celticgenes

Hello, all,

I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I've been ok. Yay! I am six months plus out of my engagement to my A. He has stopped ranting at me and we are mostly NC, except for issues related to the house we (still, ugh) own.

Yesterday, I had a minor medical appt turn into a major hassle, involving a hospital visit later today. As I sat in the doctor's office, I became SO ANGRY that the man who should have been by my side was lost in addiction instead. I really just wanted him to be there with me, to drive, go food shopping, take me to the hospital, etc.

I had a bit of a pity party, but then realized that he was my X precisely because he couldn't reliably do any of those things. I kept reminding myself-you can't find bread at the hardware store, no bread at the hardware store, don't wander the tool aisles looking for bread.

So, my kids did the food shopping (thank god for my dtr's new driver's license), and a friend is driving me to and from the hospital and feeding my kids dinner. All is good. This too shall pass!

Just wanted to share, thanks for letting me.

MsPINKAcres

not only have you realized you can find bread at the hardward store - but you have figured out - YOU STILL NEED BREAD!!

and you have learned to seek another path to get the BREAD!!

finding friends & other resources to help you make your life happy, joyous and free even tho it's not exactly as you wish it would be - is living Life on Life's Terms - what a wonderful way to work your program of recovery!!

Kudos to you!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

celticgenes

Thanks, Pink! I keep joking that now I need to find the bakery! One day at a time. LOL

EnglishGarden

Oh thank God. The voice of reality is so powerful.

I'm glad you shared yours with us.

GettingBy

Hugs to you Celticgenes!!

I know exactly how you feel! I wanted my XAH (then still AH) to be by my side last year when I was going through more crap with my melanoma. I was so sad that he could give me the bread I wanted so badly... but what a relief it was to let my girlfriends help me instead!!

It might not have been the exact bread I wanted - but it sure was good anyways!!

Anon12

I am going through something similar. I am having an operation on my ankle on Monday. Will be in a cast for a month, need help getting about, having showers!

I too wish my XABF was mature enough to be there for me. He just can't be who I need and it's so sad. My mum is being a star and looking after me but I had a pity party a week or so ago, wishing at 39 I didn't still have to go home, depressed I don't have a partner to support me. Like you, I am trying to see I am lucky to have a mum who I can rely on and friends who care.

I also met someone at work today who was on crutches. I asked why (having spent some months on them his year I'm nosy and they looked like good ones!). Turns out she had a tumour on her spine that was removed but she will have to use crutches for rest of her life. How stupid/insensitive did I feel... But she was so upbeat. Made me think, my situation could be so much worse. Still hurts but I'm thankful.

Thanks for your post - you sound like you are handling it well and that gives me hope.

dandylion

OMG celticgenes, this is such a pertanent post for me, too. I know the disappointment when those who we expected would be there simply are not. It is such a bitter lesson---about not going to the hardware store.....

I have cried oceans of tears and walked in the halls of disappointment. This has not been ONLY the alcoholics in my life---some in my very own family. That one really hurts. Sometimes, I have found more generosity and compassion in relative strangers than the ones I foolishly "counted on".

I spent my young life in the deep mountains of West Virginia. Some of the values of the mountain culture are: treat your neighbor as yourself; personal generosity and sharing is just assumed. When a person was in need, people just showed up. Kind of a "He ain't Heavy; He's my Brother" kind of thing.

Meeting and dealing with others who are not of that philosophy or are just self=centered and selfish really threw me for a loop! At times I have harbored such dissappointment and bitterness.

Over my life I have had to learn how important it is to be very discerning about who I admit to my intimate circle. it is so important to surround ourselves with healthy people. How do you tell? I have learned that it is more important to watch their actions than just listen to their words. Words can be so cheap, for some. I have really sharpened my powers of observation.

I have also learned not to squander my precious resources (tangible and intangible) on those who will not respect or appreciate me. "Cast not your pearls before swine" (line from a Beattles (I think) song.

I still believe that there are beautiful and caring people everywhere. I just need to remember to stay away from those darn hardware stores!

dandylion

dandylion

I want to add another of my lessons about hardware stores.

LOWERING OF EXPECTATIONS. This has saved me a lot of anguish. Not just with the alcoholics---but with others, as well. As soon as their actions tell me what they are made of---I lower the expectations bar accordingly. For some, the bar is now resting on the ground. Sad, but necessary.

dandylion

celticgenes

Thank you all for your kind replies! I'm now sporting a quite gruesome scar across the whole right side of my face. It will heal.

I am actually at peace not having to worry that "HE" won't be there for me, or that I'm bothering "HIM" too much. What bull poop! My friends, family, neighbors and co-workers are being great. As are all of my SR friends.

We can all learn to take good care of ourselves!

Peace to all.

Cyranoak

...that when I realized I had a wife but that I was absolutely, unequivocally, alone. While she had me to lean on all the time, I could not lean on her-- even though she was "there," she wasn't there.

I kept looking to her for support, she kept failing me, I resented it, and we lived that cycle over an over again because I kept doing the same thing and expecting a different result. She could be counted on for nothing. And I mean nothing. I've never been more lonely in my life. Not before then, and not since then.

The resentment and anger grew and grew and grew in me until I finally exploded. I'll forever be thankful that, instead of hitting her which is what I wanted to do, I ripped the bedroom door off its hinges and tried to put it through the wall (plaster and lathe is tough as hell). She had never seen me be violent-- she didn't know I even had it in me-- she was terrified.

I left immediately, divorced her, and we were apart for almost two years before "reconciling." Both being in program before the reconciliation, there has been no reoccurance of that particular event, not even close, but it sure was a hell of a wake up call for both of us.

Take what you want, if anything, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

dandylion

Thanks for that story, Cryanoak. Do you think that event was actually your "bottom"?




dandylion

pixilation

I remember crying over the fact that STBX could be laying 6 inches from me, but I was still "alone" it was a hard fact to get over. I am over it now, but it took me quite awhile.

Oh, and I CAN buy bread at a hardware store here, they added a small food section awhile back. lol

dandylion

Pixilation!!!! Get out!!! Really? They have bread in your hardware store??

Please, don't let this get out!


dandylion

pixilation

ROFL, Yep, it's a chain of hardware stores in the Midwest called Menard's. Afaik, the entire chain has the section.

celticgenes

OH, GOD, please no bread in the hardware store!!! It could totally "eff" up my metaphor! ROTFL!

BTW, my face is healing ok, as per surgeon, but everyone I text the picture to freaks out. Guess I've got a conversation piece for a good long time.

SO happy not to have the A in the mix!

Peace to all

Tuffgirl

Yeah thanks Pix for ruining it!

:rotfxko

pixilation

Rofl, well i figured y'all could use the laugh.

quillan68

Metaphors aside, this thread really helped me today. I learned last week that I have a melanoma. It's not clear how serious yet, but that was the trigger for me to REALLY miss my AW, who left 4 months ago when I gave her the ultimatum that she needed to get into inpatient treatment or move out. It is heartening to read that others had the same experience and GOT THROUGH IT. And, speaking of not going to the hardware store for bread, last year I had surgery for a hernia. Not a major surgery, but still. My AW convinced the doc to keep me in the hospital so she could go on a bender. She practically ran out of the place. I called her later that night, because who can sleep in a hospital, and she was incoherent. Later still she just didn't answer - passed out, I suppose. Next day she had no recollection of the conversation. So why do I think she would provide support now? Yet, my brain keeps telling me how much I miss her.

Tuffgirl

I went to my local hardware store yesterday, and there was NO BREAD. But there was candy, gum, and beef jerky.

Titanic

There IS dough in the hardware store though. Please don't let the As know.