healthymeghan

What does being co-dependent mean to you? What have you put up with due to being co-dependent?

lizatola

Oh boy, that is a tough question for me because I'm still so stuck in my codependency. You'll get lots more input after this, I'm sure.

For me, it means that I took verbal abuse and didn't stick up for myself. When the drinking started, I felt I could control it and I started looking for hidden bottles, receipts, evidence, etc. My efforts to 'control' got out of control and controlled ME, and I fight them every day.

I tried to be God and then made my alcoholic and my marriage my false idols. If you read, "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, you'll see that she makes mention of us making the alcoholic our 'tin gods' and that's pretty much what happened. I cleaned up the messed, dumped out all the half drunk cups of beer, etc instead of letting him do it. I put him to bed after he was puking in the toilet and even wiped down the bathroom.

I've put up with a lot and continue to do so. I make excuses, I 'hope' for something better in the future, and most of that is due to my extreme codependency and magical thinking. I'm sure you'll get lots more input soon!

LifeRecovery

Co-dependency to me is really about emotional dependency to me right now.

I try to "fix" and modify someone else's feelings and my own feelings are impacted by their emotions.

I might have a great day...but if a loved one is having a bad one I turn mine into bad.

I put up with not feeling the best about myself that I could feel.

ZiggyB

Staying in a relationship with someone whose behavior is not acceptable to you, but believing you can somehow "fix" them, mother them or love them into health and good behavior.

peaches08

For me it went as far as manipulating them to try to get better behavior out of them.

Anon12

I tried to fix my XABF, I absorbed his problems and his stresses so I was more stressed than him. And when his drinking got bad, I did things to try and influence his behaviour and ultimately control him, the very thing I never would have wanted to have done to a partner before. i'd ask for a lift home at the end of the night as I thought he wouldn't drink, stuff like that. Total waste of my time.

And even when we split up, I tried to tell him things, make him see my way. I wasn't codependent until I met him and it frustrated me so much that he'd say 'you just want to control me' and I was blue in the face trying to explain I didn't, I just didn't want him to drink.

Loopydays

Codependency means staying in a marriage to an A - and not knowing how sick I was!

5yearItch

I'm just learning this word "co-dependency", and its just starting to hit home how BAD it is. At this point, it means putting up with anything and everything thrown my way, not having the balls to take control of my OWN life (nevermind the AW's) and just general misery. It used to just be a miserable existence when the drunk showed up, but now its almost 24/7. If she's not drunk, I wonder when the next time will be (as I know its not far off) so that takes away a lot of the enjoyment out of life in general.

The worst part is, no matter what happens in my life/relationships, I'm afraid that the co-dependent part of my brain will always be there, further ruining the chance of actually being in a healthy relationship.

PS - Anyone up for building a flux capacitor?

MTSlideAddict

Codependency for me comes in the form of wanting to please people beyond my capacity. I do what they want with little to no regard as to what I desire or what pleases me. I take on their responsibilities in addition to my own, so they can remain worry free.

I was so wrapped up in not “rocking the boat” that I stayed in a constant state of anxiety. I was miserable when I figured out that it was becoming tougher and tougher to please my AH. I blamed the alcohol on my increasingly miserable state and I tried to control his drinking; when the drinking slowed the demands were less. The drinking didn’t stay contained for long, and the problematic behavior increased in intensity. However, I continued to give and give for years. I gave until I snapped. One day I woke up and realized that there has got to be a better way of living. With research I began to assess my situation objectively. I discovered then that I have lost myself. I discovered then why I was not happy.

Now I’m trying to discover “me” again. What are my passions? What are my likes and dislikes? Slowly I am unburying what defines ME instead of being defined by him.

NYCDoglvr

My codependency reared its ugly head about five years ago, in my 15th year of sobriety. He is a recovering alcoholic with no program while I am very active in AA. It didn't take long to discover I had chosen a dry drink who was very screwed up indeed but it didn't seem to matter. We were together three years (one, we lived together) and became partners in a business venture. You want to talk about denial? Someone sober many years getting involved in a dry drunk? The last nine months were hell: we screamed at each other constantly, living in rage, fear and denial. It turned into the worst relationship of my life. I realize codependency is addiction without the booze.

Since I have a strong foundation in AA it didn't take long to see my obsession/addiction to this person. Codependency was like alcoholism without the booze. I cut back on my own meetings, lost a great deal of self-esteem, started keeping secrets. Our business suffered greatly because of our twisted relationship.

One day I was complaining about him to my AA sponsor (also goes to Al-anon) and she said: "well, you picked him." Felt like someone punched my in the gut. But she was right, of course. I can't tolerate resentments so I turned to the steps to try to deal with the insanity that was running my life. I learned to check out my part in any situation to avoid feeling like a victim. After we parted ways I increased both Al-anon and AA meetings, kept busy and the feelings lessened in intensity over time.

I certainly won't date another recovering alcoholic and am not even dating right now. I so enjoy the lack of anger, fear and depression over a man who didn't deserve five minutes of my time. But I also know I'm capable of picking another man with big problems and will do anything to avoid having a repeat of this experience. Coming here helps a lot.

choublak

I think my parents are very codependent people. Growing up, they made most of my decisions for me which resulted in me having no judgment ability whatsoever in terms of decision making. So, a big part of codependency has been, for me, developing my own sense of judgment and ability to assess different situations in my life and make my own decisions accordingly.

healthymeghan

For me, codependency is being horrified and repulsed by someones decisions, to the point where you no longer like or respect the person, but still feeling like you desperately need them.