Where do I begin? My story about addiction...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: hillsboro, oregon
Posts: 2
Where do I begin? My story about addiction...
Here I am at 4am alone. For the first time in my 11 year addiction wishing I had someone, anyone to talk to. This is where I was led for help after realizing that I am alone and I do need help. Let me tell you all the extent of my addictionso I can begin to heal.
A little over 12 years ago my mother passed away, I was 15. After moving in with my father who was unsympathetic at best I found myself looking to escape the pain I felt. I found comfort in 750ml of vodka a day, and on occassion a few hydrocodone. A week after my 17th birthday we moved from Oregon to Colorado and since I no longer had someone of age to buy me alcohol I changed my addiction to 4 or 5 hydrocodone (stolen from my grandmother who never took them) per day along with diet pills with ephedrine during the day and 5 or 6 tylenol pm at night. Also at this point in my life I was only eating an apple a day and drinking extreme amounts of water to feel full.
Before my 18th birthday I moved back to Oregon and almost instantly began drinking daily and resumed my diet/sleeping pill regimine. I remember on a few occasions drinking until I blacked out and waking in various bushes or dumpster areas around town. I was a functioning alcoholic including driving a 35 minute drive after work beyond drunk because Ihad been drinking throughout my entire shift. I cut back on my drinking only when my older sister became ill and needed a caregiver due to multiple brain surgeries and she started giving me the extra Dillaudid she didn't take. I was mixing dillaudid with alcohol almos nightly until I chose find her a different caregiver and start over.
At 20. Years old I decided I was going to start over, live a normal life. I moved back to colorado and began college. During the sunday dinners at my parents house I would steal hydrocodone from my grandmother and near my apartment was a liquor store that did not card minors so my drinking increased heavily. After meeting a new friend at a party - started a new relationship with this man and on our first unofficial date he introduced me to crystal meth. My life spiraled out of control. I was smoking meth 6-8 times a day and managing withdrawls with alcohol and xanax or anything I could get my hands on. After 8 months of a 400 dollar a week habit I found out I was pregnant. I quit everything.
I stayed clean throughout the pregnancy and gave birth to my daughter. While in the hospital recovering a nurse was helping me to the restroom and let go dropping me onto the floor and fracturing my back in two places. While the fractures healed I was put into a pain management program to help with the back pain. This is where my opiate addiction took over my life.
The pain management doctors were so willing to almost give you whatever you wanted. I was put on 75mcg fentyl patches with percocet for break through pain. A month later it was 90mg mscontin per day. Then when I lost my ins. My medicine was replaced to 120mg of methadone perday. After 5. Months on methadone, I moved to colorado and quit cold turkey. I was clean for a month. For the past three years my life has been a mix of pills, meth, and alcohol.
My daughter and I just moved out of colorado And back to oregon to get away from a domestic violence situation. I wanted to start over without drinking or drugs. I have been here two weeks and every day has become centered around finding some way to stop feeling. I am tired and alone in this disease and want help. I want to live and not spend every minute thinking aboutthe next high. I do not know where to begin but - now I am aware I can't do it alone.
Sorry that was so lenghty. I look forward to sharing my life and learning about yours..
A little over 12 years ago my mother passed away, I was 15. After moving in with my father who was unsympathetic at best I found myself looking to escape the pain I felt. I found comfort in 750ml of vodka a day, and on occassion a few hydrocodone. A week after my 17th birthday we moved from Oregon to Colorado and since I no longer had someone of age to buy me alcohol I changed my addiction to 4 or 5 hydrocodone (stolen from my grandmother who never took them) per day along with diet pills with ephedrine during the day and 5 or 6 tylenol pm at night. Also at this point in my life I was only eating an apple a day and drinking extreme amounts of water to feel full.
Before my 18th birthday I moved back to Oregon and almost instantly began drinking daily and resumed my diet/sleeping pill regimine. I remember on a few occasions drinking until I blacked out and waking in various bushes or dumpster areas around town. I was a functioning alcoholic including driving a 35 minute drive after work beyond drunk because Ihad been drinking throughout my entire shift. I cut back on my drinking only when my older sister became ill and needed a caregiver due to multiple brain surgeries and she started giving me the extra Dillaudid she didn't take. I was mixing dillaudid with alcohol almos nightly until I chose find her a different caregiver and start over.
At 20. Years old I decided I was going to start over, live a normal life. I moved back to colorado and began college. During the sunday dinners at my parents house I would steal hydrocodone from my grandmother and near my apartment was a liquor store that did not card minors so my drinking increased heavily. After meeting a new friend at a party - started a new relationship with this man and on our first unofficial date he introduced me to crystal meth. My life spiraled out of control. I was smoking meth 6-8 times a day and managing withdrawls with alcohol and xanax or anything I could get my hands on. After 8 months of a 400 dollar a week habit I found out I was pregnant. I quit everything.
I stayed clean throughout the pregnancy and gave birth to my daughter. While in the hospital recovering a nurse was helping me to the restroom and let go dropping me onto the floor and fracturing my back in two places. While the fractures healed I was put into a pain management program to help with the back pain. This is where my opiate addiction took over my life.
The pain management doctors were so willing to almost give you whatever you wanted. I was put on 75mcg fentyl patches with percocet for break through pain. A month later it was 90mg mscontin per day. Then when I lost my ins. My medicine was replaced to 120mg of methadone perday. After 5. Months on methadone, I moved to colorado and quit cold turkey. I was clean for a month. For the past three years my life has been a mix of pills, meth, and alcohol.
My daughter and I just moved out of colorado And back to oregon to get away from a domestic violence situation. I wanted to start over without drinking or drugs. I have been here two weeks and every day has become centered around finding some way to stop feeling. I am tired and alone in this disease and want help. I want to live and not spend every minute thinking aboutthe next high. I do not know where to begin but - now I am aware I can't do it alone.
Sorry that was so lenghty. I look forward to sharing my life and learning about yours..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Most importantly, you are not alone. We do understand. This disease is relentles and that's what you're experiencing.
And, good for you for getting you and your daughter out of a domestic violence situation. That took a lot of courage and I hope that you both find peace in your lives now.
You can learn to stop fearing the emotions and learn to feel them and let them go. The bad feelings that we hide from and run from, aren't us. They are only feelings and they don't control you.
You will get lots of support here, so keep posting and reading.
And, good for you for getting you and your daughter out of a domestic violence situation. That took a lot of courage and I hope that you both find peace in your lives now.
You can learn to stop fearing the emotions and learn to feel them and let them go. The bad feelings that we hide from and run from, aren't us. They are only feelings and they don't control you.
You will get lots of support here, so keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found us - you will find much encouragement and support here. You are definitely not alone, remember that. Post here as much as you want - it really does help.
My problem lies with alcohol, but I have also had issues with drugs in the past, though somehow I managed to stop all that before I was addicted. I know how tough it is to give up ANYTHING that we use to escape reality.
Remember that you can be sober and never doubt your ability to beat your addiction. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can force you into using - you are the one in control, no matter what your addiction tries to tell you. Believe in yourself. We believe in you
Wishing you all the best x
My problem lies with alcohol, but I have also had issues with drugs in the past, though somehow I managed to stop all that before I was addicted. I know how tough it is to give up ANYTHING that we use to escape reality.
Remember that you can be sober and never doubt your ability to beat your addiction. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can force you into using - you are the one in control, no matter what your addiction tries to tell you. Believe in yourself. We believe in you
Wishing you all the best x
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