NotTheMama

He's made it through another year. Eyes muddy, belly swollen, and still drinking. He's not mean or violent. He's mostly an upbeat guy all the time. He still goes to work every day. But, I see his health declining. He knows. He knows his days are numbered. He tries to hide it by riding his bicycle to "get in shape". He NEVER drinks in front of me, preferring to sit in the truck and listen to the radio while he gets plastered every night. He comes in around 8pm and takes a nap across his bed, then digs in the frig for something to eat around 11pm, then watches TV until around 1:30am, then comes to bed. Every night is the same.

Like the rest of you, it didn't start out like this! Yes, I miss the man he was 9 years ago. He was fun and playful! He worked HARD all the time! He played HARD, too! But, he never let me take myself too seriously. He became my best friend long before he was my husband. But, that man is gone, and I know that. I've mostly accepted that I have lost him to a bottle of alcohol and demons from which I can't save him. He is going to die if he does not stop drinking!

The thing that scares me is, when the time comes, that I will feel relief more than grief! And, for this I feel SO guilty! God help me, I don't want to feel this way, but I do! What do I do with the guilt? How do I let it go?

June

Shadydeal

I have felt this way very often about my XABF not the same as a husband but none the less I loved or love him. I often wished he'd die bc I didn't think I could ever stop loving him or turn my back on him! Thought it would be easier! I felt and feel guilty about feeling that way too. I know my mom has told me that there are worse things than death! I look back and lost him sometime ago....I am sorry you hurt but I understand to some degree. I feel sure being ur husband is worse.

RoseMadder

This is his choice, not yours, so you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Emotions are not right or wrong, they just are.

akalacha

What used to scare me more than the thought of him dying was the thought that he would get too sick to take care of himself, I sure didn't want to have to be his nurse!

MamaKit

NotTheMama,
The thought of him not wanting to drink in front of you and sitting alone in his truck just hit me like a punch to the gut. I can relate to that experience. It's so terribly, terribly sad and wasteful.

I've been in an anger and survival stage with my STBXAH and have not felt that sadness much of late. He would hang out in the storage part of the basement with the cat litter, cobwebs and dirty lawnmower and drink until he was blotto. Painfully sad.

The anger has been like a protective barrier, feeling sympathy or sorrow for him makes me feel vulnerable.

Our feelings are our feelings. Our actions are what counts. Your actions didn't cause this and your feelings won't change anything as far as his drinking is concerned. I'm just sorry that you have to feel this way at all.
Hugs,
MamaKit

NotTheMama

Thank you all for your support and kind words. Most days I don't get emotional over his stuff, but today was just a bad day! Tomorrow will be better!

Happier

Sorry you are having to go through all of that. Wishing you peace and a better tomorrow.

Ellvk

So sorry. I totally understand and relate.
Take care.
L.

Lulu39

Perfect description. Disgusting isn't it?

I can't bare to even look at my STBXAH's face.

Muddy eyes, ruddy skin, drooping eyelids - even in the morning, shaking hands. Torrid bowels.

What do THEY see when they look in the mirror?

Or in the toilet bowl?

NotTheMama

Lulu, OMG, YES! I cannot look at his eyes! It hurts MY eyes! I had hepatitis as a child, that I got from a foster child my family cared for. I was sick for months from that, so I know what that part feels like. But, my eyes NEVER looked as bad as this! It's NASTY!!!!

On the bright side, today is a better day! Getting lots done, and just being happy! Have a great day everyone!

BlueSkies1

Perhaps the relief you will feel will be from the end of watching the self-destruction. It is absolutely contrary to what is normal in life--the will to survive and self-protect. It is no different from watching a slow suicide. You will have seen the end of the self-destruction, with death it cannot continue.
No need for guilt. I have no doubt you will also experience true grief at the loss and waste.

CanfixONLYme

I also can relate to the thoughts of "it would be better if he just died..." and then he did.

Death brings on a whole new set of pain. Strangely, I don't feel guilty for the thoughts prior to my ah dying, but it's a very difficult adjustment to actually live in that reality. overall - I know with time, my grief will subside and I will be grateful to not have to go thru the pain of addiction for "X" more years... because it is just like watching a slow, painful suicide... Theirs AND ours.

Hugs

lillamy

Guilt means you're aware of doing something wrong.
You haven't.
I'm not saying "what you're feeling is wrong" but "the way you judge yourself is unnecessary."

You didn't cause his drinking. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
He's an adult and he is making this choice for himself.

You have every right to wish for a life free from the fallout of alcoholism. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And I know that if you could snap your fingers and have back the man you fell in love with, you would choose that over having him drink himself to death.

You don't really want him to die. You just don't know how to get out of the hell you're living in any other way. I thought the same things. I wished my AXH would hurry up and die. And I'd stand at his coffin, slim and beautiful and composed, and be the perfect widow. And nobody would ever have to know what hell either him or me had lived through.

I found another way: I left. My AXH hates my guts, but he chose to go to rehab for the first time in his almost 35-year drinking career. He chose to relapse, but he's still alive. And the kids and I are happier without his drinking as a constant in our lives.

djayr

That is so sad. Thank you for posting. I want to cry for you and him both. You know he doesn't want to be that way, the shame and loneliness. And the good intentions of "getting in shape". You see the person inside. I am so sorry. God help you both. Thoughts and prayers to you.