becky1982

I know this is the right step. I was feeling strong all day, sad at times but strong. Now its night time and I'm freaking out, I'm alone, the kids are sleeping and AH is at the casino. He is very upset and just doesn't understand how its come to this. I'm feeling so many emotions. Any advice on how to cope is welcome. I'm standing my ground with him but inside I'm coming to pieces.

FenwayFaithful

You are so strong.

I admire you.

Truly.

You did the right thing.

I know you must feel sad and lonely but your AH can't really help you with that. He isn't capable of giving you what you need. You must know that.

You did the right thing, for yourself but for him too.

Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs.

Maybe not. His problems aren't your problems.

You did the right thing for your children as well. Maybe take them to do something fun this weekend or tomorrow after school. Get all of your minds off everything.

I am really proud of you. I don't know your story but this is a huge step in the right direction.

mstrdvr

Dig in Becky. I fear the emotional roller coaster is about to leave. No matter what the time , divorce is not as easy as it seems. My ex and I , after 15 yrs of marraige, grew apart, didnt hate each other, just grew apart. We thought we could work out the divorce our selves, not a chance. Be prepared, figure out what it is you want, what you're willing to part with and go from there. You can and will get through this in one piece. good luck

dollydo

Give it time, the feelings will resolve themselves, as, you know that you have made the right decision for you and your children.

becky1982

Thank you just what I needed to hear. It is the right thing, and I've been lonely for so long already. This is just a hard time, I know it won't last forever. I have to trust myself, my choices, my perceptions, my feelings.

It's just very painful, but he still doesn't take responsibility for his part, and therefore there is no hope that he will change.

Ann

Bad days don't last forever Becky. It's healthy to grieve, as odd as that sounds. I means you are processing the pain of lost dreams and what might have been but is not. The only way through pain is to walk through it, and that's where you are right now.

In time, there will be new beginnings and new dreams and a life filled with peace and happiness again.

It is painful to move forward, but often it is more painful to stay where we are.

You will be okay, one day soon you will smile again, I promise.

Hugs

supportforme

Becky-
Stay strong for yourself and your children. I've recently filed for divorce as well. It's not easy and the emotional pain can be overwhelming. For me, I focus on my sanity and giving my children more undivided attention. When I think of how trapped I felt for so many years. I stayed in this marriage through lies, betrayal, infidelity, etc. for the sake of the kids. In the end, I realized that by staying I endangered the welfare of me and my kids. I spent so much energy on trying to fix him and my marriage and I could of spent that energy on me or my kids. Now, all I can do is work on me and my kids. It's very hard some days when the kids just want their family back. I keep telling them that I love them, they didn't cause this and there's nothing they could have done to stop this. I recently explained to my 7 yearold how to live one day at a time He said he will try it because he has too many confusing ideas in his head. I said that's exactly why we can only handle one day at a time. I pray for you and your children. You are doing what's right for you.

FindingErica

I filed for divorce end of July, it took me 3 weeks to fill out the paperwork and turn it in. Very tough stuff! Right now we are working out an amicable divorce, we've decided the custody stuff because he doesn't want the hard part of parenting, just weekend fun stuff mostly. The kids were my sticking point, money will be his. I needed out though, the marriage had become mostly a misery prison of two people no longer in love trudging through. Then the drugs just killed off the rest of my desire to work things out, it just sucked me dry dealin with his erraticness.

Tough stuff though, I was down in an emotional hole today. Seek counseling is my advice and figure out who your support people are. The relational aspects you will really need. Be strong, you did right. At the end of the tunnel there can be peace, contentment, a new strength, and a new committments to a better you if you let it.

becky1982

I'm finding myself trying to figure out how I can take care of AH's feelings throughout this process, and then realizing that my codependency isstill raging. I can't take care of his feelings and simultaneously detach and divorce him and break his heart. Hurting him is the hardest part, because he says he'll do anything to save our marriage. However, his actions say otherwise.

