itsmylifenow

The pain in the pit of my stomach today is so deep I can't explain it.

I'm hitting almost 2 weeks without seeing or talking to xabf.

I've been reading the Journey from Abandonment book and it couldn't be more on target about what I'm feeling and going through right now.

I'm hurting and I need comfort. I need him to hold me. I don't know where else to get it from. This pain is too deep to just be from some lying, cheating, alcoholic.

It hurts right to my core. I don't even think he could help me right now.

I've been crying since yesterday, had to hold back with the kids home and now this morning I am just letting loose.

This is just an emotion, right? I don't have to act on it, don't have to respond to the strong need I have to call him. I just have to get through it.

What good would it do to call him anyways? He's a liar. Nothing he says can even be trusted.

He is not my answer, he is not my answer...

My insides feel as thought someone has died. I mean that's how intense and deep in my stomach this goes.

My poor kitty doesn't know what the heck all these strange noises are coming from me. I love her.

I feel like I'm going to be in this forever. That I am going to hurt like this and I'm never going to be happy. I don't want to feel sadness and pain. I want to feel joy and happiness.

And, to top it all off, I feel a sense of relief from the crying, but then realize I need someone to hold me, then the fact I don't have anyone starts me crying again.

Pain, pain, go away...

itsmylifenow

Why does he calm me? I have often been in crazy moods only to get with him and feel okay. Is this part of the rollercoaster? Because it's crazy stuff.

I just listened to his voice on a recording I have. Even though I know he lied, hearing his voice calmed me for a moment. I really need to break this habit.

While I'm sitting here thinking of his voice, I had the sudden urge to find a tape with my mom in it so I could hear her voice. I need to hear her too. She was my real source of comfort. She was my attachment. She is where I feel the loss from. Not this loser. I won't allow myself to think I could be this upset over some jerk.

I have talked with my sister numerous times about not having anywhere to go anymore. My dad sold our house when my mom died taking away the only place I ever felt comfort. Even though the house wasn't the same after my mom died anyways, I could go up to her room and lay on her bed and remember what it was like to have her there. The smell of cooking in the house. Her sitting next to me in her chair while she watched her soaps or the cooking shows. I need that right now. Need to be transported back to a time when life was simpler, everyone who meant something was still around and my mom was there.

My eyes are almost swollen shut right now. I can barely breathe I'm so stuffed up from freaking crying.

I thought I went through this pain already. Thought I'd let my mom go months ago. And, maybe I did. Maybe this is more about me and my attachment needs than letting her go.

I have to go through the pain to come out on the other side, right? This won't last forever. Just need to let it out.

akalacha

(((((itsmylifenow))))) Do you have friends who could give you some hugs? Human touch is very powerful. I've also been struggling with feelings for and about my now EX-A. Some days I'm doing great, other days not so much. I was visiting a friend recently when asked if there was anything I needed - I replied ¨I really need a hug right now¨. Which prompted hugs from the whole family-and it WAS what I needed. I instantly felt so much better. This situation you (we) are dealing with is so, so hard. But it will get better in time, I really believe that. Until then, I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs and hope that you can get some in real life too.

LifeRecovery

To paraphrase: "The only way over it is through it."

"If you are going through hell, keep on going." Winston Churchiill

I wish I could help take some of this away for you. I wish I could find the write combination of words to make it better. Unfortunately I can't, because there just is not those words.

I can share my ESH though. Two years ago (almost exactly) I was where you are today. I look at what you are experiencing (and what I did) as a cleaning of the wounds so the healing could take place.

It is just an emotion, but if you are anything like me it was the first time I had really let myself feel (so it felt even bigger than an emotion). Also it was a big loss in my life so it felt insurmountable.

I have a poem that I will send in a bit that really helped.

dollydo

You have children, hugs your kids, make them the focal point of your life. It appears, to me, that you are living a fantasy life with him in your mind. He is all consuming to you.

Perhaps this is also tied to recently losing your mother, two losses in a short period of time may have put you over the edge...so to speak. I know that when I lost my Dad 2 years ago, it took me months to get over the loss, in some ways I still am not.

Hold tight, talk to your therapist, this will pass.

dandylion

Dear itsmylifenow, I went through this same pain one time. The pain feels so all encompassing it is hard to know where it is coming from. Like you said, to the core. I cried and listened to "Purple Rain"--an album by Prince. It came in waves, like labor pains.

Slowly, the rain began to clear, and finally....finally....one day, the sun did come out again.
It will for you, too.

This is the nature of grief. It does bring up the remnants of unresolved grief and memories of past losses. W need to cry for all the loss. This is actually a stage of healing----and we must go through it, as there is no way of avoiding it. If one tries to "stuff" it, it will come out later and hurt us in some bizarre and (seemingly) inappropriate way.

I just want you to k now that I truly do know how you feel.

dandylion

itsmylifenow

Thanks for all the support. I'm okay for the moment, but find whenever I think about the hug thing that's when I lose it. I wish hugging my kids and the animals would help, but what I really need is the kind of hug from someone that you can totally release into and have them carry you for those few moments.

