ultrabunny

Ive been here so many times and everytime i lose a bit more faith and self respect.

Got drunk last night and told my boss to stick her job, she is a bitch but im a single mum and cant afford to lose work. Hate working for her and wasnt helping my depression,drink thing.

This year has been the worst in terms of hitting new lows.

I have taken an antibuse tablet so im safe for a while but i just dont believe in myself anymore and think its only a matter of time...

Has anyone felt like this before but managed to get sober?

sissy07

Ultrabunny,

I would venture to say all of us have felt like this before. And a lot of us have managed to get sober too.

It is difficult. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. You have to want to be sober really, really bad. It has to be number one in your life.

I have had years of sobriety and blown it. I now have one year, after drinking for four, after being sober for nine years. It does get harder to quit each time.....until the time that you truly have had enough and will do anything.

You have got to draw the line. Make up your mind that you will not drink and mean it. Do whatever you have to do. The first year (well, actually still) I was on SR for several hours a day. I came here when I was ready to crash and burn, and would make it through another day/night, and the days and months built up.

There is nothing easy about this, but you have got to fight this battle and live in the solution. Things will only get worse if you continue to drink.

I remember the antabuse thing. It helped me a long time ago - in the beginning when impulse control was a major problem. I am surprised more newbies don't use it. Get a lot of that in your system, and you better not drink - talk about sick!

Please don't lose faith in yourself. All of us have been there. Hey, when I was really bad off I went to inpatient rehab - 25 years ago and I have not done cocaine since. Just a thought. I am rambling in a disorganized manner, so I will stop. Hang in there.

doggonecarl

I didn't have to get too terribly low to quit drinking, but I did have to recognize it could, and would, get a lot worse if I didn't stop.

But when I quit drugs it was when I was the most disgusted with myself.

I can tell you this: Despair and self-loathing breeds addiction, not recovery. Don't think hitting your bottom is the first step to recovery.

Sometimes the bottom is just that. The last step.

2granddaughters

Yes... I got so bad that I had to go to AA. (Or die, probably by my own hand)

All the best.

Bob R

Sapling

Yeah....And that's what it took me.....Getting to the point I couldn't live like that anymore.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, ultrabunny.

Yep, I know that feeling. In fact, notice a pattern in the responses above? Depression, self-loathing, disgust—that's the place where everything can change. Let's face it, nobody quits drinking because they're happy.

I am so incredibly grateful for the fact I finally felt so horrible. I realized that anything had to be better than continuing to drink. So I stepped off the elevator before it went any lower, and took the stairs back up. And you know what? Everything else—work, parenting, relationships, my hobbies and other interests—everything has gotten better. Way, way better.

It's time to step off the elevator, yeah?

ultrabunny

Thank you all for replies and i had never thought how self loathing etc keeps you in the alcohol trap, but it makes sense.

Time to stop wallowing and start fighting maybe?

One of the things that is really getting me down is that i have this huge event (i would rather not go into details) that i have started, its far more sucessful than me or anyone else thought it would be, but requires me not being a complete and utter mess (either drunk or hanging) but i seem to be trying to sabotage myself and the business that has been my dream and that ive worked so hard on.

I dont understand why i would do this.

sissy07

Ultrabunny,

I understand why you would do this, I think. At least it has been my experience that I have self-destructive tendencies. Until I could have some semblance of peace within myself I was constantly punishing myself in ways that I was not aware of at the time.Just a thought. Or another theory could be that you are just really anxious about the new opportunity and you are just using your usual mode of operation by drinking to cope with the uncomfortable feelings. If that is the case, don't. Everything is a much harder to handle/a much bigger deal when you are in active addiction. Play on a level playing field - go through it sober. You will make better decisions, I know you will.
I could be wrong in both my theories - just wanted to put it out there. Take care.

bloss

I "fought" my addiction to alcohol for years. A few months ago, I literally let alcohol win. It beat me, no more fighting trying to drink just one. There can be no just one for me. I wish you well on your journey to a safe, sober, free life.

ultrabunny

Im very very very nervous about this event, terrified of messing it up. So, yes i think it might be a coping thing. So not helping but its like, when im drunk i dont think about it.

Until i wake up at 3am in a cold sweat.

Sigh....

sissy07

Ultrabunny,

You gotta turn the corner. Do it now or do it later. I vote to do it now. No one said it is easy, but it will be the best decision you ever made. Promise. Do whatever you have to do not to drink.

Purplecatlover

It is difficult. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. You have to want to be sober really, really bad. It has to be number one in your life.

Exactly what Sissy said ^^^^^^^^

least

YES! I did. I felt like such a loser and would drink away my despair. Which of course only made it worse. I finally came to the point when I was more afraid of drinking than I was of getting sober. And as of today I have a thousand days sober... and I started with day one.

ultrabunny

Well done on your 1000 days. You are my inspiration :-)