Weasel1966

When I wake sober I can feel so good some days...Like, not a care in the world and so happy.

But for those few seconds, I forgot who I was... Who I am.... And the memories and weight of being me comes back to my chest.

I was driving with a friend yesterday and I was thinking back about a time I was high on E and drunk. The things I did made me cringe and sigh out loud. I had no idea i could be heard and was asked what's wrong.

I said nothing. Nothing.

I do this a lot... Sober time affords me the opportunity to not only feel better physically but also have plenty of extra time to consider the past. Too clearly at times. It can make me very under.

There are few things I am sure of in my life.... But i am coming to understand that this is one of them...I can never move forward unless I release myself of the past.

Easier said than done. AV wants nothing more than for me to wallow in it. So I come back to him.

I learned in psych class about the stages of grief and realized trying to stay sober is kinda the same.

I've been through the denial... I am an alcoholic addict. No doubt.

I have plenty of anger to go around. Not sure that will go away.

I tried bargaining by trying to moderate. " I can handle this". Over and over.

Depression is in full swing. On meds.. It's helping but it's still there.

My perception of things, at it's very best, cannot solve this.

What I mean is that, like everyone says, you cannot think your way out of it.

I am finding, that for me, I simply have to accept it....Like I never heard that before.

Accepting the truth that I am who I am and did what I did is starting to become more healing for me than any effort I ever made to deny, manipulate, change, or bargain with the AV.

The odd part, again for me, of being sober and accepting things of the past, is I have more strength than I ever felt before.

The solution to this is the same kind of reason I used....

If I use I will make this go away.

If I don't use I will make this go away.

Saying no to AV is rewarding in and of itself.

I am not sure who ever made all the right choices. I happen to have a disproportionate number of bad ones in my life.

But I accept that fact more today and feel better more these days than ever.

I guess i am starting to accept it.

tomsteve

the steps of AA gave me freedom from my past, gave me the ability to see where i made mistakes in my past and why, and the ability to make amends for them.
today, my past can still pop up. i can look at it and say,"wow!!! i was that person at oe time!! glad that aint me now!"

i still make mistakes. after all i am human and it will happen. i am human, not super human.

Weasel1966

Tomsteve,

Not being an AAer I do understand your point. We all have to come to acceptance i suspect. Glad you got there. I am just starting to see things differently.

I used to think I knew this. But thinking it and hearing it is certainly not the same as knowing it.

And making my way with AVRT has helped me to get there.

Threshold

Thanks Weasel for writing out your thought process, I really resonate with everything you shared. Those step by step realizations and internalizing new perspectives make all the difference.

Now we see ourselves with enough perspective to "catch" ourselves and say "not anymore"

Weasel1966

Thanks threshold...t's true if we never look up we never see where we are heading.

SR has helped me so much to put things in a post that help me sort them. Then let the masses level set me if I am out of whack. Or I could ignore the masses and go along into the abyss...LOL...

Hope all is well with you. I did see your post.

Ken

Mizzuno

Hey. I was on my run this morning and a memory flooded my brain as i was putting one foot in front of the other. This memory is something i am not proud of, something that flushes my skin to red with embarrassment. There is nothing that i can do to make it so that it didnt happen. I have got to live with my mistakes. I just have to ensure that it never happens again. I deserve a hug from myself and a " It's alright , you are a good person and you have come far on this journey. I forgive you!" (me talking to myself)
Get my drift?
Im not very articulate when it comes to forum writing. (Thank the powers that be for my day job)

Weasel1966

Mizzuno.... I understand youloud and clear!

I get all kinds of these moment... From money... To what I said... To what I did... And sometimes the worse is what I didn't do.

But I know these will subside in time... Until then I am letting them wash over me and accept the fact they are in the past.

Like you said... Can't make them not have happened.

I think we are both healing and coming along nicely ... If there is such a thing!

Ken

HitRockBottom70

Ken I was glad to see your post today. I think we all are pretty darn good at beating ourselves up over our past. All we have is right now. And right now you can either beat yourself up, or as you have decided, accept yourself and move forward. Way to go buddy!

Weasel1966

Thanks rock...

I have to say my burden gets lighter when I drop off the unnecessary things along the way.

mecanix

I wonder how much in life is truely necessary ?

Bestwishes, M