That was the one thing I never really got 100% from xabf. Whenever we'd go to bed he'd need me to spoon the back of him, and rub his back and comfort him. I often felt like I was his caretaker and that I didn't have anyone to take care of me. It was only when I could snuggle up against him with his arm around me that I ever felt any kind of comfort. And, honestly, it was all self comfort anyways. He provided the warm body, but I had to mentally feel the comfort.

I was having a hard time once and crying and just needed to know everything was going to be alright. He didn't seem to know what to do to make me feel better. He had no clue how to comfort me. Just holding someone and saying everything is going to be okay is sometimes the only thing you need.

I feel my resolve breaking right now. I know I can't call him. I just have to get through this feeling. He is my drug and he's bad for me and I don't need him. Amazing, my mind is quite clear on that but my body is not reacting the same way. The need for the drug is strong. My thoughts are, I need to give into it. Need to get it so I can make this go away.

This is like childbirth without drugs. Nothing to dull the pain. Just have to experience it until it's over.

itsmylifenow

Oh, and I needed to add a quote from the Abandonment book.

"The more time that passes, the longer your needs get unmet; the more your body and mind ache for all that you've lost."

That's what I feel.

Katiekate

You are in withdrawal.

It's a physical, emotional, spiritual ride, you are heading in a good direction.

It's very painful.

YOu will get to the other side.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I'm sorry for what you are feeling... it isn't easy especially in the beginning. I have done lots of journaling, and YES it did help me to focus on his negative qualities and why we could not ever be together again. Trust is a huge issue in relationships.

It's been two months for me and I am feeling a lot better than I was. I cried for weeks, got depressed, had panic attacks and went to a therapist to get some anxiety medication.

I have not heard from him, which has been helpful... but we are both on the same online dating site, which sucks. I would highly recommend no contact or you will be back to square one with getting through this. Don't call!

Anyway I just wanted you to know it sucks what you are going through but you will feel better in time. I can't say I am totally "over it" but the worst of the pain has subsided. You will get there.

((hugs))

itsmylifenow

Thought I was going to lose it and call him, then luckily my friend texted me, I got distracted and it seemed to help the moment pass.

I just watched a family video and saw my mom, my dog and some other family members who are no longer here. I miss that life. You never know what you have until it's gone. And, although I know life changes and things move on, it really was hard to watch a life that no longer exists.

But, I felt like a little kid when I saw my mom and cried for her. As much as this is gut wrenching, I know this is because I am getting to the core of myself and I will heal from here.

CentralOhioDad

I understand - as things in my life are currently spinning erratically, I think back to my younger days and long for the simple life and the times we felt protected and safe. Now, we have to do the protecting (I have a 2.5 year old) and sometimes it gets overwhelming. My Mother passed away almost 10 years ago, but I still miss her and remember those hugs she used to give.

My siblings have each gone their own separate ways, so sometimes I feel quite alone. Hang in there, you'll be okay.

LifeRecovery

By Rumi, 13th century Persian poet and theologian

This being human is a guest house,
every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for
some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame,
The malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


Also I did take a grief course called Grief Recovery (another great book), it was really helpful for me in healing from the relationship I talked about (and other grief in my life).

ZiggyB

itsmylifenow-

You will get there. It still hurts for me even after two months but in the other hand, I have three dates lined up this week and as far as I know none of these people are lying addicts so I think my life could be looking up.

After some more of the pain goes away, I think you will see things a lot more clearly and be happy he's gone. We just get so attached to people even when they're not good for us...

BlueSkies1

There was a young girl that never knew this XAB. She played hopscotch without getting hurt, swung on the monkey bars without falling, and then skinned her knees badly roller skating, which made her cry. But she got up, dusted herself off, and within the hour was racing around the block with a friend on bikes.
This girl never knew XAB. She had an identity outside of him, and so do you.

itsmylifenow

I just keep trying to remember that the emotions I feel are just that...emotions. And, I don't have to act on them. They come over me like waves and I just need to let them take over and pass through me and let them go. It's when I add thought to the feelings that I get messed up.

I know I'm waiting for contact. Whether it's from him or me. We've played this game before a million times. It's a pattern and what I've known to happen. Which is why I'm so edgy wondering when is it going to and will I be ready to ignore or walk away from him if I do see/hear from him?

Need to change my focus. I have plenty to do today and tomorrow so I need to go do things.

Deep breath. Re-focus. I chose my name for a reason. It is my life now. It's not supposed to be about him anymore. Need to make me number one in my mind. Snap out of it!!

SparkleKitty

It sounds like you have a lot to do today and tomorrow -- I hope at least one of those things is something that makes you smile, feel good about yourself, and truly forget your worries for a moment. Sending strength in your direction.

BlueSkies1

Nothing changes if nothing changes...except your self-respect may diminish even further.

Confetti

Itsmylifenow. Thank you for the post. I am in the same spot. Except I called him. I was clearing out some stuff of his from the closet and found my wedding dress. I bawled and bawled. but I'm now back on track...

I just keep putting one foot ahead of the other. I find happy music helps. And also my sister keeps reminding me to look ahead. The man I once knew and adored is dead. In his place is a shell of a man. A man that is toxic to me and our children.

Remember that you are loved. Hugs.