FindingErica

So I saw AH this weekend, a weekend of annoyance. I didn't realize how miserable I am in his presence, even in the midst of everything, I have been sunny and fairly upbeat, outgoing and generally becoming more content. He comes back and i am instantly grouchy and miserably, like he sucks the joy out of the room. All my good energy just sucks away and I feel like an introspective shell when he is here. He of course tried to woo me back by playing on my fears and using subtle threats **swoon**. Other than that he seems clean and back to his old arrogant inconsiderate self, which is i guess an improvement over mood swinging angry arrogant junkie man. He apologized for how he ruined the marriage and cried, I hated that, just wanted him to say nothing and go. Don't care anymore, just be clean for the kids.

He dared to lecture me because I have not attended any in person Nar Anon groups and am not actively working through the 12 steps. Which only grew my resentment. First, how dare he expect anything. I have been working overtime, moving without his help and caring for the kids as a single mom- no time for galavanting off to a bunch of meetings. And seriously, it occurred to me I wouldn't even be considering Nar Anon if he hadn't destroyed our family with his addiction. I'm not an addict, I'm not even addicted to him. Why should his junk burden my life, I'm not required to do anything, I'm not the junkie and I never asked to have any junkies in my life.

I fired my therapist today. I tried therapy last week and they set me up with the absolutely wrong kind of person. A perky, perfect looking 20 something year old who doesn't have kids and is married to a youth pastor. How adorable! Why do I always get stuck with substandard fare? Then the head therapist called and he wants me to talk to her about my concerns and what she can do better. There isn't anything, she just has to age and go through some life trials. He stated they hired her for her maturity and because she had gone through some hard things. What, she didn't make the cheer leading team in high school and the captain of the football team didn't ask her to prom- those kinds of things. Why should I explain anything. I wouldn't even be wasting needed money on therapy if my rat ******* husband hadn't thrown his family away.

I'm tired of being burdened by everyone else's garbage and having to pay for it to put myself right again. I have always done everything I was supposed to do, I don't do any substances, I take care of my kids, Ive only had sex with one person, I got good grades, I show up for time at work.

Why did he have to clean up and come back. Everyone else's junkie husbands take off and disappear into the night and mine comes back clean, apologizing with child support checks in his hand. I just never wanted to see him again. I was almost happy, I almost felt good about myself.

outtolunch

Sounds like he sucked the sun right out of you. So now you know. Is there any reason to allow him to do so, again?

Is he paying child support?

FindingErica

Yes he is paying. He is doing everything his lawyer says. He will get visitation, his DOC was K2 which doesnt show on routine drug tests and he has 5 months of clean tests due to employment interviews. If he is clean, I have no problem with him flying here once every month or two and taking the kids to do,fun things, which is the only parenting he knows how to do. I may just make myself scarce. I went along this time because I had to see how he was. He is claiming he will move back here in the spring, I'm hoping he doesn't. He wants to be friends. Ugh! I know he is trying but his core personality is such a deterrent to me, on or off drugs. He just is not a respecter of boundaries, he is inconsiderate, he instinctively manipulates and uses subtle threats, he has control issues and anger issues. I think the word people eventually use being around him is creepy (if they are women) and arrogant or rude (if they are a man). He just pulls crap on me, for instance we took my car, which is still in his name. He asked to drive at one point and I let him, then we were out and he wouldn't give me the car keys back, said that it was his car. It had my house key on it and I said so, some started taking my house key off of the key to MY car that I have been paying on for 4 months on my own. What was he going to do, keep the car? No, he was just exerting his control, using a subtle threat. I let him come into my house, the kids were begging and begging to show him their rooms, so I said he could see their rooms. Next thing I know he is standing in the middle of my room. I said get out, it's time to get out of my house. He says "this is the house where MY family lives." he was so arrogant in my house, with an air of ownership, looking around, sizing things up, asking if I wanted this or that fixed or moved. I said "NO this is where I and your kids live, but you DO not live here and you have NO right to being here except on my permission.". He does not really respect me, or my boundaries, 20 years of having him violate my emotional, personal and physical boundaries. No I was never raped, but his creep hands were always disrespectfully creeping around on me, grabbing me in inappropriate times in inappropriate places. I don't know how to have boundaries around him, he treads on everything and makes me feel small, foolish, and incompetent.

Sunshine2

Erica, I am so happy that you are moving on and finding peace without him. I have been thinking a lot today about how drained I always felt around my AS. Funny thing about being around addicts...

Hollyanne

Emmm,
I think you are in a position of power.
You don't like him, you don't need him, and you have time to work things out so he can't do a darned thing about it.
Sell the car and get a similar model in YOUR name. Lease if you have to.
Let him collect the kids at the door. Put your foot down with the kids if they start whining.
You are the boss. You don't have to tolerate this slimeball at all. You are free. You just don't see it yet.

outtolunch

Under the circumstances, why not go for court supervised visitation, paid for and arranged by him.

How he treats you is a reflection of his own character defects, with or without drugs. How you react to him suggests there is some inside work that can be done when/if you are ready to do so.

There are hundreds of thousands of therapists in the U.S. Find one that works for you.

FindingErica

I'm not going to win supervised visits, that was the point. He doesn't really need them at this point. He is fun guy dad, he can take them on a weekend and do fun fun fun. I just need to keep him away from me and out of my space. All he really wants if/when he moves back is every other weekend and maybe an activity one night a week. He is more than willing to give me physical custody, and I want that. Really as far as being able to work out an amicable divorce, I don't have many complaints, I should be grateful. He does not know how to respect me as a person or a spouse. I just hate having him still in my life because of the kids. He wants to move back here he claims and find a house in the same neighborhood. I said no you don't need a house for weekends, move to a nearby apartment complex. 8 years until the youngest is 18.

