He had gone early and set up camp and picked me up from work Friday afternoon. He had everything there. It was fun for about 30 minutes. Well, for me anyway. He brought two cases of beer and the fun ensued. Long story short.......By Sunday morning beer was gone, he ran off to get more to last til Monday night. That evening he got so plowed the cops showed up beacuse it looked like the woods were on fire. He was making a fire and was so oblivious to how big and bright it had gotten if attracted too much attention and they told us to leave. Then he spent the rest of the night drinking and complaining how the DNR sucks and he can't believe they kicked us out. Good times, NOT. I don't miss those kind of memories and unfortunetly they outweight the "fair" times consierably.
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Old 09-06-2012, 11:53 AM
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Here's what I said the last time someone asked that question:

I've tried to make it fit neatly. It doesn't. I think we want stories to be coherent and make sense and fit. My marriage doesn't. It's like a movie that doesn't know which genre it wants to be. It started as a romantic chick movie, turned into a drama, and then into a horror movie. It was all of those things. There were moments of great fun, there were moments of beauty, there were moments where I felt love, regardless of what he felt. And then there was the ugliness and terror.

It doesn't make sense. And that's OK. It can be that way.
Since then, I've learned to accept more that there were good times. I can even talk about things we used to do that were fun. Comments AXH made that were hilarious or insightful etc. I find after a couple of years that it's more difficult for other people than it is for me, to fit it all together. You chip away at the contradictions a little bit every day.
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:32 AM
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Yes, life is filled with contradictions, as we all know. But I guess when dealing with an addict, the contradictions are just very extreme: extreme good times (in my case at least) and then extreme bad times too. I told my story to my aunt and she was like "holy wow: that sounds like a horror film!" And way too much confusion in between. Maybe that is often why I am so attracted to addicts: tends to be that they are intense people and I like to feel things intensely. I feel like I've "matured" now perhaps and would prefer to have good times that are less high and bad times that are less excruciatingly low as well. Trying to grow up so that life is less of a rollercoaster!
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