MadeofChoices

I am sober as of September 2, 2012. I know that sharing and venting is an important part of the recovery process, so here's my story.

I'm a native New Yorker, and as a kid was always praised for my intellect. Naturally shy and introspective, I retreated into my shell and would think for hours and hours on end. I was always creative and particularly loved to dance. However, I distinctly remember from perhaps the age of 7 being a bit shocked at the fact that people could be "happy". Started training formally in ballet at the age of 9 until an eating disorder and depression got the best of me and I became obsessed with my weight and my appearance. To think, I spent so many years more concerned with pleasing others than with taking care of my needs, but alas, that's the thing with codependents, right?

Throughout high school I was a binge eater/purger, gorging myself and then starving myself or exercising a ton to compensate. My academics never suffered, however, as I never drank or got into drugs in high school. Ended up getting into what is widely deemed to be the most stressful college in the nation and, surprise surprise, drugs and alcohol magically seemed to take my problems away.

Freshman year wasn't too bad, as I was still quite the gym rat. However, the purging became worse and I became bulimic. That summer, however, everything changed. I worked with an extremely charismatic man, who I now realize was a psychopath. He had a girlfriend, but I didn't particularly care, as I was young, naive, and had low self-esteem, so I loved the attention. Eventually he broke up with her for me, but that didn't stop him from cheating on me with woman after woman after woman. I ended up losing my virginity to this man, who would routinely embarrass me in front of others, attempt to choke me in private, frequently coerce me into having sex in public places, and derive pleasure from seeing me in pain. At one point he asked me to come over and clean his apartment for him. On Valentine's day, he brought me flowers which he explicitly stated he had gotten for free. A complete narcissist, he would force me to watch videos of him from his college days on Sunday afternoons. When I finally mustered up the courage to discuss how I felt, he very flatly remarked that he was incapable of love. As a 19 year old, I had no idea that people without a conscience could exist.

An aspiring actress at the time, I stupidly replied to a Craiglist ad earlier that year in which an "Academy Award" winning director was seeking a personal assistant. I had a bad feeling as soon as I met him, but stuck it out for about two weeks. When I noticed strange behaviors, gaps in his story, and attempts at manipulation and seduction, however, I quit. This man turned out to be Joseph Brooks, who was later convicted on multiple rape charges and ultimately killed himself.

As a result of both of these experiences, I went through a period of derealization, chronic fatigue, severe depression, and what was most likely PTSD.

My Junior Year of college I worked at a club, which allowed me to meet new people and have a bit of fun. However, I had very easy access to alcohol and began to enjoy drinking quite a bit. Drinking and smoking became far more important than my studies and I started sleeping through classes as a result of being depressed and hungover on most days. That was also the year I discovered cocaine, which magically helped lift my depression and and chronic fatigue. I began to date a guy, probably another sociopath, who encouraged me to do cocaine as a way to control my weight, which he knew I was self-conscious about, even though I looked great at the time. I got involved with a different group of friends, who were all addicts for the most part, a theme that continued through my senior year, and continued to experiment with Ecstasy and MDMA, which probably didn't help my depression.

I was painfully thin my senior year, as a result of drinking 4 or 5 days a week and using about 1 gram of coke every week. Coke was my drug of choice. It made me brilliant, beautiful, thin, and vivacious. It brought me out of my shell, it made me feel superhuman. Most importantly, perhaps, it made me feel in control. It made me feel lovable. I used it everywhere. After all, an addict has no shame. I used it before class (that is, when I went to class), after class, alone at night in my room, while browsing Facebook and listening to music, on the weekend, etc. To make my situation even better, my roommate at the time was an alcoholic and self-professed sadist who routinely said things like "You'd be gorgeous if it wasn't for your nose" directly to my face. The other close "friends" that I had at the time were all pretty much just as manipulative.

I didn't really stop my usage until, ironically, I tried psilocybin in November 2010, which completely altered my perception of life and helped me to process the deep-seated repressed anger that had driven my decision making for so long. Completing a yoga teacher training program also helped me tremendously.

For a year after that, though, I continued to hang out with most of the same friends, and while I was no longer using coke regularly, I used it on occasion, and continued to drink and smoke pot regularly, though not as recklessly as I did in college.

2012 was a turning point for me, as I became fed up with working an unpaid internship for 6 months and being treated like garbage, and finally realized that my "friends" were completely toxic and that it's not normal or healthy to be around people who routinely have outbursts of rage and subtly try to belittle you and everyone else they encounter. I could go into more detail but frankly I'm getting tired of writing, lol.

It's been lonely, but I finally realize that I can do this. I turned 24 this summer and no longer feel invincible. I am committed to living a sober lifestyle. I will attend my first NA meeting tonight.

I am no longer a victim of abuse, no longer willing to let myself be used and abused by psychopathic/sociopathic/narcissistic monsters. I will no longer sleep away precious hours of the day wishing I was someone or somewhere else. I somehow miraculously graduated from college on time, albeit with a ****** GPA, and am currently enrolled in a couple post bac classes. I took the GRE last weekend and will be applying to graduate school at the end of the year. I am in charge of my life and I am determined to make the best of it.

I am no longer as brilliant, beautiful, or witty as a once was, but I am wise.

I guess I'm on here to give and receive support and also learn how you guys have coped with sober living. How do you manage in environments where others are drinking or using, or do you avoid those entirely? How do you meet new people as a twenty-something who are also committed to sober living? How do you deal with the "Why don't you drink?" question? How do you deal with feeling that you're missing out on a lot of "fun" experiences?

I want to date again but I realize that doing that sober is kind of like relearning how to walk. What has helped you?

Thanks for listening.

candi7

Wow, I can't tell you how much I can relate to what you have wrote. Thanks for sharing! I have to personally stay away from temptation-that means people, places and things. I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous.. and I've found an amazing group of ladies-we spend time together, talk on a regular basis and help each other deal with our day to day lives. We also have a lot of fun. I have had issues with eating disorders off and on throughout my 42 years. I'm healthier that way, but have to admit I still fight that..

I've been sober for 108 days today.. I started dating someone 11 months ago.. not sure if we will make it or not at this point. In AA they say you shouldn't date until you've had 12 months sober.. my sponsor says that our "Pickers" are broken (lol- choosing the right guy)..

FredG

I'm afraid I would have to disagree with this statement. You are absolutely every bit as brilliant, beautiful and witty as you once were .... and as your wisdom increases, you'll see it too

Welcome to SR

Klia

NOT TRUE. You are most definitenly all of those things.