LoveMeNow

Well at least now you have no doubts. He is NOT worth feeling any guilt or second guessing your decision. So something was gained with his visit.

Also, Alanon is for you, not the addict. It's learning healthy life skills. It a way to learn your boundaries and how to enforce them. There is so much to be gained at these meetings (not for him) but you and your kids. Please try a few. He is not the only addict who had effected your life.

I really like Celebrate Recovery as well. It really deals with codependency issues. I just want to be healthy for me, be the best role model I can be for my kids, and avoid making the same mistakes I have made in the past. Until my view and thinking changes, I will continue to do the same things. Nothing changes if nothing chances.

FindingErica

I know LMN, it was just him lecturing me to do it pushed so many buttons. It's none of his business how I recover from the crap he put me through. I think that is what it is. I am going to therapy today. I am in an energy less funk for the past two days. I haven't felt like this since we moved into the new house. I was so motivated and happy. Two days with him and I feel like I have been kicked into an emotional pit.

LoveMeNow

I know Erica!! Its only a minor set back that will help you grow stronger! You deserve so much better than tictoc.

Trust in God with all your heart. <3

tjp613

Ok! Pity Party OVER. You've given that jerk enough of your energy for one day (or 3)! How about we go out for a big honkin' piece of blueberry cheesecake???

FindingErica

I went to therapy with a new therapist and I feel like I have processed the weekend and I wasn't quite the boundary-less dishrag I pictured myself to be. She showed me where I had put in place good boundaries and where I had been rational and able to work out peaceable custody solutions. She also said I am doing very well, that I am resilient and it is good that I have long term goals. So maybe I am more alright then I give myself credit for.

Ok let's go out for blueberry cheesecake and coffee!

tjp613

That's great, Erica!! How'd you like this therapist?

FindingErica

Much much better fit. I felt really comfortable and felt she was very constructive with her comments. I didn't feel the other therapist was giving me useful feedback. It was more like, that must have been hard and sounds like you have had a lot to deal with. Where the new therapist pointed out where I had good boundaries and where I needed to explore further. So I'm glad I took a chance, I wasn't going to but I was feeling so bad and down on myself.

supportforme

Erica -
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can absolutely relate to your post especially regarding "Everyone else's junkie husbands take off and disappear into the night and mine comes back clean, apologizing with child support checks in his hand". I'm glad he's in recovery but the manipulation is unbearable. The kids see daddy's back now why are you so cranky mom.... I started therapy about 4 years ago and it saved me. I'm glad you found someone better. Keep an open mind. At first, I thought the same thing about therapy- why am I here-I'm not the one that destroyed our family, I don't take drugs. I'm not the screwup. Then I realized, this is for me to keep me sane and healthy for ME. I read somewhere that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it. Don't give him the benefit of bringing you down. He doesn't deserve it. Find your strength to grow to focus on what keeps you smiling.

zoso77

When I first read this post, I felt you ramp up the anger as the post went on. You've got every reason in the world to be pissed off at him.

My advice? Don't feed that beast. See, I believe a day's going to come in the not-so-distant future where whatever he does or doesn't do won't rattle you in the slightest. So he takes a cheap shot at you regarding Nar Anon. Consider the source, then laugh it off. 'Cause you know it's BS designed to get under your skin.

I really believe the key to getting through resentment is to acknowledge it's there, and keep going forward. A residual of resentment is always going to be with you. And as long as you don't feed it, it will stay a residual.

Best,
ZoSo

FindingErica

Supportforme, I feel like a heel because I should be grateful he is clean and paying support. It is best for the kids. I have just grown so much over the past 4 months and become so much more aware of what is manipulation and abusive, that it was hard to be aroun him. He is clean and doing good internal work with all his programs but he still has a long way to go. He isn't for me anymore though that is clear.

Zoso, I know I have to move past the resentment for my sake. I woke up this morning and it all hit me, I just felt deflated. There is still so much toxicity in how we react to each other.

Ann

Growing pains come when we expand our thinking and actions into new, healthier areas. You have come so far, you are doing just fine and you will be okay, of that I am certain.

What he thinks of you and your recovery means nothing, it's what you think of yourself that counts. Don't lose sight of that, even when he runs interference by trying to criticize your choices.

And...did someone say cheesecake? Pass me a fork please.

Hugs

supportforme

Erica -
I know exactly how you feel. I truly do want him to be in recovery because that is the best for the kids, him & even me in the long run. It's not easy living through the experiences that goes with recovery. It's the gift that keeps on giving. I find my strength by believing that this too is a growth experience for me and will make me a better and stronger person. Stay strong. At least now we have the support we need and we know they are manipulating. I no longer try to rationalize his irrational behavior and try to make sense of his illogical thinking. It's a much more peaceful life for me. I still have my "relapses" but I'm still growning. Stay strong. You're worth it.

zoso77

Well, the only side of that equation you have any say over is your side. And you know this.

It's not realistic to expect anger, resentment, or negative emotions to just disappear. On the face of it, there's nothing wrong with anger, per se. Where we can get into trouble is allowing that anger to dictate what we do. There's never anything good down that road. The best thing to do is say to yourself, "yeah, I'm pissed, and this is why." And once you do that, put a cap on it so it doesn't grow any bigger than it is.

My own experience with anger, vis-a-vis my AXGF...it's always in my background noise. What she did, how she did it, is simply beyond the pale. I just don't feed it. If I did, it would make it harder for me to move forward with my life. And over time, it's gotten less, and less, and less, and less...

You're doing fine. Just keep going forward.

Best,
ZoSo