BecomingMe

Hi! It's been a long time since I posted. Fully separated from XA and made a lot of progress with myself. Little boy, now 4 1/2, is healthy and happy. For a year the XA was far away from us having moved to another province and so he had only regular phone calls with our boy. Now, however, he moved and we are all three living in the same city. EX is still actively drinking. Initially I supervised weekly visits until he showed up sober consistently enough for me to allow unsupervised visits. I reasoned that if he appeared sober then I could let the boy go with him. Truth be told, I'd rather not see him at all but I know this is about our son getting to see his dad ... Once he was clearly drunk and I cut off the visit for that day.
The problem for me is I'm getting a little lost in the murkiness of codependancy (he disgusts me so much and the resentment is building -- I guess this is still codependency since I'm bothering about his life and choices and letting it upset me?) and trying to navigate visitation schedules. And the stress of trying to determine his state of relative sobriety is wearing me out. You see, he stinks all the time, but most of the time appears like it may have been from the previous day/night rather than the day in question. Is this crazy? I mean, I am trying to figure out HOW DRUNK he is/isn't so yes I know that's crazy.

I am going to find a lawyer and ask about what to do in terms of custody. As is I have sole custody in practice but nothing is on paper. I wish I could find some way out of trying to gauge his sobriety.

And although we've been through our own hell and I have seen him do things I never would have imagined (as have we all) I feel in a way like I have taken a few steps back when I didn't have the confidence to make hard decisions. Now I am feeling like a dope telling myself that even though he stinks he seems sober enough ... (his tell is in his eyes and ability to walk steadily). Having not seen him for a year, during which time he went so low as to be living on the street in the middle of winter -- we're in Canada-- I started to wonder what had changed in his condition, that is, his ability to hide his intoxication and what kind of chronic damage the abuse has done to his system. I half wonder if he isn't going to stink like rancid beer now matter when he drank last.

So, I guess I am asking for some insight in how others deal with handing over a child for a visitation when there is no legal order in place. Am I crazy to allow unsupervised? As of yesterday, I feel like I just can't tell anymore unless he is stumbling or his eyes are blank. What about those in between times when I just can't tell for sure???? I wish I had a breathalyzer.

Thanks everyone for this place to turn to!

Tuffgirl

I have no experience in this, just my opinion, and there is no way in h*ll I'd turn over my 4 year old child to someone who is potentially intoxicated. The risks...boy howdy...too dangerous. When someone is under the influence, they are incapable of making good judgement calls. And it only takes once...

Hugs today - I can only imagine how rough this must be.

android1

I agree with Tuffgirl on this. Especially if he is driving in a car with your child. In my experience, they can be drunk a little and it is hard to tell. And if he is taking him and dropping him off later, he very well could be drinking while he has your child. And returning him drunk.

I'm sure there must be some sort of family law help for free in Canada, there is here in the USA. Look into that, also most lawyers give free consultations.

BecomingMe

No driving: he already burned that bridge (2 charges and a lost job). It's the "drunk a little and it is hard to tell" that's getting me. I'm thinking I will return to supervised access while I am looking for legal advice. Yesterday was just too blurry for my tastes and I need to remember to err on the side of caution not hopefulness.