I lost it today

Old 09-04-2012, 01:11 PM
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I lost it today

I'm not proud ... BUT at the same time it felt good.

I sent a message to my AH to see if he had signed the final divorce paper - I think secretly I was still hoping for a "miracle". Well, he wrote back that he was dropping it off today. A jolt of pain flew through me and I lost it. Not sure why, but I did.

So I sent him a message telling him:
  • I wished he would realize that our marriage had a chance if he would have sought and achieved sobriety.
  • that I loved him and was praying for him everyday that he would somehow see that alcohol was destoying him and us.
  • that I would take part of the blame for our problems early in our relationship, but I refused to take the blame (something he ALWAYS put on me) for anything that has happened recently.
  • that at least I tried to make our marriage work when the ONE thing he could have done (sobriety) was the the one thing he always had an excuse for (keep in mind, my AH admits that he's an alcoholic BUT ... AA wasn't for him, rehab was too expensive, couldn't take the time off of work, blah, blah, blah).
  • that I simply wanted a loving spouse and who I got was someone who didn't seem to care -- AT ALL.
  • if he thought I beleived him that he was being honest with his family about what REALLY happened to us, he was nuts. I know, with 100% certainty, that "I AM AN ALCOHOLIC" never has came out of his mouth (I know I shouldn't care but I do).
  • I could see him telling eveyone that we just didn't see eye-to-eye (no we didn't buster! I don't know one person that can see eye-to-eye with someone who is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, dilusional, sick, etc., etc. etc.).
  • I couldn't compete with his number one priority - ALCOHOL.
  • that he destoyed me ... my hopes and my dreams ... and that I hoped he was proud of how much he used me (in more ways than I could ever list here).
  • that our life could have been much different if he put down the effin drink, grew up, remained true to his vows, and acted like a man instead of running away ... AGAIN.

Again, I'm not proud of my childish rant ... BUT I didn't stop there (forgive me).
  • I didn't know who he was anymore (then again I'm not sure I ever knew who he was)
  • that I hoped one day he could look back and realize how much he has hurt me, his step-daughter and our marriage.
  • what a fool I was for allowing him back in my life (again) and for being intimate with him when it meant everything to me and most likely nothing to him
  • what a fool I was for believing him when he said that he loved me, always would and would never give up on me.

I concluded with the fact that I should have LISTENDED to him when he told me that he was not in a good spot and that if he had to choose between alcohol and me he would choose alcohol. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENDED, but I didn't because I loved him and wanted so desperately for our marriage to be ok.

Over the past 3+ years I have walked on egg shells. I rarely said what I wanted to say (or what needed to be said) for fear that he would walk out on me (let's be honest ... he did that quite well without me saying anything at all - numerous times). So, this just spilled out. Not very lady like, but could have been worse I suppose - At least I didn't say everything that was flowing through my brain.

I KNOW he doesn't care. I KNOW he can't care. I KNOW this is for the best. I KNOW this is best for my daughter. I KNOW my heart will one day heal. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ... but it's still so flippin sad.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without SR.
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Old 09-04-2012, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by mdh0723 View Post
I KNOW he doesn't care. I KNOW he can't care. I KNOW this is for the best. I KNOW this is best for my daughter. I KNOW my heart will one day heal. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ... but it's still so flippin sad.
It's devastating. There is no way around it.

But I think you should be proud for what you said. It is your truth, after all. And you have the right to share it, regardless of the outcome.

Prayers for better days ahead,
~T
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Old 09-04-2012, 03:17 PM
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Hang in there.

I am having a lot of those "How could you do this to me?" and "How could you be so selfish?" thoughts right now.

FWIW, I don't think they choose it. What I saw the other day convinced me that the true alcoholic is an addict and the shame and devastation my wife is feeling after taking one drink after 8 months then having to go through the shame and humiliation and guilt and seeing me furious and disappointed... once the bravado and defensiveness wore off she's really hurting. She can't explain why she did it, she said she can't answer me when she can't understand why she did it herself.

I don't excuse her, I do believe her.

I think it is good that you let it all out and by no means would I defend him but let me offer this thought.... we never know what another person is or is not thinking or feelling. You know that he kept drinking when it hurt you, you don't know that he did not love you.

People do some awful things to the people they love sometimes.

Again, that is not to defend him but to comfort you a bit. It's hard enough to know that someone you love and who loves you would risk everything for a damned drink without having to accept that they just don't care and you don't matter to them.

Hope you take this as intended. Hate the disease, hate what it does, hate the pain it caused you...just don't diminish your own self worth thinking he chose it over you. He lacked the strength to choose anything when he kept drinking, himself included.

Praying I am not right behind you on this crazy train :-)
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Old 09-04-2012, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by mdh0723 View Post
I'm not proud ... BUT at the same time it felt good.

I sent a message to my AH to see if he had signed the final divorce paper - I think secretly I was still hoping for a "miracle". Well, he wrote back that he was dropping it off today. A jolt of pain flew through me and I lost it. Not sure why, but I did.

