latitudes17

My question, basically, is after a 3 day drunk associated with a lot of very bad behavior, how long do I need to wait before confronting/discussing the alcoholic behavior and patterns with the individual? At this point its beed 12 hours and the blame-everyone-else routine is still going on.

My fiancé and I attended a family wedding at a B&B... he drank consistently for most of the 3 day event. Family members confronted him about his drinking, which made him belligerently drown it out with more alcohol. He left the B&B with the police and is blaming me for everything. this is a pattern, and I need to know how and when to roll it out without triggering all sorts of defenses.

WantToHeal

You have no control over his defenses, latitudes, and I suspect he'll throw them up regardless of when you raise the issue. He is the one responsible for his behavior, not you. Until he can recognize that, all attempts at rational discussion are pretty pointless.

I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.

Time to draw your line in the sand before this goes too much further. Be clear about what you will tolerate and what you will not, and then stick to your word. My wife did, and while I resented it at first, I have come to respect her all the more for it. Why? Because she obviously loves me enough to care what happens to me, and insist that I make getting better a priority.

Maybe Al-Anon is an option for you? If not, I understand there is a wonderful friends and family forum right here on this site. Whatever you decide, welcome, and I hope you decide to stick around!

mfanch

I doesn't matter how long you wait. You won't be heard.

Welcome to SR! There is also Al-Anon, so there is help out there for you.

latitudes17

Thanks for the responses. I've done a little bit of research on this... but any thing you can point me to would be great.

Are there certain methods of speaking that are more effective? I don't want to brow-beat him with what has happened this time around, or any of the others... but there is a pattern that he has to be able to see...

At this point... He's taking an earlier flight back home and I don't know what the state of the relationship is. I want him to get better... I'll work the program with him.

2granddaughters

He's a fiancé and not a husband, now's the time for you to ask yourself if you want to take this on for a lifetime.

I'm the alcoholic like your fiancé in our family and a lot of the time I can't stand myself much less the wife put up with me.

You might really consider bailing out while the gettin's good. Without a lot of work and a lot of luck it will get worse over time.

You are forewarned.

All the best.

Bob R

WantToHeal

Seems to me that if you want him to get better, you need to offer him a simple choice: get help, or get lost. Be firm. Sorry this comes off as blunt, but in my experience you're not going to make any headway with anything less, and you need to protect yourself and your own sanity. Situations such as the one you describe don't tend to go anywhere good.

But that's just my opinion. I tend to be pretty direct in what I say, and encourage others to be direct in what they say to me. A true friend or lover often times is the only one with the guts and standing to "tell it like it is". I myself am grateful that I have a few of those people in my life.

Here's the link to the friends and family forum. It is 12-step based, but I'm sure you'll receive all kinds of good advice from numerous treatment perspectives. Seriously, you should check it out. Good luck to you!

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

awuh1

The answer is not so much in the amount of time until this is addressed but in how it’s addressed. If possible I would leave the ball in his court. If he has a little time to think it over (days) and cannot take responsibility for what he has done, then he is unlikely to do so going forward (and you are in for much more of the same and quite possibly much worse). Just the perspective from this alcoholic.

Anna

Yeah, it's really up to the individual to make the decision to stop drinking or not. No amount of talking on your part will make any difference. I suggest you check out our Friends & Families Forum on this message board, and AlAnon, as well.

sugarbear1

He's got to want to stop drinking.

Focus on you and stay away from him for a while. No one deserves this abuse, even if he was "drunk at the time."

I wish you well! Try looking at the Friends and Family Forum!

MetalChick

My boyfriend talked to me about my drinking and I did listen to him. He never gave me any ultimatums or anything like that. He just continued to express that drinking was causing me a lot of unnecessary pain. There where also times he wouldn't hang out with me when I was drunk, and poured my beer out a couple of times. I didn't quit for him, but it did play a big part in my choice not to drink. I am glad my BF stuck with me. We have been together for 5 years. I think the fact that I felt he loved me no matter what really helped me and gave me the freedom to want to change.

I know everyone has a different story, this is just my experience.

Take Care