He's moving out today

emptyshell

Becky I am so proud of you for taking the right step for yourself (&kids). It is always hard for us "normies" to hurt someone else even if that person has hurt us so very much. Like others have said it is ok to greive and its gonna take a lil to feel all better, but you are strong & you will pull through this. And as a child of divorce I can tell you that even though its a tough situation, your kids will be ok too. I do not remember how old you said they are, but if/when they are old enough they will see whats really what & why this happened. And no matter what they will always love you ec you are their mom. It is all going to be ok Becky, take a deep breath.

becky1982

This is the weirdest situation, I've filed for divorce and AH was sad/angry/accusing me of having an affair, he even made a vague suicide threat, all more of the same bs. Then he switched gears, wanted to listen to me for the first time in a long time, admits to lying, being critical, feeling entitled, admits to needing to be better to my older daughter (age 8). He is saying things i thought I'd never hear, saying he is going to go to aa and church, counseling, and a men's addiction group I suggested. He says he will move out and work on changing everything and he is terribly sorry and he hopes he will show me that everything will be better and that I cancel the divorce. I'm feeling all this hope and validation, but also this other feeling, disappointment? I had made new dreams, dreams of being alone, free, maybe meeting someone else? Someone I'm more compatible with. What's happening to me? What if he changes and I still don't want to be with him? I feel like a terrible person, perhaps hes right, I will never be happy and satisfied! I also keep reminding myself that these are just words! Watch actions! But seriously I've never been more confused.

SundaysChild

Doubt and uncertainty is not uncommon. Divorce is not a quick process, so you have time to change your mind (or not). Your husband may change; he may not. You may change; you may not. Some people change their minds about divorcing and cancel the process. Some people who divorce remarry.

What you had wasn't working for you, so you made a decision and took action. You don't need to second guess yourself now. Just focus on what you need - one day at a time. More will be revealed.

BarelyHere

You definitely need to only watch him for one thing & that is his Actions! I would continue on with what you are doing. Nothings changed yet. You can always change your mind, if there is something thats changed & you want that.
But isn't it exactly like an addict to keep you on that rollercoaster after you jumped off!
I think its normal to be excited about the prospects of a normal life again & then be disappointed that it may not be that easy.
Prayers going out to you!

Voyager

I support you.

jodigrind11

You have time to decide. And i think i would ask myself Do i still love this man. U will figure it out. Just believe in your self to take the right path for you. Good luck

candi7

That's interesting, I filed mine on Tuesday.. But I had been separated for 1 year and had no desire of returning-I had grieved the death of the marriage as it died years ago... So it was easy to walk away from mine.

So sorry for your pain.. it's hard when you still have feelings for someone.. best wishes sweety

Seren

You have the right to make your own decisions based on what is best for you, not on any change that MIGHT be occurring in him. Sometimes, after many years of lies, shattered promises, and fear....no change in the addict will be enough to save the relationship.

What do you really want? Have you been enjoying the thoughts of a stress and drama-free future? You have every right to pursue that, at your own pace, in your own time. You are not required to make any promise to him to 'work on things' if he pursues sobriety.

Please know that you get to be your own priority--without feeling guilty.

hello-kitty

Actions not words. Nothing you do (leaving him or staying with him) is going to cure his addiction and behavior issues. You do not have that much power.

Stay the path sweetie. Stay in the present. He has not changed. He's just talking about changing. Usually, promising to change is what ALL addicts do when their enabler threatens to walk away. Empty promises.

Or not. Maybe he's going to miraculous change and become the man he should have been all along. Still that doesn't change what he has done. His behavior has DESTROYED your trust and your marriage. You don't him anything.

Nothing says you can't go back to him a year from now after he's proven himself and reconcile.

emptyshell

Becky I think you are on the right path. As you know he will say anything so you dont divorce him, but he must show you he is serious about what he is saying. I also think its good he's gonna move out, if he works on his recovery and makes an effort to support you emotionally then you know its serious. If he isnt well atleast he's out of your house, atleast you will have a little time to yourself. Perhaps if his actions matched his words you would feel differently about him, if he does take charge of his recovery and you still dont want to be with him then thats ok too. You are not a terible person and if he is in recovery he will have the tools on his plate to deal with the divorce emotionally, if he choses not to use those tools then thats on him, that WILL NOT be your fault. He is not right about you never being able to be happy or satisfied, thats manipulation (&my AH says that crap too& it does hurt& make you feel crappy, but those words are simply not the truth). Hang in there. I wish you the best!

SSHope

I have never been in your position, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to go through it. Take care of your kids, and mostly importantly take care of yourself, your kids are going to need you.