So I sent him a message telling him:
  • I wished he would realize that our marriage had a chance if he would have sought and achieved sobriety.
  • that I loved him and was praying for him everyday that he would somehow see that alcohol was destoying him and us.
  • that I would take part of the blame for our problems early in our relationship, but I refused to take the blame (something he ALWAYS put on me) for anything that has happened recently.
  • that at least I tried to make our marriage work when the ONE thing he could have done (sobriety) was the the one thing he always had an excuse for (keep in mind, my AH admits that he's an alcoholic BUT ... AA wasn't for him, rehab was too expensive, couldn't take the time off of work, blah, blah, blah).
  • that I simply wanted a loving spouse and who I got was someone who didn't seem to care -- AT ALL.
  • if he thought I beleived him that he was being honest with his family about what REALLY happened to us, he was nuts. I know, with 100% certainty, that "I AM AN ALCOHOLIC" never has came out of his mouth (I know I shouldn't care but I do).
  • I could see him telling eveyone that we just didn't see eye-to-eye (no we didn't buster! I don't know one person that can see eye-to-eye with someone who is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, dilusional, sick, etc., etc. etc.).
  • I couldn't compete with his number one priority - ALCOHOL.
  • that he destoyed me ... my hopes and my dreams ... and that I hoped he was proud of how much he used me (in more ways than I could ever list here).
  • that our life could have been much different if he put down the effin drink, grew up, remained true to his vows, and acted like a man instead of running away ... AGAIN.

Again, I'm not proud of my childish rant ... BUT I didn't stop there (forgive me).
  • I didn't know who he was anymore (then again I'm not sure I ever knew who he was)
  • that I hoped one day he could look back and realize how much he has hurt me, his step-daughter and our marriage.
  • what a fool I was for allowing him back in my life (again) and for being intimate with him when it meant everything to me and most likely nothing to him
  • what a fool I was for believing him when he said that he loved me, always would and would never give up on me.

I concluded with the fact that I should have LISTENDED to him when he told me that he was not in a good spot and that if he had to choose between alcohol and me he would choose alcohol. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENDED, but I didn't because I loved him and wanted so desperately for our marriage to be ok.

Over the past 3+ years I have walked on egg shells. I rarely said what I wanted to say (or what needed to be said) for fear that he would walk out on me (let's be honest ... he did that quite well without me saying anything at all - numerous times). So, this just spilled out. Not very lady like, but could have been worse I suppose - At least I didn't say everything that was flowing through my brain.

I KNOW he doesn't care. I KNOW he can't care. I KNOW this is for the best. I KNOW this is best for my daughter. I KNOW my heart will one day heal. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW ... but it's still so flippin sad.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without SR.
I know how you feel...
I did write my ex an email after we broke up telling him I was worried about his drinking and this was even after we had a huge argument where he verbally abused me. Why did I do that, I have no idea. I think part of us want them to realize what a mistake they were making all along and they will somehow magically transform themselves into the people we need to be. I've done the walking on eggshells thing too, believe me. I was reading an old journal entry last night where he came to my apartment and berated me for not having the bed made.
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Old 09-04-2012, 03:19 PM
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Oh one other thing....

Disengage now that the papers are signed. Time to heal yourself and move ahead :-)
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Old 09-04-2012, 03:58 PM
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Yep, self absorbed and self centered! I do believe most A truly feel horrible for their behavior but it doesn't keep them from doing it over and over and over! When you hurt people and treat them poorly...it's going to make you feel like crap if you have any feelings at all! It's a cycle ....hurt people, embarrassed, drink more to numb the pain, start over to peat and repeat again! I saw so many tears and quilt but there is a point you have to stop. You have to look at your life! I had to bc the pain was unbearably ...love or no love! The people that loved me hurt watching me get hurt over and over! I feel for an active A bc we all fight some type of battles and but it is no excuse to accept unacceptable behavior over and over! Sorry, I certainly do not mean to come across harsh! I am still hurt and anger! I am certainly not wo flaws!
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Old 09-04-2012, 04:48 PM
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Thank you all so much ~ I am so grateful to have a place I can come to where I know, no matter what, that I'm cared for and completely understood.

PohsFriend - what you wrote WAS comforting - thank you

In the end, after I sent my rants, I did end with a message that said this:

As hurt and angry as I am right now, please know that I have always believed in you. I do NOT think who you are today is who you would be sober. Maybe I'm an idiot and you are in fact just a jerk, but my heart tells me otherwise. I pray that one day you find sobriety. Though it's easy to blame others for your drinking (you tried to blame me many, many times) no one is to blame. It's your baggage -- you packed it -- you carry it -- hopefully one day you will loosen your load and unpack your junk. This whole thing sucks, even if it is for the best.

I do wish him the best ...and yes, I will be going NC. No need to continue the insanity any longer. Endured enough of that already.

And now for something that could only be a God thing!! Last week I ordered a Philadelphia Phillies t-shirt from Old Navy (Although I don't live there now, it's where I grew up). The package arrived today and I opened it not long after my rants. The t-shirt is super cute ... and on the back (unbeknownst to me that there was even anything on the back) it said: 'GREAT CATCH'. hehe - I think so too.
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Old 09-04-2012, 05:08 PM
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In the very beginning of our separation (like the day I left) I also sent my AH a couple of emails. I was so so angry at him. I outlined how he would spiral down, maybe eventually killing someone else, how I didn't even know who he was, how absolutely sure I was he just didn't give a sh%^& about me. How he needed help and that I was leaving and he can either get himself help or I would never, ever be in his life again.

It was like yelling at a steel door, that was locked, and goes to an underground bunker. Sure, I got to say what had been building up inside me for awhile, but, I was essentially screaming into a black hole.

It's his journey I now know. I have my own journey to complete.
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